If a dumper wanted you back, wud they REALLY let you know?

[BCCA]

I agree they don't usually work out. I also think that's why we have a decent chance of getting back together. We're too stupid to know any better. Im young and willing to make that gamble whether good or bad.

 

I disagree on the breakup bringing out the worst in eachother. I see how it could, but neither of our claws came out. I guess that's why I'm able to forgive her and myself so easily.

 

I wish you the best of luck my man. I'd like to see where your head is at in a couple months, it would be an interesting read if youre still around. Its funny the stages you go through after the breakup. As different as we all pretend we are, we're all wired the same way.

[jmason2056]

I wish you the best of luck my man. I'd like to see where your head is at in a couple months, it would be an interesting read if youre still around. Its funny the stages you go through after the breakup. As different as we all pretend we are, we're all wired the same way.

 

Either way I think I'm gonna be way ahead of the curve. I don't think many people deal with a major breakup when they're 20 years old. I'll be more prepared if it unfortunately happens again.

 

I plan to not need this site anymore, but if I remember I'll try to update.

[CaliGuy]

OK, this is just something that has been nagging me. I am interested in people's opinions without being sure myself but...

 

...I have heard a lot of advice on this forum and the advice is brilliant, generally. However, I have read advice from people on so many occasions that says that if the dumper wants you back, they will do anything to tell you and try to get you back. This seems to be accepted wisdom and I think I would like to challenge it.

 

Imagine, you are in NC (I'm trying to be but my ex keeps contacting, mainly about the flat we shared together). We are told that the NC is for us to heal, and unless the dumper says "I made a mistake, I want you back" we should ignore them.

 

However, the situation is fraught and full of uncertainty. Uncertainty that the dumper too must surely be feeling.

 

Imagine again, the dumper feels guilty, maybe they made a mistake in dumping you. YOU, on the other hand, have disappeared off the face of the earth. They feel like you are angry with them and they feel that it is TOO LATE. Why would they contact you if they felt like this.

 

A dumped person may want their ex back MORE THAN ANYTHING, but are going NC and biting their tongue and trying really hard to not let their ex know. Could not the same happen to the dumper?

 

Also, people leave other people for loads of reasons. The spark has gone, they have found someone new. Fair enough, my point doesnt work in these instances.

 

But other relationship break downs maybe more vague.

 

Total NC advocates say that NC is to heal and MAYBE to get an ex back (certainly the best chance). But a dumper who has made a mistake or has second thoughts would surely feel that there is no way back when faced with NC from the dumped.

 

I probably could have written this in half as many words but I think I got my point across! Ha!

 

Interested in anyone's thoughts.

 

If an ex really wants you back, and I've said this a million times, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you and telling you.

 

They would not occasionally send an email or a text or a flirty IM. They'd be beating down your front door to tell you.

 

Anything less is simply them trying to gain validation. Anything less than FULL FORCE is breadcrumbs.

 

Period.

[ON MY OWN]

This is a great thread. All the posters have validity to their points. There are different life experiences tied in with these thoughts. Second chances CAN be done but the odds are against it unfortunately. If two people are at the right time in their lives and their heart is TRULY in it and they are BOTH willing to work for it, anything IS possible, probable maybe not so much, but possible yes. Once again like any relationship and even more so for the second time around takes mutual work on BOTH parts. Peoples minds have to follow their hearts as well. They have to have the mindset along with their heart being invested in it as well. Great posts everyone. There are definite patterns of dumpers and dumpees that are all alike. I agree about us all being wired the same. We all have basic needs and wants and the need to fulfill them.

[bitteorca]

I was the dumper, but then she told me she didn't want me back after I thought we would be back together (she wanted me back after I dumped her). So, in a way, I am now the dumped! So I know my situation is probably a little more complicated than someone just leaving, but I let my ex know exactly how I felt. I wrote her a letter and made it clear on the phone a couple of times. Now I'm going NC, for my own good, but also not to pressurise her in any way and drive her further away. I suppose my point is, from the original post, that I have let it be clear that she can contact me if she ever wanted me back. She's agreed to this and promised me (I didn't have to force this out btw) that she would, even if I had a gf or vice versa. But I'm also going NC. I suppose its like a happy medium. If I went NC straight away, I have no doubts that it would just seem like I didn't care in the slightest. But maybe that is just my situation. I am happy that she knows all my emotions and feelings, but I am strong enough not to contact her or pretend to be friends

[sedgwick]

No one is willing to forgive their ex for leaving them even though they probably made the ex leave in the first place.

 

I feel certain I didn't "make" my ex leave. I worked hard to give him love, compassion, and encouragement. I adored him and let him know that. I was always willing to work on any problems we had and listen to his side of things. I made a conscious effort not to nag or pick fights. He told me on several occasions that I treated him better than any of his girlfriends ever had. But that didn't stop him from waking up one day and giving me a lame excuse and walking out the door never to be seen again. He knew without a doubt that I was open to discussing any issues in a rational and loving manner.

 

To answer the OP's question, I once dumped someone and then decided I wanted him back. I went to him with a sincere apology, asked his forgiveness, and told him I still loved him and wanted to work things out. That is why, if my ex ever wanted me back, he would have to do the same. If you really care about someone, that's the least you can do. They shouldn't have to chase you -- in fact, if he had chased me, I probably wouldn't have missed him and realized what I lost.

[jmason2056]

I feel certain I didn't "make" my ex leave. I worked hard to give him love, compassion, and encouragement. I adored him and let him know that. I was always willing to work on any problems we had and listen to his side of things. I made a conscious effort not to nag or pick fights. He told me on several occasions that I treated him better than any of his girlfriends ever had. But that didn't stop him from waking up one day and giving me a lame excuse and walking out the door never to be seen again. He knew without a doubt that I was open to discussing any issues in a rational and loving manner.

 

To answer the OP's question, I once dumped someone and then decided I wanted him back. I went to him with a sincere apology, asked his forgiveness, and told him I still loved him and wanted to work things out. That is why, if my ex ever wanted me back, he would have to do the same. If you really care about someone, that's the least you can do. They shouldn't have to chase you -- in fact, if he had chased me, I probably wouldn't have missed him and realized what I lost.

 

In your case I agree that he needs to make the effort and come back to you. If you feel you did nothing wrong then its his fault and his loss. In my case I didn't appreciate her enough and drove her away. Unfortunately it took a breakup to kick my !@# in gear. I don't expect her to come back to me and ask me back cuz she expects me to act the same. The most she will do is sniff around to see if I change.

 

Different circumstances require different reconciliation actions.

[BCCA]

In your case I agree that he needs to make the effort and come back to you. If you feel you did nothing wrong then its his fault and his loss. In my case I didn't appreciate her enough and drove her away. Unfortunately it took a breakup to kick my !@# in gear. I don't expect her to come back to me and ask me back cuz she expects me to act the same. The most she will do is sniff around to see if I change.

 

Different circumstances require different reconciliation actions.

 

 

I'll make a bet with you, if in 6 months you feel the same way, I'll send you $100. No risk on your part, just be honest. If I win, you owe me nothing but a 'you were right'.

 

The reason Im saying that is because as different as we try to pretend all our relationships and circumstances, they are actually all pretty much the same at the core.

 

I think youre at the bartering stage, or some variation, and are trying to rationalize to yourself that your situation is different, because thats an easier pill to swallow. If you think im just bitter, look up some posts of mine from about 9-10 months. They were almost identical to yours, both in concept and the feeling behind them.

 

No matter what else you want to believe, believe this: no one walks away from someone they see value in, period. You can come up with any number of reasons why she left you, truth be told, youll never really know for sure. The key is that she left you. She didnt try and work things out, ask you to go to counseling, or ask you for any sort of comprimise. She bailed. Dude, I felt the EXACT same way, and people disagreed with me, and I got so pissed. But seriously - its true.

 

People dont dump you because you dont appreciate them enough, they dump you because they think they would be better off with someone else. Especially women, 999/1000 times there is another guy in the wings. Like I said, give it 6 months and youll feel totally different about all of this stuff.

 

Ask CaliGuy how bad I was when I first got here, and how far I've come. When you get a chance to back away and see things with a clearer head, you see how black and white it all really is.

[jmason2056]

I'll make a bet with you, if in 6 months you feel the same way, I'll send you $100. No risk on your part, just be honest. If I win, you owe me nothing but a 'you were right'.

 

The reason Im saying that is because as different as we try to pretend all our relationships and circumstances, they are actually all pretty much the same at the core.

 

I think youre at the bartering stage, or some variation, and are trying to rationalize to yourself that your situation is different, because thats an easier pill to swallow. If you think im just bitter, look up some posts of mine from about 9-10 months. They were almost identical to yours, both in concept and the feeling behind them.

 

No matter what else you want to believe, believe this: no one walks away from someone they see value in, period. You can come up with any number of reasons why she left you, truth be told, youll never really know for sure. The key is that she left you. She didnt try and work things out, ask you to go to counseling, or ask you for any sort of comprimise. She bailed. Dude, I felt the EXACT same way, and people disagreed with me, and I got so pissed. But seriously - its true.

 

People dont dump you because you dont appreciate them enough, they dump you because they think they would be better off with someone else. Especially women, 999/1000 times there is another guy in the wings. Like I said, give it 6 months and youll feel totally different about all of this stuff.

 

Ask CaliGuy how bad I was when I first got here, and how far I've come. When you get a chance to back away and see things with a clearer head, you see how black and white it all really is.

 

How is it all black and white? Everyone's situation is obviously different.

 

I will however heed your warning. My rollercoaster ride is winding down. I'm to the point where I'm just getting tired of caring and overanalyzing every detail. I'm hoping this feeling last for awhile. I actually talked to her on the phone last night and for the first time I didn't have the emotional highs and lows from interacting with her. I was just indifferent which I think is good.

 

I can't say I agree with all of your ideas, but I do value them. It's good to have someone with pessimism to counter my optimisim. It keeps me grounded.

 

I don't disagree with the fact that she lost value in me. I was a sad excuse 3 months ago. I lost touch with most of my friends, didn't get out and do anything interesting, and i was just content with going to work and staying at home.

 

I do know the reasons for the breakup though. We sat down a week after the breakup and she laid them all out. Pretty sure she didn't leave any out cuz there were more than I could count, some stupid but most weren't. It was eye opening for me. It was a good kick in !@# for me. I realized I wasn't happy with myself and it helped me get me back. I started getting my life and friends back. That's why I don't blame her for the breakup. It was actually good for me however painful it was.

 

I can't say she'll want to try again. I honestly think she will eventually though. We're still friends and she's still attracted to me. I think it's only a matter of time before those 2 start working in my favor. She didn't admit it, but I know the long distance was an issue as well. Me being back in town probably won't hurt.

 

I doubt another guy is involved. I'll let you know if I'm wrong though. The thing is I can see myself dating other girls, but I'd rather take another chance with her right now. I think that's a good place to be at for now. I do hope you're right though. 6 months from now I plan to be completely over her or dating her again. Not in this optimistic limbo I'm currently in.

[WiseOne1]

In life without LoveShack there seems to be more second chances given, I"ve been here on Loveshack for about 4 years, and I"ve seen probably 15 Reconciliations since I been here.

 

Now one thing to remember is that most of these people here that get there ex back never return, they disappear and only come back until they get there heart broken by someone else.

 

You also have the people here that just stay around helping others cope with there issues, what im saying is that it seems that life without LS really does make it seem like LS might be hendering alot of peoples chances of getting back with there ex.

 

Maybe its the NC that people attempt that causes some people never to get back with there ex, because from personal experience, and I have friends of every diffrent race, religion, in diffrent countries, in diffrent states, "lol I travel alot" and outside of this LS thread it seems very rare that ex's dont get back together.

[WiseOne1]

And I agree that with women its a 99% chance, and I really mean that its a 99% chance that they always has somebody else in the wings, it might be a guy thats been flirting, it might be a guy thats shes already dating, it might be a guy that shes only FWB with, but it'll also be very very rare like winning the lotto rare that she won't have a new guy in the wings before she breaks up with you.

[BCCA]

How is it all black and white? Everyone's situation is obviously different

 

The people involved are different, and circumstances arent always exactly the same, but Im telling you - human motivation and behavior are very close to the same in most cases. It seems different now, but like I said, when you have time to reflect, it will seem less unique.

 

It's good to have someone with pessimism to counter my optimisim

 

Its not just pessimism, its mostly experience. Like I tell people all the time, when youve seen the same thing happen over and over again, same results, you start to realize the pattern.

 

I can't say she'll want to try again. I honestly think she will eventually though. We're still friends and she's still attracted to me. I think it's only a matter of time before those 2 start working in my favor. She didn't admit it, but I know the long distance was an issue as well. Me being back in town probably won't hurt.

 

I wish you well, but Im warning you - just assuming its over and moving on is your best bet. You wont do it, I know I didnt, but just think back to this later, and remember what I said.

 

Also, youre not friends. You have some sort of LC relationship, but its not a mutually beneficial situation you would find in most friendships. Youre only her friend because you want her back, she knows that. If she made it crystal clear she would never be romantic with you again, I have to wonder how interested in this friendship you would be.

 

Not in this optimistic limbo I'm currently in.

 

Hope dies last, and with it, usually any positive thoughts you had about the person. And remember, youre in limbo because youre allowing yourself to be.

 

I"ve been here on Loveshack for about 4 years, and I"ve seen probably 15 Reconciliations since I been here.

 

Ive been here a year and seen none.

 

Now one thing to remember is that most of these people here that get there ex back never return, they disappear and only come back until they get there heart broken by someone else.

 

More likely, they meet someone else.

 

outside of this LS thread it seems very rare that ex's dont get back together

 

There is a 4% chance that a couple dating for longer than a year will break up and get back together for longer than a year. Its not made up, read over any case study on couples you can find. Its not very likely that couples get back together at all, at least for good. Getting back together for 2 months is a waste of 2 months when it doesnt work out in the end.

 

And I agree that with women its a 99% chance, and I really mean that its a 99% chance that they always has somebody else in the wings, it might be a guy thats been flirting, it might be a guy thats shes already dating, it might be a guy that shes only FWB with, but it'll also be very very rare like winning the lotto rare that she won't have a new guy in the wings before she breaks up with you.

 

Women are notorious bet-hedger's. They usually only bail once theyve officially gotten over you, and at the least have another outlet for getting attention/laid. In almost every situation Ive seen personally, the girl leaves a guy and is either intimate with or dating another guy within a week. Cant blame people for not wanting to dwell, but its a cold reality for some guys hoping for a second chance.

[CaliGuy]

The people involved are different, and circumstances arent always exactly the same, but Im telling you - human motivation and behavior are very close to the same in most cases. It seems different now, but like I said, when you have time to reflect, it will seem less unique.

 

Psychological behavior isn't an exact science but there are general patterns in relationships that can be categorized similarly. You are quite correct here.

 

Its not just pessimism, its mostly experience. Like I tell people all the time, when youve seen the same thing happen over and over again, same results, you start to realize the pattern.

 

Yup. Doesn't always happen in the same exact way but ultimately the results are the same.

 

I wish you well, but Im warning you - just assuming its over and moving on is your best bet. You wont do it, I know I didnt, but just think back to this later, and remember what I said.

 

He hasn't graduated from the "School of Hard Knocks" yet so, like many people in his position, he is going to have to learn the hard way first. People want to hang on to hope when there is little to no sign of hope anywhere, expecting their situation to unique and different from everyone else's. We know that's never the case but he'll have to learn it on his own.

 

Admittedly, it's very hard to take advice when your heart is making decisions your brain really should be making. It takes a lot of self-respect and discipline to listen to and HEED the advice and experience of others.

 

Also, youre not friends. You have some sort of LC relationship, but its not a mutually beneficial situation you would find in most friendships. Youre only her friend because you want her back, she knows that. If she made it crystal clear she would never be romantic with you again, I have to wonder how interested in this friendship you would be.

 

Right. This is called a WIN/LOSE situation. She WINS because she relieves her guilt ("Oh he's my friend so I don't have to feel guilty!") and he loses because he's being fed breadcrumbs thinking there is some hope of reconciliation. He needs to turn this into a win/win situation and that can only be accomplished through NO CONTACT. With NC, she wins because she gets to miss him and WONDER what he is up to and how he is doing (instead of him being her "buddy" and never letting her wonder) and he win because he gets time and space away from her to get his life back in order and rebuild his confidence and self-esteem.

 

There is a 4% chance that a couple dating for longer than a year will break up and get back together for longer than a year. Its not made up, read over any case study on couples you can find. Its not very likely that couples get back together at all, at least for good. Getting back together for 2 months is a waste of 2 months when it doesnt work out in the end.

 

I'm not sure of the exact odds but I would say that if you break up and reconcile within 6 months the odds are pretty good. After 6 months the odds of a reconciliation are very, very slim. However, I do think that with a lot of time apart (more than a year) and people growing and maturing there COULD be a chance the reconciliation would work if the problems that caused the breakup in the first place are resolved.

 

Women are notorious bet-hedger's. They usually only bail once theyve officially gotten over you, and at the least have another outlet for getting attention/laid. In almost every situation Ive seen personally, the girl leaves a guy and is either intimate with or dating another guy within a week. Cant blame people for not wanting to dwell, but its a cold reality for some guys hoping for a second chance.

 

Amen to this one. Women start pulling away from a man long before they actually do the "deed" and normally have someone lined up. The pulling-away (red flags) help them emotionally detach so they a) are able to break things off cleanly and b) open to meeting someone new. In fact, the sooner they meet someone the faster the detachment happens. They need someone to fill the void (loneliness). Men do this too but it's usually spur of the moment and ends up as a cheating situation.

 

The sooner one accepts that the reationship is truly over the sooner the healing begins and a NEW relationship can start.

[BCCA]

I'm not sure of the exact odds but I would say that if you break up and reconcile within 6 months the odds are pretty good. After 6 months the odds of a reconciliation are very, very slim. However, I do think that with a lot of time apart (more than a year) and people growing and maturing there COULD be a chance the reconciliation would work if the problems that caused the breakup in the first place are resolved.

 

The case studies I always use for refference could be somewhat off from 'typical' couples, just because youre talking about people who either went to see a counsler, or agreed to participate in a research study. An argument could be made that they may not represent the 'average' couple, but I wouldnt think the numbers were too far off.

 

Youre right about the 6 month thing, though. Like NoFoolin said, if its been longer than 4 months, youre going to need a 100 yard TD pass to win. And after that, so much time has passed, you wonder what you would even say to eachother. I seriously couldnt imagine what a conversation with my ex would be like, but Im not interested anyway.

 

Amen to this one. Women start pulling away from a man long before they actually do the "deed" and normally have someone lined up. The pulling-away (red flags) help them emotionally detach so they a) are able to break things off cleanly and b) open to meeting someone new. In fact, the sooner they meet someone the faster the detachment happens. They need someone to fill the void (loneliness). Men do this too but it's usually spur of the moment and ends up as a cheating situation.

 

Exactly.

 

The sooner one accepts that the reationship is truly over the sooner the healing begins and a NEW relationship can start.

 

The hard part is getting to the point where you can realize this. Usually, its only after months have been wasted, youve tried the 'friends' thing a million times, and you've been strun along for long enough to seriously piss you off. In other words, its only when youve been FORCED to accept that the relationship is truly over can you start to move on. Most of us dont want to read the writing on the wall, we want to be one of the lucky few that it works out for.

 

Its only after you get burned over and over that you finally stop putting your hands near the fire.

[green apples]

I think it's a choice. You choose between 1. staying in contact, hoping the dumper would come to his senses and realize that he/she shouldn't have done the dumping in the first place, and 2. going NC because you want to heal. In my cases, I've chosen NC. I've had the same questions as the OP though it's a bit too late to undo my NC but at the initial stage of being dumped, I couldn't bring myself to stay in touch.

 

I also believe that if the dumper wants you back, whether you've been in contact or not, he/she would have found his/her way back.

[SRTtoZ]

NC is good for many instances...but I dont think its the ONLY way. I think there's a way to make contact with an Ex and write them something that tells them you want to be with them, YET you dont NEED them in your life...You want them in your life. You will move on and all but you want to make a change etc etc. Dont write that verbatim but still...

 

Some people in this world (Dumpers/dumpees) are so stubborn that they just refuse to reach out, even though they really want to. Sometimes you should maybe be the one to do it...BUT dont beg and tell them you NEED them. You shoudlnt need anyone in your life but yourself.

[mammax3]

I had the same question, Taucher, but I think I posted it in another forum. Thanks for bringing this idea out and to all the people who have weighed in with their thoughts and opinions. It's been an interesting read.

 

Two points have stuck out through the thread for me:

 

from BCCA - no one walks away from someone they see value in, period

and Its basically saying she is your only option, and you would rather try her again than be confident enough to go out and find someone just as good or better.

 

What if they saw value in you, but you weren't attending to their suggestions or indications that you needed outside help, or that you were doing things that was hurting them?

 

And what's wrong with trying her again?

 

I guess to Taucher's question (and therefore my own), the dumper may want you back for all the reasons already posted (lonliness, sex, comfort etc) unless it was a genuinely unique situation in which the dumper was in the wrong.

 

As the dumped party, I wonder if my dumper would contact me. Not likely as through our relationship it was apparent that I acted in a way he specifically detailed as being a deal breaker. It has also become apparent that I've got some of my own issues to deal with. As the dumped, I want to contact him and tell him that I see my issues and I want to work on them. Any point in this? Am I just as naive as the next guy who thinks I can remain as friends through the course of my self-improvement program?

 

Would a dumper contact a dumped later on, after X amount of time has passed to see if the changes were made?

 

Thanks. I hope this isn't considered a threadjack.

[jmason2056]

The case studies I always use for refference could be somewhat off from 'typical' couples, just because youre talking about people who either went to see a counsler, or agreed to participate in a research study. An argument could be made that they may not represent the 'average' couple, but I wouldnt think the numbers were too far off.

 

Youre right about the 6 month thing, though. Like NoFoolin said, if its been longer than 4 months, youre going to need a 100 yard TD pass to win. And after that, so much time has passed, you wonder what you would even say to eachother. I seriously couldnt imagine what a conversation with my ex would be like, but Im not interested anyway.

 

 

 

Exactly.

 

 

 

The hard part is getting to the point where you can realize this. Usually, its only after months have been wasted, youve tried the 'friends' thing a million times, and you've been strun along for long enough to seriously piss you off. In other words, its only when youve been FORCED to accept that the relationship is truly over can you start to move on. Most of us dont want to read the writing on the wall, we want to be one of the lucky few that it works out for.

 

Its only after you get burned over and over that you finally stop putting your hands near the fire.

 

I disagree on your 4 month rule. Time can do nothing but help the chances of a reconciliation. It gives the dumpee more time to grow and become healthy again as well as the dumper isn't forcing themselves into thinking everything in the relationship was bad to rationalize the breakup. On the other website I'm on, it seems the more successful reconciliations take 6+ months to happen.

 

The less time in between the breakup and reconciliation, the more of a chance that nothing has really changed between the two.

 

I wouldn't call the months in between wasted either. If you're trying to win them back then yes, its a waste. If you're having fun and not waiting on them then your not putting your hands near the fire. It's not wrong to want them back, it is wrong to wait on them though.

[BCCA]

What if they saw value in you, but you weren't attending to their suggestions or indications that you needed outside help, or that you were doing things that was hurting them?

 

You mean someone told you that you needed to see a doctor and you were hurting them, and you did nothing? I would say you pretty much deserved to be dumped then, right?

 

And what's wrong with trying her again?

 

She's not interested, and hasnt expressed the same feelings. So, why would you expect her answer/feelings to be any different this time? If she didnt want you today, why would she tomorrow?

 

I disagree on your 4 month rule. Time can do nothing but help the chances of a reconciliation. It gives the dumpee more time to grow and become healthy again as well as the dumper isn't forcing themselves into thinking everything in the relationship was bad to rationalize the breakup. On the other website I'm on, it seems the more successful reconciliations take 6+ months to happen.

 

With all due respect, you disagree because its the opposite of what you want. You hope that in 6 months this girl is going to 'come to her senses' and give you another shot, so you obviously dont want to hear how unlikely that is.

 

The reason I always try and include betting is because I want people to get a feel for how BAD the odds are of something like this working out. The odds of someone leaving you and being away for a while, and then coming back are next to nill. Also, they can only miss you and wonder about you if they want to, and honestly - with women - they usually dont need to, because they have another guy in the works before dumping you. I dont think very many breakups lasting longer than 6 months turn into reconciliations at all. Be wary of where youre getting this info, if the website is full of people hoping to get an ex back, this info is likely skewed.

 

I wouldn't call the months in between wasted either. If you're trying to win them back then yes, its a waste. If you're having fun and not waiting on them then your not putting your hands near the fire. It's not wrong to want them back, it is wrong to wait on them though.

 

If youre waiting to hear from someone at all, its a waste. The best thing to do is assume youll never hear from them again, and move on with your life. Have fun, meet new people, and enjoy life. Wanting them back is natural, but living your life so that they can come back if/when they want is dumb. Whenever one door closes, another one opens, but we spend so much time staring at the closed door that we dont even notice.

[jmason2056]

With all due respect, you disagree because its the opposite of what you want. You hope that in 6 months this girl is going to 'come to her senses' and give you another shot, so you obviously dont want to hear how unlikely that is.

 

The reason I always try and include betting is because I want people to get a feel for how BAD the odds are of something like this working out. The odds of someone leaving you and being away for a while, and then coming back are next to nill. Also, they can only miss you and wonder about you if they want to, and honestly - with women - they usually dont need to, because they have another guy in the works before dumping you. I dont think very many breakups lasting longer than 6 months turn into reconciliations at all. Be wary of where youre getting this info, if the website is full of people hoping to get an ex back, this info is likely skewed.

 

 

 

If youre waiting to hear from someone at all, its a waste. The best thing to do is assume youll never hear from them again, and move on with your life. Have fun, meet new people, and enjoy life. Wanting them back is natural, but living your life so that they can come back if/when they want is dumb. Whenever one door closes, another one opens, but we spend so much time staring at the closed door that we dont even notice.

 

I never said it wasn't unlikely. I just said the chances are better for it to be successful if it is longer than 6 months.

 

I also find the information on this website skewed. I think there are not many reconciliations here because the strict NC is stressed so much and followed here.

 

I feel you may need to reestablish some contact after awhile. Now that doesn't mean you're going to get back with them but you can live your life without them and go about yours. You are going to have to show them that you are a vibrant person with a life. Going strictly no contact would be difficult to establish that.

 

If you inadvertantly sabotaged your relationship, why would they contact you if you ignore them? Doesn't make any sense does it? In another situation it may be different. Its not always black and white.

 

Can you give me some proof on these statistics?

 

As for reconciliation being "rare", that's not entirely accurate - especially if demographics and specific circumstances are taken into account. I don't have the exact reference handy, but I know one statistic (as surveyed from 20,000 currently married couples) showed that 80% experienced a break up/separation of 2 months or more at some point during the relationship.

 

Hope is a relative term, and dependant on any given individual's willingness to understand not only the viability of their relationship, but the complexity and time required to reconcile. It might also be noted that statistics and academic psychology paint a different picture of all this than the bitter negativity that permeates so many threads in this particular forum.

 

Some of these thoughts aren't mine, but I agree with them.

[BCCA]

I never said it wasn't unlikely. I just said the chances are better for it to be successful if it is longer than 6 months.

 

I also find the information on this website skewed. I think there are not many reconciliations here because the strict NC is stressed so much and followed here.

 

Many, many people (including me) showed up here with your optimism. I know I thought that no matter what anyone said, if I wanted things to work with my ex, and if I did everything I could (which included buying like 6 'get your ex back' books), and just stayed focused - we could make it work. Afterall, I know we loved eachother.

 

After a while, after a few dozen stories just like mine, and after a lot of time spent studying relationships and women, I've realized what's likely and whats unlikely. A girl coming back after she dumps you is unlikely.

 

Everyone who gets here hates NC and comes up with reasons why its dumb, and just wont work, etc. All of them eventually dissapear or become huge advocates of it, myself included. People are going to do what they are going to do, and they should. Do what you feel is right, but Im telling you, the more you hate it now, the more youll realize how huge it is later.

 

I feel you may need to reestablish some contact after awhile. Now that doesn't mean you're going to get back with them but you can live your life without them and go about yours. You are going to have to show them that you are a vibrant person with a life. Going strictly no contact would be difficult to establish that.

 

If you inadvertantly sabotaged your relationship, why would they contact you if you ignore them? Doesn't make any sense does it? In another situation it may be different. Its not always black and white.

 

What does it say when your ex, who dumped you, never makes any effort to contact you? Why is it your burden to re-establish connection? You can be a vibrant person, and go on happily with life, without them at all. They only purpose of establishing contact is to try and get them back, and everyone knows it,

 

How would you know you sabatoged your relationship, unless you were told so? If someone wants to stay with you, they talk things over with you, and let you know whats bothering them. Youre ignoring them because you have to, everyone who's been dumped knows the deal. You can get on with your life and be friends one day, but it takes a long time to get over everything. Youre ignoring half hearted BS excuses, youre making them work for it. You should be worth it if they want you back.

 

It is pretty black and white, you just dont want it to be. I know I didnt. Like I said, look for my posts from last Sep-Oct, I think I made one making the same argument as you.

 

 

Can you give me some proof on these statistics?

 

I dont have the stats in front of me anymore. I pulled this together for a college project. I could see what I can come up with but...

 

As for reconciliation being "rare", that's not entirely accurate - especially if demographics and specific circumstances are taken into account. I don't have the exact reference handy, but I know one statistic (as surveyed from 20,000 currently married couples) showed that 80% experienced a break up/separation of 2 months or more at some point during the relationship.

 

No f***ing way! 80%? Where did you get this from?

 

 

Hope is a relative term, and dependant on any given individual's willingness to understand not only the viability of their relationship, but the complexity and time required to reconcile. It might also be noted that statistics and academic psychology paint a different picture of all this than the bitter negativity that permeates so many threads in this particular forum.

 

Hope is what dies last. Its what keeps us from using our heads, and what makes us bang our head against the same wall over and over. I dont know what stats or academic psych youre reffering to, but the ones Ive seen support me much more than you. Im really not trying to be a downer, but youre listening to your heart instead of your head, which will take you to Miserable-ville indefinitely.

 

Look, I know - you dont want to hear any of this, but you should prepare for the worst anyway. I just dont want you to smash your self esteem all over again if you can prevent it.

[jmason2056]

Many, many people (including me) showed up here with your optimism. I know I thought that no matter what anyone said, if I wanted things to work with my ex, and if I did everything I could (which included buying like 6 'get your ex back' books), and just stayed focused - we could make it work. Afterall, I know we loved eachother.

 

After a while, after a few dozen stories just like mine, and after a lot of time spent studying relationships and women, I've realized what's likely and whats unlikely. A girl coming back after she dumps you is unlikely.

 

Everyone who gets here hates NC and comes up with reasons why its dumb, and just wont work, etc. All of them eventually dissapear or become huge advocates of it, myself included. People are going to do what they are going to do, and they should. Do what you feel is right, but Im telling you, the more you hate it now, the more youll realize how huge it is later.

 

 

 

What does it say when your ex, who dumped you, never makes any effort to contact you? Why is it your burden to re-establish connection? You can be a vibrant person, and go on happily with life, without them at all. They only purpose of establishing contact is to try and get them back, and everyone knows it,

 

How would you know you sabatoged your relationship, unless you were told so? If someone wants to stay with you, they talk things over with you, and let you know whats bothering them. Youre ignoring them because you have to, everyone who's been dumped knows the deal. You can get on with your life and be friends one day, but it takes a long time to get over everything. Youre ignoring half hearted BS excuses, youre making them work for it. You should be worth it if they want you back.

 

It is pretty black and white, you just dont want it to be. I know I didnt. Like I said, look for my posts from last Sep-Oct, I think I made one making the same argument as you.

 

 

 

 

I dont have the stats in front of me anymore. I pulled this together for a college project. I could see what I can come up with but...

 

 

 

No f***ing way! 80%? Where did you get this from?

 

 

 

 

Hope is what dies last. Its what keeps us from using our heads, and what makes us bang our head against the same wall over and over. I dont know what stats or academic psych youre reffering to, but the ones Ive seen support me much more than you. Im really not trying to be a downer, but youre listening to your heart instead of your head, which will take you to Miserable-ville indefinitely.

 

Look, I know - you dont want to hear any of this, but you should prepare for the worst anyway. I just dont want you to smash your self esteem all over again if you can prevent it.

 

Youngs and Goetz (both PhDs) refer to those figures in their book Getting Back Together, but they do not cite their references.

 

I'm not completely against NC. I went it for a little while until I was no longer miserable and I was strong enough to face the music and her without getting emotional, so I see the benefits.

 

I think the difference was, I used it to "let go" not to "move on."

 

I actually do like hearing this. I'm prepared to not have a second chance, but I can't really deny my optimism. I'm sure I'll develop more pessimism the more I get burned, but until then I'll keep the door open.

[BCCA]

Youngs and Goetz (both PhDs) refer to those figures in their book Getting Back Together

 

You know, the thing with stats is that you can find them to support anything you want them to. Obviously, the topic of their book probably skewed their stats a bit, or they only used a study that backed up their point. Cant blame them, I would do the same thing, its just when they right a book about getting back together, you have to think they went looking for specific stats or people.

 

I'm not completely against NC. I went it for a little while until I was no longer miserable and I was strong enough to face the music and her without getting emotional, so I see the benefits.

 

I think the part I struggled with the most was that I initially felt like I was just doing it to punish my ex, or show her I dont need her. Obviously, its 100% about you and whats good for you. Some people dont need it, but most do.

 

I think the difference was, I used it to "let go" not to "move on."

 

Thats a good way to look at it. Whatever works for you, man. Just as long as you can let go of the relationship and get some clarity.

 

I'm prepared to not have a second chance, but I can't really deny my optimism. I'm sure I'll develop more pessimism the more I get burned, but until then I'll keep the door open.

 

Dude, hopefully you'll never get burned again, and you can keep that optimism alive. I only said what I did to prepare you for any possible outcome. I've just been burned so many times by people I never thought would do that, its just hard not to be skeptical.

 

Good luck to you, no matter what happens!

[jmason2056]

You know, the thing with stats is that you can find them to support anything you want them to. Obviously, the topic of their book probably skewed their stats a bit, or they only used a study that backed up their point. Cant blame them, I would do the same thing, its just when they right a book about getting back together, you have to think they went looking for specific stats or people.

 

 

 

I think the part I struggled with the most was that I initially felt like I was just doing it to punish my ex, or show her I dont need her. Obviously, its 100% about you and whats good for you. Some people dont need it, but most do.

 

 

 

Thats a good way to look at it. Whatever works for you, man. Just as long as you can let go of the relationship and get some clarity.

 

 

 

Dude, hopefully you'll never get burned again, and you can keep that optimism alive. I only said what I did to prepare you for any possible outcome. I've just been burned so many times by people I never thought would do that, its just hard not to be skeptical.

 

Good luck to you, no matter what happens!

 

Change of plans I guess. I agree with you that she only wanted to be friends to feel less guilty about the breakup. I've been trying to initiate contact this last week and its obvious she's not really interested in me anymore. She's polite, but she's not really interested in talking. Pretty sure she thinks I'm trying to get with back with her like you said.

 

I'm taking this as my cue to let go and go ahead and date other people. It wasn't really that hard of a decision.

 

I have decided to reintiate our friendship when I get back though. I realize I'l have to put in most of the effort at first, but she'll come around and open up when she sees I'm not trying to get back with her and I have no ulterior motives. I realize its not really fair for me to do most of the work as the dumpee, but I don't mind. It's like a nurturing project. Like you said, she knows what the deal is, but she'll put her guard down eventually. After that, we'll see where everything goes. I know for a fact she is still very attracted to me physically so there's still a spark somewhere.

 

Thanks for your insights. I'm still optimistic things will work themselves out, but its time for me to have some fun.

[NopeNah]

Change of plans I guess. I agree with you that she only wanted to be friends to feel less guilty about the breakup. I've been trying to initiate contact this last week and its obvious she's not really interested in me anymore. She's polite, but she's not really interested in talking. Pretty sure she thinks I'm trying to get with back with her like you said.

 

I'm taking this as my cue to let go and go ahead and date other people. It wasn't really that hard of a decision.

 

I have decided to reintiate our friendship when I get back though. I realize I'l have to put in most of the effort at first, but she'll come around and open up when she sees I'm not trying to get back with her and I have no ulterior motives. I realize its not really fair for me to do most of the work as the dumpee, but I don't mind. It's like a nurturing project. Like you said, she knows what the deal is, but she'll put her guard down eventually. After that, we'll see where everything goes. I know for a fact she is still very attracted to me physically so there's still a spark somewhere.

 

Thanks for your insights. I'm still optimistic things will work themselves out, but its time for me to have some fun.

Trust me man..take her off that pedestal! Odds are after you get out and meet some new, more interesting women, you won't even want to be friends with her. The faster you accept this the better off you'll be! I've never in my whole life had to "nurture" a friend, or as you put it "a project"...she's not worth it!