JustALittleLost Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 This all started with a boy in my tightly-knit group of friends we call The Krew. I've known him since I was in the fifth grade, and I graduated high school last month. We've been very good friends nearly the entire time. Last year I spent most of my time in an in-patient program for an eating disorder, or holed up in my room, since shortly after I left the program my dad committed suicide (this is already sounding drama filled). Around November I dragged myself out of the house for coffee, only to discover that this boy was working in the Starbucks I went to. I stayed until he got off work, we talked for a couple of hours... and I didn't see him again until the very beginning of February (I had been kicked out of my house and was living at a friend's house very far away). All through February it began to occur to me that he liked me. He would always be sure to sit next to me, and he would do little things like bring an extra hoodie with him to our friend's house because he knew that it's always cold there, or else bring home food from work (he's a chef at a high-end resort) just because he knew that I liked it. There were several times when we were alone that I just wanted to yell 'COME ON, ask me out already!', but I was patient, and in the beginning of March he asked me out. Our first date was to Disney World. He admitted that he had actually been crushing on me for at least two years, and when I walked into the coffee shop he was working at he had to keep himself from hopping over the counter to get to me. At first, it was extremely weird. He was my long time friend, and two inches shorter than me. A complete metalhead and a bit of an butthead sometimes... But after being with him nearly every night while hanging out with friends (and more time alone), I began to fall in love. A month in and I would start to get ancy when I didn't get to see him. I found myself doing random things to make him happy to, line hand-cleaning a pair of Vans he had lent me and buying him Monsters for after work. I even began dressing in black and silver, since they're his favorite colors. Two months in and I knew that I loved him, and he told me that he loved me, and it was the first time that he had ever told a girl that before. Four weeks later, he started getting distant and quiet; he said that there was something going on with his family that he couldn't tell me about, but not to worry because he wasn't leaving me any time soon. My best friend decided to call him and bitch him out for ignoring me, though, and he ended up breaking up with me through her. The next day, feeling completely crappy but being forced out of the house by The Krew, I got to see him (they did offer to make him stay home and just take me out, but I love torturing myself I guess). I was falling apart. I had to stay in a completely different room from everyone else so that they wouldn't see me cry (it was also Father's Day, so I felt even worse because I don't have a dad to spoil anymore). He ended up coming out to check on me, and I did manage to suck it up and stop crying while he was there. By the end of our conversation (I did not beg), he pulled me up close to him and said "Who am I kidding? You're mine. You'll always be mine. I could never leave you." And it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. The next day, he never changed any of his online statuses back to in a relationship, and he wouldn't reply to my texts (I sent two). Eventually, he did, and around one in the morning he called me and said that he had changed his mind and wanted to work through the problems with his family right now, get his life in order, etc... So he broke up with me again. All of our friends were calling him a jerk (amongst some more colorful names), and no one would hang out with him for a week. The thing is, he's not a bad guy. In fact, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had, breakup aside. It's been so bad that I can't even look at him without my eyes tearing up, though, and I haven't cried over anything apart from my dad's death in the past year. His eyes just seem like neverending pools of brown that I just get lost in. A week after he broke up with me I was taking him home from our friends house, after our hug goodbye (the only one I could stand, since I could get in my car and cry immediately afterwards), he ended up kissing me. The next day it was as if nothing had happened. The second week after he broke up with me I got drunk, as well as one of the Krew members, and all I could do was talk about the boy. I was talking one moment, and the next this other friend was kissing me, and someone took a picture and sent it to my now ex. He... got crazy angry, said that we were backstabbers, and probabaly would have killed the guy who had kissed me if he had been allowed to. I asked him if it was because it was our friend and one of his exes, or because it was his friend and me, and he said that it was because it was me. This had been smoothed over and explained, but I'm keeping this in here to give a perspective of how he reacts about me. On the Fourth of July I had a very large party, including the Krew, as well as the group of friends my female best friend (that broke us up, basically) belongs to -- they don't mesh well, and I knew it, but everyone had promised to behave. Sadly, my best friend and the boy got into a stupid name-calling match (that the girl started) that ended up with the girl going inside and telling her boyfriend a lot of things that my guy had NOT said. He went out to talk to my ex, but it just turned into another verbal argument; my ex turned to walk away, thinking it'd be for the best, and my friend's boyfriend slugged him in the side of the face mid-turn. I told my friend and her boyfriend to leave as my ex got in truck, blood pouring down his chin, and tried to leave. He was rattled and went the wrong way down my dead-end street, so when he revved to leave, I ran in front of the truck (stupidest thing I've done in a while, I'd say). He stopped, and it was very soon apparent that he had a concussion (he was asking the same set of questions over and over again every few minutes). Five and a half hours of sitting in ER with him later, he had told me that he loved me about 15 times, tried to kiss me a few times (bad idea with a busted lip anyway), asked me out on three occasions, and damn near attacked some kid who asked me out while in front of him. The next day, and now, he doesn't remember any of it. He doesn't remember my party, me driving him to the hospital, being there, or even leaving. There's still a little more to this! On Monday night we all got together to hang out again, and I ended up having a seizure. When I woke up, my ex was the one restraining me. He held my hand while I gathered myself. He put my lip ring back in (it had fallen out) for me, and he wiped vomit from my face and hair with a washcloth, and kept telling me I was being stupid every time I whined about smelling like vomit. He held me in his arms and never complained once. He wouldn't even let anyone else near me, just how I had taken over the situation when he had received his concussion. The past few weeks have been incredibly painful. Every night I cry myself to sleep, and I've had dreams about him every night as well. I can't go without seeing him for more than two days before I get panicky, though I've been good about not compulisively texting or calling him. I've felt everything from angry to suicidal to catatonic. I didn't eat for an entire week after he dumped me, and I haven't been doing too well after that either -- I've lost fifteen pounds, which is quite a lot when you're 5'7" and were only 130 to begin with. Nothing tastes like food anymore, and I don't get thirsty either -- which is probably the reason for my seizure. The worse part is, when I returned all of the things he had ever given me (apart from a necklace that I never take off -- he's noticed), I included a love letter (my first) that I had intended to give him the day before he broke up with me for the first time. He told me that if he had received that letter on time he probably never would have dumped me. He's also said that he hasn't lost interest in me, but he can't forsee the future and doesn't want to string me along. The point of all this is to ask... Does it sound like he will actually end up asking me out again, like he did while concussed? I feel kind of stupid because everything I see points to yes, but I want some other people's perspectives.
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 JustALittle, My sympathies on the loss of your dad. At the risk of sounding a little too much like an "old folk" (which I am ), I'm more concerned for your physical health, given your history of suffering from an eating disorder; and for your mental health, given your suicidal thoughts. It is clear that you are strong, courageous and a survivor. But you do not have to work through all of this by yourself. If you're no longer working with a therapist, I strongly encourage you to visit your family doctor. Until your appointment, perhaps you can consider nutritional drinks and supplements along with whatever food you can manage? Based on how your ex took care of you on Monday night, it would seem that you still are very important to him. If I had to put money on it, I'd bet that he has intentions of asking you out again but, like he says, he's not sure if he'll be able to manifest those intentions. In any case, you will need to be fit and healthy to go on a date with him, yes? So you can be working that angle in the meantime. Please do get the proper medical and mental health care that you need and deserve. Big hugs, and best wishes.
Author JustALittleLost Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 JustALittle, My sympathies on the loss of your dad. At the risk of sounding a little too much like an "old folk" (which I am ), I'm more concerned for your physical health, given your history of suffering from an eating disorder; and for your mental health, given your suicidal thoughts. It is clear that you are strong, courageous and a survivor. But you do not have to work through all of this by yourself. If you're no longer working with a therapist, I strongly encourage you to visit your family doctor. Until your appointment, perhaps you can consider nutritional drinks and supplements along with whatever food you can manage? Based on how your ex took care of you on Monday night, it would seem that you still are very important to him. If I had to put money on it, I'd bet that he has intentions of asking you out again but, like he says, he's not sure if he'll be able to manifest those intentions. In any case, you will need to be fit and healthy to go on a date with him, yes? So you can be working that angle in the meantime. Please do get the proper medical and mental health care that you need and deserve. Big hugs, and best wishes. It's nice hearing from more experienced people, really. I realize that I'm young and naive in this. =\ At this point, I don't struggle with my eating disorder too much, I'm just absolutely never hungry. I've gotten to the point where I won't deprive myself to look a certain way, and, while I still have the thoughts, they don't rule my everyday life. I was actually talking about this with a friend not too long ago, about how this time last year I would have been ecstatic that I've lost so much weight, when now all I can do is complain that I have to put a belt on. It's gotten to where my friends have definitely noticed and have been forcing me to eat with them, the boy I'm talking about being the ringleader in the 'feed Kat' (my name) game. (He's also the most successful at it, I might add.) I do pray that we're both right and he asks again. Just an hour ago I've learned that he plans on moving over a hundred miles away in December (though I'm praying even harder that that one falls through). Thank you for your support. <3
nastyapple Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 *hug*. I have struggled with EDNOS off and on for the past 2 years so my heart goes out to you. You sound like you've had it rough, but you're certainly strong! I think if your ex is having family problems, you need to give him the space to deal with this in whatever way he needs. Maybe he just needs some time on his own to reflect or deal with this in his own way, which is why he's pushing you away when you try to get close/help. He obviously still has feelings for you, but he sounds confused as to what he wants. Maybe you should just let him know you are there as a friend first and foremost, give it all some space and time to cool down... There certainly has been a lot of drama! Hopefully he'll get himself together and you two will be an item again.
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