writergal Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Has anyone ever been able to somehow transform a FWB situation into a real trustworthy, long-term, mutual, romantic relationship? Or is that just impossible? I want to believe its possible because I now find myself in the FWB role with my ex-bf. And I am still emotionally attached and have romantic expectations which have so far been ignored by him. He has told me that I'm fun, easy going, and a good listener whom he trusts...but he said he doesn't see anything long term with me, and when I asked him to elaborate, he wouldn't. He just left for a 10 day trip this morning. We sat in his living room and had a nice chat about superficial things but nothing about our newly established FWB status. He then walked me to my car, gave me a kiss and said he'd call me when he gets back. He stopped initiating calls with me when he broke up with me quite a while ago. So I know if I want to see or hear from him again, I will have to contact him. He did text me later to say that he was nearly at his destination, told me to have a great week and that he would send me email updates until he got back. I texted him back "thanks for the text. have a safe trip. talk to you later." I know that I cant force my ex-bf to have romantic feelings for me right now. We really enjoy each other's company and if it weren't for the sex confusing things, I'd be really happy just being his friend if he doesn't want me as his girlfriend. Does that make me a masochist? I really don't know how to back out of this situation without getting emotionally scarred.
girl68 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I really don't know how to back out of this situation without getting emotionally scarred. That was impossible a long time ago. Wshful thinking though!
lora22 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 The good news is that yes, it's possible (personal experience and friends' experiences) to turn an FWB relationship into a real, committed, etc. one. The bad news is that I find it highly unlikely that is possible with an ex. I don't know the story of you and your ex, but off the top of my head, I'd have to say that he already knows what it's like to be in a relationship with you. For whatever reason(s) it didn't work out. So if he can have the sex without the R part from you while he's in between girlfriends...well great for him. I just have a difficult time seeing an ex wanting to go down that road again. It also seems like ex-sex is pretty normal after breakups while both individuals are trying to get over it and feeling lonely.
JustLooking123 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 He told you how he feels. Listen to him. Now get out there and find a man who wants the same thing you do - he's out there!
Thaddeus Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 He told you how he feels. Listen to him. Now get out there and find a man who wants the same thing you do - he's out there! Quoted for truth. He's told you how he feels. Take him at his word. It's not in code, there's nothing to figure out, there's no hidden mysterious meaning to it all. I know it's difficult - I've been through almost the exact same thing - but it's over. Sorry.
Author writergal Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 True. He did tell me he didn't see us working out long-term as a couple. And if I had any common sense, well, I would walk away from him and just be a casual acquaintance whom he never sees anymore. The story of our 3 month relationship (if it is even considered a relationship at 3 months) is that we met through an online dating service about 1 year after his divorce was finalized (he was married for 10 years). Within 1 month he declared his love for me (egads, I know, too soon right?)and his committment to a relationship with me for the long haul. He made all kinds of promises too that he later renigged on with regards to how he would treat me if I ever had any doubts, and the night I revealed my doubts to him, well, he broke up with me the next day, telling me he didn't want to deal with my trust issues. Now, in my book, if he was really committed to me, he'd want to deal with my trust issues if I meant that much to him to begin with, if he didn't want to lose me he would do anything to reassure me. But he broke up with me over the phone, which is also something he'd promised me he wouldn't do (since he did this to the previous woman he dated before me). Then after NC for 3 months, I contacted him again and we tried to reconcile (or rather, I tried and he showed no interest). When we had what I thought was make-up sex, he broke up with me for the 2nd time the next morning, citing he felt smothered and told me if I got a better offer from another guy for a relationship, to take it. Then a month ago he said he didn't see us working out as a couple and he refused to elaborate (still won't tell me why). He was away for most of the month of June on a trip and emailed me a couple of times to update me on his travels but the emails were addressed to a group of his friends, so they were never personally directed towards just me. When we dated, he made so many promises, doted on me, bought me gifts, groceries, texted, emailed and called me unpromted daily. Then the 1 time I had doubts about his true feelings for me, he breaks up with me, which invalidated everything he'd promised me he wouldn't do to me. If that makes sense. I've never done the FWB thing before. This is the first time I've tried it, thinking in some way I could regain his trust in me and get him to emotionally open up to me why his feelings towards me changed. After all, I asked him this question directly several times, always met with the response, "I don't know. We just won't work as a couple." And yes. I'm stubborn. It's important for me to know WHY something doesn't work when it comes to a romantic relationship, so that I at least know WHY it failed. I can't walk away from a relationship without knowing the reasons because then I feel I can't learn from each relationship if I don't take away what I did wrong, so that I don't repeat the same mistakes again. Two issues I know he's afraid of repeating with me which make him feel smothered, as he calls it, when he agreed to give us a 2nd chance, but then changed his mind immediately the next day are: financial support and trust. I'm in graduate school, and he bought me A LOT of gifts, groceries, and dinners when we dated, that stressed him out and made him resent me for not contributing financially. The trust thing is my fault to a certain degree b/c he told me that his ex-wife accused him of being involved with a particular woman he works with. So with that seed of paranoia planted in my mind, and his lying to me about several texts she sent him and his texts to her, I freaked out and accused him of what his ex-wife accused him of - being more interested in his female-co-worker than me. This turned out to be completely false but he did admit to me that he had a strong emotional connection with this female coworker whom he's been friends with for the past few years. He told me he recently visited her at her family's house since she was in a car accident, and said he thought she needed psychological help b/c she expressed a romantic interest in him that he rejected. He then told me an ex-gf at his 20 year high school reunion called him a putz for the way he treated her when they dated; he broke up with her over the phone over something trivial, then avoided her for 6 months until she confronted him and they tried dating again. Then there's me. The only woman he's been involved with for the past 8 months off and on now, as far as I know. I know he's afraid of us moving too fast again as we did before. And despite my effort to convince him that i just want to date him and see what happens, he doesn't reciprocate emotionally when I text or say comments about my feelings. Like, if I text, "Last night was great," which I did this morning, he ignored my comment completely, just texting back that he would update me on his trip over the next 2 weeks. If he really was emotionally interested, he'd have responded with something similiar don't you think? I figure if I don't text him or call him over the next 2 weeks, that tells him that I'm okay with being casual when I'm really not. I want to call and text him like I did before when we dated. He gave me a pottery piece he made from a class this morning (my girlfriend thinks he gave it to me out of guilt for the casual sex), telling me that it was his worst piece in his own opinion. When I got home, I filled it with some things and took a picture of it, and sent it to him via text. His text back was "I got your text but it failed, must be a bad connection. " He has an iPhone and I have a regular cell phone. My first instinct was to think he's avoiding my romantic gesture of sending him a jpeg of where I placed his pottery piece in my apartment. Right? My point after this long incessant ramble of mine, is that I know he wont admit to anything if I don't bring up the issue, esp. where FWB is concerned, ESP. after he told me that he's never done the FWB thing before since he was married for 10 years and before that, didn't really date. So I was thinking of waiting until he got back from his trip to ask him over for dinner, and then talk to him about my being uncomfortable with being his friend with benefits, and that I want us to be in a relationship. And I also want to get an answer from him as to why he doesn't think we would work out as a couple. Then and only then, would I be okay with walking away completely. My girlfriends think I should try to find a guy to replace him with, so that I'm not emotionally devastated. I think that's a silly thing to do and it wouldn't be fair to the guy, even if I could make that happen. Why is a FWB situation with an ex such a taboo thing? People break up and get back together ALL the time. Dating isn't so black and white. There are defnitely gray areas. And FWB is a really gray area b/c its a limbo-state of being with a person you were involved with. So there has to be potential to turn the FWB around into a real relationship. Isn't that the same thing as breaking up/getting back together?
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Why is a FWB situation with an ex such a taboo thing? People break up and get back together ALL the time. Dating isn't so black and white. There are defnitely gray areas. And FWB is a really gray area b/c its a limbo-state of being with a person you were involved with. So there has to be potential to turn the FWB around into a real relationship. Isn't that the same thing as breaking up/getting back together? I don't think FWB with an ex is taboo exactly. However, I think it's incredibly rare that those situations are TRUE FWB scenarios. Breaking up and getting back together and hooking up in between isn't FWB.
SierraRose Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It sounds to me like you are not in a FWB situation. FWB, is just that; a friend. I think by being intimate with an ex b/f is envolving your emotions and setting yourself up for a fall. He said straightforward how he feels. Do yourself a favor...drop him, move on and find yourself an emotionally available man.
Author writergal Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Well then I'm confused. Is my situation a classic FWB scenario since we were technically never back on, per se? It feels like a casual relationship to me only because he's not pursuing contact with me. I"m the one who initiates all the contact and plans the dates. Although I did this when we dated too. Would I be wasting my time, if I told my ex-bf that I don't want him to financially support me, and that I just want to date him and that i don't have any expectations for more than he can give me? If I can get him to open up to his reasons why he thinks we wouldn't work as a couple, I can reassure him that those reasons are valid and that we can work together to make the relationship work and get our needs met at the same time. Maybe he isn't interested b/c he doesn't want to do the work that's involved, b/c he feels he did the work and sacrificed himself in his marriage and doesn't want to repeat that power imbalance with me. I dunno. It's just an assumption. Should I suggest that to him as a possible reason he is afraid to commit to me? Or would that be crazy?
BobSacamento Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 This is not a FWB. This is a woman who can't let go and move on, and a man that's taking advantage of the situation.
boogieboy Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Why would you think he'd want a relationship with you when hes getting sex with no strings attached? As long as you keep having sex with him, youre not gonna get what you want. ANd if you cut him off from sex to commit to you, hes gonna run. So just keep having sex with him, but you will never get a relationship out of him again, so put that out of your mind.
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Your situation is absolutely not a true FWB scenario. Wanna know how I know that? ONE way is that you stated you're trying to use FWB scenario to win him back into a relationship. You say you need to know WHY your relationship ended so you can learn from it and grow from YOUR mistakes. Reread your second to last post - the long one. Did it ever occur to you that he's just a nutcase? That's sort of the impression that I got. That said, I think that BobSacamento said it very bluntly, but he's kinda right.
girl68 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 This is not a FWB. This is a woman who can't let go and move on, and a man that's taking advantage of the situation. BINGO! You are not his friend... you are an ex who is still giving it up. He is not your friend he is an ex you cannot let go of.
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