lesoiseaux Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My boyfriend and I are both 20 years old and in college. We've been going out for over a year and a half, and while our relationship has not been absolutely perfect, especially in the beginning, things are going absolutely great. Currently we're in different cities for summer vacation, which makes things difficult. I'm going to try to keep this short but my mind is spinning, so sorry for all my rambling. There's always been this lingering feeling that he doesn't feel quite as strongly about me as I do about him. It never really became an "issue" until relatively recently, as our feelings for one another got more serious. I know that I'm in love with him, care for him deeply, and, although we're young, I could see a future between us, even if I'm only daydreaming about it. He, on the other hand, isn't IN love with me, and while he really does love me and care for me, his feelings just aren't QUITE the same. We're just not quite on the same page...maybe a page or two apart. We talked about this last night and suddenly the possibility of breaking up was on the table. I was so surprised because we really have been so happy...it's been hard being apart but when we're together things are fantastic, they truly are. And even while we're apart we do our best and talk on the phone every night. He definitely does love me and care about me, but it's clear that I feel more strongly than he does. But what if I'm just faster at getting to that point of being "in love"? Maybe his feelings will continue to develop, as they have over the past few months. I also feel like it's silly to break up over the mere possibility that he may never feel more for me when we are so happy together right now. But on the other hand, I'm also scared that I'm holding him back, especially seeing as how we're in college. He says it's not so much that he would ever want to experience other girls so much as it is that he feels like he might be missing out on just...doing things. For example, over a year ago he rushed a fraternity, but I was always uncomfortable with it and didn't like it (he treated me very poorly at this time) and eventually he just stopped being involved with it. So, if he hadn't been dating me he might still be in the frat. Another example...he likes to go skateboarding and snowboarding but sometimes he has to forgo some opportunities to do so to spend time with me. I know it's selfish of me and I am going to try to stop being so needy, but if he weren't with me than he would undoubtedly have more time to do these things. Breaking up just seems wrong, like it won't solve anything. Neither he nor I wants to end things, but am I "supposed" to want more? Am I supposed to not settle for anything less than someone who is head over heels in love with me? Am I supposed to let him go so that he can experience all that he wants (even though I feel like we can reach a compromise on this point and find a better balance between relationship time and individual time)? Are all relationships necessarily "equal," or perhaps it is normal for one person to love the other more...maybe it's just too idealistic. I feel like people will tell me to break things off because I deserve more. But it's not that easy. My boyfriend gives me so much and he is one of the best and sweetest guys I know. I am glad he is honest with me and doesn't claim to be in love with me when he's not. He loves me and cares for me and loves spending time with me. And, we don't even want to break up. So am I really supposed to end everything? I am feeling so lost here...any advice would be much appreciated.
Author lesoiseaux Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks for your response, talktome. I think it's hard for either of us to know exactly what we want since we are young. I asked him how he would feel if we were still together say a year after graduation (i.e. in 3 years)--if that would scare him, or if he would have regrets, or anything--and he said no, as long as we're happy. So I took that to mean he's not opposed to things becoming more serious...but I think that he likes to take things a day at a time and just enjoy being together. I am just so worried this will ruin the relationship. I take comfort knowing that neither of us wants to break up but I haven't had a chance to talk to him much since last night so I'm left hanging right now and my mind is running. Any other opinions? I really do need some outside perspective..
evaG Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Don't get too worked up over it. You're both still young and innocent (not that I'm that much older), but people's goals and views on life change, especially at your age. If you get too worked up over it, he may end up feeling suffocated. Relax and enjoy.
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