broken_promises Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Despite realizing that the relationship with my ex-b/f wasn't working and despite my initiating the breakup and despite knowing that I completely lost who I was in the relationship, I am now in a place of feeling powerless. It is because he moved on so quickly and completely changed his entire life within a matter of weeks. For the entire 3-1/2 years we were together, he was essentially a reclusive workaholic who never made plans for us to do things together. He always lamented about being trapped in a house he wanted to sell that was isolated and not having friends (he literally only had one friend nearby to do things with like hiking) and complained that he felt like he couldn't set up his drumset (because the dog has anxiety about noise.) We never went on day trips, let alone actual vacations or weekend getaways. It was just work (and, for me, school) and dinner and tv and sleep. Let me preface by saying that prior to getting into this relationship: a) I was a very active person - trail running, traveling, hiking, excitement, friends, modern dance. b) he just moved from relationship to relationship with the same sedentary pattern above. So, now that I have to dig myself out of the sedentary life that he sort of dragged me into with him in isolation so far away and despite my feeling so excited to be closer to friends and feeling a sense of liberation of being away from that life and some of his frustrating ways, I found out (guilty of one transgression of snooping) that he is suddenly doing all sorts of things with friends - and the crush from high school, too. (He had joined Facebook a couple months prior to our breakup so he met back up with high school people, started drumming, etc.) They are planning hikes and day trips and adventure type stuff (kayaking, rock climbing) and he has a "profound sense of freedom" now. ARGGGHHH. We have been broken up for two weeks and have had no phone contact and only a brief email exchange that he initiated and I only replied once to. I guess the problem I am having is I feel like I am suddenly stripped of all of the power I want to have in this breakup. Yes, there is the part of me that wants to know he is pining away but that is unrealistic. And there is the part of me that is SO bitter/angry that he never had any motivation to do any of that stuff when we were together and now he feels "freedom" when all I ever did was encourage him to do those things (drumming, contact/make friends) while we were together. I regret finding all of this out, but more importantly, I want to know WHY it is affecting me so much when I wanted this breakup and didn't even miss him at first. How do I focus on my life and getting back to being active and seeking my own adventures again when I can't seem to let go of my jealousy/anger/disappointment at knowing he suddenly has this instant new life without me???
wow123 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 So you want him to sit around thinking about you hurting rather than enjoying his life? You sound like you're not happier without him than when you were with him. Did you talk to him about how you wanted to do all of those things and it bothered you that he didn't want to do anything?
Author broken_promises Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Yes, we talked (and fought) about not doing things a few times over the past year or so. We did make a last ditch effort (he finally admitted that not doing stuff together was a big downfall for our relationship) at the end to try and go for hikes and stuff, but it was already over by that point. I tried to help him get back into drumming, going to the gym, connecting with friends throughout our relationship but nothing ever came of it. So, that feels like a slap in the face that he can do those things now without me. And am I the only person here that does fantasize about their ex pining away over them and not enjoying their life without me? I really hope not!
Thomas X Forever Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You're definitely not alone in fantasizing that your ex is missing you. If anyone here says they wish their ex's the best, period, then they're liars. They are saying that to either try to convince themselves or others that they're good people. It's a sham. We all wish we could be back with our ex, if they left us. There are very few exceptions, but 90% of people, after a recent break up, fantasize about their ex wanting them back.
Exit Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Sounds similar to my situation, my ex and I fell into a habit of always staying home and watching TV. I gave up working out and eating healthy, she gave up going to the movies and socializing all the time. Now that she's gone, I'm back to eating healthy, working out, going out with friends, I've gone to the movies, buncha stuff. And she probably wonders why I didn't do these things with her. I don't know. We just got stuck in a rut. I've tried to convince her that the breakup opened my eyes and if we gave it another chance I'd be more than willing to start going out more often, and we should motivate each other to stay in shape instead of going for fast food every day. Maybe this is the same thing that happened to him? Maybe it's not that he was unwilling to do these things for you, but simply that now that you're gone, he has to fill his life somehow. Frankly I was satisfied just to sit around and have fun with my GF. Now that she's gone, I'm responsible for my own happiness, so I've been getting back in shape, making friends, etc. I sense he may have been stuck in a similar mental state as I was. At least you TOLD him what was making you unhappy. My ex failed to tell me that she was longing to go out more and do other things until it was too late. Your breakup shouldn't be about feeling like you have power. The choice you made should stand alone, regardless of how he is choosing to recover. Maybe you did it for the wrong reasons if you are getting offended by these details. Frankly I'm not too big on the "NC" thing as long as communication is tasteful and useful. If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to ask him why he is finally willing to do these things, and why it seemed he never wanted to while he was with you.
shunter Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I will decipher this behavior for you. This individual likes to be at home and liked his lifestyle with you. My guess is the excuses he came up with were excuses so he could continue to act that way. Let's face it, if he had the financial means and wherewithal to go on a vacation, why didnt he? because he didnt want to. So now, he has lost that comfort that you gave him and is forced to stay occupied doing these things. It is kind of like the female that breaks up and suddenly gets off the couch and exercises twice a day. She needs to look good and stay busy to find the next man. So bottom line: he is NOT as happy as you think he is. He is trying to move on and so should you.
norajane Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I will decipher this behavior for you. This individual likes to be at home and liked his lifestyle with you. My guess is the excuses he came up with were excuses so he could continue to act that way. Let's face it, if he had the financial means and wherewithal to go on a vacation, why didnt he? because he didnt want to. So now, he has lost that comfort that you gave him and is forced to stay occupied doing these things. It is kind of like the female that breaks up and suddenly gets off the couch and exercises twice a day. She needs to look good and stay busy to find the next man. So bottom line: he is NOT as happy as you think he is. He is trying to move on and so should you. I agree with this, and will add: couples don't always bring out the best in each other. In fact, they often bring out the worst, because you get so comfortable with each other that you just stop trying or caring to try to be a well-rounded and interesting person (which is the opposite of what you do when you're dating). There are couples who do bring out the best in each other, however. You like yourself more when you're around them, and vice versa, because they bring out aspects of your personality that you like about yourself. When you find a guy who brings out the best in you, and you in him, that's the keeper.
Exit Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yeah, comfort is a double-edged sword. It's great when you get to the point that you don't have to watch every single thing you do around your significant other, but when you get comfortable enough to stay in your PJs all day and rot together, it's not good. Shunter is right. It doesn't mean he's happier without you. He has no choice but to do these things now that you're gone. If there was ever a chance at reconciling, you could point out that he had to leave the house and get a life once you were gone, and you would appreciate if he would realize that he needs to make some of the same effort when you are with him.
dxb Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 In fact, they often bring out the worst, because you get so comfortable with each other that you just stop trying or caring to try to be a well-rounded and interesting person (which is the opposite of what you do when you're dating). This is EXACTLY why my most recent relationship failed. Of course he's doing loads of stuff though - it helps blot out the pain of rejection. Trust me, the worst thing you can do in any sort of break-up is sit at home pining. The best thing you can do is just get out there, talk to your friends and do stuff.
SBG04 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Could he be regretting how he spent his time with you and now trying not to make the same mistake again? Also, might he be latching on to the things which you enjoyed? Things which he associates with you? I know since my break up I am listening to her CD's when I didn't really use to, except when she was around, find myself choosing pork when going out to dinner (as much as I love Pork, it was her favourite, whereas I prefer steak). Little things like that which are bring a happy familiarity to them. Also, don't forget you are seeing the active part of his life. He is not going to promote the dull moments of his life. Us guy's don't like to show emotions and when we are weak. I put on a happy facade and almost everyone (apart from one or two friends i have opened up to) thinks I'm doing really well, but I'm breaking on the inside, missing her like hell, going to bed at 8pm some nights because I just don't want to be . I force myself to get out and do sociable things because I know I have to. I try and fill this massive hole which has been made in my life with other and new people, even if they are not the person you really want to be with. I'm guessing that's what your ex is going through. I can almost guarantee he is missing you more than you are missing him. Finally, I want nothing more than for my ex to be happy.... unless it's with someone else. You are not alone in wanting their ex to miserable!
dxb Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I force myself to get out and do sociable things because I know I have to. I try and fill this massive hole which has been made in my life with other and new people, even if they are not the person you really want to be with. Right with you on this one. I spend half my time talking to people I couldn't give a **** about (I was not a very chatty person at all previously) because I find that least their voices drown out the thoughts spinning around in my brain. It's like turning up some music you can just about stand in order to drown out the music you really can't listen to.
Author broken_promises Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I agree with this, and will add: couples don't always bring out the best in each other. In fact, they often bring out the worst, because you get so comfortable with each other that you just stop trying or caring to try to be a well-rounded and interesting person (which is the opposite of what you do when you're dating). There are couples who do bring out the best in each other, however. You like yourself more when you're around them, and vice versa, because they bring out aspects of your personality that you like about yourself. When you find a guy who brings out the best in you, and you in him, that's the keeper. Wow... this is definitely something I need to remember. And something I have been trying to face/console myself with since the breakup. If he is doing things that we could have done (and I wanted to do together) and I feel like I lost myself and need to get my old self/interests back, it has become obvious that we just couldn't inspire/motivate each other to do these things together or to be our best selves. Thanks for this... it helps put things in perspective for me. The more I can remember that we just weren't right for each other, didn't bring out the best in each other, and got stuck in a rut that he was unwilling to change while I was with him, the less (hopefully) I will fixate on comparing his life to mine.
Beeotch Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I can imagine how that would make you feel and the questions you would have...but of course you know that either you will never get answers to these questions or if you do, you may not necessarily like them. One thing to note is that: both people in a broken relationship may still have unresolved feelings or issues and care about the other person. It is very possible that he thought you were moving on and didn't miss him so he decided to just go out and do all these adventurous things to take his mind off you and perhaps to make you realize that he didn't need you....not saying that this is definitely the case...but it is possible. If you look at in this way, you can have peace of mind in thinking that he is doing the best he can to cope and now he is FORCED to be active to forget you and get over this breakup and not that ohh he is free of you now and disliked you why you guys didn't have fun. When you think of it like that you can think: good for him. And in the same way he is being active in order to move on...you can say "You know what...I will do it too". It might seem silly to think, well if he is going out hiking I am going to go too...but in reality overtime once you start getting out there and doing things you will stop doing it to get over him and it will be for you...and you will meet new people and then won't even be worried about what he is doing. Also..stop snooping lol I think you fgured it out yourself though. I make sure to AVOID my exes Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Messenger...ANYTHING that will inform me about his life as I do not want to know...it is too much anxiety. Esp since online exes are usually not going to show that they are depressed or even upset but will often try to put pictures, status messages etc showing how happy they are (even if it is a lie)....so it is best not to be suckered in. Even me...I am trying my best to move forward and be happy but I am not 100% over my ex, I still think of him daily....but if he were to check my social sites he would have no idea that I still think of him and miss him as I have new pics of me on the town happy, happy quotes and I seem totally care free. So keep that in mind as well.
Author broken_promises Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Thanks a lot, Beeotch... that does help a lot. I have actually been doing the planning to do things that he is doing too... I feel childish about it, but you are right... at first, it might be as a direct response to what he is doing but eventually it will be because I loved doing those things before I met him and am coming back to them again for myself. As for doing things with people that he never did with me, my only issue is that he never had these people when we were together... they are all people from high school that he reconnected with on Facebook just before we broke up. So, while I am going out with all the same friends I've had for our entire relationship, he suddenly has this brand new social life that he NEVER had when we were together. So, it's not like he is hanging out with the two or three friends that I knew him to have in the relationship and going hiking with them. He is going out and doing these things (and many new things he would never have done when we were together) with all these new people... so it is threatening/upsetting on a double level. But yes, I know that we are both not going to be broadcasting how much pain we are in on Facebook, etc. which helps. I think it is just when I start comparing how my life is to his, or how our life was together to what he is doing now, that I start to freakout and just get so thrown for a loop. Thanks again though! These replies really help!
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