LovieDove24 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 The other day I realized that my problem with relationships is that I put myself up on a pedastal to get guys attention. I don't like having flaws, in fact I loathe it. I want the approval of all and can weasel and charm my way in to just about any guys heart--even if he's not my type or isn't all that interesting. It's almost like a game I play for my confidence's sake. I can attract preppy guys, nerdy guys, hippie guys, you name it. My main goal is charming the pants off of them, and it typically works. Now I know that it sounds like I'm being cocky but I do realize the one giant flaw in all of this: I exude all this confidence but deep down I'm terrified, no petrified, that once I get the one thing I want the most (acceptance/approval) that he will get to know the real me and be dissapointed with all of my flaws. And so far thats usually the case. Guys enjoy dating me, but never stick around for the real deal. In the last four years I've had a string of two or three month relationships and nothing longer. I just can't get past that point of "courtship" and I don't understand. Now before you go telling me I'm a terrible person for "not being myself" with these guys, please think about how you're really on your best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. Is it that uncommon and how can I get a man to stick around once the flaws start to crack through? Please help, it is so defeating.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 You aren't a bad person, but from what you described, you sound like you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
Author LovieDove24 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 No I do not have that. I need approval from others because I was starved for it as a child. I was severly abandoned and didn't receive the kind of love I deserved. I know that this is what drives my need for approval from men. It's like I'm two people: the charming, confidant woman on the outside (who acts this way for acceptance purposes and not necessarily because she believes it to be true) and the cowering child on the inside. Its the inside person that needs to be changed I think. Boo.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It sounds like you do not feel worthy of genuine love. IMO, barring physical causes (related organic psychological disorders), cognitive therapy can teach you tools to present your authentic self to the world and to men in an open and confident manner. I've heard this story before, from someone who keeps pushing a good man away
Author LovieDove24 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Are you talking about your wife carhill?
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Nope. Someone I've known a lot longer. I don't necessarily mean 'push away' in a romantic sense. I can say that my wife was more emotionally distant than I found compatible long-term. As she put it, "that's something I can't give you". She probably didn't give it to her last two husbands either. Hopefully, she'll find someone who fits well with her. She really is a decent person
Author LovieDove24 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 You're right, deep down I do not feel worthy of true love. The paradox is that it is the one thing in live I need the most. I want it like I want a glass of water on a hot summer day. Its saddening AND maddening because I go through periods of life feeling GREAT about myself, being very optimistic and the whole lot. But it is never sustaining enough to get me the real deal. I know I'm still young but I'm starved for love. Not a good feeling to have.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 What you thirst for springs, literally like a natural spring, from within. Seek out love of self and, thusly, share that love with another. Feeling this energy transfer with a compatible partner is one aspect of a satisfying intimate relationship, but does not supplant that vital relationship with, and love of, self. You're right. You're young. This is your time to find that spring, so water will always fill your glass. Other people are not required
The Blue Pill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Who really thinks that people are perfect anyway? Everyone has faults, and I don't think people really care nearly as much as you think they do. So what if you burp out loud once in a while. We're human. Everybody poops.
Scottdmw Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I think you're on the right track recognizing that you have a desire for other people's approval and that getting it is an uncertain and unreliable thing. Everybody does this to some extent of course. It seems like there are two things you can do that might help. First, there is something to be said for self-approval. I'm not talking about the kind of thing where you just tell yourself you're a good person. In my experience it works a lot better if you try to become the type of person that you really admire. That is, figure out what you really believe is important in life and do those things, even if they are difficult. Especially if they are difficult, because the more you do difficult but to you worthwhile things, the more you will not be able to help but approve and admire those qualities in yourself. You can take or leave the second part, but I'm going to include it. I don't know how religious you are. As a believer myself, I think there is a lot to the idea that we are all made in such a way that we require the love and approval of God, in such a way that no matter what else we try to fill that void with it is unsuccessful. You might want to spend some time thinking about your beliefs about God, and whether you are living in accordance with them. The thing you would really want to watch out for here is if deep down you believe God exists and/or requires something of you, and you're not admitting it to yourself or doing it because it seems too difficult or you can't understand. If something like that is true, I would suggest looking into that issue. Best wishes, Scott
Author LovieDove24 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Thanks Scott I really liked your advice. Especially the part about becoming the type of person I admire. Just to ramble off a list in my head: I admire those who do service work who help those in need. Such as working at a homeless shelter or tutoring less fortunate children. I admire friends my age (early 20's) who don't go out and do the party thing very often and have goals in mind for their future. As far as the God thing goes...I'm a very spiritual person. I believe a lot of my unhappiness does (as you suggested) lie in the fact that I'm struggling with something I believe God wants me to do. Which is quit drinking. I'm at a difficult age, with lots of single friends, where going to a pub is the main form of socializing. Since I'm a single mother, I never get out much and the few times a month that I do, well darnit I wanna socialize! Its a real tough one for me. Because I don't want to date a man who drinks either, which is so hypocritical. Ahh I'm being brutally honest here and I don't like the words that are staring me in the face...
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Ahh I'm being brutally honest here and I don't like the words that are staring me in the face... I admire people who have the courage to be so self-honest, and who can look at their words even when they'd rather not. Well done, LD Wishing you many positive outcomes.
Eve Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I admire people who have the courage to be so self-honest, and who can look at their words even when they'd rather not. Well done, LD Wishing you many positive outcomes. Me too! and I can only second what Scott said.. Within my journey I had to let go off the hatred that I held for my mother before I could move on. It was only after this that I was able to start making authentic decisions. The anger took many years to die, especially as I am not one to show anger outwardly. Anger can be a dangerous thing. I used to have a drive or compulsion to try and find ways to accommodate others. Later on when faced with the challenges of living out my faith I discovered that I was actually being very fake because my actions were feeding a need rather than being part of the process of getting to know someone. Hope I explained that well. Once this idea that I was somehow already a good person was dispelled I was more able to hear God within myself and others. At first this was a painful process but a worthwhile phase that continues in new ways now. I am now the me that I wanted to be. That person on the inside .. and I dont hurt anymore. For this I give all credit to God. Take care, Eve xx
Scottdmw Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hey, you're welcome. It sure seems that being a single mother is no easy task all by itself! Hopefully you give yourself some pretty decent credit for doing the best you can there. Maybe you could look into finding some social outlets outside the pub. One that I really like is this site: http://www.meetup.com/ It has thousands of interest groups based on geographical area and I’ve found it a good way to meet new people. It is possible that a lot of the guys you are meeting are young, and may have issues with dating someone with children, the kind of thing where they try it out for a month or two and then get scared away. You might have better luck with slightly older guys. Has drinking been a problem for you in the past? When you say that you are spiritual and believe that God wants you to stop, do you spend any time praying for help in this area? Scott
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