WhyYesThankYou Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 As predicted ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t193757/ ), my ex showed up at my door tonight. His phone call, text, and email failed to get a response out of me, so he showed up in person. Him: <knock knock knock> Me: (through closed door) Who is it? Him: It's ________. Me: Go away, please. And then I walked away from the door, turned up the television, and returned to my computer where I was chatting with someone about the nice guy I met this weekend who wants to see me again. yay for progress!!! I feel a little bit rude. It's not "nice" to refuse to talk to someone, not even to open your door to them. But those polite manners instilled in me as a child are going to have to take a back-seat to self-preservation. There's not one shred of evidence to support the theory that anything positive (for me) would have come out of opening that door. And he's had more than his fair share of positivity from our interactions. It was time to send him out into the world to find someone else to worship him, and I'm not a complete bitch... right? I'm actually a generally nice person who had a relationship end and is just trying to move on in a constructive way... aren't I?
Island Girl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 YAY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally!!!!!!!! And no, you aren't a complete bitch. That would be me my dear! You are just trying to put an end to all of this unhealthy communication. The relationship ended. He has listed plenty of "reasons" why it didn't work and why it won't work. Look at it this way -- you are just accepting the fact that he is so right! The two of you are fundamentally incompatible since you're human and he is some variation of pond scum. So you are just embracing the inevitable and releasing him to find someone of his own kind. And you have already found your new someone (ANOTHER YAY!). It wouldn't be fair to Mr. New to keep in contact with Mr. Pond Scum now would it?
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 The two of you are fundamentally incompatible since you're human and he is some variation of pond scum. Hahaha - thanks. I don't think he's "pond scum," exactly. If I thought that, things would be much easier for me because I wouldn't feel "mean" about ignoring him. I think he's afflicted with the chronic condition of humanity that we on LS are suffering from as well. It's just that his symptoms seem to be more outwardly directed, and I'm tired of his psychological sneezes covering me with his phlegm. So I'm going to stay inside, wash my hands often, and hang out with someone who seems to have fewer contagious symptoms (Mr New). Thanks for reaffirming that that's okay. (And I don't think you're a complete bitch. A complete bitch couldn't write such nice posts.)
Road To Joy Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Him: <knock knock knock> Me: (through closed door) Who is it? Him: It's ________. Me: Go away, please. You weren't rude. You said please!
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You weren't rude. You said please! Haha, yes, I used the "magic word." I'm not sure why it even matters to me whether I was rude or polite to him or how he feels. I guess it's not being sure whether, in looking after myself, I'm hurting other people. Yes, he was a jerk in some ways. Yes, he's showed up at my house unannounced, uninvited, and unwanted after he told me to stay away from HIM until I "fix myself." But he's still a person, and I don't like being so... cold. [slaps self] Snap out of it, girl. Many times you've opened that door to him, comforted him, him him him him him and where has it ever gotten you??? Exactly. Keep your door shut and your heart intact.
Island Girl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 (And I don't think you're a complete bitch. A complete bitch couldn't write such nice posts.) Awww thank you.
gd26 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm a bit speechless right now really. I made the mistake of peeking through your history to see what your relationship breakup was about. I felt that by checking it, I could offer you some constructive advice about your situation - as I like my posts to be helpful. If you were in a situation where your ex treated you terribly, broke up with you, and you were now avoiding him in this manner - I would be quite proud of you for staying strong in this way. In fact, this is what I assumed the situation to be. But I was so dismayed that I don't even know what to say anymore. But looking at your original posts, I see that YOU were the one who broke up with him because he wanted to be exclusive and you didn't. His desire to be exclusive is what you call incompatibility? Many of us would feel so lucky to have a significant other who cares enough to be exclusive. From what you've written, he seemed awfully sweet and considerate of you. Yet you have just shut him out completely. That's so not nice at all. What did he do to you to deserve to be treated like that? All the people here who are cheering you on.... I seriously doubt they'd be offering you the same support if they actually read your background. You are very cold-hearted and did not treat this man well at all. First you break up with him, and then weeks later start ego-tripping on why he doesn't care enough to contact you? What's up with that? You call him selfish, but that's the behavior that you are displaying to him. Seriously girl, get a heart. Find your humanity. Treating other human beings like dirt (especially human beings you shared a special connection with at one point) and then asking people here to cheer you on doing so.... not cool at all. I hope the poor guy finds someone special who will love him back so much more. Even though I feel bad for him, maybe indirectly your shutting him out will end up being a good thing, as he'll realize quickly how unkind you were to him and hopefully move on faster to someone more loving.
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I made the mistake of peeking through your history to see what your relationship breakup was about. I felt that by checking it, I could offer you some constructive advice about your situation - as I like my posts to be helpful. Hi, Thanks for tracking down and reading through the history; I appreciate it. And I realise it might seem like I'm duping people into supporting me. What happened, as you read, was that we wanted incompatible things, and so I ended the relationship. And he wrote me some emails and asked me some questions, and I replied to them politely because I know what it's like to be on the other end of things and not have those answers. So I was polite and firm - like, "This is my reasoning. I know we both tried, but it didn't work, and it's over." I answered his questions and made it clear that there wasn't a chance to try again. After that, it was quiet for a little while, then he started contacting me again. It got more and more provocative; he asked for a necklace back. He would show up without being invited and come into my house, which is something I never allowed even when we were dating. (You don't just barge into someone's house.) It became very unsettling, and seemed unfair since I had really tried to be as polite and forthcoming as possible during the breakup. Finally, I snapped, and he got me really emotional one day. It's not like I hated him and didn't want to be with him any more. I liked him very much, but you can't have a relationship when one person wants to be exclusive and the other doesn't. I had just tried to put an end to what was a bad situation for each of us. And then I was the one reduced to tears and making a fool of myself. And then HE turned it around and sent me this flood of emails about how I was crazy and how I should stay away from him until I "fix" myself. That I'm not the sort of person he wants to be around. That he doesn't want to know me. He didn't know I could be so cruel. Really horrible, hurtful emails... and it felt like he had just been baiting me into having that sort of emotional response so he could say all those things to me. Then he disappeared for several months, while leaving a social and electronic trail a mile wide showing all the girls he'd been hooking up with... This after he'd said in our relationship that he thought it was "respectful" after a break-up for people not to get with other people too quickly... so the hypocrisy or the inconsistency stung a bit, especially considering the sorts of girls he was with. So it felt like he broke up with me. Yes, I ended the relationship. But, after I had tried to be so nice and constructive about it, it felt like he tricked me into coming back just so he could attack me like that. And he told me to stay away, which I never said to him. Never. It was after he told me to stay away that I did. I didn't call him, email him, visit him... But he's started doing that to me, which has been incredibly unsettling. And seems strange since he told me to stay away from him. Do you see where I'm coming from? Yes, I broke up with him. But in a sense, it feels like he broke up with me - in a more cruel, jagged manner. I don't think I wrote that part of the story on LS. It hurt too much. And I don't think he wants me back now; I suspect he just wants the attention. He's probably surprised that I *did* stay away when he told me to. It's not that I don't care about him; I do. That's why I stayed away when he said. That and the issue of the incompatible wishes is still there. He is a narcissist. I seem to have a thing for them. I'm trying to sort that out in myself. So his telling me to "fix" myself helped me to take action I probably needed to. I don't have any resources with which to talk to him right now. There's nothing I can give him, no wisdom, no love, nothing. I feel like crap after what happened between us. I'm trying to sort stuff out so I don't have those sorts of problems with anyone else. I'm sure he'd be great with someone else, and yes, I wish he'd go out and find that other person instead of coming around here. It probably seems heartless to you that I get on here and want kudos for not answering the door. But I can't write incredibly long stories like this all the time. Those snippets I type are trying to get what I need at the time, just someone to say, "Yes, you're okay." Because I realise that if I were a better person, if I had all my **** sorted out, I'd be able to answer the door and make his life better. But I don't and I can't. If I do someday, I'll gladly open the door and try to make him happy. So... thanks for reading my history. There are two sides to every story. I don't ask you to take mine, but hopefully now you've at least read it.
Island Girl Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Many of us would feel so lucky to have a significant other who cares enough to be exclusive. So just because a person wants to be exclusive the answer should automatically be yes? There should always be parameters that a person must meet and live up to to not only be exclusive but also maintain exclusivity. He didn't meet her parameters. So the answer - as it should be - was and is NO. From what you've written, he seemed awfully sweet and considerate of you. I beg to differ. After researching a few posts I see him addressing issues only by making everything her fault. This is not the mark of a healthy relationship or a healthy individual who can participate in a healthy relationship. One post even told of him coming to her house and walking right in as if he lived there. This speaks of someone who doesn't think life's rules and normal courtesies don't apply to him. WhyYesThankYou -- I read your response this morning. I wish you didn't feel as though you had to defend your position in not pursuing a relationship with this man. But you were very gracious in your reply as you are in all of the posts I have read here on LS. Sometimes there is no apparent reason why someone wants to end a relationship with another person. In your case it is more than apparent. CHEERS!
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 This is not the mark of a healthy relationship or a healthy individual who can participate in a healthy relationship. Exactly. It wasn't healthy for either of us. We both had issues, and each of our issues were just triggering stuff in the other person. It was one of those things that could potentially have been mutually healing as we worked stuff out ... or it could have just turned into a godawful spiral of horror, which is what was happening. So I ended it. If I thought he were able to engage with me "healthily," to open the door and come inside and not just talk at me, attack me, but also listen to me and help me with what I need, then I would open the door. But I have no reason to believe he's suddenly able to do that. And I don't want to expose myself to whatever vitriol he wants to spew at me, knowing that afterward he'll feel better while I'll feel worse. Again, if I had my stuff together and could help him out, I would. I don't. He'd be better off talking to a friend or a counselor or someone who can actually be there to support him. WhyYesThankYou -- I read your response this morning. I wish you didn't feel as though you had to defend your position in not pursuing a relationship with this man. But you were very gracious in your reply as you are in all of the posts I have read here on LS. Thank you. I try.
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