paddington bear Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Ok, so I posted a few times on an earlier thread here, someone who's girlfriend was losing her temper every month, and me and other posters saw some red flags that might indicate an abusive relationship. Anyway, someone posted a link to a codependency test, saying that the OP obviously had some things to work through himself if he was staying in a relationship like that. So, I clicked on the link, did the test and got a bit of a shock, like 9 out of 10 You Are Codependent. Hmmmm....that came as a bit of a surprise to be honest, but actually a lot of things clicked into place, one of many being why I seem to end up always with emotionally unavailable men who don't want me back. Talked about this with my therapist and she smiled broadly and nodded in a 'you've finally realised exactly what your problem is' kind of way...thus putting the nail into the coffin of me thinking I was all perfect and normal Thing is, I don't want to continue on this way any more, being overly concerned with putting others first, feeling like someone has to need me in order to feel valued, feeling guilty if I say no, feeling guilty if what I want to do is contrary to what someone else wants to do, and of course, somehow unconsciously picking men to love who will never love me back. So, help me please. Anyone out there dealt with this and has any techniques or stories of how to change values that have been instilled in you for years and years? I mean it's not like it's a total major problem and I'm falling apart, I've just realised that I'm never going to have any kind of healthy relationship with anyone until I change my own behaviour. And I so want a loving relationship with someone nice who cares about me and I really don't think I'm going to get it, if I keep doing the same stupid thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
mammax3 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 paddington, I didn't see the link, but i've been wondering about this. Would you please link it for me? Thanks. Mx3
Author paddington bear Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 yeah I don't see it either...must have clicked through other links to get to it. And I can't find the original link either...ok, I've had a google and I think this might be the one I looked at: http://www.journeyofrecovery.org/st-codependence.htm may I just point out now, that I would never trust some internet test to give myself a psychological diagnosis...I suggested it to my therapist, and she agreed, only then did I think 'ok, I have to do something about this'. I think self-diagnosis using what could be unreliable sources can be misleading sometimes.
mammax3 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 thanks for the warning. I was wondering about this trait in myself. I'm working through a lot right now in myself and I wonder if this link will help. I'll post my results Cheers
Author paddington bear Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Do...I think I answered every bloody one with a yes, all bar one question, which was kind of scary!
Kamille Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Strange... I always thought I had co-dependent tendencies, yet according to the test I'm right on the cusp of having clear and healthy boundaries. But I guess this might be part of my own personal growth. As I've said elsewhere, I grew up with a severely depressed parents, and this has caused me to often feel responsible for the well-being of others. My counsellor immediately honed-in on that relationship. Putting it in perspective helped me understand a lot of things about myself. The one thing that might sound like a paradox but that's been the most helpful? Giving myself the right to not have clear boundaries... I'll try to explain. While some people know what their boundaries are and assert them spontaneously, I'm not that forthcoming. I need time to reflect on why something bothers me and on what I want to do about it. I now grant myself the time to do that. Other things that have helped: I'm in a field (academia), that forces you to express contrary opinions, to speak in public and to leave yourself open to public criticism. My job has brought me a long way in realizing it isn't important for everyone to like me. Also, I've stopped assuming I knew what others were thinking better then they did themselves and started letting them take responsibility for themselves. Amazing how much relationships improve when you do that. And I remember having a moment of enlightment, a couple of years ago, after I invited a friend to a terrible movie. As I apologized after the movie she asked me: "why are you apologizing? You didn't make that movie". I stopped taking responsibility for things that were outside of my control. that involves other people's bad moods. And, in relationships, I am getting better at recognizing my own boundaries, and better at asserting them. I found that granting myself and asking for time to reflect has been very helpful. It stops me from over-reacting and thinking everything in terms of good/bad all or nothing, and helps me approach issues in a healthier more balanced manor. That's something I didn't do with my alcoolic ex, but to be honest, he didn't respect my need for reflection-time: at least I learned that one important piece of myself I need to assert. It's already paid off in my friendships and work relationships. So hopefully, one day, it will pay off in a relationship.
Author paddington bear Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks Kamille, that was insightful...particularly about boundaries. I do get those icky feelings that something is 'wrong' particularly regarding relationships, but always think I've to say yes or no to someone immediately, and always end up saying yes, when I should have said no and then get myself embroiled in ridiculously complicated relationship situations.
mammax3 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Thanks Kamille for posting that. You mention your personal growth. Was that a focused effort with the intention of learning about yourself in a specific area, or are you referring to a generalized 'growing up' sort of growth? The reason I ask is I thought I was further along in my general growing up since the end of my marriage and being a mum. It's due to the man I was seeing that I've realized I need a more concentrated attempt at learning what it means to be *me* rather than mirroring back what I think others want me to be. I need to be authentic to myself yet maintain some boundaries (somehow! Big task!). Your comment about needing everyone to like you hit home with me. It's nearly to the point where I say two contradicting things to two different people according to what I think they want to hear. Ugh. I know. So unhealthy. I didn't fully realize I did that until just this week. So that test, paddington, indicates I am codependant. Where I'm not is that I have no addicted person in my life. i have nearly all the other points checked off due to my feelings of responsibilities and control. Now that I'm a mum I hate to blame anything on my childhood and upbringing but no one gets to adulthood normal and ready - so I think much of my scripts were written when I was a child and I'm seeking others to play out the roles with me. My 'guy' wouldn't play, and that's why we're not together. I still have a lot of development to work on, and myself to figure out. I'm still going to date while I'm on this search, I think, because I need to be in the world and practice with people (if that doesn't sound harsh!). Answering your original question, paddington, I'm still deeply mired in growth and in trying to find myself. I'm excited by this journey, though.
LovieDove24 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yes I suffer from codependency and no, I havent "gotten over" it yet. Both of my parents were severe alcoholics, dysfunctional to the point where I had to be their alarm clocks to get them to work and out of bed in the morning. I learned to do nothing but put my parents first...I often supported them emotionally as their parent rather than their child. On top of that, they made it seem as if I had no needs...or at the very least, they were not important. This left me severly disabled in dealing with relationships in my adulthood. But I will say there has been growth. Since getting my butt into therapy and doing extensive research and group work (think Alanon) I have at least been able to become SELF AWARE of my unhealthy patterns in relationships. The few patterns I've noticed within me are 1) I overfantasize a man into "perfection" status and slowly deplete my own worth in the process. 2) I have many "masks" I wear to get the approval from many different men--I am who they want me to be. 3) If I start getting serious about someone I begin to feel inadequate and slowly push them away.
Author paddington bear Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Mx3 - I don't come from a family with an alcoholic in it either, however I can see exactly where and why I've ended up thinking the way I do about relationships from the way I was brought up. It is not just familial, but can also be religion or one relationship can tip the balance into you having codependent tendencies. Also, while I can see what happened with my family to maybe cause this, I don't blame them for it, it's just an explanation as to why, that's all. And Lovie Dovie. I do the same thing, with the masks, try to be what I think they want, particularly with men who have stated that they do not want me, I try and mould myself into what they do want...so stupid. I mean if you hypothetically got the man, well then he would have fallen for the non-authentic you, fallen for a lie, a lie which you'd then have to keep up forever. I've had a few men say to me that I seemed confident and if not a little arrogant on first meeting me. And they seem to like that. The problem is, by date 2 or more they realise that I'm not actually like that at all, that I'm an unconfident push-over and thus I get dumped, because they were attracted to one side of me and not to the other...
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