desdog Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My wife of 23 years works in a large organization with an ex boyfriend of 25 years ago. However, I know that they communicate , in what i believe is a harmeless manner( she does not know that I can check on her). He recently took photo's of an event and the majority of them were of her, several of her rear end. Recently , we attended an afterwork gathering. I had a chance to talk to her ex bf who walked past our small group. I also work in the organizationand have worked aroound him in the past. While we are talking, my wife looked real nervous and uncomfortabe. In fact so did he. She refused to look over at me or her ex b/f. Later in the evening, I left our group and walked across the room. I noticed that my wife had moved over across the room toward a group where her old B/f was standing. After a few minutes, her old b/f , quickly looked around(for me?)walked over to her , gave her a hug and kiss and left. I later asked her what was up with that. She responded that she does not want to talk to him infront of me because she knows how i get. I told her that I expect her to greet all of her friends in front of me. I told her that it hurt my feelings. I am pretty angry now because she refuses to discuss anything, blaming me for her actions.I might add that we have no sex life and she is very cold and distant at times when we are home. In public she tries to put on an false happiness...go figure. Am I off base here or should i demand that she sit down and discuss this. To me, this is just an indication of how troubled our marriage is...please help me with some insight.
Lucky_One Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 How are they communicating, how often, what exactly do they say?
Scorpio13c Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Hey Desdog, It sounds to me like they're definately talking & your strained marriage is more than likely part of their conversations. I wouldn't "Demand" anything, but I would try to calmly discuss your current relationship with her & her current relationship with him. I'm sure there are others here better suited to council you after that. Scorp
Darth Vader Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Hey Desdog, It sounds to me like they're definately talking & your strained marriage is more than likely part of their conversations. I wouldn't "Demand" anything, but I would try to calmly discuss your current relationship with her & her current relationship with him. I'm sure there are others here better suited to council you after that. Scorp No sex with you, being cold towards you, blaming you (Blameshifting Bullcrap!) Yeah, I'd say that she's screwing this guy. Even if she's not, she soon will be! You have to explain to her about how this is making you feel, and ask her how would she feel if you were talking to some other woman the way she's been doing with her old boyfriend (OM). She's hiding something. If she doesn't come clean when you ask, If I were you, I'd be talking to a Lawyer about Divorce!
2sunny Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 it's always the secret and cover up stuff that gives it away. there's more to the story that you don't know yet... it's time to find out exactly what it is. she's obviously not going to give you the truth so start checking her cell for messages, text and vm, emails, money spent, and time away from you etc. if she is defensive or blames you at all there is something much bigger going on than you originally thought possible. keep posting, it's good to get direction from those that have lived through this.
Author desdog Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks to all for the quick replies. She is able to talk to him during work as they sometimes have cross over work responsabilities. How often, i couldn't say. I do not have access to her desk phone. Her cell shows nothing. I'm being patient because something inside..my gut, tells me that there is more to her. It may be sometbody entirely different. I have pretty much all of my bases covered as far as being able to monitor comminication. I guess my point is why can't she greet this guy in front of me, without being nervous. I have no problems with the Old b/f, I dont seek him out but i'm not intimidated or anything like that. One other thing, she would have never said anything aboutb the hug & kiss if i didn't mention it. She just clams up and refuses to talk. One other thing, i'm not one of those types that calls her or checks up on her at work. it was only recently that i shifted gears into monitoring her activity. I will keep everyone posted. I feel better allready just getting it off my chest. I have no friends to lay this on...thanks
lora22 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm not saying everything here is on the up and up, BUT there's obviously a side to this we're not hearing that you're hinting at. Why are you secretly checking up on your wife? Sorry if I'm incredibly off base, but that statement, combined with her statement that she knows how you get...TO ME, that made me think that you have a long (23 year?) history of being jealous/accusatory for no reason other than she interacts with men in regular everyday ways. The fact that she was uncomfortable interacting with a VERY old ex whom she works with in front of you only contributes to my suspicion that maybe she's just afraid and tired of your unfounded jealousy and doesn't want to deal with it. This would also drive her away from you and make her "cold" toward you and not want to be intimate with you. And yes, that might drive her toward another man, but not necessarily. My wife of 23 years works in a large organization with an ex boyfriend of 25 years ago. However, I know that they communicate , in what i believe is a harmeless manner( she does not know that I can check on her). He recently took photo's of an event and the majority of them were of her, several of her rear end. Recently , we attended an afterwork gathering. I had a chance to talk to her ex bf who walked past our small group. I also work in the organizationand have worked aroound him in the past. While we are talking, my wife looked real nervous and uncomfortabe. In fact so did he. She refused to look over at me or her ex b/f. Later in the evening, I left our group and walked across the room. I noticed that my wife had moved over across the room toward a group where her old B/f was standing. After a few minutes, her old b/f , quickly looked around(for me?)walked over to her , gave her a hug and kiss and left. I later asked her what was up with that. She responded that she does not want to talk to him infront of me because she knows how i get. I told her that I expect her to greet all of her friends in front of me. I told her that it hurt my feelings. I am pretty angry now because she refuses to discuss anything, blaming me for her actions.I might add that we have no sex life and she is very cold and distant at times when we are home. In public she tries to put on an false happiness...go figure. Am I off base here or should i demand that she sit down and discuss this. To me, this is just an indication of how troubled our marriage is...please help me with some insight.
lora22 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 One other thing, she would have never said anything aboutb the hug & kiss if i didn't mention it. She just clams up and refuses to talk. If it was just a normal hello/goodbye hug and kiss, why WOULD she mention it? Does she inform you every time a family member or girl friend does that?
2sunny Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks to all for the quick replies. She is able to talk to him during work as they sometimes have cross over work responsabilities. How often, i couldn't say. I do not have access to her desk phone. Her cell shows nothing. I'm being patient because something inside..my gut, tells me that there is more to her. It may be sometbody entirely different. I have pretty much all of my bases covered as far as being able to monitor comminication. I guess my point is why can't she greet this guy in front of me, without being nervous. I have no problems with the Old b/f, I dont seek him out but i'm not intimidated or anything like that. One other thing, she would have never said anything aboutb the hug & kiss if i didn't mention it. She just clams up and refuses to talk. One other thing, i'm not one of those types that calls her or checks up on her at work. it was only recently that i shifted gears into monitoring her activity. I will keep everyone posted. I feel better allready just getting it off my chest. I have no friends to lay this on...thanks when there is nothing to hide - there is nothing to hide... get it? your gut feeling is your best indicator right now. i would get one of those voice activated pens and put it in her purse. google it... i think it will tell you what you need to know.
Lucky_One Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Have to totally agree with Lora here. You have NO evidence that she is doing ANYTHING wrong - no texts, no calls, no lost afternoons. You remind me of my XH - accusatory and suspicious. Is this an ongoing theme in your marriage?
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 It is possible that she has a crush on him and is embarrassed by it, or she is just enjoying the attention yet she knows it's wrong and that's why they both were nervous. EIther way she knows what she is doing is wrong, and blaming you is just making it worse. If it feels wrong and your gut is talking to you, listen to it. Anyway, instead of accusing her, start spending MORE time with her so she can feel loved and special. Make her forget about this guy and focus on you! Sounds like the two of you need some TLC and a holiday alone so you can reconnect again. BE that guy she fell inlove with again.. Maybe it'll help improve things in and outside of the bedroom, get you two close again and communicating.
RA1 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Your marriage has clearly been troubled for a long time and you haven't managed to sort it out between you, so I would suggest going to see a couples counselor who can facilitate discussions between you.
jnj express Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Just maybe if you work out your marital problems, your other problems will go away. You need to force her to discuss or go to counseling in/re: your marital problems. You admit they are there, if she refuses to work on them with you, then you know how to proceed. If she is playing around on the side, you need to keep investigating, and that becomes another of your marital problems you have to deal with.
lora22 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Have to totally agree with Lora here. You have NO evidence that she is doing ANYTHING wrong - no texts, no calls, no lost afternoons. You remind me of my XH - accusatory and suspicious. Is this an ongoing theme in your marriage? Ditto, with an exbf. I feel like I could probably write the thread your wife would post if she were on this site. If this is the case, maybe you should consider therapy for yourself to work out those issues, as well as with your wife to help her trust you again and rebuild your marriage.
2sure Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 The ONLY Flag I see here are his taking pictures of your wife's butt. Thats not good. But you mention the pictures were from an event with other people. Were the pictures not of your wife's butt but of a group of people from a distance and your wife was merely facing away from the camera OR Were they pictures of your wife's butt??
Author desdog Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Lora 22 and Lucky One, you both sound a little bitter to me. I really don't need that or have the energy to respond to your accusitory tone. However, to put your comments to rest, I have never accused, followed, checked on her, or give her any reason to accuse me of being the overbearing husband. I have allways trusted her. This old B/F doesen't come up in conversation...ever . I am not bothered that she had a relationship with him. I don't think you ladies really understand how a man thinks or what concerns we have. Maybe it was your upbringing or the enviornment you grew up in. Whatever, please don't respond anymore. You both gaslighted me like my wife did in the car coming home from the gathering. It's like "it must me the husbands fault..there is no way the wife could have done something wrong". Please...I do not need this right now. The bottom line is that she and he never acknowledge each other and if you were standing around you would think they were strangers. Out of nowhere, comes this quick hug and kiss, subsequent to a quick check of the room. That is much different than friends greeting each other with hugs and hand shakes out in the open...in FRONT of their spouses..get it! Again..please do not respond back
Bryanp Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 If the roles were reversed, I doubt that your wife would be so accepting as you. She is disrespecting you and is playing with fire.
sally4sara Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Lora 22 and Lucky One, you both sound a little bitter to me. I really don't need that or have the energy to respond to your accusitory tone. However, to put your comments to rest, I have never accused, followed, checked on her, or give her any reason to accuse me of being the overbearing husband. I have allways trusted her. This old B/F doesen't come up in conversation...ever . I am not bothered that she had a relationship with him. I don't think you ladies really understand how a man thinks or what concerns we have. Maybe it was your upbringing or the enviornment you grew up in. Whatever, please don't respond anymore. You both gaslighted me like my wife did in the car coming home from the gathering. It's like "it must me the husbands fault..there is no way the wife could have done something wrong". Please...I do not need this right now. The bottom line is that she and he never acknowledge each other and if you were standing around you would think they were strangers. Out of nowhere, comes this quick hug and kiss, subsequent to a quick check of the room. That is much different than friends greeting each other with hugs and hand shakes out in the open...in FRONT of their spouses..get it! Again..please do not respond back Many of us women have dealt with a overly jealous ex at some point. I think they just wanted to hear your clarifications that you are not like their exes, cause if you were, all your wife's actions and attitudes would make more sense if you were an overly jealous and suspicious guy. They just wanted to know if this was a common suspicion you have of her in your marriage to make sure they don't advise a potentially dangerous guy the wrong way. I didn't think they sounded jaded or as though they were attacking you, they just wanted more information. I'm sure you are feeling a little raw over all this and took them the wrong way. I hope things work out for you.
Lucky_One Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Actually, your response makes me even more curious as to how your attitude really IS towards your wife. You certainly jumped the gun in a pretty negative way. If you have ever read my posts, I am nowhere NEAR bitter about men, and am in a very happy relationship right now. But I have had a controlling and jealous husband, and your post sent up red flags, rather than triggers.
lkjh Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I get what you are saying and it would bother anyone here. It does not mean your wife is doing anything wrong but it must be a uneasy feeling. All you really can do is sit back and monitor your wife.
kuma Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 we have no sex life and she is very cold and distant at times when we are home. In public she tries to put on an false happiness...go figure. Am I off base here or should i demand that she sit down and discuss this. To me, this is just an indication of how troubled our marriage is...please help me with some insight. desdog No, you're not off base. Your marriage is in TROUBLE. You have to find out why your wife is cold towards you.
curiousnycgirl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 What does she mean when she says she knows how you get and that's why she doesn't want to discuss it with you? Do you know what she means? If not have you tried to ask/discuss it? I think this is the part of the post that makes people think there is more going on here - you just glossed over it, but I think it may be material. Thoughts?
lora22 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Many of us women have dealt with a overly jealous ex at some point. I think they just wanted to hear your clarifications that you are not like their exes, cause if you were, all your wife's actions and attitudes would make more sense if you were an overly jealous and suspicious guy. They just wanted to know if this was a common suspicion you have of her in your marriage to make sure they don't advise a potentially dangerous guy the wrong way. I didn't think they sounded jaded or as though they were attacking you, they just wanted more information. I'm sure you are feeling a little raw over all this and took them the wrong way. I hope things work out for you. Thank you, well said. Actually, your response makes me even more curious as to how your attitude really IS towards your wife. You certainly jumped the gun in a pretty negative way. If you have ever read my posts, I am nowhere NEAR bitter about men, and am in a very happy relationship right now. But I have had a controlling and jealous husband, and your post sent up red flags, rather than triggers. Ditto. desdog, you asked for insight into the situation on a public forum. My insight was different from what most people offered, and different from what you were clearing wanting to hear and looking to hear - that doesn't mean I deserve a rude and hostile response for my effort in taking the time to offer a different opinion and suggestions.
Author desdog Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 LORA 22 and LUCKY ONE, thank you for your input and comments.
Author desdog Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 2 SUNNY, I think you may get my point. You have to trust that all of the info that is posted is truthfull and honest. Otherwisw people can get off track searching for reasons that are not relevant to your specific situation. There have been some incidents in the past that I just overlooked. It was only able to connect all of the dots when I found this site and the womensinfidelity site. I just was one of theose guys that didn't see it. But now, all i can do is protect my self and determine if in fact there is something. Is it normal for a spouse to do what i stated that she did??? that is all I want to know. To some it may be nothing, but to me it all makes sense. Let me throw one other quick thing out. I sent her some flowers at work. I called her receptionist and asked if they were deliveries in the am as I payed extra for them to be brought in early. The recetionist, after several calls, told me that they had not arrived as of noon. About twenty minutes later, receptionist leaves voice message stating that my wife had reveived the flowers the previous week( my heart stops). I call receptionsict back, she tells me that she made a mistake. I lie to receptionist and tell her that I also sent my wife flowers the previos week. Receptionist lets out big sigh of relief over phone. Says my wife really loved the flowers from the previos week and was really surprised. Keep in mind I DID NOT SEND HER FLOWERS THE PREVIOUS WEEK. Wife comes home, I ask her how she liked the flowers i sent her today. she was very happy. I then asked her about the flowers from the previous week. The look on her face as priceless, however, she again started in telling me that it was a mistake on the recepionistc part and the receptionsit made a mistake. The flowers from the previous week went to another lady, not her. Receptionsit backs wife up with story. On face to face meeting with receptionist, I could see she wanted no part of this issue and I didn't press it as it was unfair to put her in the middle. It was my understanding that most women in an office enviornment know dates, times and recipients of flowers...am I right. whats your take on this? Thanks to all of you for your input
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