moo Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 To make yourself and others feel better, post a joke here. Please, no racial jokes or religious put downs. You can make fun of your ex, or leave your ex out of your jokes. Here we go: My former boss is so stupid, she thought a magic trick was a prostitute who played basketball.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Thomas X Forever Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks I liked yours too I have a bunch of friendly ones that won't offend anyone. So I'll post as long as anyone wants them. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Author moo Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 yes I need some jokes. Please, post, post, post.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 1). Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. 2). My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. 3). A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?" 4). After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." 5). China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
TaraMaiden Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 (More lawyer jokes) A man on his deathbed requests the presence of the 3 most important/influential people in his life: his Doctor, his Priest and his lawyer. he gives then all an envelope each, containing $150,000 in cash, instructing them all to throw the cash on his coffin, to prevent his family getting their hands on it, greedy rotten leeches that they are! Come the day of the funeral, the Doctor takes a wad of cash out of his top pocket, and throws it into the grave. "Actually", he admits, "There's only $100,000 there.... He had a few high medical bills that needed settling...I'm sure he would have wanted to pay them....." The Priest takes a wad of notes from a pocket in his cassock, and throws it into the grave. "Actually," he admits, "There's only $75,000 there. The church is in need of some restorative work...I'm sure he would have approved of such a charitable gesture." The Lawyer turns to them both, severely. "You know, I could sue you both for Breach of Contract on behalf of his estate. You clearly went against his final wishes, and that's obtaining funds by deception. You could go to jail for that, you know. ....." ......."At least I had the good grace to throw in a cheque for the full amount....."
Art_Critic Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, 'Hello. My name is Carmen.' 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What's your name?' He answered 'B.J. Titsengolf'
Giha Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, 'Hello. My name is Carmen.' 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied. 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What's your name?' He answered 'B.J. Titsengolf' Haha, good one Keep posting, this thread really boosts my mood
Author moo Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 My roommate is absolutley obessed with passing gas. I asked him to turn the TV on, so we could hear the weather. He said the wind was going to break tonight. I wasn't sure what that meant. I asked him which way the wind was going to blow... he said, "If I have beans tonight, it will be a mighty gale and blow north west. If I have cheese tonight, it will be just a calm wind and blow south." The next thing I know, I was overcome by such a force, and got knocked out. I woke up in the hospital 4 hours later and asked the doc, who did this to me?" The doc said "Campbell's Barbecued Beans."
Girlygal Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 As the story goes all tragedies occour in threes. Typically being the old, the sick and the unexpected. Recently this occourred. Ed McMan, Farrah, and MJ. Leave it the Billy to throw the 4th one in for free. God Bless them all and their families!
Author moo Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I told the town drunk I was looking for a place to "wet my whistle," so he picked up a bucket of water and threw it in my face. My sister came to visit me and she told me she wanted to sleep in a clean place...one that would emit cleanliness, so I gave her a blanket and told her to go sleep in the bathtub.
Author moo Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 My sister who lives in California was coming for dinner and I asked her what she wanted to eat. She said "Testosteroni, it's the San Francisco treat!"
Author moo Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Doesn't anyone else here no any jokes? Let's pull each other up with laughter!
Author moo Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 When life gets you down. When the decisions you make aren't smart. Don't fret. Don't think of what might have been. Just bend right over and fart.
utterer of lies Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Some evil twisted sick jokes...if you're easily offended, scroll over and don't read them. Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? - Because if you drag them by the feet, they fill up with dirt. Why did God create yeast infections? - So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. Thomas goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in with a mean looking dude named Boogie. Boogie says to Thomas "What do you want to be, the mommy or the daddy?" Thomas figuring he doesn't have much choice and naturally says "the daddy", to which Boogie replies "Well, come over here and suck mommy's dick".
mickleb Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here." 1). Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. 2). My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. 3). A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?" 4). After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." 5). China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. OMG TXF! You made me laugh out loud! LOVE the psychiatrist gag - I'm telling that one to my mates tonight! I like this one. Not the funniest joke in the world but it's cute: What did the nought say to the eight? Nice belt. *Cymbals clash*
Author moo Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 When life gets you down When the decisions you make aren't smart Don't fret; Don't think of what might have been Just bend right over and fart.
Notsogood Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Abit un-PC but still funny: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She's already been told twice.
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