TheIrishKid Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Hello. I found this website by accident and read a few threads and it got me thinking about my own relationship, and I need some advice. I was a late bloomer. I had a tiny crush on a girl here or there but never felt “wowed” by anyone until I was 19 years old. I had always been shy but with the girl who eventually “wowed” me, even though I was nervous, I just had to talk to her. My first kiss was at 19 and I was a virgin until 20. I dated her for two years and she dumped me when I was 21. Even though the relationship was very unhealthy – something I learned as I got older and more mature – I was so devastated by the relationship that it took me several years to get over her. I’d go on a date here or there but nothing really ever clicked. I met my current girlfriend while 25 years old. I oddly enough met her on a blogging website, though internet dating was awkward and a bit weird to me. We get along better than I could ever have imagined. I knew what I was looking for in a person and she’s met every criteria, including an odd physical bonus I’ve always been a sucker for (blue eyes, brown hair). We dated online for 10 months even though she lived in the South and I lived in the Midwest (distance of 10 hours). It’s easily the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, though this is only the second one. She graduated from college in May of this year and was able to get a job in my hometown. While the goal was for her to move here, the job she got was truly top-notch. Everything has just fit perfectly and has fallen into place. We’ve currently been dating in the same town for two months, making it almost an entire year since we’ve been together (10 months online with 5 personal meetings, and 2 months in the same town). The problem is this: I love my girlfriend dearly but it’s starting to come to my attention that I’ve only been in two relationships. Again, I’ve always been a late bloomer, and there’s a part of me that wishes I had been a bit wilder and with more girls when I was younger. I’m not nearly as shy as I was with girls before and I can’t help but feel I missed out a bit. I should state that I haven’t cheated on my girlfriend, nor would I ever. I’m far too loyal. This relationship is pretty serious and I could easily see it turning into marriage down the road. I’m just concerned about my lack of a past haunting me in the future. I would never cheat on her, and I love her desperately, but there’s a worry on my part my feelings could eventually turn into resentment toward her. I mean, she moved here and doesn’t really know anybody. What kind of a bastard would I be? I love her and she’s what I’ve been looking for in a person, yet this other stuff is nagging at me. I’m just confused and would appreciate the advice of people with more experience than myself. I want to do what's right for the both of us - I truly love her.
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 It seems to me that you need to appreciate what you have, rather than spending too much time wondering about what you could theoretically have. A good relationship is valuable, man. Treat it accordingly.
AlektraClementine Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 This smells bad. If you are thinking thoughts like this, and you don't address them, you will later. I guess I fail to see how you could love her completely yet still desire and lament women you never had. My suggestion is that you address this immediately. With your girlfriend. She may help you through it. She may reveal that she has similar feelings. Or she may decide that she doesn't want to risk it with you. Either way, this is really scary territory. For her. She should have a say in it.
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 GorillaTheater: That's very good advice. Thank you. AlektraClementine: I'm an honest guy and would never do anything to hurt her. I hope I didn't give the impression I've been looking around or anything like that, because I haven't. Maybe it's just jitters because I can see this going really, really far. We are extremely open and honest with one another. I haven't mentioned this to her because I feel like I have to sort my own head out first, and posting here has helped a lot. Sometimes just writing what you're thinking out makes a big difference. I do love her completely, though I can understand why you would think I don't. I was so shy and awkward when I was younger, and I'm not that way at all now. So getting interest from girls (nothing major - just having them flirt. I'm not a flirt, though I like to joke around) is extremely new to me. It just got me thinking about how much I may have missed during my college years (I'm in grad school currently). I'm just going to keep reading people's comments on here, sort out how I feel, and go from there. If this is still lingering or something doesn't feel right, I will definitely tell her.
Thaddeus Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Irish, what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, natural and to be expected. The sense I get is that while you're completely devoted to your lady, you're wondering how much you've missed out on. I get that, I've been there too. I'm going to offer you just one little bit of advice. Take it or leave it as you see fit. Do not tell her this. Say nothing. Keep your mouth shut. Nothing good can come of sharing this with her. No matter how gently you approach this, how careful you are of your words, no matter how many "I love you's" you may tell her, once you let the cat out of this bag she will never, ever forget it. That doesn't mean that she'll hold it over you for the rest of your days together, but it will taint everything. There are times to talk things out and there are times to zip it. This is the latter. Trust me on this.
Author TheIrishKid Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thaddeus: Thank you for the advice. Actually, that's why I decided to post my thoughts here. I love her a lot - she's perfect for me. And I'm well aware that once the trust barrier is dented, it can't be undone. To counter that I wanted to clear my head here and get as much advice as possible from people. I'm not hiding anything from her - I'm trying to figure out what it is I'm thinking. The best feature of our relationship is honesty, and that's why I'm taking this so seriously. Your comment made me feel a lot better. So I'm not the only guy who's had these thoughts even though he loves the girl he's with and realizes she's great for him? It's just...I was so bad with girls and now that I can communicate well with them, I'm hitting myself upside the head and wondering where that was years ago. I just don't want to go through life regretting I didn't have my fair share of reasonable relationships.
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Irish, what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, natural and to be expected. The sense I get is that while you're completely devoted to your lady, you're wondering how much you've missed out on. I get that, I've been there too. I'm going to offer you just one little bit of advice. Take it or leave it as you see fit. Do not tell her this. Say nothing. Keep your mouth shut. Nothing good can come of sharing this with her. No matter how gently you approach this, how careful you are of your words, no matter how many "I love you's" you may tell her, once you let the cat out of this bag she will never, ever forget it. That doesn't mean that she'll hold it over you for the rest of your days together, but it will taint everything. There are times to talk things out and there are times to zip it. This is the latter. Trust me on this. Seconded, good advice.
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 So I'm not the only guy who's had these thoughts even though he loves the girl he's with and realizes she's great for him? It's just...I was so bad with girls and now that I can communicate well with them, I'm hitting myself upside the head and wondering where that was years ago. I just don't want to go through life regretting I didn't have my fair share of reasonable relationships. No, like Thad said it's probably pretty common. I was married at 21, and had those thoughts myself. But I understood that what I had, even though it was rough at times, was ultimately too valuable to screw with. And yeah, if I shared those thoughts with my wife at the time I had them, I would have probably broken her heart.
thegoodlife Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 From the sounds of it you have a great girl, solid relationship, and everything going for the two of you. You're not missing out on anything. These thoughts are definitely normal. I think it happens a lot with people around our age who are getting to that stage in their life and relationships where they can start to see themselves settle down and grow up. And it can be scary as hell to some people. I've had a few relationships end because my SO's were having the exact same feelings you have. I've seen many of my friends end good, happy relationships also because of this nagging feeling (we're all early to mid-twenties.) While ending it may be the right choice for some people, and staying together is right for others, I have to say in the above ended relationships all of them regretted it. It just wasn't worth it. So whichever you choose, make sure it's worth its cost to you.
D-Lish Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm going to offer you just one little bit of advice. Take it or leave it as you see fit. Do not tell her this. Say nothing. Keep your mouth shut. Nothing good can come of sharing this with her. No matter how gently you approach this, how careful you are of your words, no matter how many "I love you's" you may tell her, once you let the cat out of this bag she will never, ever forget it. That doesn't mean that she'll hold it over you for the rest of your days together, but it will taint everything. Trust me on this. Couldn't agree more! It would taint everything. Those are the kind of words that resinate with a person. No matter what, it will translate to "you aren't good enough". I think to have doubts at any age is normal... I also know more than my fair share of male friends that still lament the one that got away.
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