doormat4life Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 This is my first post, so bear with me on the length and thank you in advance for your assistance. I have been friends with a woman for ten years now. About 5 years ago we mutually decided we liked each other as more than friends but the timing on an actual relationship has always been off. Either I was moving, lived to far away, or one of us was in a relationship. I am moving back to her area permanently, and neither of us was involved in a serious relationship. She told me that I was the perfect man for her, and wanted to start a relationship once I moved to the area, I will be there next week. I went down to visit for the fourth of July and she had decided that she was ready for a relationship that weekend ... with someone else. She does not want to lose our friendship, but we had a couple of fights this weekend. I was hurt and jealous. We resolved the fights and are on good terms in a manner of speaking. Right now she considers me to be her best friend, and I care deeply for her, but I am not returning her calls or texts. My reason for this is not that I am still mad at her, but that I still want a relationship with her that is more than friendship, and do not want to interfere with her current relationship... I feel that if I were to talk or respond to her it would just keep "us" fresh in my mind. I refuse to cut this woman out of my life, but not sure how to keep her in it and still be ok. I am aware of the possibility that this may be a temporary thing and I am aware of the possibility that it may be a permanent relationship, I am also aware that if it is temporary, there is no guarantee she will be ready to be with me when it ends.While I know she will always be there for me as a friend, and I care for her, My fear is that I may never be at a point where I can accept us as just friends, I am trying to be patient. If not caring for her is not an option, how will I know when I am ok to contact her again?
BCCA Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I would start here: http://www.laddertheory.com/ Once you read that, I can give you more of an opinion (I think youre on top of her 'friend' ladder), but here is a few general rules that apply to dating: 1. 'Bad timing' is ALWAYS crap. If a woman was really interested, they would be figuring out reasons why it CAN work, not why it couldnt. Distance, other relationtions, etc - where there is a will, there is a way. 2. When someone says 'someday' they want to start a relationship with you, you can be sure that youre the 'if all else fails' plan. If she thought you were the perfect man, your relationship would have started immediately, why wait? Waiting = putting you off = lukewarm interest at best. Women want to lock a good thing up when they meet one, they dont want to wait and risk you finding someone else. If a girl doesnt want to date you today, they wont tomorrow or the next day. 3. I think youve crossed the point of no return. You cant keep this woman in your life, right now, and be happy. You need some space away from her, I say at least a year. It seems shes been yo-yoing you for a while, kinda feeding you breadcrumbs because she knows you want more than just a friend. So, she'll say/do things to make you think she might want more, but listen to me - she NEVER will dude. I've been there, and she probably doesnt even realize how selfish and cruel it is, but its not worth it. You CANT be a friend to her right now, it just wont be fair to you. how will I know when I am ok to contact her again? When you dont care if you talk to her or not. When her life and what she does with it have no effect on your life and what you do with it. By that time, usually - you dont contact them. Let me know when/if you read that...
NopeNah Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It's ok to contact her when you no-longer care who she's seeing. You are correct in, that now is not the time to talk to her and are doing the best thing for yourself. Congrats on doing that!
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