I wrote a Letter to My Love (a very nasty letter; and H replied)

[nothingissacred]

Hi Athena,

 

So much of your situation rings with mine. The emails between you and your H sound *just* like my interactions with my H! He says, writes, does (and doesn't do) the same exact things! And like you I've tried the understanding tactic. I've tried the "you're an uncaring azz" tactic....and I wind up in the same place over and over. I too have that tiny bit of hope that has been keeping me in turmoil.

 

Reggie, Athena mentioned you suggested some books...would you mind letting me know which ones? I do believe I have a narcissist on my hands. I wasn't sure at first, because he also says he hates himself...and I thought they loved themselves. I don't get that, but otherwise it's SPOT on. gaslighting, blameshifting, manipulation, you name it. it's there.

 

And finally, thought I'd share a recent email from my best friend. I had yet another rough day (after soooo many rough days) and really, my friends want me to see the light and be able to move on. to breathe. to live. I've been stuck for a long time and this email helped me a lot. I think it's relevent to your situation as well, as we've held on for so long, held on to the M, held onto the hope...and it really is hard to finally let go even when you know it's for the best.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i think of it this way...you've been set out to sea, not necessarily by your own choice. you've been through a terrible shipwreck. but you've survived, you're drifting along on a barrel. you know where the shipwreck is, and there might even be some of it left, floating around, but most of it's already at the bottom of the sea. ahead of you is the unknown, but you do know there's some land out there, and it's much closer than you think. you just can't see it and it scares you. so. do you paddle back to the wreckage and hope to be saved by...seagulls? or do you realize that there is nothing left back there for you--nothing good--and stay on the barrel? do you stay on the barrel and bob along until you grow weary or dehydrated or starve to death or get overturned in a storm? or do you suck it up, set your chin and your eyeline and start paddling toward the direction of where you know there used to be shore, and save yourself? imagine: when you reach shore, there'll be water, and food, and okay, vino, and family and friends and new adventures and possibilities, and yes, LOVE, and opportunity--all on your own terms--and there's life there. real life. sunrises, full-breathing, belly-laughing, achieving your own goals, hugs, the smell of fresh flowers, paint chips, warm socks, swaying trees, wind chimes, warm, gentle breezes and answering to no one, balls-out-full-on-life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take care of yourself Athena!!!

[ForumFool]

Lol well I could tell from your H's response that he felt that ring of truth in your letters on his hair gut and hahahaha age I loled sooo hard....You ought to get an award for that letter...My H when he was online and all...you could tell his age is killing him not only by his emails to the ladies but hehe is screen names...youngatheart things like that....You got your hubby where it hurts...Just please be careful of his being sneaky and somehow beating You to the punch in the D and maybe stop all contact so NOTHING can be used against you...I wish you all the luck and hope the lawyers are right..Your H is a real azz-hole..I pray you get rid of this creep

 

hugs

 

Hi ForumF, lol, it was done on purpose the comments about his 'belly' and his hair, because I know he is 'sensitive' to his looks -- apparently narcissists do NOT age gracefully!. He DOES go out to dinner and bars and parties with a whole bunch of twenty-something-year olds and their even younger g/f's!!! -- the girls are younger than his first born daughter!

 

Yes, I see he denies it in his email, but it's a technicality -- he claims he's not hanging out with anyone in that age group but two trainees... at work, right?... I am talking about soccer and pool... and private socializing.... he's told me in detail of these young couples (seemed proud of the youngsters accepting him, despite his age), but I thought I would bring in a touch of reality and contrast his and their age group. The AP's have been more than a decade younger than him (I am 5 years younger than him).... it's just ridiculous that he's leading a Single's lifestyle, all the while being a married man, with a track record of so many affairs, it would make most cheaters blush.

 

Yeah, agreed... why not file now? Except that the lawyer wants a $7,000.00 retainer, now!

I wouldn't expect H to 'fight' anything, since I would be completely reasonable and fair with H.

So, perhaps it won't have to 'go to court' to be 'fought' over and therefore we might not have to pay so much... but... we have to put that kind of money elsewhere right now, so it's not available now. I am sure it would be more available at the end of the year, in December... plus... that's when H is next home. He would have to 'be served' and I don't see that being easy while he is in Asia. So, all in all, it makes sense to leave it until he's next home in December. Who knows how the family vacation will go next month. I hope we don't get into a weird 'War of the Roses', or 'Kramer vrs Kramer' movie type nightmare.

[Athena]

and it was to the first posts you had and I just shook my head in disgust at typical male behaviour and lament the position you are in based on his job, country and what could be tenuous support.

 

He is a narcissist of the the first degree, but one many may actually find a part envying. A beautiful loving wife at home, good kids, an exciting career that allows him to earn huge dollars based solely on him being absent from his family. He leads two lives.

 

As much as he may miss you and the children, he has the life of Reilly..... Short periods where he is the doting husband and father, great sex at home, vacations with the family and a charmed life. All he has to do is have a supporting spouse at home and a pay check to send.

 

At work, he can be charming, work the hours that needs to be devoted to the job, heck even look like the most ambitious in the office by staying late probably writing emails to you (a very good writer that he is).

 

He can play, carouse, drink, golf, tennis, read, movies or do anything that excites him.

 

He claims he is reviled by his family and friends and I find it harder and harder to believe. If he was divorced and had a string of 13 girlfriends over the years would they hate him or just call him a cad? Would they know about it if you said nothing? No...... He leads his life as he sees fit.

 

TDP, you hit the nail on the head -- all your points -- very perceptive.

The two lives he has been leading have been fun, exciting, and all while maintaining respectability.

Unfortunately, now, at his age of 49, it's catching up with him. He may not be ready to resign -- his job, his marriage, or even his affairs... but how much longer can he get away with all three?

 

I do feel sorry for him. He's had ample opportunity to change, mend his ways, and live a life in accordance with the principles he says he believes in. In some ways, my H's life seems similar to another poster on these boards -- Notsure 7, even though NS7 lives at home... but, as you can tell from the inner turmoil NS7 is experiencing, one cannot ignore the wrongdoings forever.

[Athena]

"Typical male behavior". How incredibly sexist.

 

Reggie it may well be sexist, however, even my H's own brother said "Any man, including me, would love to live the life *your H* is living!"

[Athena]

@JJ, you are correct -- it's like you said.

[Athena]

Hi Athena,

 

So much of your situation rings with mine. The emails between you and your H sound *just* like my interactions with my H! He says, writes, does (and doesn't do) the same exact things! And like you I've tried the understanding tactic. I've tried the "you're an uncaring azz" tactic....and I wind up in the same place over and over. I too have that tiny bit of hope that has been keeping me in turmoil.

 

Reggie, Athena mentioned you suggested some books...would you mind letting me know which ones? I do believe I have a narcissist on my hands. I wasn't sure at first, because he also says he hates himself...and I thought they loved themselves. I don't get that, but otherwise it's SPOT on. gaslighting, blameshifting, manipulation, you name it. it's there.

 

And finally, thought I'd share a recent email from my best friend. I had yet another rough day (after soooo many rough days) and really, my friends want me to see the light and be able to move on. to breathe. to live. I've been stuck for a long time and this email helped me a lot. I think it's relevent to your situation as well, as we've held on for so long, held on to the M, held onto the hope...and it really is hard to finally let go even when you know it's for the best.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take care of yourself Athena!!!

Thank you.

 

Your friend's email is vivid with the analogy... yes, my sister-in-law said she was looking out of the side window panels of her front door, and saw a spiders' web glistening in the sunlight... and there was a huge spider with a fly trapped, beginning to work on the fly... she said that's how she saw my H, as building a web of deceit to catch me in his lies, so I was entrapped and couldn't escape... just wasting my life away.

 

And yes, the various books and articles that I have read about Narcissists over the years have talked about the emptiness inside and how they hate and despise themselves... I haven't the heart to point that out to my H, since he seems to think all but 'that' fits him... and to what point? It's not like he can change himself... all the personality disorders on the DSM are impossible to 'cure'.

 

I will search for your posts, I hope you have your own thread? I am very interested to read about your story. How long have you been with your H? Don't wait 23 years like me... if I KNEW he was not going to change, I would not have stayed.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

TDP, you hit the nail on the head -- all your points -- very perceptive.

The two lives he has been leading have been fun, exciting, and all while maintaining respectability.

Unfortunately, now, at his age of 49, it's catching up with him. He may not be ready to resign -- his job, his marriage, or even his affairs... but how much longer can he get away with all three?

 

I do feel sorry for him. He's had ample opportunity to change, mend his ways, and live a life in accordance with the principles he says he believes in. In some ways, my H's life seems similar to another poster on these boards -- Notsure 7, even though NS7 lives at home... but, as you can tell from the inner turmoil NS7 is experiencing, one cannot ignore the wrongdoings forever.

 

I always think of Warren Beatty as that prime example.... A string of lovers, every woman swooning over him, bed hopping falling in and out of love and single. Then he hit that wall, embarrassed by following Madonna around like a puppy dog and he ends up with this idealized perfect family with a gorgeous younger wife Annette Benning. Watch George Clooney follow in his footsteps too.

 

I'll tell you what will happen. Your H will hit that wall and hope you have retained your beauty (attractiveness), because he does love you, but true it is important to him, and be there for him to live his life out, be a grandfather and have his sins forgiven, or he will start anew, but this time find that final "wife" and live that life of respectability.

[jj33]

@JJ, you are correct -- it's like you said.

 

Thats what I suspected. In which case you need to be a woman with a plan. Step by step.

 

No emails or communications that will alienate him or cause him to stop sending money.

 

Its like you are playing a part in a movie. Its chess now.

 

You know you are leaving but you dont want him to take preemptive action before you are ready to pull the plug.

 

My concern is that as the Global President of Those Proud to Have NPD, if you push him before you are ready to file, he could decide that he is justified in sending less money home as you dont appreciate him anyway.

 

My guess is that he doesnt send all of his salary home anyway (what would he live on where he is).

 

You dont need to be blindsided by looking in your bank account one day and finding the amount you receive has decreased without warning.

 

Im not saying he is an evil man but people do funny things when they are hurt and rejected. Despite his actions, being your H and knowing you love him is obviously an important part of "who he is".

 

He doesnt need to know that you have decided for sure that this chapter is ending until you are ready for him to know.

 

Its not a bad thing for him to "think" he has the power and that you are still submissive little Athena, who loves him unconditionally and will always stand beside him doing as she is told.

 

His false sense of security will work in your favor while you do what is necessary to break free.

[Athena]

I'll tell you what will happen. Your H will hit that wall and hope you have retained your beauty (attractiveness), because he does love you, but true it is important to him, and be there for him to live his life out, be a grandfather and have his sins forgiven, or he will start anew, but this time find that final "wife" and live that life of respectability.

 

Aargh, TDP, this is exactly what I thought would happen, for years and years and years... it is the reason why I held onto my hopes and his promises of changing to live that life of respectability for real.

 

Dammit, I thought I was his 'start anew' -- I was his 'new wife' -- I was 'the younger model' (or whatever else WH might be looking for in a second M).

WHY would he not have changed his destructive ways, if he COULD have? It doesn't make any sense.

I honestly don't think he can be faithful -- not until he hits his seventies, that is... another twenty years of his messing around on me? No thank you.

 

And why would any smart woman, 35 yrs and over, be looking at a fifty-year-old like him with his track record of cheating 13 times within two marriages?

Would she overlook his history?

Do you really believe a woman of that age and experience would do that?

 

Do women not take a man's past behavior as evidence of what life would be like with him?!

[Athena]

I am thinking that even if H decides not to tell the truth to any new woman, in order to get her to fall in love with him first (he didn't tell me he was a divorcee with a child, for the first six weeks when we were first dating), then surely THAT willingness to withhold relevant information will seal the doom of any new R or M, since he will be building on a foundation of lies?

[Athena]

Hi JJ.

 

<Sigh> I just can't help it -- I DO say what I think to H!!! LOL

 

In the past, I was nice to him in order not to hurt his feelings because I saw him as very sensitive and vulnerable. I used to put his wants over mine, because for me, it was no big deal to let him have his way... I viewed myself as 'flexible', and it was obvious he was not.

 

His salary gets paid directly into our joint account here at home (he has his bank card on him and lives off it there)... of course with one phone call he could re-direct that, for sure.

I don't think he would do this unless: He started a new job, OR, I divorced him...

 

He won't cut off funds if I am only being honest with him about my feelings. As long as I don't file for divorce (and how can I have him served when he is out in Asia?!) he will let things be as they are.

 

However, I know what you say about my 'having to have a plan' is correct... I do need to think about this all.

But for now, at least until this present job of his continues for the next couple of months (another 2 or 3 months), he will let things be as they are. Hmmm -- having said that, I see what you mean... in the blink of an eye he will be in a new country, in a new job, and will set up a new bank account there and could begin a new life with a lady friend...

It is awkward timing, this need for a divorce, and the end of his current job.

But, I only seek Psychological Release from this ongoing turmoil. I don't see what other solution there is right now. You are right -- he WILL cut off funds as soon as he feels neglected.

<Worst case scenario>

 

I don't know how other wives who cannot make it financially on their own, walk away from their H's?

This house is a home base for our family. Both children are at home now. The older one has graduated and will take a year off before continuing his education. So he will live at home for the next year. The younger one will go back to University, but will be coming back home from time to time, and certainly during all holidays and vacations. She's only completed Freshman year, so has a few more years to go.

What I am saying is I don't see how H could provide for them, unless he continued with the current set up. And I take care of all the bills from his salary. I run the household. And I sore out payment for the tuition. That's it. If he cuts all that off, how would our children be provided for? He would have to think very hard before doing that to them (and me by default). Don't forget that children grow up very quickly, and then would he have them wanting to associate with a father that destroyed their lives by cutting off all money in a blink of an eye? I don't think so... but, again, one never knows. he might really think what he's told me before -- that without his wife, he has no family!

 

The Cut-off will be later, I think. There is NO way he would be willing financially support me long-term (the decade that the lawyers say is what the law provides for) if I no longer continue to be his wife... he would sooner or later refuse, and 'disappear'. But I think that for now, while the kids are still heavily dependent on him, he will continue to provide.

That gives me a chance to find work and start earning something. It's not going to be good enough, but its a necessity, and it's a start.

[jj33]

Athena. I am NOT for one minute saying you should not divorce him.

 

I am just saying it is not the norm for a woman to be in a position where there are NO real assets other than her H's salary and for her not to have a career.

 

Usually if a woman has never really worked, there is equity in the house, savings, financial assets, or something. So in that regard, your situation is different. You wouldnt get any financial settlement because there are no assets to divide.

 

Its one thing to say I will walk away with nothing if you have a job. Its another thing to say Im booting him out I will have a house to live in and alimony for a year or two until I get myself sorted.

 

But you have no guarantee of either of either of these things. And from what you say you dont have family to stay with either if he pulled the plug. What would you do in that situation?

 

So you need to be smart. I really hope this lights a fire under you to start looking for a job immediately, or to enroll in school whatever it is that you need to do to start moving forward.

 

I know its not easy. But you cant be paralysed by the situation. You have to take action.

 

Ive been there. And its awful. Luckily I had some savings (very little but some) to tide me over until I got myself going again.

 

I was surprised at how little I was able to live on. I lost every credit card because I couldnt make the payments. I was very close to being homeless. The economy was bad and noone in my field was hiring. Noone outside of my field would hire me because I had no experience other than in my field.

 

I had been senior in my field so noone would believe I wanted to do anything other than what I had done.

 

But I had a career history and I was very very very lucky. The people in my field (not least xMM) rallied round me and supported me in starting my own venture. I lived on a shoestring in a place so horrible and so tiny you wouldnt believe it, until I got on my feet again. That is part of why I am so loyal to xMM. He was literally a lifeline for me even though he didnt know it at the time.

 

I never admitted to them how bad it was because I was ashamed and didnt want anyone to know. When I told them after the fact they didnt really understand it. All they knew was that I was bright beautiful and successful. The idea of what i had gone through was nonsensical to them. They thought i was exaggerating because surely I couldnt have gone through that right underneath their noses. And moreso because if it could happen to me it could happen to them. The thought of losing their privileged lives was too awful for them to contemplate (cut to the global financial crisis and the Madoff scandal etc and now more people are experiencing variants on that theme).

 

You dont have a career history. You need to start making one NOW. People who have never been through that say oh it will be fine. You will be fine. Lots of people divorce all the time and its easy you can make it you can get a job.

 

It not always that straight forward.

 

By December you need to be in a position where you can get a job if you dont already have one. Im not saying this to scare you I just want you to take care of yourself.

 

And this could change things. Like your child's plan to take a year off. What is that about? If he/she has a degree and money may be tight what justification is there for him not to work and not to be in school? You need to take a rethink your plans.

 

Is it wise for you to be supporting an able bodied educated adult child at home when you have this going on?

[Athena]

JJ, I had no idea you have been though all that hardship! Thank you for sharing that with me. It is sobering that you endured what you did, and suffered under the noses of unsuspecting people around you. <hugs> jj, you made it, and no wonder you are emphatic in passing your words of advice to me. THANK YOU! I am somewhat sticking my head in the sand, aren't I? Yikes. That could be me.

 

I will take your advice to heart.

[Athena]

 

And this could change things. Like your child's plan to take a year off. What is that about? If he/she has a degree and money may be tight what justification is there for him not to work and not to be in school? You need to take a rethink your plans.

 

Is it wise for you to be supporting an able bodied educated adult child at home when you have this going on?

 

My son is going abroad with us (he's going for a longer period of time, six weeks as opposed to our three weeks). When he returns he will be working for my brother, and will begin studying for his MCATS. He has his work cut out for him.

[jj33]

It sounds like your son has a plan. And you have a brother in the US so that if push comes to shove maybe you could live with them if you had to do that for a period of time. You just want to make sure you have a contingency plan.

 

You have been very lucky that you have never had to worry about working or supporting yourself. This is a whole new idea for you.

 

You may not have the luxury of being an ostrich. The stakes could potentially be very high. But hopefully it wont come to that. Hopefully your H will fulfill his responsibilities to you and the children and maybe there are other assets or you have family members who would assist you if H did not honor his commitments (its none of our business).

 

The thing is if its really a question of his salary and nothing else and you dont have a fallback, then you need to take quick action. If you have other or family resources you can rely on, then its not a question of being an ostrich, you dont need to worry about the financial side of things.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Aargh, TDP, this is exactly what I thought would happen, for years and years and years... it is the reason why I held onto my hopes and his promises of changing to live that life of respectability for real.

 

Dammit, I thought I was his 'start anew' -- I was his 'new wife' -- I was 'the younger model' (or whatever else WH might be looking for in a second M).

WHY would he not have changed his destructive ways, if he COULD have? It doesn't make any sense.

I honestly don't think he can be faithful -- not until he hits his seventies, that is... another twenty years of his messing around on me? No thank you.

 

And why would any smart woman, 35 yrs and over, be looking at a fifty-year-old like him with his track record of cheating 13 times within two marriages?

Would she overlook his history?

Do you really believe a woman of that age and experience would do that?

 

Do women not take a man's past behavior as evidence of what life would be like with him?!

 

 

Athena, please don't be depressed by my comments, they are just my jaded view about men.

 

Only you know your H. I bet he'll stay if you let him, as his charm wanes as he hits 50, and the 30 year olds don't find him so attractive or long-term. He'll settle down, come back if you give him the okay.

 

As for what do 35 yo women see in these men.... What do I know, I'm a man....

[Reggie]

And you beleived your brother? He speaks for all men?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Ok so you are between a rock and a hard place, a husband I do think you love and believe it of not loves you and his family too.... However he loves his lifestyle too.

 

I always hear the radio ads for Ashley Madison (Affairs to remember) and while the selling point is questionable at best, I have to admit it does fill a void.

 

Athena, unfortunately you made these choices with your H, knowing early on he'd travel to where work is, did not want to be tied down to a job in one place at a lower then expected salary. He charming, handsome, smart and absent.....

 

Often like the US military it may come down to a 'Don't ask, Don't tell' policy. Enjoy the 100% devoted husband and father when together and hope the time at home grows more often and for longer periods.

 

Is there a definitive happy solution???? I don't know.... Is there one you can live with? Only you know.

[Athena]

And you beleived your brother? He speaks for all men?

 

No, Reggie I don't believe my brother- in- law speaks for all men at all. In fact, I know my own brother is completely the opposite of H and his brother (even though H's brother is not having affairs, he ALMOST went there, and obviously shows signs of it if he says that all men wish they could live a life like my H's).

My brother is not like that. So there you go... two opposites in my and H's family.

 

And you are not like that.

[taylor]

I bet he'll stay if you let him, as his charm wanes as he hits 50, and the 30 year olds don't find him so attractive or long-term. He'll settle down, come back if you give him the okay.

 

So, when no one else wants him Athena can have him back?

 

Who wants a used up man-whore?

 

Who wants to be anyone's Plan B?

 

Athena, keep looking for that job.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't waste one more second dwelling on that poor excuse of a husband of yours.

 

 

 

what do 35 yo women see in these men.... What do I know, I'm a man....

 

They see a man willing to lie and cheat on his wife and spend money on THEM with no guilt whatsoever...works for them.

[taylor]

And Taylor maybe pimply faced 17 year olds can find jobs, but I dont think Athena is looking to work as a clerk in a 7/11 or as a junior office clerk. That wouldnt allow her to pay her mortgage. She needs time to put a proper strategy in place.

 

No one said she should work at the local convenience store.

 

My post was in response to the idiot lawyers who advised her that because of her financial situation, she should not divorce, but should have her own EMA as a solution to her marital problems.

 

My post was in response to those who told her she shouldn't divorce because it's too hard to find a job in this economy.

 

My post was in response to those who told her she should not divorce because she's been out of the job market for 20 years.

 

My post was in response to the time she spent sending voluminous e-mails to a husband who has no intention of changing his ways.

 

The point is it's time to stop wasting time on this man. And put every ounce of time and energy into finding a job. Don't roll over and play dead just because the economy sucks or because job skills need a little fine tuning.

 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The weak roll over and play dead.

 

Athena has a masters degree. She is highly qualified to find a job that pays. No amount of time or energy focused in the pursuit of a job will be wasted. Any amount of time poured into a man what was given 20 long years to change IS a waste of precious time.

 

Athena has far more going for her than the 17 year old fresh out of high school. And I repeat, if he can find a job with his lack of education/job history to support himself...then so can she.

[stillafool]

I don't understand why you are still in contact with your H after the things he has done to you over the years. Your children are grown and there would be no "child custody" involved in a divorce. Your H has clearly implied he is who he is so I really have to wonder why you would put up with his behavior this long. Please don't say for the kids because they aren't kids anymore.

 

I also don't underestand the berating him for getting older. What does that accomplish? The truth is this guy will always have women who want him no matter how old he gets. The 20 year olds will become 40's year olds and so forth. As he gets older so will the women but they will still be young to him. I wouldn't worry about that if I were you but would try to reestablish my own life. You are not too old to find a love who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I think wasting your time sending your h emails the way you have is just keeping you caught up and in pain.

 

He seems sorry that he hurt you and the children but doesn't seem sorry for who he is and is quite honest about it. It seems you have had your chance to express and anger and feelings to him. Why not leave him alone now and move on with your life?

[angie2443]

So, when no one else wants him Athena can have him back?

 

Who wants a used up man-whore?

 

Who wants to be anyone's Plan B?

 

Athena, keep looking for that job.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't waste one more second dwelling on that poor excuse of a husband of yours."

 

 

They see a man willing to lie and cheat on his wife and spend money on THEM with no guilt whatsoever...works for them.

 

I agree. This man is not worth waiting it out for.

[Athena]

Taylor, Stillafool, and Angie,

 

Thanks for your posts. I appreciate your take on it. Reading other people's more objective views helps me see my situation a little more clearly.

 

btw, I don't have a Masters... I started my undergrad from scratch in this country several years ago, and graduated 3 years ago. I applied to start a Master's degree last September, but after one semester my cohort was canceled and the remaining 3 of us were told to join another course at a campus far away, since the univ. was not prepared to run that particular program with just 3 students that were left!

I have yet to decide what to do about pursuing a Master's since I did not want to travel hours to and back from the other campus.

 

Just to clarify, the lawyer wanted to know why I would want a divorce if I could just largely avoid my H, and I said apart from the Psychological release/freedom I needed, what about if I wanted to meet a man in the future? He then offered a solution of, "Well, then, keep it discrete". But that is not the solution which will work for me and my mental health.

 

I do see that at least now my H is not outright lying about having a desire to change his ways... he acknowledges his hurtful behavior to me, but promises nothing different. All he wants is for life to continue as it is.

But for me, being 'stuck' in this cycle of depression and grief over the state of my M caused me to halt any progression forward (job, financial independence)... it was like I was waiting for him to reconnect to being the H he had promised he'd be.

 

I take the advice given here, that I need to step forward with finding a job and moving towards divorce in the future.

I am sorry that my M has seemingly failed. We also had a lot of love. I don't know what lies ahead, but ahead I must move. It didn't help any that I was depressed and unhappy for so long.

 

If I didn't want a divorce, and my H didn't want a divorce, why are we getting divorced?!

[Owl]

If I didn't want a divorce, and my H didn't want a divorce, why are we getting divorced?!

 

What I'd read up to this point indicated to me that you had investigated the OPTION of divorce...but I hadn't read anything indicating that you were still continuing the divorce process.