AllyC Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 The story of my relationship is a long one, so I'll give a "brief" synopsis: My ex and I met in the 7th grade and started dating in 10th grade. When we graduated, we moved out to Dallas together for school. We lived together from freshman year of college, until now- the summer before my senior year (I am now 21, he is 20). Last year was pretty much the breaking point of our relationship... I had an affair with an older coworker and my ex found out and immediately left. We were separated for about a week, a week in which we both did very stupid things. We got back together, and it was a rocky road until this recent breakup (5 days ago). The breakup happened mostly because of a fight that went too far; long story short, the police were called (no violence though) and he was forced to leave. I didn't intend for him to leave for good, just for the night so we could both cool off. He left and never came back. I tried to talk to him, but at first he wouldn't answer. When he finally did, I broke down and basically begged for forgiveness and a second chance (a stupid thing to do, I know). I did a lot of reading and realized that if I do want him back, I have to give him some space and allow him to figure things out for himself. As far as he's concerned, he says he's done with this relationship and wants to move on.... but I don't believe him. He won't see me in person because we both know we will get back together almost instantly if we do. I can't quite decide if I really want to go through this again, but I do know this: I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or even think about anything else for more than 5 minutes since the breakup. He basically told me he doesn't want to be with me, and that was the most painful thing I've ever heard. The last time we were separated, he did the same thing (but out of knee-jerk anger after the affair). But eventually he missed me enough and came to his senses, and came back. He's acting like he doesn't miss me, and I am almost certain that it's a facade, but there is doubt. Also, he moved in with his brother, who has never approved of me and had a difficult marriage and divorce. So needless to say, there is a big influence pushing for this breakup to be permanent. Does anyone have any advice on what to do.....? I'm hurt and lost and confused and depressed... I haven't contacted him in a day or two and that itself has been a task. Will he come back? A lot of people say yes. I think he still loves me. He says, however, that he's no longer in love. There is a difference, but is that difference enough to keep us apart forever??? Thank you for reading this, I know it's long, but it has been therapeutic.
Thaddeus Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this, AllyC. From what I see, here's the crux of it all: he says he's done with this relationship and wants to move on.... but I don't believe him. Believe him. He's done. He's been immensely hurt by your affair and is not likely to put himself in a vulnerable position again.
Author AllyC Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks for the quick response. The thing about it is, it's been a year since the affair, and we did reconcile after it. He said the same exact thing (even worse, actually) but still came back. I don't expect him to forgive me. I don't know if he'll stay away for good, though. He told me that maybe after he gets his life together and has a chance to be single for the first time in his adult life, we may be able to give this a second (or third, whatever) chance. I'm just confused because I usually can read him like a book, but it's hard without face-to-face contact. He left the door just barely cracked open... but it's an open door nonetheless and I'll take it.
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Well, assuming for the moment that he was indeed over the affair, my guess is that the argument which resulted in the police being called was The Event. What was it about? What was said?
Author AllyC Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Well, he was not "over" the affair. It was a long, dragged out process to even move somewhat past it. But we did move past it and were happy for some time, or so I thought. Basically this is what happened the night that the police were called: We went out to a bar that happened to be in the same building that this girl, we'll call her K, lives in. When we broke up last year, he and K, a former coworker, started having sex, doing drugs, etc. He considered it a low point and hates being reminded of it, but still agreed to go to a club in that area. When we left the club (kind of tipsy) he brought up everything from the past (the affair, etc). I was ignoring him and avoiding a full blowout until he said what really gets to me: "I'm not happy, I haven't been, and I regret getting back together with you" etc. He always says that out of anger, because he knows it gets to me and that's his way of getting me back for hurting him. Things just went downhill from there, and I haven't seen him since. I spoke to him on the phone the next day and he said he would come home and talk about it. He never came, which broke my heart, because by then I had cooled off and realized my errors (I'm always too late). I think the reason he never came and the reason he broke up with me in the first place is that his brother is the person who he stayed with when the cops kicked him out. His brother does not like me because I do not approve of his lifestyle (he is a drug dealer with two small children). He seemed like he was willing to work on it but just really upset, but something had to change in the 24 hours between the phone call and him not coming home. That's why I'm so reluctant to believe that he's really done... I'm not sure it was his decision, he is very easily influenced (hence no face-to-face contact).
dxb Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Of course he's not over the affair. He can forgive, but not forget. Once someone cheats in a relationship, that's it. Your story is pretty much the reason why I've just ditched my girlfriend of the last two years - because she cheated on me and I know that we'd end up in the situation you're in now if we stayed together. If you actually have a shred of respect for him left in you, do the decent thing and end it. Let him go, you've blown this one.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 It's true. There is no reconciliation after cheating. I don't care who tells you what, there just ISN'T. And I say that with psychology on my back to the maximum. It just WON'T WORK. Period. Unless he gets hit over the head HARD and loses his memory. (SERIOUSLY). Amnesia is your only chance. And I wouldn't bank on that. It's over
Recommended Posts