bitteorca Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hey, Haven't posted for a while, thought I might post because I'm feeling a bit down again, and there's stuff to update on! (long post) Brief background is that I split up with my ex two months ago, but she told me a month ago she doesn't want me back. I'm the dumper, but also the dumpee. I'd say more the latter as she doesn't want it to happen, not any time in the near future anyway (not that she's lead me on by saying she only needs time or anything). I am really starting to miss her, as a person though. Its been a while so I can think about this (semi)rationally. I do feel lonely, but that's not the main reason why I feel sad. I feel sad because I've lost a special person. And a special relationship that I truely think could of have worked. If you want some detailed background, its here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190850/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191602/ Since, I thought I was dealing with it ok. Not well, just ok. Getting on with it, but quietly having her in my head all the time. I've actually kissed a few other girls, and done a bit more that I shouldn't have. Obviously just a sign that I'm not over her properly, I know that now. I've seen her since. Once she texted me when she knew I would be in the same club, and we met and talked for a bit. Second was a couple of days after at a gig, talked for a bit, but not as much as the first time, just like we were friends. Possibly because my friends and her friends were there. I've had some communication with her. She's texted me a few times, but inevitably I've texted her more. More emotional texts as well. She's making an effort to ignore those kinds of things, because they obviously upset her as well. She's admitted to me that she does still miss me, does still love me, but still nothing has changed since what she originally said. She's being really strong, I admire her for that. I don't have any bad feelings for her. Maybe if I did it would help me! I don't know.... I spoke to her last nite because I was feeling really down about everything, and I just needed someone to talk to. Stupid going to the person who is making me upset to talk to, but there you go She sent me a text after saying it was nice to hear my voice and she really didn't mind speaking to me. I sent her a text previously to this, when I was drunk, saying that I though it was best that I don't talk to her anymore because it was causing me too much hurt (NC thing). She text back saying that she would have to respect that decision (and later admitted she was gutted when she read that) and that she loved me. I later texted back saying that I didn't really want that. I said it would get better with time, but losing contact with her would be worse than NC, we didn't have a messy breakup after all. She never used to be on facebook when she was with me, but I saw tonight that she has made an account, and she hasn't added me. I mean, it is only really new, I think she might of made it like tonight, but the fact she hasn't added me has really hurt me. She's obviously added other people. I don't know why this bothers me so much, maybe its like a signifier. Not that I've not had enough! I don't know why shes not added me. Maybe its too soon for her. My paranoid side tells me she doesn't want me to know what she's getting up to, but I know really it isn't like that. I think she knows I will check it all the time and get jealous about things, even when they are nothing to get jealous about. But I'm just hypothesising here! I can't really say what she's thinking, only she could tell you that. Maybe she was going to add me eventually, it probably is too soon. I sent her a stupid text just letting her know that I knew she was on facebook. Pathetic I know, I just get these weak points. I don't know really where I am at the moment. My head is everywhere, even after 2 months. I'm usually a stronger person than this. If someone would have told me I would be posting about a breakup on an internet forum because I was this upset after 2 months I wouldn't have believed them! I'm sorry this is a really long post, just helps to get it all out sometimes I suppose Thanks for reading
Author bitteorca Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I ended up ringing her. Stupid I know. But at least I got something from it: I need to go NC with her. I obviously can't hack being her friend. A friend wouldn't ring her all upset because she's added a boy on facebook (oh I didn't mention that, I saw that she added the guy who she slept with after we broke up. She admitted on the phone it was a complete rebound, trying to replace what we had). I'm going to do NC firstly for myself, but also because I am driving her away doing what I was doing. She understood this, said she wish it wasn't like that but if its what I think is necessary then she accepts that. Any advice on how to successfully employ this wouldn't go a miss. I need to be strong. I'm actually a pretty strong person, I'm hoping I'll get stronger with time. I've read that NC gets easier the more days you progress. I didn't want it to come to this, BUT IT HAS, and there is NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE IT. so NC it is...wish me luck
Giha Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Yes, NC does get better over time. At first you will probably feel horrible and miss her alot, but after a while those feelings get weaker and weaker. Deleting her on every social-network would be very helpful to speed things up as you won't get information about changes in her life that may affect how you feel, as well as deleting web profiles of hers from your favorites such as Deviantart and alike, if she has any. Basically erasing her from your life as much as you can. It's a hard thing to do but it is for your best.
Author bitteorca Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 thanks Giha she didn't actually add me on facebook. thats why I got upset and rang her, because she'd added that guy and not me. But from her point of view I completely know why she did it. She knew I'd do EXACTLY what I have done tonight...ring her up and get whiny at the slightest of things, accuse her of things she isn't doing (I need to sort out that insecurity about myself seriously. She isn't that type of girl at all, wouldn't have spent 3.5 years with her otherwise). I have put her on the block list though, incase I ever get tempted to add her or message her. I think we need serious time apart...whether that will lead to reconciliation or the opposite is not under my control any more. I'm alright after talking to her, even if it was telling her I couldn't stay in touch, is that weird?! I think the depressing realities of NC will kick in at some point! I did learn some things tonight, she's not doing quite as well as she thought. Not that I'm wallowing in someone else's pain, but it just feels a bit better to know
Giha Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 When I first erased my ex from my life I felt pretty good about myself. I felt like I was somehow strong and on the way for a new chapter or something like that - that was just the beginning. As you put it, the depression did kick in a few days later. And I think it's ok to feel better after knowing the one who dumped you isn't doing great, I totally get it. My ex couldn't care less, and it's really upsetting to know how good she feels with her new bf (who just happens to be an old friend of mine), while I'm sitting here thinking about her all the time. I suggest you also delete her from your MSN or whatever it is you are using. She might write painful things some day in her status or away messeges, or things that might get you tempted to talk to her again. (That is why I failed to NC her on the first time). Blocking is not enough, I'm afraid.
Author bitteorca Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Giha, just because they have a new boyfriend doesn't NECESSARILY mean that there not upset about the breakup or anything. I mean, they might not be, but you can't tell just from that. I mean, my ex isn't in a relationship, but she slept with someone, and she admitted to me she is just trying to replace the intimacy she had with me. And me, I've been with three girls, one of them I did some stupid stuff with. My point being, here I am sat on a forum completely not over it. Everyone reacts differently I suppose is my point. Just because you think she might be happy (putting a front on perhaps) doesn't mean she is. Like I said, could be, but its not like 100% definition of a situation. I think what I've learned from this forum is that EVERYONE is DIFFERENT. react differently, feel differently, people come back, people don't speak to other every again, it really depends on the people involved: the beauty of human nature and its complexities I suppose! I can't do any more than block her on facebook, she wasn't my friend anyway. And i've seen more blue moons than times I've seen her on msn (even when we were together). She just doesn't use it. I suppose if you try hard enough, you will find a way to contact them; you can always unblock them, re-add them etc. I need to be strong enough to choose not to do this. Can I just ask another question to all reading, one which I have wondered about and tried to research on here but have been pretty unsuccessful. Is there a certain amount of idealising going on after a break up? Like you only think about positives and nothing else? You've lost the love of your life and can't seem to think about their flaws/bad times. I know I had to actually make myself a list of her flaws and the flaws with the relationship. It helped me to try n avoid this idealisation. I mean, I could of made a bigger list of the positives but that wouldn't of helped me! Interesting to see some reactions on this...does this begin to change after time? I presume rationality starts to become stronger with time? Thanks again
Giha Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Yeah, I guess I should have phrased myself differently. I'm not saying that just because she has a new bf means she's all happy, but in my specific case it seems she's not so troubled (or as you said, she puts a front on). Im not just saying she's happy because she has a new bf, I just saw someone posts pictures of her on facebook from when she went with her friends and bf to the beach. She looked like if she was happier she would explode. Maybe she is putting a front on, idk. I try not to think about it too much. I hope this makes my opinion clearer I agree with what you said, everyone is different. This actually drives me to find someone new and different and not give up, and maybe find a healthier relationship. (after I feel like I'm ready to start over, of course) About your question, I thought about this as well. alot, actually I tried to think about her flaws but I just couldn't seem to come up with any. From previous relationships I have learned that sometimes it takes time to see things clearly - even if now she seems all perfect, it might be just love that blinds us from seeing things in them that we dont want to see. Well, that's one way to look at it, anyway..
Author bitteorca Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Yeah I can understand that. If I saw pictures of her on facebook all happy with someone else, my instant emotion wouldn't be that she was feigning it, it would be a sinking feeling. But if you just try to take a step back, then you can try to imagine the different scenarios: she could be happy, she might be on the road to happiness, she could be putting a front on, she could be really upset. Pictures can tell 1000 lies or truths! I think this is why it is probably important that you don't look at her faecbook/block her. Until you can look at pictures of her with someone else, or just pictures of her in general, and not get that sinking feeling, it means you aren't ready. I flipped just because she added that guy, even though they aren't going out or anything and they've only slept together once (a month after the breakup, said she doesn't want to continue doing that with him now). About the idealisation thing, I think you will find flaws eventually. To say that you couldn't find *any* flaws just proves that you are still perhaps in the stage of idealisation. Get yourself a pen and paper and FORCE those negatives down. When they don't flow into your head naturally, you can always refer to them. It shouldn't be used to turn all your thoughts into negative thoughts, turn your memories of the relationship sour, but just to give you a more realistic view of who she was, and what the relationship was. I wish you the best of luck
NopeNah Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It also depends on how long the relationship was with the flaw thing. The shorter the relationship, the less time "flaws" had time to show. Trust me they are there! We all have flaws, as no one is perfect. In a short term though, you never get to see them. Which does make it a bit harder to seperate from the "good times" because, there just wasn't enough time to see the bad. goodluck and stay NC for yourself!
Nedved Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My ex gf broke up with me around 2 months ago also and although i'm not totally over her i find myself focusing far more on her flaws than her good points. Yes we had some great times but a lot of these great memories can sometimes be crowded by sentiment and again it was'nt always good. Like the other i came across pics of my ex and i on a road trip and we looked all happy in the pics. Perfect couple and then i remembered after feeling a bit down that the day was a total disaster. We argued non stop and i really did'nt wanna be there. I was feeling sad the other day for pics of a trip that was a nightmare. bitteorca its really good what your doing by focusing on her flaws and i think your really making a good effort to go NC by blocking her and stuff as you know now you can't be friends with her at the moment because you flip out at her and spilled your heart to her the other night over her new facebook friend. Its only driving her away and making you look weak. Try to remain focused on your own healing process and not hers. I know you should'nt of kissed the other girl but your ex then went a step further? In pain or not she knew what she was doing even if it was only once. That should be the flaw you focus on the most. There's maybe a chance by the sounds of things that you two could get back together at some stage but really make a good effort to go NC until the wounds on bothy sides have healed and then look at the situation with a clearer head. A good month or 2 of NC under your belt and you'l start to see things different. Concentrate on yourself and d'ont be so hard on yourself. Your only 22 so by all means keep kissing girls
Author bitteorca Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks Nedved, that was a really good reply I'm not saying by focusing on her flaws and the relationship's flaws you should think negatively about everything and let it cast dark clouds over what was really mostly a good relationship. You just can't ignore the bad as well, else it will drive you crazy. But like you said about your road trip, I've been on holiday with her and had a great time, but then when your head starts to clear a bit, you remember that it wasn't all good. Just important that you don't think that a past relationship is perfect. No one couple is perfect. "Its only driving her away and making you look weak" - I totally agree. I'm not a weak person, but have been feeling really weak about it. She remembers me as a strong person, and I don't want to taint that any further by doing what I was doing. I have to remember that what she does now isn't a reflection of what we had...its a reflection of now, and now only. Not that she's doing anything bad, but if she ever did I need to keep that in mind. Like I said, people deal with things differently. She's actually admitted that she's just been pushing her emotions aside, and they've only just started to surface properly. Yeah she went a step further...she won't admit this, but subconsciously there must be a bit of revenge there somewhere. I don't blame her for that either! I think NC is a good idea, I can't realistically be friends with her at the moment. Maybe I never will be able to, but that will become clearer with time. And like you said, she might come back, but I really ain'd holding on to that thought! I'm not waiting round for her like a loser, she knows I'm not like that. I wish you the best of luck in life, and thanks for a good response
Giha Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Yeah I can understand that. If I saw pictures of her on facebook all happy with someone else, my instant emotion wouldn't be that she was feigning it, it would be a sinking feeling. But if you just try to take a step back, then you can try to imagine the different scenarios: she could be happy, she might be on the road to happiness, she could be putting a front on, she could be really upset. Pictures can tell 1000 lies or truths! I think this is why it is probably important that you don't look at her faecbook/block her. Until you can look at pictures of her with someone else, or just pictures of her in general, and not get that sinking feeling, it means you aren't ready. I flipped just because she added that guy, even though they aren't going out or anything and they've only slept together once (a month after the breakup, said she doesn't want to continue doing that with him now). About the idealisation thing, I think you will find flaws eventually. To say that you couldn't find *any* flaws just proves that you are still perhaps in the stage of idealisation. Get yourself a pen and paper and FORCE those negatives down. When they don't flow into your head naturally, you can always refer to them. It shouldn't be used to turn all your thoughts into negative thoughts, turn your memories of the relationship sour, but just to give you a more realistic view of who she was, and what the relationship was. I wish you the best of luck Actually, she doesn't have a facebook profile. A friend of mine who was there with them posted those pics, but that's irrelevant. I will try to take your advice and force myself to write down every flaw I can come up with. Thank you, I wish you the best of luck as well.
Nedved Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks Nedved, that was a really good reply I'm not saying by focusing on her flaws and the relationship's flaws you should think negatively about everything and let it cast dark clouds over what was really mostly a good relationship. You just can't ignore the bad as well, else it will drive you crazy. But like you said about your road trip, I've been on holiday with her and had a great time, but then when your head starts to clear a bit, you remember that it wasn't all good. Just important that you don't think that a past relationship is perfect. No one couple is perfect. "Its only driving her away and making you look weak" - I totally agree. I'm not a weak person, but have been feeling really weak about it. She remembers me as a strong person, and I don't want to taint that any further by doing what I was doing. I have to remember that what she does now isn't a reflection of what we had...its a reflection of now, and now only. Not that she's doing anything bad, but if she ever did I need to keep that in mind. Like I said, people deal with things differently. She's actually admitted that she's just been pushing her emotions aside, and they've only just started to surface properly. Yeah she went a step further...she won't admit this, but subconsciously there must be a bit of revenge there somewhere. I don't blame her for that either! I think NC is a good idea, I can't realistically be friends with her at the moment. Maybe I never will be able to, but that will become clearer with time. And like you said, she might come back, but I really ain'd holding on to that thought! I'm not waiting round for her like a loser, she knows I'm not like that. I wish you the best of luck in life, and thanks for a good response You'l become much stronger in time and you just need a bit of time away from her to build yourself up and make those weak moments much less frequent. You d'ont sound like a weak person by nature and by phoning her up upset etc its just out of character for you. Thats very normal and that'l pass in time. This is the hard part. But it'l get better everyday. On the subject of being friends with her time will tell if you can. You prob want her in your life and prob wanna be friends. Its so hard letting but as you already know its impossible to be friends till you build up your strenght again. Who knows when your healed you may not even be interested or care about being friends with her again. You may have met somebody else. I'm in that situation now myself. I could'nt care less if i never hear from her again and believe me that was unthinkable 2 months ago. I'm glad to hear your not holding out hope of reconciliation, but by the sounds of things there's feelings on both sides and your still young so who knows what'l happen somewhere down the line but just give it a good period of NC and just get out there and enjoy yourself. D'ont dwell on it to much. Keep kissing the girls!! good luck and i wish you well.
Author bitteorca Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I couldn't agree more! I don't think this will be easy, I've been slowly slipping since I talked to her. But now I know this is necessary, that's the difference. It's just part of the process, need to remind myself of that and stay strong. I've bookmarked all the big NC posts by CaliGuy and No Foolin and I'm going to refer to them every time I feel I could slip. Remind myself why I'm doing this! I wish you, and the rest of the posters on this forum, the best of luck. LS feels like a pond of dying fish sometimes, but you don't see the ones that swim upstream and are ok in the end. I think I'm going to make an effort to post once I've got through this, just to let people know that when they are feeling all these emotions, that they know that they will alright eventually! Thanks!
Giha Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I couldn't agree more! I don't think this will be easy, I've been slowly slipping since I talked to her. But now I know this is necessary, that's the difference. It's just part of the process, need to remind myself of that and stay strong. I've bookmarked all the big NC posts by CaliGuy and No Foolin and I'm going to refer to them every time I feel I could slip. Remind myself why I'm doing this! I wish you, and the rest of the posters on this forum, the best of luck. LS feels like a pond of dying fish sometimes, but you don't see the ones that swim upstream and are ok in the end. I think I'm going to make an effort to post once I've got through this, just to let people know that when they are feeling all these emotions, that they know that they will alright eventually! Thanks! Hey, could you please posts some links to those threads by CaliGuy and No Foolin? I read about them here but never found 'em (except for the NC FAQ by CaliGuy)
Author bitteorca Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/ The latter one is a guide to second chances. But it isn't a false hope kind of thing. Its suggesting things that will help YOU which MAY make your ex reconsider. I think its appropriate for my situation as its 90% moving on and focusing on yourself, and 10% about actually getting your ex back. I think that percentage is a healthy one! Like people have pointed out, given a lot of time and healing, you never know what might happen
Nedved Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I couldn't agree more! I don't think this will be easy, I've been slowly slipping since I talked to her. But now I know this is necessary, that's the difference. It's just part of the process, need to remind myself of that and stay strong. I've bookmarked all the big NC posts by CaliGuy and No Foolin and I'm going to refer to them every time I feel I could slip. Remind myself why I'm doing this! I wish you, and the rest of the posters on this forum, the best of luck. LS feels like a pond of dying fish sometimes, but you don't see the ones that swim upstream and are ok in the end. I think I'm going to make an effort to post once I've got through this, just to let people know that when they are feeling all these emotions, that they know that they will alright eventually! Thanks! Great post and i could'nt agree with you more. The NC posts by CaliGuy and No Foolin are excellent back ups in weak moments. Keep posting on good days and keep posting on bad days. Believe me i was you 2 months ago and although i'm still in the recovery phase i still just take everyday as it comes. When i started NC i set myself a goal. I did'nt try and say i won't contact her for a month as it seemed like an eternity so i gave myself a challenge to go one week and see how i get on. It was so hard but when i made it i felt a great sense of achivement. That 1st week so the most difficult for me. I then set myself another week and made it and have'nt really looked back since. Still have weak moments but honestly know i won't call her and have no real interest in talking to her again. D'ont wanna ruin my good work. In saying that i think she will make contact sooner rather than later as i did say we could maybe talk in a few months but i'l worry about that if it ever comes about.
Recommended Posts