dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and there has been no contact until today. He sent me an email making small talk and hoped I was well. What does this mean exactly? I broke up with him out of reluctance; I was really into him but I didn't feel that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I told him this and he disputed it. What should I do? Ignore him, make small talk back, tell him I miss him??
wow123 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I have been in his shoes before. He may really like you but didn't act like it for some reason. Could be... 1. He has recently been hurt by another girl. 2. He was trying to play it cool. 3. Maybe he wasn't that into you. If you really like him the only way to find out his reason are by talking to him. Did you tell him why you broke things off? How did he react?
boogieboy Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Dont plan on talking to him until youre sure youre going to give him a chance to prove he is into you. You could have good instincts, you could be paranoid. You gotta figure out if he can make it clear that he does like you so you believe it.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks for the replies. Our break up was, for me, over the span of a month or so. I had spoken to him about not seeing him enough and always feeling like he wasn't interested. He is a pretty shy/modest/loner-type guy so I figured he had a hard time showing his feelings, but I gave him so many opportunities to prove it to me, but it was almost as if he was resisting. I was hoping he was scared and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm not sure what the best route to take is at this point. I've been devastated since the break up but I honestly don't know where he stands. I really don't want to get hurt again but I really miss him.
boogieboy Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks for the replies. Our break up was, for me, over the span of a month or so. I had spoken to him about not seeing him enough and always feeling like he wasn't interested. He is a pretty shy/modest/loner-type guy so I figured he had a hard time showing his feelings, but I gave him so many opportunities to prove it to me, but it was almost as if he was resisting. I was hoping he was scared and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm not sure what the best route to take is at this point. I've been devastated since the break up but I honestly don't know where he stands. I really don't want to get hurt again but I really miss him. Were these opportunities to show his feelings all hints, and not outright frank talks about it? Loners dont do too well with hints.
broken_promises Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 The same thing happened with me. Reluctant to breakup, but it was clear that things were not going anywhere with my ex. He sent the same kind of email you got a few days after I moved out. I waited over a week to reply and honestly wish I hadn't. He replied to my reply and it just made me feel worse and pulled me back into the drama of it all. But then, I felt so guilty/bad when I thought of not writing back after his first email that it did feel like a relief to send something (small talk) back. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't because now I feel worse. I say, if you aren't/weren't getting the kind of attention you deserve/need in the relationship, move on and don't get back into it with him. You'll feel worse if you waste more time and still end up not getting what you need from him down the line because he couldn't change. Don't second guess yourself.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Were these opportunities to show his feelings all hints, and not outright frank talks about it? Loners dont do too well with hints. At first I tried to hint but eventually I just had to tell him how I felt; how I didn't feel special to him and as though I felt like I was being strung along. He seemed shocked when I told him all this. When I finally did break up with him he apologized for having caused me pain and said I would find someone better. It was almost as if he just gave up. But I'm still perplexed as to why he would contact me?
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Why don't you ask him? Communication in relationships is essential, that's probably where it went wrong in the first place if he was shocked by what you said.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Why don't you ask him? Communication in relationships is essential, that's probably where it went wrong in the first place if he was shocked by what you said. Yes, communication was tough for us as we are both rather shy, keep-to-ourself types. I fear that I let the little things that bugged me all along bottle up and eventually explode in my pre-break-up fight. But at the same time, I'm not going to blame myself for him being distant throughout our relationship. So you're suggesting I ask him why he contacted me? I really don't want to make small talk with him or have a friendship with him. I want to be with him and I want him to be strong enough to tell me that he wants to be with me.
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Yes, communication was tough for us as we are both rather shy, keep-to-ourself types. I fear that I let the little things that bugged me all along bottle up and eventually explode in my pre-break-up fight. But at the same time, I'm not going to blame myself for him being distant throughout our relationship. So you're suggesting I ask him why he contacted me? I really don't want to make small talk with him or have a friendship with him. I want to be with him and I want him to be strong enough to tell me that he wants to be with me. He has reached out to you by contacting you. Do you want to be with him, or do you want him but only if he becomes a stronger person? You can't change people hunny, they are what they are, change only comes from within, not from somebody elses actions. If you want to be with him don't game play, just tell him or ask him.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 He has reached out to you by contacting you. Do you want to be with him, or do you want him but only if he becomes a stronger person? You can't change people hunny, they are what they are, change only comes from within, not from somebody elses actions. If you want to be with him don't game play, just tell him or ask him. Thanks for your response. I'm still not sure what to do, but the advice I've gotten here has helped me some. Ok, well here's my main problem with him: He started out the sweetest, most affectionate, thoughtful guy I'd ever met. Then about a month or so into our relationship, he became super distant. At that point I was shocked and didn't know how to react--didn't know if he wanted me to reach out to him or give him space, so I played the middle of the road. He seemed to come around a little and he started to be the guy I had fallen for, but he just kept holding back. I assumed he either lost interest or was scared. But he's been playing this distant card ever since and I've been non-stop confused as to what happened in the first place for him to act that way. Any insight?
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Hi dixie, may I ask how old you and your ex are please?
Author dixiegirl Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Hi dixie, may I ask how old you and your ex are please? Well we do have a bit of an age difference (which never bothered me)--I'm 27, he's 37.
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Well we do have a bit of an age difference (which never bothered me)--I'm 27, he's 37. I honestly think that honesty is the best policy in a relationship with anyone. If a friend was acting strangly wouldn't you ask if she was ok? If she wanted to talk about it, because you got the impression they weren't themself etc, then lead in gently to what you need to ask. If it were me I'd just come out with it, what do you have to lose? But you have everything to gain. That's my opinion for what it's worth.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I kind of don't feel like responding to him now...am I a terrible person? I mean if he had said that he missed me or he was sorry or that he wanted to talk then I would have been open but this small talk feels like a tease because it probably will give me nothing. Does this mean that it's over? I should stop hoping he wants me?
LisaUk Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 No you're not a terrible person, but as a dumpee myself, I know if I sent my ex an e-mail of small talk (in the early days of our break up, not now), it would have been as a way to reach out. Personally, I think he wants you back, but the only way you will find out is if you ask him. If you do decide to go back though, you need to be able to open up the lines of communication, without this you will not be able to work through the issues that caused the break up in the first place and as such you will be doomed to repeat the behaviours again. It's not just about getting back together, it's about making something better and stronger second time around.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks for the replies LisaUk. So you really think he wants to be with me? I do want to get back with him and make things better and be able to talk to him, but I don't know where to start. I miss him so much but if it's going to hurt anything like how it hurts me now the next time around, I don't think I'm strong enough.
Beeotch Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and there has been no contact until today. He sent me an email making small talk and hoped I was well. What does this mean exactly? I broke up with him out of reluctance; I was really into him but I didn't feel that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I told him this and he disputed it. What should I do? Ignore him, make small talk back, tell him I miss him?? Since you broke up with him...I feel it is up to you to set the record straight or decide to talk or work on things or what have you...you pulled the plug and made the decision to end things...so it cannot be up to him to chase after you. If he was the one who broke up with you...then it would be his duty.
LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Hi Dixie yes I think so, but the only way you will know for sure is if you ask him. like Beetoch said as you were the dumper it really is up to you to make the first move. If the dumpee does it they are kind of worried about looking like a stalker or desperate. i mean really as a dumpee you don't have any say in it so how can you ask for the dumper back? Only you know if you are willing to give it another try, if you don't though, will you always wonder what if?
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 As a "dumpee" myself, I'd also suggest not dragging your feet too long with letting him know how you feel. My ex did just that and by the time she was "ready to try again" it was too late for me. I had built up some serious resentment towards her and actually found myself to be better than fine by myself. Now she's no where in my life and will never be again.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 As a "dumpee" myself, I'd also suggest not dragging your feet too long with letting him know how you feel. But he already knows how I feel. I told him that I wanted to be with him but it never felt like he wanted to be with me (one of the reasons for breaking up). By telling him that I want him back and I regret the break up will still leave me without knowing whether he wants me or not. I didn't want to break up with him but I can't be in an apparent one-sided relationship. Do men have trouble saying things like "I want to be with you" even if they feel it, or does he really not want me?
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 does he really not want me? There's only one person who can answer that question for you...Him.
Author dixiegirl Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Well I finally broke NC with him (I know this post is old). But I gave it a shot hoping he would show regret for forcing me to break up with him. I had made small talk with him since the break up but this time I had made extra effort to show that I was still interested. HE DIDN'T CARE AT ALL. He was totally nonchalant and un-phased. He talked to me like I was an old friend of his and nothing more. I feel so terrible. It seems after I broke up with him I became blind of all the reasons I did so in the first place. I never should have given him another chance. It only showed that I still wanted him and he never wanted me. I feel terrible. I figured I'd post here to avoid contacting him.
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