Cora Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I guess I just have to change my way of thinking. I'm too busy trying not to make a fool of myself.
kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 That's adorable... don't worry, you won't. Seriously, just have fun! The most important thing I can say is to simply enjoy the moment. I had a girl back here at my place the other night, and we didn't have sex, but we did make out and we had a great time. Am I mad or upset b/c she didn't want to have sex? No way. I appreciate that moment.
boogieboy Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 When I give off flirty vibes, I think guys perceive me as "weird" or "intense." I can't win. How do you know what these guys are thinking? Did they tell you this? or are you just saying this to make excuses? If youre already talking to a guy you like, you should be flirting naturally. I wouldnt think you'd have to force yourself to flirt...do you?
boogieboy Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 How do you distinguish between a friendly smile and actual interest? For instance, I'm not sure whether to flirt back if I don't even know if the guy is flirting with me. He could just be making friendly chit chat with me and I'd rather not make a complete fool of myself by giving off signals that I'm interested. Ughh I'm definitely not a risk taker. This is a very interesting thread though. Dont think about it. If he takes the initiative to talk to you, hes most likely interested. Then he'll ask you for a number. If he doesnt then so be it. All you have to do is act intereted, or be interested in him and fun. Are there any women in this thread that actually has the balls to approach a man they like???
kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Are there any women in this thread that actually has the balls to approach a man they like??? Maybe not; and maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think the guy should do it, anyway.
IrishCarBomb Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Are there any women in this thread that actually has the balls to approach a man they like??? I've seen a lot of women who don't necessarily "approach", but they are the first to engage. They won't come out and explicitly say "I want to give you my number", but they'll either say innocuous little things or something else to get you talking to them. They're smart because they don't just sit and wait for things to happen, but they also don't take the "man's role".
tanbark813 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I was actually responding to tanbark's assertion that if your'e single, you have one of the "three things" wrong. *smacks forehead* That is not what I said at all. I said: "Anyone claiming "all the good ones are taken", or something along those lines..." I never said ALL single people. There are any number of reasons why someone might be single. Maybe you just broke up with someone and aren't ready to date. Maybe you have things going on in your life that make you not want to date. Etc, etc, etc... My "three things" list only goes for those people who claim that they CAN'T get a date and blame it wholly on the idea that "all the good ones are taken". Please don't put words in my mouth.
westernxer Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 people who claim that they CAN'T get a date and blame it wholly on the idea that "all the good ones are taken". That's the worst excuse of all time. LOL
tanbark813 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 That's the worst excuse of all time. LOL Agreed, my man.
monkey00 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I love the love Kizik! Men who are still single face the same challenge we women do: how to spot a single woman. If you appear unapproachable SP, then they're going to assume you're taken or, minimally, not interested in them. ! As a single guy, I do find this to be true. If a woman doesn't send off some kind of signal/vibe that she's interested, I usually would assume they're taken/not interested. Very rarely would I think they're shy. Although I know for a fact that there are a lot of great single ladies out there who are shy and still behave like every other woman that isn't interested in a guy. Personally I love a woman who knows how to flirt, smile, be playful, and even has the balls to ask me out. For sure though, dating is a #'s game. Maybe blame the city for which I live, but I've gone out to parties/gallery opening/speed dating/online dating/ bars/ bbq's...and through all this have met strangers and friends of friends. I've met women that were taken, not that into, seeing someone, etc. And I still put myself out there everyday. You just have to exhaust every possible opportunity to meet someone. As the saying goes, you only get back as much as you put in. Sometimes, you put in so much and get few returns - but hey who ever said life was fair?
Isolde Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I've seen a lot of women who don't necessarily "approach", but they are the first to engage. They won't come out and explicitly say "I want to give you my number", but they'll either say innocuous little things or something else to get you talking to them. They're smart because they don't just sit and wait for things to happen, but they also don't take the "man's role". Yes, this is the middle ground I'm trying to take. I mean, I've certainly done this before with guys I was genuinely interested in, so I know how to do it; it just didn't progress to them asking me out.
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The statement "all the good ones are taken" depends on what you think "good" is. For some women, "good" would be a guy of average attractiveness who doesn't cheat or lie, who has a steady job and is fun to be with. Other women think "good" only applies to someone with a professional job and a high salary, while others think that "good" applies to men who are well above average attractiveness, or to men who are intelligent enough to have two degrees and an ability to explain quantum theory. Some women (like me ) want it all: a cute intelligent guy with a professional career and a decent set of morals. Hence I'm almost thirty and still haven't found a guy who I'm completely happy with: such guys simply don't exist, and to some extent all the guys I meet seem to be a compromise on one or more of those factors. My current man is ok looking and very intelligent, he has a reasonable career and is a wonderful person who treats me well. In an ideal world he would be better looking and wouldn't come with an ex-wife and kids in tow, but you can't have everything. I hate to say this, but often you have to drop your standards on the less important things (looks, career, baggage) and focus on just finding a nice intelligent guy who is fun to be with... otherwise you'll end up alone.
monkey00 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, this is the middle ground I'm trying to take. I mean, I've certainly done this before with guys I was genuinely interested in, so I know how to do it; it just didn't progress to them asking me out. I find that this doesn't work too well in favor of the woman. The majority of the time when a woman takes the middle ground, I don't think much of it...honestly the thought of attraction just doesn't cross my mind. Guess you can call us guys thick-headed for this reason...
boogieboy Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I've seen a lot of women who don't necessarily "approach", but they are the first to engage. They won't come out and explicitly say "I want to give you my number", but they'll either say innocuous little things or something else to get you talking to them. They're smart because they don't just sit and wait for things to happen, but they also don't take the "man's role". That counts as an approach. Thats what I meant. No one goes up to anyone and says "i want to give you my number"...where did you get that from?
boogieboy Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, this is the middle ground I'm trying to take. I mean, I've certainly done this before with guys I was genuinely interested in, so I know how to do it; it just didn't progress to them asking me out. All about the numbers, you have to do it more often until you get a guy that is very interested. Me and my ex were barely in contact at work, I didnt really talk to her at all, but when she found out I was transferring to another station, she asked me for my number straight up. She was a bold one.
Epsilon Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I agree with the earlier post -- even shy girls tend to show SOME kind of interest. Otherwise I don't even bother.
LostLamb Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I'm now 30 and doubt i'll find someone who suited me as much as my ex but we all have to compromise. I won't compromise on intelligence , SOH and being slightly off kilter-everything else is open. I'd like my next partner to be at least 6ft but most men are shorter .
Sam Spade Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The statement "all the good ones are taken" depends on what you think "good" is. For some women, "good" would be a guy of average attractiveness who doesn't cheat or lie, who has a steady job and is fun to be with. Other women think "good" only applies to someone with a professional job and a high salary, while others think that "good" applies to men who are well above average attractiveness, or to men who are intelligent enough to have two degrees and an ability to explain quantum theory. Some women (like me ) want it all: a cute intelligent guy with a professional career and a decent set of morals. Hence I'm almost thirty and still haven't found a guy who I'm completely happy with: such guys simply don't exist, and to some extent all the guys I meet seem to be a compromise on one or more of those factors. My current man is ok looking and very intelligent, he has a reasonable career and is a wonderful person who treats me well. In an ideal world he would be better looking and wouldn't come with an ex-wife and kids in tow, but you can't have everything. I hate to say this, but often you have to drop your standards on the less important things (looks, career, baggage) and focus on just finding a nice intelligent guy who is fun to be with... otherwise you'll end up alone. Finally some words of sanity here . It's smart, plus only fair - I'm sure that you yourself are very cute and wonderful person, but I also bet you could use improvement along one dimension or another , we all can . As a guy I can vouch that in the dating world there is no bigger turn off than an entitled woman that demands a lot and brings nothing . I consider myself above average on most of the important dimensions typically mentioned, but I'm also an overbearing paternalistic azzhole, which understandably filters out some women. I could try to change (but why, I'm perfect? ), or be happy with the type of women I'm easily attracting right now .
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Finally some words of sanity here . It's smart, plus only fair - I'm sure that you yourself are very cute and wonderful person, but I also bet you could use improvement along one dimension or another , we all can . Yes, of course... I am reasonably good looking, with a good career and a good head on my shoulders, but I am notoriously undomesticated and I suck at keeping up with housework and laundry etc... my house is permanently untidy. I'm also rather lazy; I could climb higher in my career but I don't want to put in the extra hours... and I'm rather introverted, I spend most of my time lost in a book or video game... I would make a dreadful wife I also suffer terribly from stress and allergies. Previous bfs have complained about my flaws; however my current bf thinks my absent-mindedness is cute, and he doesn't mind me not doing housework because he's a clean freak anyway and he likes doing it himself. Having to adjust our eating habits because of my allergies doesn't bother him either; although I'm sure he'd rather have a gf who could go for a pizza and a beer with him, he likes me enough as a person to overlook those issues. I think the problem is that most people have a set list of criteria for a partner, and nobody ever matches exactly what they're looking for, they all fail on one criterion or another. So they think that there are no good men/women, which really means there's no-one who fits their specific blueprint. The truth is that people are individuals and need to be treated as such, and individuals have good points and bad points which all come as a package... you need to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone whose good points are good enough for you to overlook their bad points. Stop comparing people to your criteria and get to know them as individuals, then decide whether you like them without any prejudice or expectations.
sumdude Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think the problem is that most people have a set list of criteria for a partner, and nobody ever matches exactly what they're looking for, they all fail on one criterion or another. So they think that there are no good men/women, which really means there's no-one who fits their specific blueprint. The truth is that people are individuals and need to be treated as such, and individuals have good points and bad points which all come as a package... you need to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone whose good points are good enough for you to overlook their bad points. Stop comparing people to your criteria and get to know them as individuals, then decide whether you like them without any prejudice or expectations. Din, Ding, Ding! We have a winner! Case in point would be my last GF. We just ended it a couple days ago. A decent split, we'll still be freindly. Thing is that though we had a lot in common and usually got along well she just couldn't overlook a couple things about me that didn't fit her profile. Over and over she would just pick at those things overlooking the majority of good stuff. This was her attitude about almost everything in life. For example she found an apartment she could afford that had most of the qualities she wanted. Yet soon enough she started complaining constantly about the loud kids playing at the pool and every negative thing. Only focusing on what wasn't perfect. It's too bad, unless she changes her outlook in general she'll never be happy. I wish the best for her but am glad I won't have to listen to the constant complaining.
lovestruck818 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Takes way more than that to KEEP a good man. What I say is...looks attract, but personality keeps. You may get the guy based on looks alone, but if your personality sucks, he wont stick around.
Sam Spade Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Din, Ding, Ding! We have a winner! Case in point would be my last GF. We just ended it a couple days ago. A decent split, we'll still be freindly. Thing is that though we had a lot in common and usually got along well she just couldn't overlook a couple things about me that didn't fit her profile. Over and over she would just pick at those things overlooking the majority of good stuff. This was her attitude about almost everything in life. For example she found an apartment she could afford that had most of the qualities she wanted. Yet soon enough she started complaining constantly about the loud kids playing at the pool and every negative thing. Only focusing on what wasn't perfect. It's too bad, unless she changes her outlook in general she'll never be happy. I wish the best for her but am glad I won't have to listen to the constant complaining. Classic, and makes me realise how happy I am. 1) I have a gf whose philosphy on life is similar to Thorton's (i.e. if things on average are good, no need to obsess over the small stuff); 2) all I have to "overlook" in her is the way she walks and her taste for silly romance novels It is amazing over what ridiculous 'small' stuff people get rejected ;
Kamille Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think the biggest thing wrong with your dating life is the fact that you think something is wrong with it. So friggin true! In my twenties, I thought there was 1) something wrong with my dating life or 2) something wrong with me or 3) both of the above. I stopped focusing on what I "didn't" have, started focusing on what was working for me and now both me (an average looking woman with a decent brain) and my dating life are doing much better. Moral of the story: stop trying to figure it out, stop focusing on yourself and start looking outwards: meet people! Who cares if they end up being friends or a date? Which leads me to all the comments women made about appearing like fools if they flirt with guys... Really??? You think a guy is going to react like an 8 year old if a woman is friendly and flirtatious with him? ("eewww cooties!") Come on! I've come to realize that men are a lot less harsh on women then women are on men. In my experience, no man has ever shot me down the way I've seen women shoot down men. Maybe that's the problem... You girls might think men will react the way you react and think when a guy you're not attracted approaches you? Do you think the men who approach you are fools?
kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I've come to realize that men are a lot less harsh on women then women are on men. In my experience, no man has ever shot me down the way I've seen women shoot down men. Kamille, I just want to say that I really appreciate the levelheadedness you bring to this site. So encouraging to see a non-bitter woman who actually understands, or at least cares to understand, the mentality of a guy. Marriage material!
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 It doesn't help that the guys I've dated often seemed more interested in the way I look than my personality. Of course they got to know me and liked the things I had to say, but when it came to complimenting me or waxing poetic about me it was always related to my appearance. I even had a few of them say "I wouldn't put up with you if you weren't so pretty." I don't think I'm as attractive as I was when I was 19 or 20, so it doesn't really matter now.There's an easy way to figure this out, once you've spent a little time with them and aren't fully invested yet. Just ask them what they value in women and how it corresponds to you. Do this out of the blue, so they don't expect it. Once you've ascertained what their value system is, you can decide how far you're willing to go with this person. This is something I used to battle with but now realize that it's totally up to me to decide what I'm willing to put with and what's not acceptable.
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