I can't get over him. (long, but I appreciate anyone who will read)

[indriyani]

Hi, I have tried many ways to talk this out with friends and family but I don't seem to be getting a very objective point of view from anybody ... which brought me to this website. I was in a relationship for about three and a half years when my boyfriend ended it through an e-mail. The last part of the e-mail he wrote read like this:

 

"I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t care about the relationships around me.

 

Maybe you were right. “I just don’t care.”

 

I’m just so tired, so tired.

 

I need to be alone.

 

I’m sorry."

 

 

I promptly separated myself from him. We had been having problems, I felt he was very disconnected through those last few months and I was tired of it. I kept this going for three months, I don't think I went through the mourning period of this relationship at all. The first week I watched a few movies and cried through some of them, but overall, I bounced back fairly quickly.

 

Three months after the break up things dramatically changed. I started thinking about him more, I readded his name on my AOL Instant Messenger. I started periodically checking his Twitter account (the only networking website he didn't have as private). I knew his brother's wedding was coming up that both of us had reserved a hotel room for and had tickets to fly up to Boston for and I was curious at how he would handle this.

 

His Twitter was revealing during that trip; he made consistent references to feeling alone. One of his updates read:

 

"This hotel room wasn't supposed to be empty." and "There's nothing like a wedding to remind you that you're alone."

 

Also, a few weeks before the wedding he had alluded to a beautiful moment the two of us had shared in our relationship by writing "I remember the last time the air was bathed in gold like this. It's been a while." and later, "I have to admit... I can't get that moment on the patio bathed in gold out of my head." (two references he admitted later was the exact moment I predicted)

 

All of this was my invitation to contact him and hope for the best. Outwardly, I didn't have the intention of getting back together with him -- I think I convinced myself that's not what I wanted either. But it must have been very present in the back of my mind. We met for coffee and I was very numb through the whole ordeal, he looked great, I made sure I did too. We hugged, he apologized for not being a better boyfriend -- I didn't apologize for my own mistakes, I just listened. The drive home from our meeting was cold, I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry -- I was nothing.

 

When I went home and I half expected to receive a text, a phone call, something like "good to see you" ... I didn't get one. Of course, I'm an impatient sort of person, so I called him. This conversation took place at 2 AM under very emotional circumstances on my end, I basically needed to know he still loved me, he said that he didn't. I couldn't believe him and then he followed with "things aren't so black and white." I still don't know what he meant by that. I spent the night crying, in sheer agony. I couldn't sleep. The next morning at around 8AM, I found my crazy self at his front door, asking him if we could get breakfast. He started to get ready. Over breakfast it was much of the same thing, me agonizing over how I still loved him, how we could make it better, and him repeating himself over and over again. He just couldn't, he didn't want to.

 

What could I do? I had to let it go. I don't know how I snapped myself out of this one. I think I made myself angry for a while. A month passed and one stupid evening I found myself dialing his number (easy to keep memorized, despite the fact that I had deleted it from my contacts). We both must have been slightly inebriated because we kept up a conversation for a bit. He ended it saying we should get together some time but only because I alluded to my moving out of state (an idea I had been seriously entertaining).

 

As that week went by, I decided the phone call was a step forward (was I insane?) and one night I called him to ask if I could come over. He immediately said okay and there I was, on his bed, just like old times. We talked, well, he talked a lot -- I mostly listened, feeling content just to be in his room, the lighting the way it was, everything smelled the same. Soon I found myself cuddled in his arms, he was rubbing my back. I asked if I could sleep there (I was having a few unsettled problems with roommates, but nothing to justify spending the night at his place), he said okay and made a motion to sleep on the couch. It didn't take much convincing to ask him to stay with me.

 

In the dark he apologized to me for everything, I admitted that I was still very hurt and sad. His hand found mine and I knew we were going to start kissing. The kissing led to sex, the sex led to him telling me how perfect I am, how much he missed me. We fell asleep together, I left early the next morning to get ready for work, but not before kissing him on his forehead. That day I hoped he would call, but by 3PM it was clear I was getting nothing. I called him, I asked him if he was upset or if he had any regrets, he said "No! Why would I?" ... we made a plan to grab some coffee later that evening, but something felt off.

 

Sure enough, although he picked me up and we drove together -- once sitting down with our drinks he acknowledged his fears that I had gotten the wrong idea about last night. I was confused, angry, freaked out ... in denial, I didn't yell at him until we got into the car. I demanded how he thought that was okay, he admitted he was a bit drunk (he did NOT seem drunk) and that he didn't remember things he said. When it was clear he was dropping me off I bargained my way back into his life, pleaded with him to let things happen slowly. I said I understood that he didn't want to jump into a relationship again, where I was demanding of all his time and attention ... I agreed to taking things slow and basically (the saddest moment of my life) suggested we take things as friends with benefits, stripped of the traumatizing title of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend".

 

You can imagine how well that went. It started off just great, we were watching television together and I asked him if he was still in love with me, as coyly as possible. He admitted that yes, he was, and we kissed. I didn't talk to him for two days after that, trying to convince myself that I could be strong, but soon I decided to make a plan for us to bike ride a trail. At first he said he was busy but I wasn't taking no for an answer (how psychotic do I appear? I thought I was being cute). We rode our bikes for a short amount of time, grabbed some lunch then went back to his place for a swim. In the pool I started to kiss him and made the mistake of telling him I loved him. Something shifted, something changed. We were going inside to make love, laying down in his bed when he asked, "Should we really be doing this?" I stayed quiet.

 

He said nothing had changed, he just couldn't do this. He couldn't be involved with anyone like this right now, he wasn't in love with me anymore. He couldn't conjure up any emotions toward me like that. How many more ways could he possibly say it? I gathered up my things and left. I found myself calling him soon after, my dignity was gone anyway, how much more could I lose? I told him lies, I told him I never loved him, I don't know where this manipulative person came from inside of me. I couldn't hurt him enough the way he had hurted me that week. He hung up on me. I proceeded to call back, he said if I wanted to remain his friend that I would back off and leave him alone.

 

I am in a place where I cannot back off and leave him alone. What am I holding onto and why can't I just let go? What does it take for someone to convince you they don't love you anymore. I have done crazier things than I have described in the above paragraph that I don't even have the strength to own up to in here. None of which have repaired my image to him, but I'M STILL HOLDING ON. I cannot believe that he is giving up on me like this, we have three and a half years together -- not just as lovers but as best friends. He was my world.

 

I'm crushed and confused and I need someone to tell me to get a grip.

[Thomas X Forever]

Get a grip.

 

...Seriously, there isn't much else to say. Not much anyone CAN say.

[Exit]

Well, take my advice worth a grain of salt as I am also holding on to someone who doesn't want me, but....

 

Neither of you are being very strong. You keep pursuing him and he keeps letting you spend time with him even though he knows you're going to think it means something. One of you needs to grow a backbone. He either needs to stop answering you and stop leading you on, or you need to stop pursuing.

 

You need to try to figure out why exactly you're chasing him so hard. Is he really THAT great? Do you just feel like 3 years is a lot to waste?

 

I know how it goes, the first couple times they bluntly tell you that they don't care anymore, you don't believe it, you think it'll blow over, and you want to be there for them when they change their mind. But at some point you have to accept reality. He hasn't wavered once in his decision. He probably gives in and spends time with you because he thinks he's helping you, but in reality he's hurting you.

 

I'm fairly certain you already know what you need to do. You need to be a strong person. You need to practice acceptance and letting go. Has pursuing him led you to any happiness, or just more pain? You've made it very clear that you want him back, he knows this, and there's nothing more you need to do except walk away.

 

You're not alone. I have a new message in my MySpace inbox and I pretty sure it's her response to the latest letter I sent her, but I don't have the guts to read it or even check if it IS from her. I'm avoiding it for the time being. I need to take the same advice that I just gave you. If she turns me down again, I have to accept it, instead of deciding that I'll write back to her again. I have to accept that this isn't a fluke, she's been gone for 2 months and has never changed her mind. I am wasting my energy on someone who doesn't care about me. It's not fun.

[indriyani]

That was actually the perfect response, especially:

 

He hasn't wavered once in his decision. He probably gives in and spends time with you because he thinks he's helping you, but in reality he's hurting you.

 

It seems like you, I have been wasting my energy too. Hopefully we both can be strong in the end. This definitely didn't dull the pain any, but you're absolutely right. I need to stop pursuing him and move on, and as much as I do know this and hear it from everyone in my life, I guess I needed an objective person to really say it to me. Thank you.

[New_life]

indri, alot of us have too done things we are not proud of. I feel your story so close to mine, so from now on you can't go anywhere except up. I mean this hole just has to get better. Let go of him, don't look at his twitter, just leave. And if you can leave state, do so.

[indriyani]

Thanks New_life, that was really encouraging. I never really looked at it that way. I am definitely trying to get out of state, I think that would be the healthiest thing for me right now. And I am avoiding his Twitter from now on.

[Peanut9330]

I have to tell you that I know how much it hurts to loose someone whom you truly love and have spent so much time with. However if u think about it the only person who is hurting is you, You need to be strong enogh to pull away from him because he has made it very clear to you that he does not love you. I know its hard becasue u dedicated so much time to him and your use to him being a part of your life but your hurting and by going back your just going through that pain over and over again. You just need to get away from him in order to heal and in time it will get better.

[Exit]

I know it's not easy. At some point today I'm going to have to read her message, and if it's not good, I have to let go. I can't sit here and start brainstorming what my next email to her will be about. It's time for me to give up.

 

So I guess we both need to be strong.

[Thomas X Forever]

Look at that avatar. You're a very pretty girl. You have lots ahead of you, what with the fact you are obviously sensitive and caring, plus beautiful.

 

But alas, no one (except sociopaths and narcissists) are immune to the pain you feel now. All you can do is embrace it, and smile as the pain rips you to shards.

 

I once said "Too much is never enough."

 

I said that before I knew the real pain of losing someone you love.

 

Now that I know the pain, you know what I tell myself to get through it?

 

Too much is never enough. Keep it coming.