cheyenne4282 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am eventually divorcing my husband but we are forced to live together because we cant sell our house and neither one of us can afford to move out. We also have a child. We get along but I want to start dating and I'm not willing to hold off until the house sells. That could take forever. I just dont want our homelife to be disrupted because of the dating thing....Any suggestions?
Thaddeus Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Let's dispense with the obfuscation, ok? Sounds to me like you're still married ("eventually divorcing my husband") but want some action on the side and refuse to control yourself until things are settled ("I'm not willing to hold off until the house sells.") The sense I get - and I'm willing to be wrong here, because it's not clear - is that you already have a new man lined up or are in the process of lining one up. In my world, that's called "cheating." The homelife is going to be disrupted. No way around it. The only question is if you can live with that. Choice, as always, is yours.
Jonesey Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Move out of the house and be honest with your husband..... period! I'll bite my tongue on this one.... J
vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am eventually divorcing my husband but we are forced to live together because we cant sell our house and neither one of us can afford to move out. We also have a child. We get along but I want to start dating and I'm not willing to hold off until the house sells. That could take forever. I just dont want our homelife to be disrupted because of the dating thing....Any suggestions? I always thought that going through a divorce is suppose to be a hard process and it's definitely a time that you should have for yourself. I don't think dating somebody after being a marriage with your husband is a great idea. Think of your child, too. What would your child think? At this stage, you can't be stubborn and think of your happiness. Your child is probably confused as to what's going on btwn mommy and daddy; and for you to add another man into your life... well, that's just even more confusing. I say, let the dating wait off for the sake of your child. It seems like you're seeking for something out of your marriage for you to want to date someone else so bad. If it's happiness you're seeking, you're not going to find that in another person. You need this time to really think about your situation. I don't know what caused you to file for divorce... but give this time to reflect.
vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I always thought that going through a divorce is suppose to be a hard process and it's definitely a time that you should have for yourself. I don't think dating somebody after being a marriage with your husband is a great idea. Think of your child, too. What would your child think? At this stage, you can't be stubborn and think of your happiness. Your child is probably confused as to what's going on btwn mommy and daddy; and for you to add another man into your life... well, that's just even more confusing. I say, let the dating wait off for the sake of your child. It seems like you're seeking for something out of your marriage for you to want to date someone else so bad. If it's happiness you're seeking, you're not going to find that in another person. You need this time to really think about your situation. I don't know what caused you to file for divorce... but give this time to reflect. if you read my forum, I thought I would find happiness in this other guy but the more I kept getting feedbacks from a lot of great ppl, I started to realize it was much bigger than that. My whole marriage was the issue itself. My husband has hurt me so many times and made me think nothing of it. The whole time I was seeking to get out of the marriage was bc he let me feel worthless. He let me feel like I had no control over myself. I am so grateful I went on this website, bc I was not thinking clearly... and a lot of different perspectives made me realize something totally different than what I had in mind before.
Author cheyenne4282 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 We are planning on getting a divorce but the living situation wont change.
carhill Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Cool. Did this but could afford to get my wife a new house, which is where she's living now. Separate your finances before filing. Agree on custody issues. Minimize legal expenses. BTW, this takes a lot of time and energy, going through all the details. No time to date, even if you are emotionally detached. It is a nice thought, but the reality of it is very different. You'll see this once you actually do something, rather than talking about it. .02 from someone well into the process
Author cheyenne4282 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Let's dispense with the obfuscation, ok? Sounds to me like you're still married ("eventually divorcing my husband") but want some action on the side and refuse to control yourself until things are settled ("I'm not willing to hold off until the house sells.") The sense I get - and I'm willing to be wrong here, because it's not clear - is that you already have a new man lined up or are in the process of lining one up. In my world, that's called "cheating." The homelife is going to be disrupted. No way around it. The only question is if you can live with that. Choice, as always, is yours. First of all, I wanted advice, not smart a** comments. Secondly, it wouldn't be cheating if my husband knows about it. We agreed that if we still lived together but were seperated and eventually divorced, we'd also live our seperate lives but if either one of us thought it affected one or the other too much, we'd both stop seeing other people
Author cheyenne4282 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Like I said earlier, its not so easy to move out when you don't have the $ spend on another mortgage or rent and I would never leave my child. Our homelife isnt as bad as you think, we get along as friends just fine but there are many issues between us that will never be resolved.
Thaddeus Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Secondly, it wouldn't be cheating if my husband knows about it. If you're married and having sex with another man, that's cheating. Full stop. It's not hard to understand. Look, I'm not giving you smart-a$$ comments. I stated a fact. Your home life will be disrupted. If you don't like the response, fine, then ignore it.
carhill Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Suggestions: 1. Date men whom are willing and interested in dating a woman who is still married and living with her husband and emotionally detached from him and awaiting her property settlement. Disclose that up-front. 2. Dates will be in public, in hotels or at gentleman's private residence. No dates will ever be able to come home with you without disrupting household. 3. You and husband agree on ground rules for dating, wrt disclosure of mom's whereabouts to children. You also agree on how your relationship will be presented to the children. Children are smart. They see things. They will ask questions. Plan it out in advance. Good luck!
PWSX3 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Once one of you start dating it will make things VERY uncomfortable at home. Like others have suggested it doesn't matter if you hate your H it is cheating no matter what until you are divorced. Even if you are wanting a divorce once the process starts & you move out you WILL still have feelings & emotions and it will be hard so I feel the dating is just a way to cover up the pain. If you try & not work thru the pain of the divorce & do the grieving then it will just follow you into another relationship down the road. Getting a divorce even if you want it isn't easy & it is stressful...... My wife moved out in Aug last year, filed in Jan. & we were divorced in April. I started seeing a girl from one of the classes I was taking in March and it does make it a lot harder even when you know you are done with the marriage. I did it & I wouldn't suggest it to someone if they asked me even though we are still dating & get along very well. There are just a lot of stuff that goes on in a divorce...
Author cheyenne4282 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks to those of you who put in your 2 cents without being rude about it. I appreciate that. One other question - What would I do once I am divorced but still living under the same roof because our house wont sell. We'd have to get on with our lives evenutally. And just to make it clear, there is no other man. Rude comments arent welcome.
Jonesey Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 There is no magical solution to your problem. Whether divorced or not, this situation will be very difficult for both parties and the child. It will be like watching a tennis match of emotion, back and forth. The only option to create the least amount of stress is for one of you to move out..... You also need to stop and think of the child. This situation could end up being like some weird love triangle type situation (if only in perspective of the child) that could be very difficult for the child to understand. From what I see, this situation has 2 adults who do not have the ability to live on their own (for whatever reason), want to disrupt the situation even more by bringing third parties into the mix and then possible risking the emotional health of the child involved. What is so difficult about your situation that either of you can't move out? I do not buy the house not being able to sell argument, there are options there as well. I went through it and it is hard work but it can be done if that's what your goal is.... J
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I agree with carhill's advice. If you're married and having sex with another man, that's cheating. Full stop. It's not hard to understand. This is not true. If the fact is openly known by all parties involved then there is NO cheating. There are poly couples or couples in open relationships where each of them has the right to have relationships/sex with other people on the side, and their partner knows about it. While it's open to debate whether this sort of arrangement is beneficial or harmful to the parties involved, it is NOT cheating.
thelostsoul89 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 If the both of you are really ok about doing this, theres only one piece of advise I can give you. Do not bring anyone home, this goes for both you and your husband. Go to their place or where ever else. If you bring someone home your child will be confused and most likley devestated, divorce is hard enough for children to understand.
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