NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I posted this in another thread: I'm dating a guy who says he loves me, but I don't feel like he's "in love" with me, and this really annoys me no end. I want to feel slightly more like he doesn't have any choice but to be with me because he's so crazy about me, and slightly less like it's a completely rational and cognitive decision based on factors that would make me a good partner. My question is: as guys get older (he's in his early 30s), do they tend to be more rational about what they want in a partner?
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I posted this in another thread: I'm dating a guy who says he loves me, but I don't feel like he's "in love" with me, and this really annoys me no end. I want to feel slightly more like he doesn't have any choice but to be with me because he's so crazy about me, and slightly less like it's a completely rational and cognitive decision based on factors that would make me a good partner. My question is: as guys get older (he's in his early 30s), do they tend to be more rational about what they want in a partner? Yes, no, maybe. Some men do, some men don't. Sometimes experience teaches people to be cautious, sometimes people can approach each situation with a fresh outlook. Maybe he just got out of a relationship and was burned? Being older doesn't always equal wiser. I've dated men in their 30's that still think like teenagers!
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194170/ He's gaming your mind Age and maturity are not in any way interrelated in a meaningful linear fashion...
Author NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Being older doesn't always equal wiser. I've dated men in their 30's that still think like teenagers! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194170/ He's gaming your mind Age and maturity are not in any way interrelated in a meaningful linear fashion... Daaaaamn I'd really like to think that at some point EVERYONE could just grow up...but especially the everyones with penises.
Thaddeus Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Daaaaamn I'd really like to think that at some point EVERYONE could just grow up...but especially the everyones with penises. Can we please get along without all the man-hating that's going on in this site?
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Can we please get along without all the man-hating that's going on in this site? I don't hate men, and didn't mean that as such - more tongue in cheek. I think it's pretty obvious that men AND women have maturity issues; probably neither sex more than the other.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Daaaaamn I'd really like to think that at some point EVERYONE could just grow up...but especially the everyones with penises. I wish I could say something to reassure you- but I can't, sorry:( Can we please get along without all the man-hating that's going on in this site? Oh, there is a lot of vagina bashing going on here too:rolleyes:
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Edit to last post: didn't take it as such. I thought it was cute.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I'd really like to think that at some point EVERYONE could just grow up...but especially the everyone with penises That's reasonable, but even grown-ups can be and are incompatible for long-term intimate relationships. So, finding a grown-up is no guarantee of relationship success. For the record, tricycle boy man-basher (that's me) is a man I take men to task for the same issues as I do women (which I've done plenty)...... equal opportunity
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 After reading the addition to your last thread that spawned this one, I have to agree with Carhill. I'm sure you like this guy a lot, and/or love him; BUT it sounds like possibly you're more annoyed by the simple fact that he doesn't want to give you more, than it being about you want more and you're not getting it from him. If that makes sense.
Author NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Can we please get along without all the man-hating that's going on in this site? I get along really well with people who have constructive insight/opinions/input to offer
Author NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 After reading the addition to your last thread that spawned this one, I have to agree with Carhill. I'm sure you like this guy a lot, and/or love him; BUT it sounds like possibly you're more annoyed by the simple fact that he doesn't want to give you more, than it being about you want more and you're not getting it from him. If that makes sense. If you're saying what I think you're saying (that I want someone to be in love with me for affirmation that I'm irrisistible or something similiar) then yes it does make sense, and I've actually considered that possibility myself. Not sure though. So, what about guys in general - are there any guys out there who approach dating/marriage primarily rationally and not emotionally?
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 are there any guys out there who approach dating/marriage primarily rationally and not emotionally? IMO, emotion is tempered by rational thought and decision-making. If one 'thinks' love, one is in for a helluva life. That's a life I'll gladly not participate in, if possible. Remember, that compatibility thing. For another, rational love might be perfect
boogieboy Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 If you're saying what I think you're saying (that I want someone to be in love with me for affirmation that I'm irrisistible or something similiar) then yes it does make sense, and I've actually considered that possibility myself. Not sure though. So, what about guys in general - are there any guys out there who approach dating/marriage primarily rationally and not emotionally? I did with my ex, I held back until I was sure that she was giving me her true personality. I never got to let my guard down, but I was ready. All I had to do was get myelf in the in-love frame of mind, and I woulda been there. But it didnt happen at first sight. He might be holding back, he might NEVER be in love with you. You just have to talk to him and find out why hes not in love with ya.
runner Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 i can't speak for other 'older guys,' but as i've packed on the years myself, i feel as if i have a better idea for what i want in a partner, how to deal with my emotions in whatever given circumstance, and therefore an easier time walking away from a relationship if it just isn't working out. in this particular sense, i certainly don't miss my youth.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 OP, the risk of not 'letting your guard down' is, precisely, manufacturing an incompatibility with someone who is willing and able to let theirs down, or not approach relationships with that ideal at all. I had this issue with my wife, and it came out in MC. She never quite let her guard down and, over time, I became resentful of that, though I was patient for a number of years. Now, I would never progress with a woman who feared risking herself for a healthy intimate relationship. I would walk away. Life is too short. YMMV, of course
Author NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Boogie - but talking to him about it would be too easy! Maybe I'm being cynical, but I have a hard time imagining someone being honest with someone about why they're not "in love." He might not even know himself. Assuming that he's not. So - were you honest about what you were doing and all with your girl? Runner - Thanks for that! I hope I get to that point eventually...I know I'm on my way, but I'm still having a little trouble with the walking away when it's not working part. Carhill - That makes perfect sense to me. Except for the YMMV part - what does that stand for?
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Carhill - That makes perfect sense to me. Except for the YMMV part - what does that stand for? YMMV= Your Mileage May Vary = Your experience may differ. Each of our psychologies is unique and what one person may find incompatible might be perfectly compatible to another. For example, my wife might find, in the future, a man who is comfortable with a minimally emotional relationship, or she might find a deeper attraction than that she had with me, and become more open, and find compatibility. I was, with her, as I've always been with any woman, open and vulnerable. That's my way. My experience. Yours is not required to be the same, and I hope it's not
alphamale Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My question is: as guys get older (he's in his early 30s), do they tend to be more rational about what they want in a partner? early 40s yes, early 30s probably not
Pyro Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My question is: as guys get older (he's in his early 30s), do they tend to be more rational about what they want in a partner? Generally speaking, yes but there still exists the adolescent 30 and above crowd.
Woggle Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 With age comes wisdom and when men reach a certain age they learn that it is a smart idea to approach relationships from a logical point of view. Letting your emotions rule you can backfire in a big way.
Author NotNow Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 In a way it's nice to hear all this; on the other hand, I'm still not sure how that makes me feel! If I'm being played: :rolleyes: But in general, not sure how I'd feel about being a "rational" decision - like a guy has in mind what characteristics he wants (financial responsible, drama free, etc.), and as he dates me he's either like Check, Check, OK let's get married! Or Check, Check...whoops, you displayed a tiny sliver of having X quality I don't like, Next!
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