Seeking , guidance, understanding?

[bentnotbroken]

thank you all for the supportive answers, the answers that weren't so supportive, yet offered guidance. i wasn't looking for agreement. but i also wasn't looking to be spit upon. i thought this was a safe place to avoid that...but one poster mentioned maybe i put it in the wrong forum, so for that i am sorry.

 

things are traveling down the path....he knows i have a friend, but doesn't know the extent, and i have no plans on telling him. it's just how i feel right now.

 

H is coming home tonight, he is very scared. he admitted to me via email that he is addicted to porn and has been since before we were married. it's been a tough pill to swallow over the years. the requests to swing, be with other women, basically your porn lifestyle. my identity as a sexual being is shattered, and HE did that to me. i didn't mention any of this in my original post, b/c i wanted advice about the more simple problem.

 

i know it's not that simple...

 

i'm not trying to justify myself, what i've done was wrong, but i'm sorry, i can't feel like i'm just as bad as him. i've put up with this for 15 years. i'm an educated stay at home mom...and with the kids, sorta felt like i was trapped in this relationship...that may have been wrong...but it's what i put up with..i thought it was all i deserved.

 

and then came along the OM (other man?) and i saw the light that it didnt' have to be that way, that someone could value me as more than a sexual outlet.

 

i've heard of the Mira book, and actually went to look for it, but they were out.

 

i really appreciate the poster who udnerstood dealing with a porn addicted spouse. i don't know if anyone can understand the pain that it causes. the way it devalues me as a woman and human being. it's very painful, and yes, i looked outside my marraige for acceptance. i asked and asked him over the years to stop, and he would say he did, but didn't. he claims he hasn't looked at any porn over the last week and likened it to "going without cigs for a week"

 

thank you again for the advice and understanding to those who offered it. i'm not sure this is the right place for me right now, but i'm willing to read all the replies and take them to heart.

 

 

This part of your post, I don't get. I also believe porn devalues not just women, but the men who need it. So if you feel that devalued( I don't doubt you did) why further devalue yourself as woman, as a human? Why would you become a less than the way you were already feeling. He didn't value you and your marriage and you didn't value yo and your marriage. I don't understand not using the tools and assets you had to remove yourself from the situation. I don't believe that means leaving necessarily( I was a SAHM too.), but it does mean getting outside help from professionals and setting boundaries that you would stick too.

 

Instead you chose to compound the problem and continue to compound it. How is that helping anyone? How is that solving the basic issue and living a stronger healthier existence?

[lkjh]

thank you all for the supportive answers, the answers that weren't so supportive, yet offered guidance. i wasn't looking for agreement. but i also wasn't looking to be spit upon. i thought this was a safe place to avoid that...but one poster mentioned maybe i put it in the wrong forum, so for that i am sorry.

 

things are traveling down the path....he knows i have a friend, but doesn't know the extent, and i have no plans on telling him. it's just how i feel right now.

 

H is coming home tonight, he is very scared. he admitted to me via email that he is addicted to porn and has been since before we were married. it's been a tough pill to swallow over the years. the requests to swing, be with other women, basically your porn lifestyle. my identity as a sexual being is shattered, and HE did that to me. i didn't mention any of this in my original post, b/c i wanted advice about the more simple problem.

 

i know it's not that simple...

 

i'm not trying to justify myself, what i've done was wrong, but i'm sorry, i can't feel like i'm just as bad as him. i've put up with this for 15 years. i'm an educated stay at home mom...and with the kids, sorta felt like i was trapped in this relationship...that may have been wrong...but it's what i put up with..i thought it was all i deserved.

 

and then came along the OM (other man?) and i saw the light that it didnt' have to be that way, that someone could value me as more than a sexual outlet.

 

i've heard of the Mira book, and actually went to look for it, but they were out.

 

i really appreciate the poster who udnerstood dealing with a porn addicted spouse. i don't know if anyone can understand the pain that it causes. the way it devalues me as a woman and human being. it's very painful, and yes, i looked outside my marraige for acceptance. i asked and asked him over the years to stop, and he would say he did, but didn't. he claims he hasn't looked at any porn over the last week and likened it to "going without cigs for a week"

 

thank you again for the advice and understanding to those who offered it. i'm not sure this is the right place for me right now, but i'm willing to read all the replies and take them to heart.

 

this part makes me think that you are a narcissist. You have done something worst not equal or less. You actually let another man inside of you and now you are considering splitting your family up to stay with this MM. You are willing to take your kids away from their father so you can continue doing this. One day your kids are going to have questions about relationships and you won't be able to answer them truthfully. When your son/daughter gets cheated on and comes to you, what are you going to say? How are you going to teach your kids about honesty when you are lying like crazy? How are you going to teach them about the importance of family when you are recklessly destroying two families?

 

Do you work? Is your H the main provider?

What have you done for the marriage?

Have you truly talked to your? Did you go to MC?

Get your H to take part in hobbies?

have you tried to find out why your husband seems to need porn?

 

 

If you have done all of these things and nothing changed then you should have requested a divorce.

[lkjh]

Some people think it is. They even write books about it that people buy and believe in.

 

It's sad what we are becoming

[thegirl]

this part makes me think that you are a narcissist. You have done something worst not equal or less. You actually let another man inside of you and now you are considering splitting your family up to stay with this MM. You are willing to take your kids away from their father so you can continue doing this. One day your kids are going to have questions about relationships and you won't be able to answer them truthfully. When your son/daughter gets cheated on and comes to you, what are you going to say? How are you going to teach your kids about honesty when you are lying like crazy? How are you going to teach them about the importance of family when you are recklessly destroying two families?

 

Do you work? Is your H the main provider?

What have you done for the marriage?

Have you truly talked to your? Did you go to MC?

Get your H to take part in hobbies?

have you tried to find out why your husband seems to need porn?

 

 

If you have done all of these things and nothing changed then you should have requested a divorce.

 

First off, i don't know what your problem is and why you are attacking me. It took me 15 years to realize that I AM NOT the problem, he is. I am the victim. And it hurts me as a woman that you are suggesting that i drove him to porn, since before we were even engaged.

 

I'm not going to justify my reasons to you, I'm blocking you. So feel free to reply. I will not stoop so low as to suggest why you are so freaking bitter, but if it makes you feel better to make this my fault, you go right ahead. I'd venture to guess you would think a chick in a short dress deserved to be raped. Have a nice life.

[thegirl]

To everyone else, who was able to make contructive critisism, i truly appreciate it, but i've decided this is not the place for me. After what I've been through over the years, the last thing I expected was to be personally attacked, and i know it seems to come from one person on this site....i guess i was better off living with the situation...for some reason i feel the need to justify myself, but it doesn't matter, i know in my heart i took the steps to remedy the problem over and over and over again. My actions of the last 6 months, while wrong, do not equal what has been done to me as a person, and I'll never believe that.

 

good luck to you all and your personal situations. I wish you all the best.

[thegirl]

oh that makes it ok to cheat on your H and family with a married man. My bad you are clearly a victim. Two wrongs don't make a right and your wrong is a lot worst. What do you think will happen when both families find out? Do you think if you tell your kids "daddy watched porn so mommy got even" it will all be ok. You are a mother and everything you do will directly affect your children but the worst part is the fact that you have now included a innocent family in this.

 

Well, I can't seem to figure out how to delete my membership, so maybe I can get myself banned.

 

You have no clue what you are talking about...you clearly have a chip on your shoulder...daddy didn't watch porn....daddy is ****ing addicted...and has phone sex, and wants to prostitute his wife out. **** you. You can stick your ****ty attitude up your ass, and if your bitter about your life b/c your man or woman did you wrong, it was probably b/c you were a crazy ass bitch. Have fun.

 

That should get me off the membership list.

[NOTSURE7]

Well, I can't seem to figure out how to delete my membership, so maybe I can get myself banned.

 

You have no clue what you are talking about...you clearly have a chip on your shoulder...daddy didn't watch porn....daddy is ****ing addicted...and has phone sex, and wants to prostitute his wife out. **** you. You can stick your ****ty attitude up your ass, and if your bitter about your life b/c your man or woman did you wrong, it was probably b/c you were a crazy ass bitch. Have fun.

 

That should get me off the membership list.

 

when you post you have to take the good and the bad,i have done this and i find it very constructive to listen to everyone..

 

i understand your pain in many ways but to be honest you chose your path, i am in the same situation as you with an ow but i accept that i chose this path and to blame anything else is really just an excuse.

 

i wish you the best of luck, we all need it.

[bentnotbroken]

To everyone else, who was able to make contructive critisism, i truly appreciate it, but i've decided this is not the place for me. After what I've been through over the years, the last thing I expected was to be personally attacked, and i know it seems to come from one person on this site....i guess i was better off living with the situation...for some reason i feel the need to justify myself, but it doesn't matter, i know in my heart i took the steps to remedy the problem over and over and over again. My actions of the last 6 months, while wrong, do not equal what has been done to me as a person, and I'll never believe that.

 

good luck to you all and your personal situations. I wish you all the best.

 

 

Is that what you have reduced your self worth to. Equaling another's wrong? This is a sad statement to make about your life and yourself. :{

What do you have to offer your children with a life view like this? If you are going to go through life trying to pay people back with equally self destructive actions, how will you survive? You will continue to sink lower and lower until you drown in your own mess. Why stoop lower? Why not rise above?

[GreenEyedLady]

You know what, I'm sorry guys.

 

This is a new poster and many of you have been downright nasty to her.

 

If you don't like what a poster who this forum was designed specifically for has to say, stay in Infidelity.

 

OP: I'm sorry they attacked you. If you're still here, ignore all the rude a** people and put them on ignore. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this in addition to what you have on your plate in real life.

 

I have often wondered where all the OW are and it's pretty apparent that most of them have been run off by know it all BS's or straight out haters.

 

GEL

[In_Repair]

GreenEyedLady, even as an OM, I find it hard to show support for thegirl on this one. She has to get past the denial and her extreme need to justify her poor decision. She says that it is her husbands fault that she is cheating. Unless he forcibly pimped her out, it's not his fault. Plus, not only is she using her husband's porn habit as her excuse for actually having sex with another person behind his back, she has gone so far as to convince herself that watching porn is more of an offense than screwing around.

 

She claims that he wanted to prostitute her out, yet she can't bring herself to tell him about it when she does sleep with another man, even though she is convinced that it is his fault and he deserves it. It just doesn't add up, and that level of denial is hard to support with a clear conscience.

[spiraling downward]

Well, I can't seem to figure out how to delete my membership, so maybe I can get myself banned.

 

You have no clue what you are talking about...you clearly have a chip on your shoulder...daddy didn't watch porn....daddy is ****ing addicted...and has phone sex, and wants to prostitute his wife out. **** you. You can stick your ****ty attitude up your ass, and if your bitter about your life b/c your man or woman did you wrong, it was probably b/c you were a crazy ass bitch. Have fun.

 

That should get me off the membership list.

 

By the actions your husband has taken, he has broken his marriage vows to you first in a moral sense. Marriage is a moral contract.... he broke the moral contract and set you free from your moral obligation to the marriage.

 

The rub is that marriage is also a legal contract. I do not believe that these two concepts should be confused. The legal contract without the moral aspect becomes a form of slavery in my opinion. You are legally bound to a person who has morally violated you.

 

My only advice to you is that you have to make a choice and make it soon. You can not remain on the fence forever. The situation you are in is not doing anyone any good.

[Owl]

It's clear from your posts that you're very hurt and angry by your H's actions.

 

You're not sure what you want out of this situation.

 

He clearly KNOWS that something is going on...his actions make it obvious. He probably just doesn't have the proof to confront you with.

 

Why NOT tell him the truth? Admit to your relationship with the OM, and sit down and start making a real decision on what you want to do from here?

 

You HAVE TO choose. Marriage or OM. Husband or OM.

 

It's that simple, even though it's tremendously painful.

 

You either give your H a chance to change, AND YOU MAKE CHANGES YOURSELF...or you walk out on the last 15 years.

 

Sitting right where you're at is tearing all three of you up.

 

Make a decision...and cut one of the two free.

 

What's it gonna be?

[GreenEyedLady]

GreenEyedLady, even as an OM, I find it hard to show support for thegirl on this one. She has to get past the denial and her extreme need to justify her poor decision. She says that it is her husbands fault that she is cheating. Unless he forcibly pimped her out, it's not his fault. Plus, not only is she using her husband's porn habit as her excuse for actually having sex with another person behind his back, she has gone so far as to convince herself that watching porn is more of an offense than screwing around.

 

She claims that he wanted to prostitute her out, yet she can't bring herself to tell him about it when she does sleep with another man, even though she is convinced that it is his fault and he deserves it. It just doesn't add up, and that level of denial is hard to support with a clear conscience.

 

This forum was created for support for those involved with committed partners. Some of the posts were EXTREMELY RUDE. If people cannot offer respectful opinions, then they should not post on this thread.

 

No wonder so many people struggle in real life by themselves. The very places intended for compassion and support are rife with condemnation and damnation. This should be the place where she can come and post and find out the way for her.

 

The attack posts she is getting are not going to help her. Instead she will be left alone with no one to talk to and she reached out for help here.

 

So Mr. New Poster, this forum is intended for EVERYONE involved with a committed partner to receive support and discussion. That does not mean agreement with the person's choices, but according to Loveshack guidelines it does mean that it is respectful and done in the spirit of helping.

 

If people cannot do that, they should stay off the thread.

 

GEL

[Mino]

GreenEyedLady, even as an OM, I find it hard to show support for thegirl on this one. She has to get past the denial and her extreme need to justify her poor decision. She says that it is her husbands fault that she is cheating. Unless he forcibly pimped her out, it's not his fault. Plus, not only is she using her husband's porn habit as her excuse for actually having sex with another person behind his back, she has gone so far as to convince herself that watching porn is more of an offense than screwing around.

 

She claims that he wanted to prostitute her out, yet she can't bring herself to tell him about it when she does sleep with another man, even though she is convinced that it is his fault and he deserves it. It just doesn't add up, and that level of denial is hard to support with a clear conscience.

in repair, people have A also when they feel neglected by their S. Why are you a OM? What is you mw reason, just for fun? People dont ususally go out side their M if everything is honky dory at home. If he is sitting in front of the computer jacking off to porn, and she is sitting by herself feeling lonely, is that not enough reason to be in this bad situation. No one said its right, but that life, **** happens...

[Mino]

This forum was created for support for those involved with committed partners. Some of the posts were EXTREMELY RUDE. If people cannot offer respectful opinions, then they should not post on this thread.

 

No wonder so many people struggle in real life by themselves. The very places intended for compassion and support are rife with condemnation and damnation. This should be the place where she can come and post and find out the way for her.

 

The attack posts she is getting are not going to help her. Instead she will be left alone with no one to talk to and she reached out for help here.

 

So Mr. New Poster, this forum is intended for EVERYONE involved with a committed partner to receive support and discussion. That does not mean agreement with the person's choices, but according to Loveshack guidelines it does mean that it is respectful and done in the spirit of helping.

 

If people cannot do that, they should stay off the thread.

 

GEL

Hi Gel, I have to agree with you on this one. We have about 10 BS to 1 Ow/OM here. Half of the bs give great advice, the other half just spit fire. Its sad, but I guess it makes them feel better. I guess somebody is getting something off this forum...

[Mino]

This forum was created for support for those involved with committed partners. Some of the posts were EXTREMELY RUDE. If people cannot offer respectful opinions, then they should not post on this thread.

 

No wonder so many people struggle in real life by themselves. The very places intended for compassion and support are rife with condemnation and damnation. This should be the place where she can come and post and find out the way for her.

 

The attack posts she is getting are not going to help her. Instead she will be left alone with no one to talk to and she reached out for help here.

 

So Mr. New Poster, this forum is intended for EVERYONE involved with a committed partner to receive support and discussion. That does not mean agreement with the person's choices, but according to Loveshack guidelines it does mean that it is respectful and done in the spirit of helping.

 

If people cannot do that, they should stay off the thread.

 

GEL

Gel, shall we rename this section of lS to " bash the ow/om "? It coiuld be am extension to the infidelity board, you know where BS can come and get their anger out... Just a thought. I went on to NID thread of why would the ow... and I stopped reading after the first page, nothing but BS, I think I am also getting to the point where this site has become useless...

[Ms. Red]

This forum was created for support for those involved with committed partners. Some of the posts were EXTREMELY RUDE. If people cannot offer respectful opinions, then they should not post on this thread.

 

I agree.

 

No wonder so many people struggle in real life by themselves. The very places intended for compassion and support are rife with condemnation and damnation. This should be the place where she can come and post and find out the way for her.

 

I agree again. I never did start a thread about my situation because the above is exactly what I feared after reading this forum for a bit to see what responses were like. And that was 2 years ago & it's gotten increasingly worse on here since then.

 

The attack posts she is getting are not going to help her. Instead she will be left alone with no one to talk to and she reached out for help here.

 

So Mr. New Poster, this forum is intended for EVERYONE involved with a committed partner to receive support and discussion. That does not mean agreement with the person's choices, but according to Loveshack guidelines it does mean that it is respectful and done in the spirit of helping.

 

The problem is compounded lately with lack of moderation GEL. I have recently alerted mods to blatant insults & rudeness and the posts remain. While at the same time I've had my post removed for no rudeness but simply being off topic. At least that's my guess because I never received a notification to explain the removal.

 

 

If people cannot do that, they should stay off the thread.

 

I wish. It will never happen though unfortunately.

 

GEL

 

(10 chars)

[Ms. Red]

Gel, shall we rename this section of lS to " bash the ow/om "? It coiuld be am extension to the infidelity board, you know where BS can come and get their anger out... Just a thought. I went on to NID thread of why would the ow... and I stopped reading after the first page, nothing but BS, I think I am also getting to the point where this site has become useless...

 

Same, I quit reading that thread. I don't think I will renew my membership. I'm not getting much positive results from reading LS anymore.

 

This will probably be deleted since it's totally off-topic. But the other garbage will remain.

[lkjh]

Well, I can't seem to figure out how to delete my membership, so maybe I can get myself banned.

 

You have no clue what you are talking about...you clearly have a chip on your shoulder...daddy didn't watch porn....daddy is ****ing addicted...and has phone sex, and wants to prostitute his wife out. **** you. You can stick your ****ty attitude up your ass, and if your bitter about your life b/c your man or woman did you wrong, it was probably b/c you were a crazy ass bitch. Have fun.

 

That should get me off the membership list.

 

Actually I have never been cheated on but clearly I am the crazy one. Your post are about one thing.....you. I like how you don't answer any questions about what you have done to improve your marriage or anything about the example you are setting for your kids. All you want is sympathy and people to agree with you. When this gets out(and it will) you are going to be singing a different tune. Sorry but you cheating with a married man is far worst then your H watching porn. I like how by your calculation your H having phone sex is wrong but you having sex with a married man is ok.

 

Post like yours are why some men no longer think marriage is worth.

[lkjh]

Gel, shall we rename this section of lS to " bash the ow/om "? It coiuld be am extension to the infidelity board, you know where BS can come and get their anger out... Just a thought. I went on to NID thread of why would the ow... and I stopped reading after the first page, nothing but BS, I think I am also getting to the point where this site has become useless...

 

your right we should all close our eyes and say good luck and we are happy for you. In reality these situations cause a lot of harm especially when kids are involved. Behavior like this should not be supported, it should be condemned. Society is falling apart because we are loosing our moral fiber. I'm not saying we should round up all cheaters and put them in concentration camps but we definitely should recognize how horrible and selfish cheating is.

[Lyssa]

your right we should all close our eyes and say good luck and we are happy for you.

 

Do you have a problem comprehending what was written by GEL and Mino?

 

We did not ask for anyone to wish the OW luck. If you read around here (I guess you don't really read around here, but just to post your ignorant, rude comments), you will see some of the BS or those who are not even in an A that support (by giving respectful advice) OW.

[lkjh]

Do you have a problem comprehending what was written by GEL and Mino?

 

We did not ask for anyone to wish the OW luck. If you read around here (I guess you don't really read around here, but just to post your ignorant, rude comments), you will see some of the BS or those who are not even in an A that support (by giving respectful advice) OW.

 

If you are going to quote my post then quote the entire part. Don't just cut out parts to make it seem like I made things up. My last post was about the reality of the situation and how much harm it's going to cause.

 

My post focus on the reality of the what happening. I know you would like my post if it "supported" the op. Everything I said is a fact. I pointed out how nasty the situation is and you would rather focus on the hypothetical happy ending that will never happen if the OP can not come to turns with how wrong her actions are.

 

I gave advice, it's just not what you want to hear. My advice focused on everyone(kids, H, OMW, OM kids), not just the op. You want me to say good job and I hope everything works out for the best. In real life things dont just work out, you have to work at it.

[Lyssa]

Oh sorry.. yeah, better not quote you the next time.

 

I like a lot of comments from BS/Non-OW etc such as NID, WWIU, Fooled Once - very insightful. I can't say the same about yours.

[lkjh]

Oh sorry.. yeah, better not quote you the next time.

 

I like a lot of comments from BS/Non-OW etc such as NID, WWIU, Fooled Once - very insightful. I can't say the same about yours.

 

Im hurt, I guess I will stop because you don't like them

[In_Repair]

GEL, and the others who were riled up by my post, I wasn't disagreeing with you about the rude and hurtful posts that were coming her way, I was merely trying to explain why some OW/OM might not feel compelled to show support for her in this situation. I have no hatred towards the OP, and I can understand how these things happen. She is in deep denial and the affair fog is so thick that she can't see two feet in front of her face right now. This terrible porn "addiction" of her husbands... what do you want to bet that at this point half of it is all in her mind and she is doing a little bit of revisionist history regarding her marriage? She needs to clear her head before making any life changing decisions.

 

Mino, my OW emotionally detached from her husband long ago over some stuff that I am not repeating here. She did not tell me about this stuff in an attempt to make her husband look bad. I already knew about it because I, and my ex, had known her for years before we became lovers. She knows the affair is wrong and she knows that it is on her shoulders. He sucks as a husband, sure, but he has always been that way and she has always known it. She has real reasons why she would be justified to walk out on him... but our affair... well, she is just being a cake-eater I guess. What else can I say?