kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Actually, the more I'm interested in him the more I avoid it. I guess that doesn't make much sense huh? It's like the hotter the guy is the more I look away and avoid his eyes. I'm sitting there thinking "oh gawd he is way outta my league, must look away before he notices I'm interested." I just completely freak out! I am so self conscious it's pathetic. Most of the time when I see a guy staring at me I'm like "oh crap! what the heck do I have on my face now?" I become mortified. I don't know why I think this way and I'm trying to change it. I hate that I give off signals that I'm not interested when I really am. So many lost opportunities.....sigh. I actually understand this, very much. Our instinct is self-protection, and I've often heard before from girls that they avoid looking at the guys they're most attracted to. This leads to confusion for us guys - we have to look for that "not looking". What a f*cking mess, this whole thing we call dating...
Thornton Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The whole eye contact thing....I avoid it at all costs. It's not that I'm not interested in the guy. Actually, the more I'm interested in him the more I avoid it. I guess that doesn't make much sense huh? It's like the hotter the guy is the more I look away and avoid his eyes. I'm sitting there thinking "oh gawd he is way outta my league, must look away before he notices I'm interested." I just completely freak out! I am so self conscious it's pathetic. Most of the time when I see a guy staring at me I'm like "oh crap! what the heck do I have on my face now?" I become mortified. I don't know why I think this way and I'm trying to change it. I hate that I give off signals that I'm not interested when I really am. So many lost opportunities.....sigh. Sounds like a self esteem issue to me. When I look at a guy, I assume he'll be flattered that a pretty girl (me) is showing an interest. I never think he would be embarrassed, or that he's out of my league. You look at yourself and think a guy would be embarrassed if he thought you liked him... I was like that when I was younger, and it was because I was bullied at school and the other kids would tease someone and say "Eeeww! Thornton has the hots for you!" even if I didn't, so I got the message that being liked by me was obviously something disgusting to be embarrassed about. It took me a lot of years to get over that and realise I am nice looking and guys are flattered when I show them attention.
Author shadowplay Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 It took me a lot of years to get over that and realise I am nice looking and guys are flattered when I show them attention. But what if you have the opposite experience? As I wrote earlier in the thread a grown man acted just like that (eww, cooties! reaction) when he found out I liked him. I told my therapist at the time that I felt like he was thinking that and she just looked at me blankly (didn't say anything).
kizik Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 a grown man acted just like that (eww, cooties! reaction) when he found out I liked him. That's a little boy, sweetie, not a grown man.
Star Gazer Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 ....specifically avoiding it and are in don't-rape-me mode. I find that interesting. I've always been taught that making eye contact (in the right way) sends the message of "Don't f**k with me, dude" (strong), whereas looking away like a scaredy cat says, "Oh no, don't hurt me" (weak).
Isolde Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I think the problem is that most people have a set list of criteria for a partner, and nobody ever matches exactly what they're looking for, they all fail on one criterion or another. So they think that there are no good men/women, which really means there's no-one who fits their specific blueprint. This is true sometimes, but not always. Sometimes people genuinely just have trouble meeting good people that they are at least somewhat attracted to.
Isolde Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I find that interesting. I've always been taught that making eye contact (in the right way) sends the message of "Don't f**k with me, dude" (strong), whereas looking away like a scaredy cat says, "Oh no, don't hurt me" (weak). I agree. I make far more eye contact when I am feeling strong than when I'm feeling down or tired.
tanbark813 Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I find that interesting. I've always been taught that making eye contact (in the right way) sends the message of "Don't f**k with me, dude" (strong), whereas looking away like a scaredy cat says, "Oh no, don't hurt me" (weak). I agree that that's how they come across. Not all people follow that though.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I agree. I make far more eye contact when I am feeling strong than when I'm feeling down or tired. Yeah, it's totally true. Body language is huge, and like they say, the eyes say it all. Eyes to front (not down or averted) Police reports confirm that a potential attacker will often "test" you through eye contact. If you show submissiveness by looking down or to the side, you may find yourself mugged. Likewise, criminals have told researchers that they prefer to attack people who are looking down. This is such a common attribute of mugging victims that psychologists have labeled it the "downcast demeanor". Keeping your eyes forward is a sign of attention and intent. If a person acts distracted, with behavior such as brooding, staring at the sidewalk, searching through a purse or bag, or reading a map, Joel Kirsch, a consultant with the Los Angeles Police Dept., found he/she were more likely to be attacked. Another cue that assailants seem to notice is head and eye movement. People with exaggerated or furtive eye movements or sweeping side-to-side head movements - which may imply fear, preoccupation, or being off guard - are more likely to be assaulted. http://www.armchair.com/defense/bw/bw9.html
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 But what if you have the opposite experience? As I wrote earlier in the thread a grown man acted just like that (eww, cooties! reaction) when he found out I liked him. I told my therapist at the time that I felt like he was thinking that and she just looked at me blankly (didn't say anything). Do YOU think "ewww, cooties!" when ANYONE likes you? Probably not, right? It's always flattering, no matter who it is.
Thornton Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 But what if you have the opposite experience? As I wrote earlier in the thread a grown man acted just like that (eww, cooties! reaction) when he found out I liked him. Did he actually say that, or did you assume? If he did react like that, he's extremely impolite and his opinions are not worth considering anyway. I assure you, if you go out and hit on a few men you will probably get an overwhelmingly positive response. If someone doesn't like you, there are plenty of others who will!
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Do YOU think "ewww, cooties!" when ANYONE likes you? Probably not, right? It's always flattering, no matter who it is. No, but I think some men are different. If they don't like a woman who they think is interested in them they'll treat her like she has a disease. Note I said some, not all.
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 No, but I think some men are different. If they don't like a woman who they think is interested in them they'll treat her like she has a disease. Note I said some, not all. Do you honestly care about those that would behave/think that way? Honestly?
Star Gazer Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 No, but I think some men are different. Also, men have egos too. Big ones. Huge. Often bigger than ours. They love the ego strokes, even when the interest isn't returned. They really do.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Did he actually say that, or did you assume? If he did react like that, he's extremely impolite and his opinions are not worth considering anyway. I assure you, if you go out and hit on a few men you will probably get an overwhelmingly positive response. If someone doesn't like you, there are plenty of others who will! Yes and no. He asked me to hang out because he was in town and we hadn't seen each other for a few years. We barely knew each other to begin with, so I was a bit taken aback and took it as sign of at least mild interest. I was a bit flirty, and he was really rude. Would barely look me the eye, gave short answers to my questions, didn't ask me about myself, didn't smile. Then when we parted he literally said "see you around," turned around and walked away quickly. This is after we hadn't seen each other in five years and probably never would again. I thought I was overreacting, but then later when I emailed him about his behavior he explained that he was getting "weird vibes" from me, that he took it at the time as "our energies being off," but later those "vibes" made sense to him when I told him explicitly that I liked him. It still hurts me to think about, because that's my only experience with that approach and it was on a guy whom I really liked. I keep analyzing his actions in retrospect. I really, really wish I could just put it behind me. It's stupid, I know. Also had the same experience as you did as a kid. I was never popular with the guys. They would say "ew" if they thought that I liked them , so I became expert at concealing it. I would freak out if a guy I liked caught me making eye contact with him. Let me ask guys on here this. If a girl you don't like is flirtatious with you, will you act rude or unfriendly to her? Will you be totally uncomfortable? Let's assume this girl isn't hideous or obese but just not your type for some reason (maybe her personality). How do you act?
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Do you honestly care about those that would behave/think that way? Honestly? It's not as simple as yes or no for me. Part of me is like "f them." But if I already like the guy and he turns out like that, it hurts.
kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Let me ask guys on here this. If a girl you don't like is flirtatious with you, will you act rude or unfriendly to her? Will you be totally uncomfortable? Let's assume this girl isn't hideous or obese but just not your type for some reason (maybe her personality). How do you act? I act polite, but a bit reserved. I don't tell her I'll call her. I find a way out of the conversation and kindly wish her a good night.
WineCountry Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I'm not talking about the women, I'm talking about the guys falling in love with the women. Saying, "I'm too smart and pretty for guys to be interested in/approach/date me" is a just... silly. It's an excuse. There's something else going on. Could be that you're just not putting yourself out there. Could be that you're shy, or have weird body language. Could be a number of things. But guys LIKE attractive, smart women. To say otherwise is just plain silly. Star, what IS it with you?? Why is it SO hard for you to believe that there are men out there who ARE intimidated or put off by women in certain positions, or status, even looks, etc...fill in the blanks. You CANNOT speak for all women, and frankly, the fact that you do so pisses me off. To tell women that its an excuse when they say some men are intimidated by them makes it seems like you think you know the lives/thoughts/opinions of EVERY woman or man out there. Im telling you..I HAVE had men who were friendly, etc.. willing to talk to me, whatever, UNTIL they found out what I did for a living. Dont TELL me its an excuse when it HAS happened to me MORE than once. It's INSULTING. Im certainly NOT saying that ALL men are like that. They are not. But, there is no way you can say that there are no men in this world who are intimdated by certain things about women. I have even seen MEN on here admit that some men are like that. I even have male friends that will admit to some feelings like that about certain women. And no matter how friendly, approachable you are, it doesnt change things. Just because YOU have not experienced that does not mean that others dont. Hell, I have never been the victim of domestic abuse, but it sure does exist, doesnt it? Again, im not saying ALL men are like that. They are NOT. But SOME are. And yes, SOME women who say that MAY have OTHER things going on with them that make it harder for them to meet men. Understood. BUT..that was not the point. The point was you saying that any woman who says she has had men seem put off or intimidated by her job, status, etc are just making excuses. THAT is NOT true, and its not fair to say. Unfortunately, there ARE some men out there like that. If you have been lucky enough not to run into them, good for you.
Stockalone Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Let me ask guys on here this. If a girl you don't like is flirtatious with you, will you act rude or unfriendly to her? Will you be totally uncomfortable? Let's assume this girl isn't hideous or obese but just not your type for some reason (maybe her personality). How do you act? When women who weren't my physical type approached me, I was still flattered that someone was interested in me because I know how scary it can be to approach strangers. And I did secretly wish that one day a woman who is my type would approach me. Nonetheless, I'll be polite but not encourage them or flirt back. If she is direct about her intentions, then I will tell her that I am flattered but not interested. But it is possible that I appear to be rude. That could happen when I am preoccupied and don't even notice that she is trying to flirt with me. In that case, I might be giving short answers without thinking too much about it. But that is unintentional and I am not trying to be mean, or appear like I am blowing her off.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 When women who weren't my physical type approached me, I was still flattered that someone was interested in me because I know how scary it can be to approach strangers. And I did secretly wish that one day a woman who is my type would approach me. Nonetheless, I'll be polite but not encourage them or flirt back. If she is direct about her intentions, then I will tell her that I am flattered but not interested. But it is possible that I appear to be rude. That could happen when I am preoccupied and don't even notice that she is trying to flirt with me. In that case, I might be giving short answers without thinking too much about it. But that is unintentional and I am not trying to be mean, or appear like I am blowing her off. Would you ever blow off a woman who was your physical type but something about her personality rubbed you the wrong way?
Ariadne Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Hey guys, Here I found an article. The Eligible-Bachelor ParadoxHow economics and game theory explain the shortage of available, appealing men: http://www.slate.com/id/2188684/ "The shortage of appealing men is a century-plus-old commonplace of the society melodrama. The shortage—or—more exactly, the perception of a shortage—becomes evident as you hit your late 20s and more acute as you wander into the 30s. Some men explain their social fortune by believing they've become more attractive with age; many women prefer the far likelier explanation that male faults have become easier to overlook." "The problem of the eligible bachelor is one of the great riddles of social life. Shouldn't there be about as many highly eligible and appealing men as there are attractive, eligible women?" "Actually, no—and here's why." "In fact, game theory predicts, and empirical studies of auctions bear out, that auctions will often be won by "weak" bidders" "with a lot at stake in getting it right in one shot, it's the women who are confident that they are holding a strong hand who are likely to hold out and wait for the perfect prospect." "This is how you come to the Eligible-Bachelor Paradox, which is no longer so paradoxical. The pool of appealing men shrinks as many are married off and taken out of the game, leaving a disproportionate number of men who are notably imperfect (perhaps they are short, socially awkward, underemployed). And at the same time, you get a pool of women weighted toward the attractive, desirable "strong bidders." "Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them—and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness."
kizik Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Hey guys, Here I found an article. The Eligible-Bachelor ParadoxHow economics and game theory explain the shortage of available, appealing men: http://www.slate.com/id/2188684/ "The shortage of appealing men is a century-plus-old commonplace of the society melodrama. The shortage—or—more exactly, the perception of a shortage—becomes evident as you hit your late 20s and more acute as you wander into the 30s. Some men explain their social fortune by believing they've become more attractive with age; many women prefer the far likelier explanation that male faults have become easier to overlook." "The problem of the eligible bachelor is one of the great riddles of social life. Shouldn't there be about as many highly eligible and appealing men as there are attractive, eligible women?" "Actually, no—and here's why." "In fact, game theory predicts, and empirical studies of auctions bear out, that auctions will often be won by "weak" bidders" "with a lot at stake in getting it right in one shot, it's the women who are confident that they are holding a strong hand who are likely to hold out and wait for the perfect prospect." "This is how you come to the Eligible-Bachelor Paradox, which is no longer so paradoxical. The pool of appealing men shrinks as many are married off and taken out of the game, leaving a disproportionate number of men who are notably imperfect (perhaps they are short, socially awkward, underemployed). And at the same time, you get a pool of women weighted toward the attractive, desirable "strong bidders." "Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them—and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness." Interesting article, but I still maintain that it's a matter of perspective and attitude. The problem with your article is that it's a mathematical explanation put in place to justify one's own discomfort with flirting with men. You can go on and on all day, but women who aren't obese, and who are midway attractive, WILL get hit on.
Author shadowplay Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 .......................... Looks like my location has a 3/4 ratio of single men to single women.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 .......................... yeah yeah yeah i suck and your perfect i want to bite and kiss you
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