Kaizen Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 She is living in my city just until mid-August after which she is going back to med-school. It's about a 5h flight away. We met about a month or two ago. She is really nice and very smart and I am definitely attracted to her. We clicked right away. We hang out and stay together until early in the morning and definitely enjoy each other's company. She makes me lunch for work the next day whenever I visit her (or at least she has so far, she keeps saying she will not again). I take her out to really nice places in my city, we go for walks, eat out, have fun, etc. We have only hugged (hello and goodbye) and chatted for hours lying on her bed. Yesterday night I had to hold back heavily when she unbuttoned my shirt to look at my necklace. Realistically, I would have made a stronger move by now. I am not shy about it or anything BUT here is the catch: my friend told me she has a boyfriend back home. The only time she mentioned a bf to me was at the beginning of yesterday night about how "my boyfriend gave me this for Christmas" in passing. The "ex-" part was missing. Then we were basically together until 2 or 3 in the morning. Where do I go from here? I like her and am going to see her again soon. From chatting I realize we are both relatively mature about this and I am sure she is into me as well. Question is what is happening with the guy... P.S. I am making her lunch too since I feel a bit in debt and I don't want to take advantage of her good nature.
analyzetheworld Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 It seems pretty clear to me that she likes you. A lot of times, women will mention they have a boyfriend in passing, so as not to be dishonest with you, but at the same time, show interest in you. This really is now in your court. You have to decide if you're the kind of man who would make a move on a girl who likes him, but has a boyfriend already, or if you're not. My viewpoint is that if the girl doesn't have a ring on her finger yet, then she's not really taken. Lots of girls get together with this guy or that just so they are not lonely - she obviously either likes you more than him, or she will just cheat no matter what. If you like her, and you're willing to deal with either of those possibilities, I'd say go for it. If not, then steer clear before you allow yourself to get more involved. Good luck.
Author Kaizen Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 So we hung out for an entire night. Towards midnight at her house I told her I enjoy spending time together a lot and I liked her as more than just a friend. And I asked her if she has a boyfriend. She said yes. A guy of three years. Let's call him Jimbob. Jimbob knows about me and that I take her places and doesn't seem to care... Probably doesn't know we sleep in the same bed, albeit not doing anything. Very strange. She says she is sorry she sent mixed msgs and that we have known each other for too short of a time to tell whether she likes me. I tell her it's very difficult for me to have a friend that I am also interested in. She says it's up to me. She doesn't want to lose what we have. One thing leads to another and we end up chatting, telling stories and talking about what we are going to do from now on since now she knows how I feel. We chat till 6 in the morning when she fell asleep and I stealthily leave after I cover her. When I get home I send her a nice email saying that we are going to take it as "whatever will be will be". I have never done this before: chatted with a girl I liked being 20cm from her face for 5 hours. I told her that if we hung out again it would be hard for me not to make a move on her. At one point she changed into her sleeping clothes and asked me to cover my eyes and I actually did... As if we are in kindergarten. Then, when she lay next to me she said "no funny stuff". Let's just say I was HUNGRY but I held it back. What is the situation here? What do I do from now on? Keep at it? I feel that if I had kissed her she would not have held back... On the other hand, given all the messages she sent, I might be wrong. P.S. I am prolly seeing her again Monday late at night... P.P.S. I have known her for less than a month. We actually laughed about this together.
WTRanger Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Ah, the stand-in boyfriend. Pays all of the taxes, get's none of the benefits. You are a temporary boyfriend. You give her all of the attention she needs from a guy, yet you get nothing in return. One she gets back home, thanks to your efforts, she's going to saddle up her real boyfriend and ride him until the cows come home.
Author Kaizen Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 So I thought about what you said WTRanger but really I don't pay anything for her. We simply are together and we have a great time. She made me lunch twice last week and I was greatly impressed. If anything, so far, she does stuff for me. In regards to your riding point, however, I am pretty sure that is what shall happen because there is a month left. And I am away for a quarter of it. Question is: what do I do? Forget about her? If we hang out I will probably kiss her despite everything. Either result from that will be bad: A) She accepts - we kiss, etc. VERY hard to trust her when she goes back. B) She does not and everything becomes awkward and we lose whatever we have now.
AlektraClementine Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 This girl is bad news. She tells you she's not sure if she likes you because of the short amount of time you've known each other. But she's totally baiting you and teasing you for her own fulfillment. Put yourself in JimBob's shoes. He doesn't care yet because he doesn't know that his girlfriend is being tacky and unbuttoning other guys' shirts. Come. On. Don't fall for this. Imagine your girlfriend in another city sleeping in the same bed with another guy and then you tell me what's right.
redant Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I think you are falling too fast. She has nothing to lose maybe that's why she is so attractive. I doubt her emotions and feelings are the same as yours. She doesn't deserve you. She has a boyfriend and wants you for? Attention? If you are ok with this fine. If you want a real mature relationship I think your in for trouble. I don't know how old you two are and if you are ok with her having you on the side. If you want a real relationship you might want to keep meeting new people.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I take her out to really nice places in my city... ...but really I don't pay anything for her. Which is it? Why are you wasting your time with this woman? What she is doing with you is very inappropriate, perhaps even an emotional affair. Sleeping with another guy in his bed while she is in a relationship??? She's nothing but trouble -- very, very selfish. P.S. I am making her lunch too since I feel a bit in debt and I don't want to take advantage of her good nature. WHAT? If anyone is taking advantage of anyone here, it's her taking advantage of you, dude. Move on.
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 JTRanger put it very well. You're the temp BF. She is lonely and she misses her BF. She gets you to fill those things she misses, the talking, the intimate feeling, the heaviness of another body in the bed, someont to do little things for, the companionship, the sexual tension. If I were you, I'd limit your interactions. You aren't going to get anything but hurt from this.
LDR Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I agree with the previous posters. . . she may like you, but she wont leave her bf for you. She is using you for the attention since her bf is not there. When she goes back to him, she will forget about you. There are better girls, this one doesnt sound as awesome as you say
WTRanger Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I never meant to imply that you physically fork over money. By pay all of the taxes I meant, you are her emotional sponge right now. You probably have similar qualities to her real boyfriend, so you are the prefect stand-in for him. By get none of the benefits, I mean sex. Let's face it, it's for sure something you are interested in with this girl. You are essentially her Ken doll. Meaning that you have all of the qualities of a man, except that you don't have a penis. In her mind you are prefect. And her boyfriend is benefiting from this too. He doesn't have to hear about her bad days, or the mean girls at work/school. That's your job now buddy! Any guy who has had a girlfriend who has been friends with a gay-buddy knows what I'm talking about. The gay-buddy is the outlet for her emotions and when she's all better, the boyfriend is the outlet for insanely passionate sex. You do all the dirty work to get her ready for non-stop sex with someone else. If anything, you are making her love her boyfriend even more. Face it, she's been with him for 3 years. She won't leave him and if she does, she'll be so hung up on him it won't be worth dating her for 100 years. This girl is smart too. She knows exactly what to say and what to do to make you think she's interested in more than friends. She gives clues all the time in her words and actions. You are being used, and you are letting it happen. You are not the victim as you are willingly letting this happen. I'm sure you want to hear the response that she loves you and she'll leave him for you, but this is the real world on LS. You are going to end up broken over this girl, it's already started to happen. So get out of this now and you'll have only a little pain to deal with.
WTRanger Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Let me add to my post. This isn't something that this girl is doing intentionally or with evil implications. I don't think most girls or guys do this to be evil. They just miss what they have in their SO and seek out someone close to them. Now, if she has him paying for rent, bills, etc, then that's super evil. She just needs companionship. Be aware that if you blow up at her, this will hurt her too. I'm sure she has something invested in you, but not on the save level as you do her. She has been up front with you, so it's up to you to decide to keep being the stand-in or bow out.
Thaddeus Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Kaizen, it's perfectly simple my friend. You are being used. She gets all of the social, emotional and financial benefits of having you as a stand-in boyfriend and you get... nada. This chick is bad, bad news. Sure, she comes across as all sweetness and light, but she's taking and taking and taking and you're getting squat in return. How long will you put up being used like this? That's the only question you really need to answer to yourself.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Let me add to my post. This isn't something that this girl is doing intentionally or with evil implications. I don't think most girls or guys do this to be evil. They just miss what they have in their SO and seek out someone close to them. Yeah, I hear you, but she is sleeping in another man's bed with him while she's in a relationship. Sex or no, that is completely inappropriate. OP, how would you feel if your girlfriend of 3 years was sleeping with another man and spending time with him like that? What kind of person does that? This girl is a user, and she obviously doesn't care that much about her boyfriend or you.
BeautifulMan Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 If she's going back home make a move on her, don't let her treat you like a sponge and continue to confuse you. Every woman wants an excuse to do something naughty, maybe have drinks with her at home and play your game at least you'll find out how she truly feels.
Author Kaizen Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Hello all, Reading your replies makes things a lot more clear in my head and I thank you. What I will probably do is this: 1. Realize that there is no future with this girl. 2. Make a move on her sometime soon and see how she reacts. If NO then I will say the truth that it would be too hard to stay friends with this interest there on my side. If YES then there are a few options but one must refer back to 1. 3. Take it easy. I have an active interest in 2 other girls that have an interest in me so if this one doesn't work out that is fine. Thank you kindly again and I will reply to this thread with updates.
analyzetheworld Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I agree with the previous posters and say that she is definitely using you for emotional connection. Knowing this, I cannot understand how you would want to even consider a relationship with this girl. Usually, when someone falls too hard and too fast for any one girl, he is not dating enough. My advice is cut ties with this girl and go find a hobby that fulfills you as a person. Clear your head, and get some frustrations out (go play some sports with some buddies or something). After you've cleared your head, you will hopefully see that this girl is bad news, and there are plenty of women out there who will not play these kind of games with you. You, as a man, have just as much right to decide who you will or will not date/hang out with as women have. In this case, I think it is prudent to exercise that right, and tell her that you won't put up with her games anymore. If you make a move, you just are eating into her hand....if you man up and tell her straight that you don't appreciate being manipulated, you keep your dignity and tell her what you will and won't put up with. Good luck.
WTRanger Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You need option 4: Drop off the face of the planet with this girl. Just cut her off cold turkey. No explanation, no nothing. Just run the hell away. Because all of your options are still leaving you options with this girl, and there is NO option other than you being used. If she asks why then tell her that you realize that epiphany isn't just something black people name their children. (To quote Stan Smith from American Dad) If you make a move and seriously piss her off, you are looking at potentially getting into an even worse situation. One where cops and judges are involved. She told you, "No funny stuff." which is woman-speak means that she isn't even considering any sort of sexual, physical or any type of contact in between those two with you. So take her words, and no funny stuff.
sugarmomma Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Ah, the stand-in boyfriend. Pays all of the taxes, get's none of the benefits. You are a temporary boyfriend. You give her all of the attention she needs from a guy, yet you get nothing in return. One she gets back home, thanks to your efforts, she's going to saddle up her real boyfriend and ride him until the cows come home. This is the GOSPEL Truth!!! I Love Your avatar. So funny!
sugarmomma Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 If she asks why then tell her that you realize that epiphany isn't just something black people name their children. (To quote Stan Smith from American Dad) . That's an ignorant/steretypical/offensive statement to quote. Not sure where you live but I know plenty of black people and not one child named epiphany.
kizik Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I know plenty of black people and not one child named epiphany. Sense of humor much? :laugh:
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 BIG RED FLAG!! My guess is that if the OP makes a physical move on her, she won't turn him away. The reason I say this is because she's already allowed him waayyy too close into her personal space. As for leaving the b/f, good luck. I think she'll juggle the two of you. I could easily be wrong about this but that's my read on the OP.
Author Kaizen Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Yesterday she sent me a message re how she is soaked dancing in the rain @ a concert wearing a white dress. I guess she knows how to make me picture things and get me excited. I sent her a message back a few hours after since I was going on a date with one of the other girls. No contact today till late. I will pass by her house tonight since we had settled on this a few days ago. I am kind of curious to see how she is going to act towards me. I guess if she is colder than before it'll show me she is actually trying to be just friends. If not, well, then it'll get a bit more interesting. I will keep all your words in mind. On another note, you guys are awesome for taking the time to reply. I will continue this thread until a conclusion is reached. P.S. I believe you guys are right that she is seeking an emotional connection. But as WTRanger said himself, she is not doing so maliciously.
WTRanger Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 You have to remember that she's not this squeaky clean princess who is innocently and unknowingly leading you on. She knows exactly what she is doing. The malicious line comes from if she was getting you to pay for things, such as her rent or her monthly bills. She's not, but that doesn't make her the 2nd coming of Mother Theresa either. She's still bad for you. If you want to make a move, go for it. But this is common sense, if she says back off, then back off. Don't be all aggressive thinking 55 no's equals 1 yes. But keep this in mind for the future. If this girl is willing to do this to her current boyfriend with you, and the two of you somehow end up together. What's to prevent her from doing exactly the same thing to you with another guy? If and more likely, when, she does that to you. You certainly cannot be mad at her, because that's how the two of you got together. You knew she had it in her. It's okay for her to cheat on someone you don't know, but she can't cheat on you? That's called hypocrisy. You certainly can't think that once she's with you she'll be Miss One-Man Only do you?? Sugarmomma, it was a joke. I love the show American Dad for that very reason as they are not afraid to be funny and not be so afraid to offend people. Besides, that quote was about as racist or sterotypical as any KFC or McDonald's commercial. End of non-thread discussion.
Recommended Posts