Dumped by fiance in Japan. I'm a wreck. (long)

[Bobby2010]

My situation is just surreal.

 

After meeting her and spending 2 years with her in my home country, I promised I would visit her in her in Japan and seek employment as it was somewhere I always wanted to work. A few months later I found a job and was on my way to Japan, it was around the summer of 2007. I also quit my job at home to do this. I gave up everything for her.

 

I got there, everything was amazing, our life couldn't have been better. We got engaged, she was so happy.

 

But being engaged wasn't enough for her, she wanted to get married right away. We didn't have a date set that was fine with me, but not to her. I always told her there is no need to just rush and get married. I also re-assured her everything is fine and I promised to get married. I mean, I picked up my whole life just to be with her. She sometimes said, if we are living together anyway, why can't we just do it soon? She cried a few times about it.

 

Now I am really regretting not doing it when I had the chance. It rips my stomach apart. I feel so stupid.

 

Around August of last year she got a new job she'd been pursuing for a long time. The problem with this is that it was about an hour commute for her to get to her workplace. So she started arriving home a little later. But we were so in love that it didn't matter. She was SOOOO excited to see me when I would meet her at the bus stop. Things couldn't have been better.

 

Fast forward to around March of this year. Very slowly, things with her started to change. She wasn't over excited to see me when she got back, she often didn't kiss me goodbye in the morning. She was cranky alot, she stopped wearing jewelry I bought her...stopped texting me cute messages...etc..etc...

 

So like any normal, worrying person I confronted her. I found her behavior bizarre. She would assure me things were fine. But it didn't stop, it got worse. She was ignoring me so much at night, and texting with co-workers and it was driving me insane. We got in several arguments, and she would just say how jealous I was being. I would apologize for it and said I would try and let it go. But I was still feeling so angry.

 

Again, it got worse. One night I texted her after her finish time, just a general "how was your day, can't wait to see you" type thing. She didn't respond. So about an hour later I am outside on the balcony and see her walking to the apartment chatting away having a great conversation with someone. This really hurt me.

 

So when she came in. I sat her down and said we really need to talk about your behavior, I can't take it anymore. Please talk to me, I'm very confused and hurt. You are acting like a different person. She said she was fine, and continued texting right in front of me when I was in so much pain. I grabed her cell phone and attempted to toss it n the chair. I missed the chair, it smashed. She then immediately said she was breaking up with me, it's over. She was sick of our relationship, and sick of me.

 

The next day I pleaded with her to think things through. She wouldn't budge, she even ended up saying she had given me hints. (The same reason why I was asking for months what was wrong with her). She said she had lost interest over time and didn't feel a connection anymore. She also said that sometimes she would finish work early but didn't come home right away because she had a better time with her co-workers.

 

So I asked if there was someone else, and she said there is someone who likes her and she is thinking of starting a new life with. A co-worker she had known for 10 months but didn't have a thing for until recently. (I wonder). Meanwhile I am leaving in 3 days for vacation at home for 2 weeks.

 

So when I got back to Japan, 95% of her stuff was gone. The apartment cleaned, and she was just gone. I haven't seen her since getting back a week ago. I only got an email saying she is now living in another city wit this new guy.

 

I cannot believe she has done this. I am completely devastated. I don't sleep or eat, I now chain smoke. The apartment is in her name so I need to make payments to her bank account every month. I can't get another apartment either. I have ALL of my stuff here. Everything.

 

I want her back so bad. I feel like I should have married her when I had the chance, and if I did none of this would be happening.

[asuman]

Friend,

 

I've been down this path once before.

 

It is probably over. She found someone else. She actually left you a long time ago, months ago maybe, so she is already done with her grieving process. She took some very serious and harsh concrete steps to signify that she is done with your relationship, like moving her stuff out. This is no girl who is wavering (which would probably be even worse for you, because a wavering girl who's met someone else is just going to string you along for months more, and then still probably end up with the other guy).

 

That's just my gut reaction to what you've described.

[asuman]

And by the way, stop regretting this very moment the fact that you did not set a wedding date.

 

This girl was not capable of being loyal to you in the long term. She has been having an affair behind your back. You should be thankful you did not wind up married to her.

[adamt]

I want her back so bad. I feel like I should have married her when I had the chance, and if I did none of this would be happening.

 

I would not put it down to that. Look at it a different way, if you had rushed through marriage and this still happened what mess would it have been. Probably better you split up now instead of if you had got married.You made a big commitment and sacrifice to move to japan anyway.

 

Times,people and circumstances change, i can relate to how she changed as me ex changed in a space of a couple of months. it is hard to comprehend how one minute a person is talking long term commitment then a month later they want to end it. I went through a similar thing. it does catch you out as you see the relationship as long term with the ex talking commitment, but at the same time the ex will be starting to distance themselves. byt the time you see something is wrong it is too late to ty to fix it and the ex has made their mind up.

 

yes you can look back and see instances where you might have done things differently but no matter what you would have done she may still have wanted to quit.

 

All i can recommend is keeping yourself busy, do some hobbies or activities to fill up your time. Spend time with people and keep your social life tickign over. Over time you will feel better and you will see the relationship in a clearer picture

[xpaperxcutx]

Since you're in japan you'll probably have better work opportunities than a japanese men. I would say screw her and live your life the way you want without regretting you didn't marry her.

 

There will always be someone better who will appreciate you and in Japan, there's alot of beautiful asian girls who are seeking a good relationship.

 

Get your butt off that couch ( or futon), throw out your smokes, get yourself cleaned and go for an osen. Then when you get back from a weekend of pampered goodness look into getting an apartment where your money doesn't go straight to her and actually take the next step to better yourself. Nobody is worth it for you to ruin your life over, or your health.

 

I used to be fat and chubby, and I've since slimmed down to a size 2 and 115s. But you don't see me wanting to binge eat just because someone dumped or rejected me. Sure I get the urge sometimes to want to eat ice cream because I'm upset, but when I think about how hard I worked my butt off to get where I am, I say **** ice cream because I'm I going running.

[Bobby2010]

She assured me at the time of the breakup that she has never cheated on me. But I have been cheated on before, and all the signs were so there.

I wondered who she was with, constantly.

 

And I have never, not once since she started her new job met any of her co-workers. I thought that was totally odd but she said that in Japan boyfriends and girlfriends don't usually attend work parties or gatherings. I didn't even spend her birthday with her, as they had a party for her at the workplace.

 

I even flat out asked her on a few occasions "Are you cheating on me"? And asked her if something was bothering her to please just say it now instead of later. It was almost like I wanted her to say she was, to assure myself I wasn't going crazy.

 

I'd said to myself dozens of times "Something isn't right, something's really messed up here, something's gotta give".

 

I had to live with her for the 3 days before I left for vacation. On the 3rd night she came back with a welt hidden on the side of her neck. She admitted to sleeping with him. I didn't sleep that night obviously, and didn't sleep on the flight.

 

I can't believe it's the same girl I fell in love with. It's just astonishing.

[asuman]

As I said, I've had one relationship where a girlfriend cheated on me. That experience taught me that you don't actually need "smoking gun" evidence of cheating before you learn that your partner isn't being faithful to you. Most people who are cheated on, know it far well in advance of the smoking gun. Their instincts were screaming it to them for ages. They just didn't want to hear it.

 

You saw the signs. Your gut instincts have been right all along. Now she's basically confirmed that for you.

 

This will be a tough period of time for you. Lots of tears, lots of anguish. But I promise that you will get through it, come through the other side an improved person, and find someone far superior to her for your life than she was. Start the healing process now, by working on accepting that she was not good for you, and that it's over. The sooner you start, the sooner you will reach the finish line and start the next chapter of your life.

[NopeNah]

I've been cheated on twice. Once in my marrage and then in my most recent breakup. Both times I had a "gut" feeling that something was going on. Both times my "gut" was correct. I'd say yours was too. So, with that said.. How do you like Japan? Do you see yourself staying there without her? If not, start looking for work some where that you want to live. Get job,turn in notice(if you're not under contract), and bounce. Don't worry about her name being on the lease(she wasn't) and go!

[asuman]

I've been cheated on twice. Once in my marrage and then in my most recent breakup. Both times I had a "gut" feeling that something was going on. Both times my "gut" was correct. I'd say yours was too. So, with that said.. How do you like Japan? Do you see yourself staying there without her? If not, start looking for work some where that you want to live. Get job,turn in notice(if you're not under contract), and bounce. Don't worry about her name being on the lease(she wasn't) and go!

 

I agree that everything you do from this point forward, until you get through this period, should be 100% selfish and 100% directed at meeting your needs and helping you get back on your feet. So yes, screw her lease. Do what you want. Hell if you know you can get out of there before her next payment will be due and will be enforced by the landlord (however that is done in Japan), don't frickin' pay it and just get out!

[hoping2heal]

My situation is just surreal.

 

After meeting her and spending 2 years with her in my home country, I promised I would visit her in her in Japan and seek employment as it was somewhere I always wanted to work. A few months later I found a job and was on my way to Japan, it was around the summer of 2007. I also quit my job at home to do this. I gave up everything for her.

 

I got there, everything was amazing, our life couldn't have been better. We got engaged, she was so happy.

 

But being engaged wasn't enough for her, she wanted to get married right away. We didn't have a date set that was fine with me, but not to her. I always told her there is no need to just rush and get married. I also re-assured her everything is fine and I promised to get married. I mean, I picked up my whole life just to be with her. She sometimes said, if we are living together anyway, why can't we just do it soon? She cried a few times about it.

 

Now I am really regretting not doing it when I had the chance. It rips my stomach apart. I feel so stupid.

 

Around August of last year she got a new job she'd been pursuing for a long time. The problem with this is that it was about an hour commute for her to get to her workplace. So she started arriving home a little later. But we were so in love that it didn't matter. She was SOOOO excited to see me when I would meet her at the bus stop. Things couldn't have been better.

 

Fast forward to around March of this year. Very slowly, things with her started to change. She wasn't over excited to see me when she got back, she often didn't kiss me goodbye in the morning. She was cranky alot, she stopped wearing jewelry I bought her...stopped texting me cute messages...etc..etc...

 

So like any normal, worrying person I confronted her. I found her behavior bizarre. She would assure me things were fine. But it didn't stop, it got worse. She was ignoring me so much at night, and texting with co-workers and it was driving me insane. We got in several arguments, and she would just say how jealous I was being. I would apologize for it and said I would try and let it go. But I was still feeling so angry.

 

Again, it got worse. One night I texted her after her finish time, just a general "how was your day, can't wait to see you" type thing. She didn't respond. So about an hour later I am outside on the balcony and see her walking to the apartment chatting away having a great conversation with someone. This really hurt me.

 

So when she came in. I sat her down and said we really need to talk about your behavior, I can't take it anymore. Please talk to me, I'm very confused and hurt. You are acting like a different person. She said she was fine, and continued texting right in front of me when I was in so much pain. I grabed her cell phone and attempted to toss it n the chair. I missed the chair, it smashed. She then immediately said she was breaking up with me, it's over. She was sick of our relationship, and sick of me.

 

The next day I pleaded with her to think things through. She wouldn't budge, she even ended up saying she had given me hints. (The same reason why I was asking for months what was wrong with her). She said she had lost interest over time and didn't feel a connection anymore. She also said that sometimes she would finish work early but didn't come home right away because she had a better time with her co-workers.

 

So I asked if there was someone else, and she said there is someone who likes her and she is thinking of starting a new life with. A co-worker she had known for 10 months but didn't have a thing for until recently. (I wonder). Meanwhile I am leaving in 3 days for vacation at home for 2 weeks.

 

So when I got back to Japan, 95% of her stuff was gone. The apartment cleaned, and she was just gone. I haven't seen her since getting back a week ago. I only got an email saying she is now living in another city wit this new guy.

 

I cannot believe she has done this. I am completely devastated. I don't sleep or eat, I now chain smoke. The apartment is in her name so I need to make payments to her bank account every month. I can't get another apartment either. I have ALL of my stuff here. Everything.

 

I want her back so bad. I feel like I should have married her when I had the chance, and if I did none of this would be happening.

 

Here's the deal, what do you think would of changed if she married you? Oh, let me answer that ; it would be harder for her to be doing what she's doing, which may even lead to her sneaking around until the time is more convinient. Yep, that's the only thing I can see that getting married would of changed. Marriage is not a fix all suture. The idea that getting married is going to maintain a relationship is about as practical as the idea that having a child will save a marriage.

 

Believe it or not, you are lucky you didn't marry her. Why? Because you now see this woman's true colors. There were plenty of opportunities to salvage and work on maintaining and restoring your relationship, she took none of them. Had you been married, the heartbreak and betrayel may of seemed worse to you and on top of that, there would be legal mumbo jumbo to combat with.

 

You might not realise it, but you dodged a HUGE bullet by not marrying this girl.

[NopeNah]

You might not realise it, but you dodged a HUGE bullet by not marrying this girl.

This is pretty much a FACT if I've ever seen one,and I've seen alot of facts by the way!

[adamt]

you made a huge commitment by giving everything up and moving to japan. What did she give up in return? probably very little. you deserve better and you will find someone better. Are you planning to stay in japan?

[Bobby2010]

Thank You all. Glad I made an account here.

 

adamt, I Am planning to stay until my contract is up in December. I've got some time to think about what I'll do between now and then I guess... right now I am just stuck, shocked.

 

I'm honestly not sure if she was really physically cheating on me (Doesn't matter I know). Regardless, she was emotionally cheating on me for a long time.

 

However, this list made by AskMen.com was pretty accurate. My situation is bang-on with at least 7 of their top ten:

 

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/65_dating_list.html

[asuman]

Thank You all. Glad I made an account here.

 

adamt, I Am planning to stay until my contract is up in December. I've got some time to think about what I'll do between now and then I guess... right now I am just stuck, shocked.

 

I'm honestly not sure if she was really physically cheating on me (Doesn't matter I know). Regardless, she was emotionally cheating on me for a long time.

 

However, this list made by AskMen.com was pretty accurate. My situation is bang-on with at least 7 of their top ten:

 

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/65_dating_list.html

 

The odds are extremely high that she physically cheated on you. The odds are extremely low that she will admit this to you without being caught. My cheating ex refused to admit anything until I had rock solid proof, which I was only able to get because I had several friends at her place of employment.

 

You should probably get an STD test done. If you have questions about whether you should continue loving her, think about her subjecting you to this crap while you're getting your blood drawn.

[seibert253]

You should get on your knees everyday and thank God you did not marry this woman.

 

She was cheating on you. If you decide to stay in Japan, you will not have a problem finding another who will treat you the way you deserve.

[EmperorR]

my ex fiance always cheated on me and left me for someone else, trust me even fi you married her earlier you would be in the separation/divorce forum right now.

 

It sucks you wqill feel like crap for a long long while, just take it slow try to find another apartment and move the change will do you good.

[Bobby2010]

The odds are extremely high that she physically cheated on you. The odds are extremely low that she will admit this to you without being caught. My cheating ex refused to admit anything until I had rock solid proof, which I was only able to get because I had several friends at her place of employment.

 

See, I had nothing or nobody at her work place. Friends wanted me to follow her there, but I refused, saying that's a bit childish. Maybe I was afraid of what I might find.

[Bobby2010]

You should get on your knees everyday and thank God you did not marry this woman.

 

She was cheating on you.

 

Heh, I like seeing this I'll admit.

 

I have been blaming myself sooooo much. Thinking of times I made her mad. It's all I did, look for reasons why she did this. But the fact is I hadn't changed at all from my first year here with her, so I knew it had to be her. I was right for getting curious for sure. I'm not crazy.

[asuman]

See, I had nothing or nobody at her work place. Friends wanted me to follow her there, but I refused, saying that's a bit childish. Maybe I was afraid of what I might find.

 

Probably.

 

I went into "detective mode" in my situation only because my ex wanted to reconcile with me and claimed it was all over. At least your ex isn't lying to you to that extent.

 

But keep in mind... when I found out through listening to her voicemail that she was cheating, she denied even knowing the guy. When I played her the voicemail, she said he was stalking her and nothing happened. When I told her a friend told me things that had been observed at her workplace, she said nothing physical happened. When I told her another friend had found a love letter in the office that made it obvious the relationship was physical, only then did she admit it was.

 

The evidence in your situation is pretty overwhelming. You don't need a "confession" to reach your conclusion she cheated, although you practically already do have a confession.

[Bobby2010]

What bothers me most is the fact there was never a 2nd chance, after 3 years. No opportunity to try and fix things, and try and make it better. It just ENDED. No closure.

[asuman]

What bothers me most is the fact there was never a 2nd chance, after 3 years. No opportunity to try and fix things, and try and make it better. It just ENDED. No closure.

 

A girl who ends things that way without talking things through or making an effort is not relationship material.

 

As someone else mentioned, you dodged a bullet.

[adamt]

What bothers me most is the fact there was never a 2nd chance, after 3 years. No opportunity to try and fix things, and try and make it better. It just ENDED. No closure.

 

More than likely she has thought about leaving for a while and so when she has the courage to do it she will not change their mind as she will have thought it all through. I dont know if it is just a women thing. My ex wanted a break, few weeks later we split up without any time to work things out.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She probably just wanted you for your green card and at the end of the day your better off!

 

Go back home bobby make sure you got your ring back and live your life.

[asuman]

She probably just wanted you for your green card and at the end of the day your better off!

 

Go back home bobby make sure you got your ring back and live your life.

 

The law of engagement rings varies from state to state here in the US, so God knows what it is in Japan. If she gave the ring back, great. If not, just walk away.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Oh yeah that's right! it was in japan. Damn homie looks like your azzed out. lol.

 

Best to just move on.