SweetyBear Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I have really, really tried to just let this all go. First, let me say I am the dumper. I know some of you on here have no patience or sympathy for those of us who have walked away and not worked things out, so please don't get on me about that if you choose to respond. I realized my mistake days after having made it and have paid for it for the past three months. Anyway, I've been trying to take responsibility and also most of the blame for the entire thing. I had my reasons for breaking up, but realized when I couldn't take it back that they were things that I should have worked with my ex to resolve and breaking up was just plain wrong. I have been in therapy and understand my reasons much better now. Not that it's an excuse, but I really was confused and I really didn't know how to be a real partner in the relationship. My ex tells me that he loves me and wants to work things out, but it has been three months and I honestly don't see how that's going to happen when everytime we are supposed to meet up, there is always some hinderance on his part. We are supposed to meet this week. He told me last week that he would meet up with me so we could have this conversation this week. I haven't heard from him yet about exactly when. Let me also say that this is the sixth time we have made plans to meet up. In fact, when we were talking last week, I said is it realistic for you to say next week? because I did not want to get my hopes up just to be devastated again. So, this morning is Wednesday and he should be off of work today and tomorrow. I texted him and said, "I'm in a conundrum. I don't want to push you even further away, but I also want you to know I'm willing to make whatever effort you need me to. What should I do?" I'm hoping he responds with a clear answer and a definite plan on when we're going to meet. I don't know what to do and I want him to tell me. I know what I did was wrong. I've been very clear about that to him and about the fact that I want him back and to work things out. I've at different times begged, pleaded, been angry, been disillusioned, been resolved to just move on, but mostly I'm just so sad and ticked at myself for initiating what has been the worst three months of my life. I am totally at a loss and just want him to tell me what is necessary. Is that asking too much of a dumpee? Is three months a short time or a long time? To me, it has been long, but I'd be willing to wait it out even longer if that's what he needs.
chslt77 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It is almost scary on how our stories our similar. Except, it has only been a week for me. I'm trying not to speak with her and give her space but I'm sure you have the same feeling, its like your giving up by not talking. You'll think they forget about you. But I am almost certain they don't. Maybe it's wishful thinking but the same things that remind me of her I hope remind her of me, and make her miss me. Anyways, all I'm trying to do is stay away but then still be there. Kind of try to do things to let her know I care and that I am willing and dedicated to make this work. Keep me updated on what he says to your question about being in a conundrum, that you don't want to push him farther away, you just want to know what you need to do. I wish you the best of luck and if I do something that works I'll be sure to let you know.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I will let you know. No response thus far. The thing is, he may not know himself what is necessary for him to heal from his hurt and move forward with me. Or, there could be nothing that either of us can do to make it better now. It just all really sucks. When I'm at my worst, I just sob over the fact that I hurt him so much there might not be a road back.
BCCA Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I think for the time being, you should consider the roles reversed, and think of yourself as the dumpee. Everyone makes mistakes, and if things were really meant to be, I dont think a 3 month hiatus should completely ruin it. It sounds more to me like he was either wanting to break up as well, or since the split has found himself some new lady friends that he isnt ready to give up. Could be other reasons, like he's just pissed, but this sounds like something more. What I recomend doing is not leaving everything up to him. He has all the power right now, and he's using it against you. I'm sure he was hurt, and yes - you do need to eat a little crow for what you did, but I think enough is enough. Youre trying to meet up with him, clearly to work things out, and youve even seen a doctore, but he just keeps blowing you off. Once, maybe you let it go. Twice, kind of annoying. SIX times? He's just f***ing with you. He doesnt sound like he wants the same thing right now, so here is what you do. The next time you talk to him, or you can text/email him, just say youre willing to do what it takes to make this work, but feel like hes not interested right now, and dont want to push. If he is ever ready to talk to you about your relationship, he knows where to find you, but for now, it seems obvious the best thing to do is leave it alone. You dont want to keep getting stood up, and he doesnt seem like he is returning the same level of interest. He'll either call you when he's ready, or he wont. If I was you, I would just assume that he wont, and try and move on. I know how bad it sucks, I really do. Ive been broken up for a year, and it still stings...bad. But you dont have much of a choice, it is what it is.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Last night I laid everything out to him via text. A terrible way to have to do it, but he wasn't picking up. I was up all night. Literally, I did not sleep at all and am here at work trying to function as best I can. He did not respond to me at all. I told him how bad I was hurting and how I can't go through another time being stood up with no explanation. I told him if I'm misinterpreting his indifference and lack of interest to let me know but that to me there is no other way to interpret his actions. I told him I love him and that he knows how to get in touch with me if he wants to. This is so hard and I feel like a big baby about it, but I was hoping in my heart of hearts that he would follow through this time. I know I've been deluding myself about him and taking all the blame when only some of it is fair for me to shoulder. I've made a lot of allowances for his behavior based on how I was wrong and was willing to accept responsibility. Bottom line is he doesn't care and I will never know what's going on inside of him because he won't share it with me. This is really difficult.
metro Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm sorry things aren't working out..usually going through this type of frustration with someone who's sending mixed messages will eventually wear you out. When my ex decided she wanted to break up..after I moved out I made it a clean break & practiced NC & LC & in 2.5 months after moving out. I feel alot stronger..thanks in part to NC & LC & the desire to want to move on past this. I still love & miss my ex but I guess all you really miss is the good times which are now in the past. If a person changes up on you then the good times are over. I really believe there is more going on with your ex than you care to know (Of course I can't 100% sure) but the way he has treated you after you have completely swallowed your pride (which is what you should do in your case) but you should be appreciated & treasured back if my ex who dumped me acted the way you did in the time frame you did. I would've came back because I really loved her (but she didn't so that doesn't matter) but your ex is stringing you along which most of the advice on this site tries to help all of us prevent from being strung along. A person who strings someone else along has no respect for that person..that's the bottom line. Your original instincts was to end this relationship & the way he has treated you shows you made the right decision anyway..you are just missing the good ol days but you realized the good ol days were over when you wanted to end the relationship. I suggest you forgive yourself & leave him to be..you already let him know that you wanted to work it out so it's all on him & in the meantime you can work on moving on & forget about all expectations from him so you won't be dissapointed. You sound like such a sweet person but there sounds like something extra is going on with him at this moment & he is just available to you the way you want him to be so it's best to let him go.
BCCA Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 SweetyBear, You did everything you could, he obviously isnt the right one. I know how hard it is to keep from blaming yourself for everything, but its really not all your fault. What more can you do? You said your piece, you admitted your faults, and he wont even respond. Time to move on, as hard as that sounds.
Author SweetyBear Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 I've been so against just giving up, but I realized this weekend it's exactly what I need to do. Not for anybody else but for me. I thought back to all the nights and days that I've spent as a miserable mess with nothing but maybe a half-hearted effort from my ex here and there. I realize now that those half-hearted efforts were just to make me feel a bit better. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't care about me except as he would anyone else. He probably doesn't want to know I'm suffering, but he doesn't really want to be back with me either. It's been three months and with only little glimmers of hope now and then. I can't do it anymore. I know he doesn't love me anymore and maybe he never really loved me the way he said he did. I am done. I will not be a "bother" to someone. I am a person with a lot to offer, so why am I wasting my time and energy on someone who clearly doesn't want it?
001bh Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Hey what can I say, you burned him once, how can he know you won't burn him again. That's why you're being stood up. ( I would say he's being harsh, I'm in the same situation, only I was dumped.) You're doing the right thing so far but everyone's different. My advice, decided now how much you want him. If you really want to rekindle, go seek him out physically, stop with the texting. Show up and then tell him how you feel.
Recommended Posts