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Don't think I want to have children


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Posted

stillafool, sorry, the emoticon made me think you thought it was a bad thing. My mistake. :)

 

Not having any kids is a perfectly valid choice, but I personally find it hard to justify it in non-selfish terms.

 

Hows this for a non-selfish reason?

 

I have a syndrome/disorder/thing that makes my life more then a tiny bit painful a large majority of the time. It's genetic. The biggest reason why I've made the choice to not procreate is because of that.

Posted

I forgot to mention:

 

that's not even counting people who decide not to have children because they know they couldn't raise them properly or give them what they need. I think it'd be selfish to have children when you know you can't raise them or afford to raise them.

 

Then there are people who have a family history of problems that could be passed on through genes, like severe mental illnesses or other illnesses and disorders. People with incurable diseases like HIV/AIDS which would be passed along to the infant or people who are drug addicts or alcoholics wouldn't be selfish if they decided not to have children.

Posted

Jesus, what a silly thing to argue about (and I'm usually up for arguing about most anything).

 

Have kids if you want 'em, don't if you don't want 'em.

 

:rolleyes:

Posted
That goes both ways: "You're probably making a huge mistake by having children [...]. Once you figure out you've made a mistake, it'll be too late to fix it."

 

I totally agree and everyone is entitled to their own choice. The problem is, it's usually a mistake not to have children. When you're young, it's just hard to see that.

Posted
since I have a normal job/calling, I want part of my legacy to be raising a decent human being and a productive member of society to hopefully make it better.

 

Same here.

 

I am expecting our first child in a months time. Still have moments of pure terror....

 

I also know parents who do sometimes think "WTF were we thinking having kids??" when they are having a bad day. Doesn't make them bad parents, it makes them human!

 

There are already too many people on the planet, and producing your own children just for the sake of passing on your genetic material is selfish if it means creating people who are going to use up even more of the already limited resources we have left. Having children would mean you're contributing to pollution and depletion of resources.

 

You could also argue that there are already millions of unwanted children in orphanages or up for adoption. Those children don't have homes or parents/families who want them. So having your own children to pass on your own genes when there are plenty of children who are already living and have no one is arguably selfish.

 

Well thats pretty harsh. Its arguments like that that gets people who have or are planning to have childrens backs up.

 

Sure, there are lots of unwanted children in the world and it breaks my heart. But I shouldn't be discouraged from having my own child as a result of that.

 

For my H and I, it was much easier to have our own child (I fell pregnant within a week of starting to try) than jump through the hundreds of hoops that are in the way of adopting an underprivileged child.

Its not as easy as Madonna makes it look.

 

Being pregnant is no picnic, and sometimes I think it would be fantastic if a little bundle arrived from the stork ready to go, but alas, I stopped believing in the stork some time ago.

Posted
Jesus, what a silly thing to argue about (and I'm usually up for arguing about most anything).

 

Have kids if you want 'em, don't if you don't want 'em.

 

:rolleyes:

 

I agree GT.

 

The "uber defensive clutching at straws think of the planet" method of argument isn't going to dissuade anyone who wants children from having them, and most of the people on this thread who don't want them have decided so for more personal reasons, which is their prerogative and I respect them for that.

Posted
Yeah, tell that to all the old people who sit in nursing homes waiting for their kids to some day come by and visit them. I see it every week when I visit my aunt and it's sad.

 

A lot of people in homes either don't have family or can't be taken care of in a home environment. For all the others, then I would guess that they raised some incredibly ungrateful and selfish brats. But, you'll notice those old people aren't living with their friends, either, are they? I guess I should've added the obvious - raise your kids with morals and vaules so that they're not so self-involved that they don't even care to take care of their parents.

Posted
I hope I am wrong but to me that sounds like you think people should have children so that they will look after them when they are old. Seems rather selfish to me.

 

No, that would be ridiculous. Family is very, very important. Don't ever underestimate the importance of it in your life.

Posted
Not having any kids is a perfectly valid choice, but I personally find it hard to justify it in non-selfish terms. In my mind, it would be justified if I was doing something with my life that was at the same time so significant (in servivce of others, for example) and so demanding so that it would preclude me from being able to raise a normal family. Conversely, not having kids just so I could have more free time and money to play is not really something I would wish to be remembered by and certainly wouldn't expected to be respected for.

 

My point being is that for me the decision rule boils down to what kind of legacy I want to leave. If I was mother teresa, fighting terrorists in afganistan, etc. etc. etc. I probably would not want to have kids. But, since I have a normal job/calling, I want part of my legacy to be raising a decent human being and a productive member of society to hopefully make it better.

 

1) Define Selfish

 

2) Define self interest-Are they the same?

 

3) Is being selfish (in the terms of having kids or not) a bad thing? \

 

4) Find one thing about having kids that isn't selfish.

Posted
Well thats pretty harsh. Its arguments like that that gets people who have or are planning to have childrens backs up.

 

I want to have my own children. I'm just presenting a counterargument to the argument that it's selfish to decide to not have children.

 

I think it's kind of stupid to argue about selfishness and having children since you can justify any action as being selfish in some way. It's selfish to have children. It's selfish to not have children.

 

Sure, there are lots of unwanted children in the world and it breaks my heart. But I shouldn't be discouraged from having my own child as a result of that.

 

I agree. It's your decision, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your own children.

Posted
Not having any kids is a perfectly valid choice, but I personally find it hard to justify it in non-selfish terms. /QUOTE]

 

I don't understand what selfishness has to do with anything. In a way, there are just as many selfish reasons that people have kids. Most people do it to carry on their name, to have a part of them to go on after them, etc. That's just a tad egotistical, isn't it?

 

I was 32 when I had my son because I waffled for so long about having kids. I'm so glad that I had him and now wish I had a couple more. It's hard to explain why children are such a blessing - they just are.

 

My only word for it is 'family'. There's nothing like being surrounded by my friends and family - and then my son walks in. He is someone I have nurtured and known from the very beginning of his life. I am one of the few people he has known on that level. I know there is nothing in this world that would tear us apart. Friends come and go. Children and family (typically) do not. They're the stability in your life. Maybe that's a better explanation. I don't know. I would lay down my life for my son. He is the light of my life, although I don't life through him, or for him. It's the intangible connection that you'll never know if you don't have children. But, if you never know, then maybe it's not a big deal. Again, it's probably not for everyone. For those of us who love our kids and have a good relationship with them, we know what you're missing and it's huge.

Posted
I want to have my own children. I'm just presenting a counterargument to the argument that it's selfish to decide to not have children.

 

I think it's kind of stupid to argue about selfishness and having children since you can justify any action as being selfish in some way. It's selfish to have children. It's selfish to not have children.

 

 

 

I agree. It's your decision, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your own children.

 

I agree. Good response. Personally, I have no problem either way. I just like to play devil's advocate. :)

 

But it's when people who say it's selfish to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, I just kind of laugh compared to having them, well, I just have to laugh.

 

And why is it bad to be selfish?

Posted
I want to have my own children. I'm just presenting a counterargument to the argument that it's selfish to decide to not have children.

 

I agree. It's your decision, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting your own children.

 

OK, kinda got the opposite idea there for a second.

 

At risk of sounding like a whining over emotional pregnant woman, right now I feel anything BUT selfish.

 

My body has been invaded by a very active little being whose main activity times are from the hours of 1am-6am, therefore I am already sleep deprived.

Not to mention the difficulties of finding a comfortable way to sleep when you are the shape of an easter egg. I can't even put on my shoes properly.

 

I have revolting looking stretchmarks on my humungous belly, more cellulite than you can shake a stick at, heartburn that is often painful, a very sore pelvis and hip joints AND an eye infection- and thats just the physical stuff!

 

I am also tearful, tired, emotional, forgetful, often irrational and find it hard to concentrate.

 

This parenting lark better be worth it!

Posted

It isn't bad to be selfish.

 

I had 31 blissful years of selfishness before all this started, and it was great.

Posted
This parenting lark better be worth it!

 

It is. Well, at least until they become teenagers.

Posted

I may hand over sole parenting responsibility to my husband at that point.

He is a high school teacher after all, and deals with teenagers on a daily basis.

 

I will relegate myself to the role of "fun aunt".... :D

Posted
It is. Well, at least until they become teenagers.

 

I adore my teen son. He's a jewel. Maybe I'm just lucky.

Posted
I adore my teen son. He's a jewel. Maybe I'm just lucky.

 

Mine haven't been in jail, unlike their dad at that age, so I guess I have that going for me.

 

But how do you deal with a beautiful, smart, talented, big-hearted 13 year-old-girl who has, of all things, self-esteem problems?

Posted

Regardless of which side of the parental equation you are, be it yes or no, it's still a self-centered action. So let live.

 

People who want children, as long as they can afford to feed, cloth and shelter them, giving them the boundary-based safe harbour and love they need to excel, should have them.

 

People who don't want them, don't have them and you're still supporting society through taxes paid and if you're philanthropic in any way, you'll support others through charitable contributions and good deeds.

Posted
Mine haven't been in jail, unlike their dad at that age, so I guess I have that going for me.

 

But how do you deal with a beautiful, smart, talented, big-hearted 13 year-old-girl who has, of all things, self-esteem problems?

 

Lol GT.

 

I don't know re: your daughter. It must be so tough for young girls these days who are bombarded with advertising and celebrity drivel from such a young age.

 

I had self esteem issues that started around 18 and didn't really go away again until I was about 28.

 

I do remember doing things like drama camp and that kind of stuff as a teenager which was great for confidence and self esteem and a feeling of belonging to a group.

Posted
Lol GT.

 

I don't know re: your daughter. It must be so tough for young girls these days who are bombarded with advertising and celebrity drivel from such a young age.

 

I had self esteem issues that started around 18 and didn't really go away again until I was about 28.

 

I do remember doing things like drama camp and that kind of stuff as a teenager which was great for confidence and self esteem and a feeling of belonging to a group.

 

It may be more serious than that. I started a thread in the Parenting section ("Cutting"). Any input would be highly welcome.

Posted
It may be more serious than that. I started a thread in the Parenting section ("Cutting"). Any input would be highly welcome.

 

I'll go read your post. I agree with the other person's comment. Also, I'm not much on religion but I'm a big believer in what churches can offer children in terms of community support and friendship. If you're not already, getting involved with a church might help your daughter. It sounds like she's lost her perspective.

Posted
It may be more serious than that. I started a thread in the Parenting section ("Cutting"). Any input would be highly welcome.

 

Oh, I read it- and you are right, it is more serious. Sorry GT.

Posted
People have strong opinions about it because they know that in the end, family is pretty much all that matters. Your family are the ones you'll end up with and they're the ones who will always take care of you and be there for you. You're probably making a huge mistake by not having children, but if you already have a big extended family, you'll probably be fine. Once you figure out you've made a mistake, it'll be too late to fix it.

 

Strange really, I'm undecided about children but the more I hear these types of "strong opinions" about having them the more inclined I become to not have them.

Posted
4) Find one thing about having kids that isn't selfish.

 

That's the thing that puts me off. While I recognise the unselfishness that's necessary to raise kids, the fact that many parents believe blindly that their motivation for having them is some kind of legacy, saviour to the world, or presents some kind of importance from almost a religious perspective , freaks me the hell out. I mean, I'm not even saying it's selfish to have them, I just wish people would simply state that they had them because they felt it was an important thing for THEM to do, rather than something that's important for everyone to do. It really discourages me to know that I'd be bringing up kids around the spawn of this sort of delusion.

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