hj2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I recently had a pretty important conversation about the future with my girlfriend, who I have been dating for about a year and a half. My girlfriend used to make negative comments about having kids pretty frequently, so some time ago I brought it up to find out how she feels. I personally know I want to have kids one day, and it is a deal breaker for me. She responded that she was not sure how she would feel about having kids in the future, that it was too far in advance. She could see herself having them, but she could also see herself being happy without ever having them. We have had a few other conversations about it since then, and I do believe that she is genuinely unsure about it. She looks at it in a very practical, dollars and cents way - whereas i have more of an innate desire to have a child. Fast forward to this week. We were talking about our timelines for the future. We currently live together, so I think it's natural to start talking about those kinds of long-term things. Basically, she said that she would be pretty disappointed if we were not engaged in the next 2 years. She didn't give me a drop-dead time that I needed to do it by (which I appreciate), but i can tell that she would not wait more than 2 years. I think that's fine, and I told her so. I also told her that I am absolutely not going to ask her to marry me without knowing what she wants to do on the kids issue. I do not want to be in a marriage where one person expects to have kids, and it never happens. I want to know with some certainty beforehand what she wants. She said that she's not sure if she will know or not within the next 2 years. Hence, my dilemma. I now have 2 years to pull the trigger and get engaged, but I'm not willing to do that without knowing her stance on kids. I find it somewhat hard to believe that she will be able to tell me within the next 2 years. Thoughts?
Author hj2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 A couple other points that matter here: - she says that she will absolutely never stop working to have kids. she is incredibly intelligent and wants to keep working. she says that she thinks she can create more of an impact through her work than through having kids. - she says that she wants at least 5 years in marriage before having kids. this is fine with me (i would want it too if we got married in the next 3 or 4 years, we are just 23 years old). it is, however, just more evidence to me that she is really uncertain and scared, and won't want to commit to this.
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I think you're handling this well. She appears to know where you stand. It seems very fair and reasonable for you to know where she stands prior to dropping the ring on her. I certainly wouldn't advise going foward with an engagement without knowing that you two are on the same page regarding one another's deal-breakers.
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 A couple other points that matter here: - she says that she will absolutely never stop working to have kids. she is incredibly intelligent and wants to keep working. she says that she thinks she can create more of an impact through her work than through having kids. Could this be the main reason why she doesn't want kids? How about you? Could you, instead, be the one willing to sacrifice your career to be with the kids, so she can keep working? If you're willing, you should tell her, that may affect her decision.
startingover2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 This is very interesting to say the least! I kind of read things differently, as I was reading the initial post I started to get a strange feeling this was confirmed when I read the follow up post. I think that she knows exactly what she wants or doesn't want as it pertains to children, I think her has already decided that she does not want kids. Maybe I think differently because I am older but if I were in a relationship and the whole marriage issue and children issue came up and I was told what the poster was told I would end the relationship and walk away. it is obvious that the poster wants children and that his girlfriend does not. She is already setting a timeline in which he must propose yet kind give him a straight answer on wanting children. Why should he wast anymore time or money when she will not even give him a straight answer. So is he supposed to invest more time, enegy and money into a relationship, get engaged and then be told that she doesn't want children and will not budge on the matter. I say hell no, walk now! Just my thoughts, I am sure many will disagree with me
Author hj2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Could this be the main reason why she doesn't want kids? How about you? Could you, instead, be the one willing to sacrifice your career to be with the kids, so she can keep working? If you're willing, you should tell her, that may affect her decision. Yes, I am willing to. And yes, I did tell her. I also mentioned that while it's okay with me if that was the situation, that I would want her help. While I think it is reasonable that she would not want to stop working, it definitely bugs me. I am sure that I would feel upset knowing that I want kids more than she does, and that I am willing to sacrifice more. Man, isn't this what women always complain about with their husbands?
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Uh, no. While my bf doesn't have as strong a desire to have kids as you do, he did say he might want to sometime in the future. Frankly, as a woman, I feel that having kids is easier for the man. They don't deal with pregnancy, labour, and the postpartum effects. They don't need to wake up at night to breastfeed the baby. Society dictates (in my culture at least) that the woman will be the one spending the bulk of the time taking care of the children. If I was a man I think I might not be so averse to having kids, especially if my woman wanted them and liked being a SAHM. I'd just bring home the money and play with them and teach them a bit. Maybe change a diaper sometimes. What's wrong with you wanting it more and thus sacrificing more?
Author hj2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Well I definitely agree it's harder on women than men. Don't you think it could be a bad situation though if one person wants kids way more than the other?
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Yes, I think it could be. A possible compromise would be that she'd agree on having kids if you'd do most of the work (ie sacrifice) with them? But if you'd find even that unfair... well, I don't know how you could work that out, honestly.
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