Author tigressA Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Yesterday, after reading your post about being miserable, all I could think was "where did that come from?". I wondered if maybe you weren't doing something I've done in the past: hold my boyfriends responsible for my happiness. Which would lead to me nitpicking on them. Yeah, it was an exaggeration...I ended up feeling horrible after talking to my dad's girlfriend; she made me feel so bad about everything. She can be like that. That's why I don't talk to her or my dad, or anyone else in my family, very often at all. I don't think I'm holding my boyfriend responsible for my happiness; it's just that he and his family have pretty much become my family and I've almost completely shedded or "outgrown" my biological one because they want to live in some "Us v. Them" world that I hate (my dad and his girlfriend are black and very working-class; my biological mom is white and working-class, and my boyfriend is white and very middle-class). My extended family on my mom's side is racist and they pretty much disowned her after she gave birth to me; my extended family on my dad's side act like I'm not white at all and don't approve of me dating "outside my kind" and not being a churchgoer. Though I don't depend on him to be happy, I have invested a lot in our relationship. Since I've pulled away more, things have been a lot better. And like I said, I do feel better about everything. I used to just look out for myself all the time; I never let anyone take care of me. I was always so independent, never vulnerable. I was the kind of person who would refuse to borrow/take a single penny from someone, no matter how much I needed it. And over the last half-year or so, due to circumstances I've had to let go of that a little; I've had to let my boyfriend take care of me; I've had to become more vulnerable. I fell into being taken care of rather quickly; I took to it, and I tend to forget that I am a strong person, I can depend on myself; I can take care of myself. And if I just remember that, then if things don't work out I know I have myself--I have my happiness, my interests, my goals, and I have my friends, who are pretty much my other family anyway.
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