broken_promises Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Despite realizing that the relationship with my ex-b/f wasn't working and despite my initiating the breakup and despite knowing that I completely lost who I was in the relationship, I am now in a place of feeling powerless. It is because he moved on so quickly and completely changed his entire life within a matter of weeks. For the entire 3-1/2 years we were together, he was essentially a reclusive workaholic who never made plans for us to do things together. He always lamented about being trapped in a house he wanted to sell that was isolated and not having friends (he literally only had one friend nearby to do things with like hiking) and complained that he felt like he couldn't set up his drumset (because the dog has anxiety about noise.) We never went on day trips, let alone actual vacations or weekend getaways. It was just work (and, for me, school) and dinner and tv and sleep. Let me preface by saying that prior to getting into this relationship: a) I was a very active person - trail running, traveling, hiking, excitement, friends, modern dance. b) he just moved from relationship to relationship with the same sedentary pattern above. So, now that I have to dig myself out of the sedentary life that he sort of dragged me into with him in isolation so far away and despite my feeling so excited to be closer to friends and feeling a sense of liberation of being away from that life and some of his frustrating ways, I found out (guilty of one transgression of snooping) that he is suddenly doing all sorts of things with friends - and the crush from high school, too. (He had joined Facebook a couple months prior to our breakup so he met back up with high school people, started drumming, etc.) They are planning hikes and day trips and adventure type stuff (kayaking, rock climbing) and he has a "profound sense of freedom" now. ARGGGHHH. We have been broken up for two weeks and have had no phone contact and only a brief email exchange that he initiated and I only replied once to. I guess the problem I am having is I feel like I am suddenly stripped of all of the power I want to have in this breakup. Yes, there is the part of me that wants to know he is pining away but that is unrealistic. And there is the part of me that is SO bitter/angry that he never had any motivation to do any of that stuff when we were together and now he feels "freedom" when all I ever did was encourage him to do those things (drumming, contact/make friends) while we were together. I regret finding all of this out, but more importantly, I want to know WHY it is affecting me so much when I wanted this breakup and didn't even miss him at first. How do I focus on my life and getting back to being active and seeking my own adventures again when I can't seem to let go of my jealousy/anger/disappointment at knowing he suddenly has this instant new life without me???
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I would be annoyed by this too: for years he didn't want to do anything, and then as soon as you split he's out kayaking and hiking and doing all other stuff that you wanted to do with him. Perhaps he's trying to get back at you for breaking up with him, and so he's doing all the stuff you used to nag him to do? You're understandably jealous that he's doing all these exciting things, and annoyed that he didn't want to do them with you. Do you actually want him back now that he seems to be a different person? If not, you need to block him on Facebook and forget about him.
EmperorR Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 as the poster above said maybe hes doing it just to spite you. My last ex always b*tched about me "not wanting to go out"etc., so what did I do when I was dumped every day I was going out socializiing meeting new people and I know it burnt her .
fabulous_chk Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I did the same thing when my ex broke up with me: I did everything he wanted me to do. I went bi, partied hard, dressed up fabulously. It' s his way of exorcising his regrets. Don't take it personally.
boogieboy Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 To the OP, you could try getting your own BF so you can stop thinking about your ex. My ex knew I was frequently using my computer to check facebook, myspace, message boards whatever. What did I do? So she couldnt check up on me...because she wants to know im pining for her....I didnt update anything that she has access to, so now she has NO info on me whatsoever. my myspace,facebook, and youtube (she started an account and added me after we broke up) all havent been accessed, and she knows nothing about what Im doing.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 What I dont understand is that if the OP initiated the break-up why does she care what he does now!? WTF she left him! he's moved on. You guys got no kids, so what's the point? Let it go.
Woggle Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 It drives most women crazy when a man can be perfectly happy without her and this thread is a great example. You are the one who dumped him so stop worrying about what he does in his life. Worry about your own life. It is his life and he has the right to live it as he wishes.
Author broken_promises Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Just to clarify (and I think I need to find a way to state what happened in the breakup because it has caused confusion before)... just because someone is the first person to initiate a breakup (ie say the word "breakup) doesn't mean that they wanted to actually breakup. For me, the lack of commitment and the increasing distance and my ex-b/f's repeated and increasing hints that he was just not that into me LED TO me calling him on the breakup situation. If he had wanted to work on our relationship and try to save it, I would have stayed. I did not truly WANT to breakup... in essence, he created what I have heard called a "backhanded breakup" where he couldn't just call it himself but had to continually make things slowly more difficult and evident that he did not want to be with me but then I had to be the one to name what was going on. So, while I had been preparing myself for this and taking the multiple signs that the relationship was doomed for a while, I am still upset at the fact that things didn't work out. This was not a case of "I don't like you anymore... bye" but rather "I feel like the inevitable is happening... that we're breaking up." Does that make sense?
dxb Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Right, so essentially what happened was you told him you wanted to break up because you thought he didn't want to be with you any more and wasn't taking the relationship seriously. Can I just ask what you expected to happen? It sounds to me like you were thinking perhaps it might change him or make the relationship better. Breaking up is the most dangerous card you can play and you should only ever do it if you mean it. But take heart that it's the right decision. You obviously felt that he was drifting away from you and on the evidence it looks like you were right. You're better off without him.
Author broken_promises Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 No, it wasn't a card... I fully knew it was the end of us. I know it was the right decision, even if it was painful. We were not right for each other. I guess that is what is difficult about my sudden jealous feelings... is that even though I knew it was the right thing, I thought I would be okay because I knew it was coming and took part in it instead of waiting for him to dump me. Obviously, not finding out what is happening in his life is the key. I have been very good... NC and have not looked up anything about him since I first posted this. I know it will subside, but in the moment... I find myself angry anytime I think about what he is doing and who he is with.
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