Just Here Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Here is my issue, which I feel really bad about and would love someones opinion. My boyfriend and I had been talking about getting engaged, we went ring shopping and everything. I found the ring that I really wanted and he knew it too. I thought things were great. This past weekend he proposed and I was thrilled! Then he told me that it is my grandmothers engagement ring that he got from my mom and all of my aunts agreed that I should have it. This sounds great and it is, and I do like the ring. So my problem comes that I don't feel like it is mine, because I still see it as my grandma's. Also, if we hadn't gone ring shopping before I wouldn't have this idea of the other ring that I really like. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to upset anyone (my fiance or my family), and it isn't like there is anything wrong with the one that he gave me and I feel really special for having my grandmothers. But I just wanted something to feel like mine. So I guess I just want some thoughts and if I should just give it some time and maybe it will grow on me or I should say something. If it wasn't for the family part of it I would probably say something because he is so understanding and would want that. But I think I would upset my family more. Please help.
Vet Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Why don't you tell your fiance that you want him to buy you a ring that's yours? If you can't even tell him that, then I'd think hard about your future together. Although, personally speaking, stirring up drama about engagement rings and gifts seems pretty tacky.
Teslacoil Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Just be happy with your family heirloom ring. Don't be like the kid at Christmas who didn't get the exact toy she asked for. If you talk to your husband about the ring, he's instantly going to think that the material object means more to you than his love. He also may have thought that by picking a family heirloom ring he was doing something romantic for you. If you tell him, he's going to believe all that romance was wasted on you. Then, every time he sees the ring on your finger, he'll be reminded that you really didn't like it, and it'll gnaw at him. Maybe not enough to say something, but it will. Then he'll feel bad, and you'll feel guilty for making him feel bad. It's a lose-lose situation. Be happy with your engagement ring. You can have other rings that are "yours" for birthdays, anniversaries, valentine's day, etc.
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 My suggestion is to do whatever you reasonably can to get the ring that YOU want. Check with fiance first, "How do you feel about us getting the ring that I fell in love with when we went shopping?" If he's okay with that, then tell mom and aunts how much you appreciate their thoughts and good wishes, but you opened your heart to the other ring when you went shopping with 'Joe' and that will be your engagement ring. Also that you'd be happy to take stewardship of Grandma's ring but it will not be your engagement ring, or why don't they consider giving it to <sister, cousin, niece>. There really isn't anything to feel bad/guilty about. You totally deserve to have what you want, especially when that already fit into your plans, budget, etc. Congrats on your engagement
Lucky_One Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I can't even imagine turning down my grandmother's ring and all of the love and symbolism that it implies in order to have something else. I wonder if a bit of your unspoken post isn't just about the material aspects fo the ring - size, cut, price - and you are just trying to make your dilemna sound more personal than material. And if I, a stranger, am wondering that, then I am positive that your family and your fiance will be wondering that, too. I would keep the ring and treasure it. You are getting ready to have to buy another ring - a wedding band - and you can get exactly what you want for that.
2sure Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You are going to have to come to terms with and love the fact that you have been given a family heirloom. What is especially great about that is that it was a decision and gift to both you and your husband to be from everyone who loves you both. THATS huge. So, you are feeling a bit princessy...dont we all. Here is what you do. Have it reset. Have it reset into platinum if it is in gold...have a couple of side stones added...whatever. It will not cost as much as a spanking new ring and will now truly be yours as no one else will have one like it.
Lucky_One Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I guess that's an option, 2sure, but then it isn't her grandmother's ring nor an heirloom at all. It's just a reset diamond. To me, it's not the diamond that's precious to her family but the ring itself - the actual part that sat on her grandmother's hand and was given to her grandmother by her husband. I'd just get a diamond band, which you can wear by itself post-wedding, and be thankful that my family loved my fiance AND me as much as they obviously do.
jasminetea Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 That's slightly odd. It would be ok if it were his grandmother, but an engagement ring is meant to be something he gives you, not something your mother/aunt gives you. I think a great compromise is to get the stones reset as 2sure suggests. Maybe it would be a good idea to run the idea past your mother first to make sure she'd be ok with it. Otherwise, get the ring you really liked, its you that has to wear it, so it needs to be you that's happy with it. Having said that - I have an engagement ring that I didn't like enormously when I first saw it, but I agreed to my husband getting it for me as it was something he really liked and it was less expensive than a lot of the others in the shop. The weird thing is, because I know its a symbol of my husband's love for me, I completely adore it now and I wouldn't change it for anything. This has taught me the lesson about priorities. The most important thing to me about being engaged and getting married, is my husband and my relationship with him. The ring, the dress, the cake, the church, the palaver etc. are all symbols of that love but they are not what makes our marriage. I hope that whatever ring you end up with, whenever you look at it you will not only see something very pretty, but you'll also see your fiancee's love.
asireen Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Just be happy with your family heirloom ring. I agree. The way I see it is that you are the lucky one to have been chosen to receive it. When our elders are gone, these are some of the things that keep their memories alive.
2sure Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You know what? Even a sane and practical woman becomes something other than herself when the words engagement and wedding enter her realm. After the wedding, she magically becomes her wonderful self again. Stick with this ring. If , after the honeymoon you want to change it then do so. I bet you wont.
lm3898 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do! Nobody can tell you how you should feel (like some of the people on this post). This is the ring you are going to wear for the rest of your life & even though it was a nice idea, it shouldn't be that big of a deal for you to get a new ring! You can always wear your grandmother's ring on your right hand or on a chain around your neck! You said your fiance would be understanding. That's so important! Tell him how you feel and get the ring you want!! Good luck!
Ruby Slippers Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 It's a piece of metal and mineral. It's as much "yours" as you decide it is. What matters is the meaning behind it, and as I see it, you have both family and romantic love behind it. You can't really do any better than that, IMO.
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'd feel a litle odd about the situation because he proposed to me with a ring that was already mine, i.e. which already belonged to my family, and the e-ring is supposed to be a gift from him to you, not something he gets given by your family. I guess I would feel like he was being cheap. I don't think it would be unreasonable to say that you appreciate the sentiment but you'd prefer a ring of your own choosing, either a brand new ring or a resetting of the stones in your grandmother's ring (with your family's permission). You can even get the gold melted down and put into the new ring.
sally4sara Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 So spend the money getting a sweet custome mokume gane wedding band. You will wear this one everyday after the wedding.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 My 0.02, for what it's worth. A ring is just a thing. Sure, it's a symbol and all that, but if it was just a symbol any old ring would do. The sense I get is that you want him to spend a lot of money because it somehow proves his love for you. So here's what I'd suggest you do: Talk to your man and thank him for the ring. Then suggest that the money he would have invested into a ring goes into something that's actually worthwhile: Real estate comes to mind. (No, I'm not joking.) What's a better indication of his devotion to you? A ring on your finger, or the family home? It continually amazes and disappoints me that the diamond industry has been so effective in their marketing that any ring that doesn't cost at least two month's salary (before taxes) is somehow an insult. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Lucky_One Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 So here's what I'd suggest you do: Talk to your man and thank him for the ring. Then suggest that the money he would have invested into a ring goes into something that's actually worthwhile: Real estate comes to mind. (No, I'm not joking.) What's a better indication of his devotion to you? A ring on your finger, or the family home? A friend's college aged son has spent $800 on snorkeling equipment and bought a second, new Chevy pick-up complete with $4200 in new tires and rims, a lift kit, pipes, and a booming stereo (kid told me about $16000 in so-called upgrades on his truck). I told the kid that he was crazy not to have invested in real estate. He's talking about getting married in 2 years, and those tires will only have to be replaced. Anyway - melt down a family heirloom ring? You must be kidding?
Heroic Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I have never understood the idea of giving a family ring like that. Honesty is the best policy here. "I'm touched that you all want me to have this ring but I'm sorry I want a ring from you, that is mine." OP if you want your marriage to last you better get used to being honest when you don't want to be and doing it diplomatically.
SuicideBlonde Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Would it be a huge deal to reset the stones? Perhaps that way you could feel like the ring is your own and you could design it like the ring you saw and liked.
silktricks Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I guess that's an option, 2sure, but then it isn't her grandmother's ring nor an heirloom at all. It's just a reset diamond. To me, it's not the diamond that's precious to her family but the ring itself - the actual part that sat on her grandmother's hand and was given to her grandmother by her husband. I'd just get a diamond band, which you can wear by itself post-wedding, and be thankful that my family loved my fiance AND me as much as they obviously do. Me too!! I can't imagine anything more special than having the entire family wanting me to have my grandmother's ring, and my fiancee being willing to agree. As Lucky-one said, pick out a wedding band that enhances the heirloom you are lucky enough to have.
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