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Posted

I've only been on this board for a couple of days but since I'm now riding the semi-retirement bus I've had plenty of time to read and respond to a number of different threads.

 

For some reason, perusing some of the threads have been reminding me of my first wife. Not because she was a difficult, sexless shrew - far from it - but just chatting about relationships in general have given me a greater sense of what I lost when she died.

 

And I miss her terribly.

 

She's been gone for over a decade, and I'm still occasionally brought to tears about it.

 

I'd like to share just a bit of background as to what happened after she died. Sorry if it's long... feel free to skip to the end or just close the browser window.

 

For about the first year I was in a pretty major depression, which was not surprising. But after the first year, I felt a sense of liberation. I never really got to "sow my wild oats" when I was younger because I was too busy being Mr Responsible, but I made up for it with a vengeance. I had lots of money and (I know I'm going to ruffle feathers here, but it's simply a factual truth) women tend to be attracted to money, so I had lots of, uh, "experiences."

 

Then I started to settle down a bit and began another search for "the one" but it proved to be fruitless. Gold-diggers were my main problem. "So, how much do you make anyway?" was the most blatant of the lines that I heard but even those who were more subtle made their intentions clear pretty much from the get-go.

 

There were a couple of women that really sparked my interest, but wary of being hurt I tended to withdraw after a short time. They took this as rejection (not surprising) and I missed out on a lot of good possibilities.

 

Then I met wife #2. At first, things were great but I overlooked some very serious personality issues because I was almost desperate to be married again. Alas, those personality issues grew so powerful and all-consuming that living with her became impossible. Eventually I discovered that she was having an online affair with another man and she left.

 

Good farking riddance.

 

That was about 5 years ago and while I've done some dating since I haven't been really ready to commit. Fear of loss, I suppose.

 

And yet every day - and I do mean every single day - I remember my first wife with feelings of love and loss.

 

Anyway, there's no moral here or any plea for help or advice, I just needed to get this out of my head and onto (virtual) paper.

Posted

I'm sorry, Thad. I hurt for you, reading that. (((HUG)))

 

How did your wife pass?

Posted

All of this explains a little bit your wonderful and insightful take on things. I have come to really believe that without experiencing crisis, we dont learn.

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Posted
I'm sorry, Thad. I hurt for you, reading that. (((HUG)))

 

How did your wife pass?

Brain anyeurism (sp?) while she was taking a shower. She was gone before she hit the floor. No warning, no hint of anything just one minute she's there, the next she's gone.

Posted
Brain anyeurism (sp?) while she was taking a shower. She was gone before she hit the floor. No warning, no hint of anything just one minute she's there, the next she's gone.

 

:eek:OMG, Thad... that's horrible!

 

I would imagine after losing her, particularly in a manner so sudden, would open you up to feelings of potential loss/abandonment with other women you may come to care about.

Posted

I'm so sorry, T. :( My BF lost his brother that way. It was very sudden and shocking. No chance for goodbyes.

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Posted
:eek:OMG, Thad... that's horrible!
Yes, it was. I do not have the words to express the horror and unimaginable grief of finding her.

I would imagine after losing her, particularly in a manner so sudden, would open you up to feelings of potential loss/abandonment with other women you may come to care about.
I had a counsellor for a while immediately after she died, and the counsellor warned me of exactly this.

 

Turns out she (the counsellor) was right. But at the time I wasn't ready to listen at the time, I was too wrapped up in grief.

Posted

Same thing with my brother-in-law. It made me realize how precious the chance to say good-bye must be.

Posted

Sorry to hear that man. These depressing LS posts tend to fire bad emotional anchors and we often experience same states as in the past when we read this. It's best to avoid any depressing boards and just read stuff that won't mess with your mood.

 

How many years has it been?

Posted
How many years has it been?

 

Over 10. It was in the opening post.

Posted

:(

 

This is very, very sad. Loss, especially sudden loss like you describe, can profoundly shake and change our worldview.

 

It's wonderful that you had such a great, loving relationship that you still value and miss it. What a very special thing to share with another person.

 

Would you like to tell us some of the things you love(d) about her that were unique to your relationship, that you haven't yet found with anyone else? A particular way of being with her, or a way she "got" you, that you especially miss?

 

No worries if that's too personal to write here, but I think collectively we're up for acknowledging and celebrating good things.

Posted

Hell, I've been thinking about this today. When someone dumps you or you dump someone, you just move on and go screw other people.

 

But this kind of loss is something completely different...

 

We live fairly short lives in comparison with the age of cosmos, and we're just temporarily borrowing this stellar matter and energy we're made up of. It's best to accept death as a transformation back into starstuff that we evolved from. A completely natural and necessary occurrence in universe, a part of infinite cycles. Even stars die... in 5 billion years, our Sun will start shutting down. Nothing is forever.

 

I rarely feel anything for people who invite drama into their life with breakups, no contacts, cheating and divorces and what not, but this... I really feel for you.

Posted

Thad,

Thanks for sharing. My sympathies on your loss.

Your post reminded of that song, "I Believe" by Diamond Rio.

Sending hugs and Comfort.

Posted

By the way, I really suggest you take a look at this movie:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_fountain

 

It's about a guy whose wife is dying from cancer etc. It's pretty much about the cycle of life and death in the cosmos. It's a very profound movie that requires tons of contemplation, but it might give you some perspective.

 

Take care bro.

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Posted

Thanks, everyone, for your words of encouragement.

 

Like I said, it's been well over a decade since I found her twisted up in the shower (I will never, ever get that image out of my head) and the shock of it is long since gone, but the sense of loss - though tempered somewhat by time - remains.

 

But let me tell you a little about her.

 

She was one of those people who overcame tremendous obstacles. She grew up with an abusive father (but a gentle and loving mother) and had every opportunity to be angry and bitter, but she worked through all that and emerged as a butterfly from a cocoon. Lively, cheerful, always full of life and a smile, she truly brought light to every situation she was involved in.

 

And she was wicked hot, too.

 

She was very lean, but not skinny. Slight build. She was once described as "wiry," being as she didn't have much fat on her bones at all but what was there was very nicely toned.

 

And she absolutely loved sex. Sure, when we were married we had our ebbs and flows like all couples, and there was one point where we went without intimate contact for over a month (she got pneumonia).

 

But those times were pretty rare. She was of the same opinion as me about sex: That it's the fundamental foundation between a couple. When the sex goes away, everything else begins to fall apart. But when the sex is frequent and vigorous, the relationship is strong.

 

We had these little cues that we'd use between us when we were at, say, a party or a pub, little cues that meant, "Let's get outta here and screw each other silly."

 

One time - this might give you an indication of how she was sexually - we were in a shopping mall and she was looking for shoes. I hate shopping. I waited on one of those benches in the mall and was clearly getting impatient.

 

When she finally emerged from the shoe store, boxes in hand, she sat down beside me. "What's wrong?" she asked.

 

"I've been waiting for you to decide upon shoes for almost two hours, and I'm done. Just done. I just want to get outtahere."

 

She leaned over to me and whispered, "I haven't got any panties on."

 

Needless to say, the drive home was a bit faster than usual. And once we got home, we spent the rest of the day in each other's arms.

 

Now, I don't want to give the impression that she was perfect. Far from it (like all of us). She was chronically late and took forever to do her hair & makeup and all the rest. Me, I'm the opposite of that, I'm always early or, at the very least, right on time. So that caused tension between us occasionally.

 

I am weeping as I type this. I miss her so much. I gotta stop.

Posted

I don't really know what to say, Thad. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had a real scare with the love of my love recently. He had a heart attack. It really made me think on so many levels. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. He's everything to me.

 

When I expressed my fear of losing him and how I'm not sure I'd be able to go on, he told me he expected nothing less of me but to go on and find love again. He said it pains him to think that if anything happened to him that I'd be all alone forever.

 

I'm sure your lovely wife would want you to be happy again wouldn't she?

 

I know you'll always miss her though. My heart goes out to you.

Posted

You had me weeping reading that and I haven't done that in some time now. Thanks so much for sharing this part of your life with the rest of us. It should really help alot of people trying to get over someone who left them, out of their own "wanting to". Here, in your case, neither one of you were givin the choice to be apart or so much as say goodbye. Really puts things in perspective. My heart truly goes out to you. I can't imagine having to indure what you have in the past and future. My thoughts are with you and your lovely wife. Take care.

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Posted

OK, I'm somewhat composed now.

 

(Have you ever blown your nose so much you think BRAINS are coming out? Gawd... ewww... gross...)

 

I think about her every day, but it's been so very, very long that I shed tears so forcefully. It all came back, hit me like a 2x4 in the solar plexus.

 

Yes, I know she would want me to be happy, and I get the occasional stab of guilt given my "sowing wild oats" phase that took place about a year or so after she was gone.

 

And no, I never really got a chance to say goodbye. Even the funeral was a small affair, close family members and friends only. But that was hardly "closure." It was just a event, with me walking around in a fogged daze, unable to concentrate, unable to integrate, completely unable to relate to what was happening around me.

 

Do me a favor, everyone who reads this and has a partner. Turn off the damn computer, look them in the eye, tell them you love them and make love to them like it's your last time.

 

Because, gawd forbid, it just might be.

 

Go do it. Now.

Posted

Thad, I am so sorry for your loss.

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Posted

Thanks again, everyone, for your kind words and giving me the room to vent a little bit. I feel better today.

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