rod_in_gtown Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I say at this point the ball is on his court. I'm thinking he probably feels like an ass right about now and is probably either writing back soon or calling you later tonight. Wait and see what he has to say and if it was a miscommunication you can always tell him about your guilt...
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Wow. What an *******. I couldn't have even texted him back because I wouldn't know what to say right away. Not to mention I wouldn't feel like he deserved a reply. Eventually, I'd probably get a pic of me making out with some guy and text that to him asking if that's what he had in mind. What a jerk.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Why exactly are you vacationing without him present?
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Why exactly are you vacationing without him present? ? What kind of question is that?
Jersey Shortie Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Especially for someone like Sxy who is all about the fun.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 What kind of question is that? It may or may not be relevant. If he were welcome to come, but for whatever reason could not is a much different scenario than if he were not invited. It would never happen, but if MrsSXY were to go on a trip to which I was unwelcome (excepting legitimate business trips) then I would be quite bitter about it, and checking out her hottie friends in the photos would be the least of my reaction.
amymarieca Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 What upsets me the most is that this is a man in his late thirties. This kind of behaviour I would expect from a teenager or someone in their early twenties. I've learned that maturity comes with the person, not with their age. I am 28 and I am dating someone who is 23. He is one of the most respectful and mature men I have ever been with. Last year, I dated someone who was 35 and he was immature and a total player!
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It may or may not be relevant. If he were welcome to come, but for whatever reason could not is a much different scenario than if he were not invited. It would never happen, but if MrsSXY were to go on a trip to which I was unwelcome (excepting legitimate business trips) then I would be quite bitter about it, and checking out her hottie friends in the photos would be the least of my reaction. Well I guess I am thinking that there is nothing wrong with your SO going on a trip with their friends while in a relationship. If she wanted to take a trip with her gf's... Nothing wrong with that. Besides, doesn't sound like they are overly long term. My last ex was furious that I went to a wedding in mexico that I had booked before meeting him. He spent weekends away with the boys camping and racing motorcycles- but it wasn't okay that I went away with my friends to Mexico 2 months after we met. If a guy made a comment like that about my friend- it would forever change the way I felt about him. Those are the kind of comments that stick to you. If my bf said that to me- I'd never feel the same about bringing him around my friends again. I'd never be able to get it out of my head that he was perving on my friends.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Well I guess I am thinking that there is nothing wrong with your SO going on a trip with their friends while in a relationship. If she wanted to take a trip with her gf's... Nothing wrong with that. Really? So a trip to which your SO is not welcome is OK with you? Or more to the point, your SO taking a (non-business-related) trip that you are not welcome to attend? Under no circumstances would I ever go on a vacation that MrsSXY was not invited to. My last ex was furious that I went to a wedding in mexico that I had booked before meeting him. He spent weekends away with the boys camping and racing motorcycles- but it wasn't okay that I went away with my friends to Mexico 2 months after we met. Something planned and scheduled prior to entering a relationship is understandable, but even then if it is practical for them to be included it's not an unreasonable request. If it were your choice not to go with "the boys" that's one thing, to be unwelcome is quite another. Boys (or girls) night out is one thing, a bonafide vacation something else. Of course, this is all hypothetical as the OP hasn't yet answered my question so we don't know the circumstances of this trip. I'd never be able to get it out of my head that he was perving on my friends. Here's a newsflash: No matter who you're dating, he's probably perving your friends. He may never say anything about it, and it's almost certain that he'd never do anything about it (assuming he values your relationship even a little) but it is happening.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Really? So a trip to which your SO is not welcome is OK with you? Or more to the point, your SO taking a (non-business-related) trip that you are not welcome to attend? Under no circumstances would I ever go on a vacation that MrsSXY was not invited to. Of course, it's called trust. I wouldn't date someone long term if I didn't trust them! It's not about "not being welcome"- it's about trusting your partner and being confident enough in your relationship to be okay when they want to bond with their friends. I can't imagine dating a man and expecting he give up his guy time- I am confident, and I am not controlling. I believe that my partner should enjoy his alone time with his friends. There is something deeply wrong with a relationship if one partner is so insecure that they can't handle their SO heading out for a same sex bonding expedition. Something planned and scheduled prior to entering a relationship is understandable, but even then if it is practical for them to be included it's not an unreasonable request. If it were your choice not to go with "the boys" that's one thing, to be unwelcome is quite another. Boys (or girls) night out is one thing, a bonafide vacation something else. Of course, this is all hypothetical as the OP hasn't yet answered my question so we don't know the circumstances of this trip. That's so incredibly silly. I'm not going to insist on being invited to a boys weekend. If I am long term with a person- It's because I trust them. Hell- I want my BF to have interests outside of me. It's healthy to continue enriching friendships and interests outside a relationship. I'm not jealous, and I am not needy in that sense. Here's a newsflash: No matter who you're dating, he's probably perving your friends. He may never say anything about it, and it's almost certain that he'd never do anything about it (assuming he values your relationship even a little) but it is happening Here's a new flash for you... I find other men hot and desire them when I am in a relationship. It's silly to hope that isn't the case. The difference is voicing it verses thinking it. Voicing it is indicative of someone that wants to hurt their partner.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 It's not about "not being welcome"- it's about trusting your partner and being confident enough in your relationship to be okay when they want to bond with their friends. I fear you have misunderstood me. I trust my wife 150%. So much so that we routinely share sexual experiences with other people. It's not about confidence, it's about the fact that we are a team and we come as a couple. I cannot even imagine wanting to go on a vacation without her. I can't imagine dating a man and expecting he give up his guy time- I am confident, and I am not controlling. I believe that my partner should enjoy his alone time with his friends. I don't disagree. There's a difference between "guy time" and "you are not welcome". It's healthy to continue enriching friendships and interests outside a relationship. I'm not jealous, and I am not needy in that sense. Probably repetitive, but I agree. It's not about jealousy. I have shared my wife many other men and women, and she has shared me with many other women. That said, to tell her that she IS NOT WELCOME to accompany me to a social event?? Never going to happen. Voicing it is indicative of someone that wants to hurt their partner. And if my partner told me she was going on vacation to an exotic location with palm trees, sand, interesting adult beverages, topless waitresses and other scantily dressed tourists and I was unwelcome to attend, I would WANT to cause her pain. In my case, that would never happen, but going back to the original point of my original question... why was she vacationing on a beach without her SO?
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I fear you have misunderstood me. I trust my wife 150%. So much so that we routinely share sexual experiences with other people. It's not about confidence, it's about the fact that we are a team and we come as a couple. I cannot even imagine wanting to go on a vacation without her. Well, that clears some things up. I don't disagree. There's a difference between "guy time" and "you are not welcome". We don't at all disagree on this. I concur. Probably repetitive, but I agree. It's not about jealousy. I have shared my wife many other men and women, and she has shared me with many other women. That said, to tell her that she IS NOT WELCOME to accompany me to a social event?? Never going to happen. Different situation that the OP is experiencing- but in your situation, agree. ... why was she vacationing on a beach without her SO? She hasn't said, but they don't sound like a long term couple.
minniezz Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Thats disrespectful.Totally.Maybe its a joke,maybe its not but i think the chance of him ganna cheat on you is available from now on.
NopeNah Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I'd say it's a Joke. But, I would need to see the pic to give an exact answer...so, my email is [email protected] kidding of course..but, I think it was a joke. Bad one..maybe..don't know the guy. Sounds like something I "might" say to get a laugh. Not in the begining of the relationship of course, not sure how long you've been dating.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Hope the OP comes back to update us on what happened.
dreamergrl Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I really think the comment was very rude and tasteless. A man in his 30's should not be playing the "Lets get her jealous" game.
Author rachel m Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Hi everyone and thanks for all the replies. First thing, the reason he wasn't invited is, like D-Lish pointed out, because we've only been together a few months and this "girl's reunion" had been planned before we met. He never expressed any concern on not being invited. If that were an issue for him, I would expect him to bring it up and then I would take his feelings into consideration. Turns out though, it isn't an issue for him. Anyway, he called last night. He claims he mistook my friend in the dark blue bikini for me, and that, in fact, the pics had bad definition on his computer. He is mortified about the misunderstanding and said himself a comment like that would be completely disrespectful. My friends and I did an analysis of the picture here, and they all agreed that one could mistake my friend and I in that pic, and that the play of shadows does make her bikini look black... Silly technical details. Anyway, since the comment really struck me as out of character for him, I choose to believe him.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Glad to hear at least one happy ending around here that didn't invovle a married man's trip to a massage parlor. Glad it worked out for you Rachel
rod_in_gtown Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Yeah, miscommunications are the cause of a lot of rifts in trust. Always better to clear them up before they fester the relationship.
butcher's hook Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 What a LOSER. Tell him: "the girl in the black bikini is a tranny, exactly how close up would you like that shot?"
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 He said your friend was hot. Wow. Big deal. Not the best move, but an innocent mistake. You sound very insecure, Rachel. Stop busting this guy's balls and let it go. Or go bust someone else's.
butcher's hook Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Ahh I dunno about that "innocent mistake" part, the guy is in his late 30's there is nothing innocent about what he did, he acted like a loser. The more I am thinking about this I bet any money that something in the way of what is going on either in the pictures or something you have said to him has made him jealous about the trip. I find that men sometimes lash out with childish loser comments out of left field much like this one, when they have been hurt or when they feel threatened on some level. I think something about this trip is making him feel threatened or insecure.
Author rachel m Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Kizik, you would be the first to actually say I was making a big deal out of this. As to my levels of security or insecurity, sorry man, you don't know me and you have very little to go on to make such an assessment. Read the rest of the thread and you'll see I did let it go. Yeah, miscommunications are the cause of a lot of rifts in trust. Always better to clear them up before they fester the relationship. I'm kind of proud of how he handled the situation. He was totally mature about it and understood that I was upset when I sent the email. I also liked that he totally understood why I was upset.
Author rachel m Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Ahh I dunno about that "innocent mistake" part, the guy is in his late 30's there is nothing innocent about what he did, he acted like a loser. The more I am thinking about this I bet any money that something in the way of what is going on either in the pictures or something you have said to him has made him jealous about the trip. I find that men sometimes lash out with childish loser comments out of left field much like this one, when they have been hurt or when they feel threatened on some level. I think something about this trip is making him feel threatened or insecure. I updated earlier today that he called and that he explained he had mistaken another one of my friends for me (result of the fact that friend and I do look alike and that her bikini did look black in the picture). I believe him. And he isn't jealous of the trip, as far as I can tell. Another reason he didn't join/wasn't invited is because he has to work this week. So far, he's always been very mature when we handled conflict, even this last little hiccup.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Kizik, you would be the first to actually say I was making a big deal out of this. As to my levels of security or insecurity, sorry man, you don't know me and you have very little to go on to make such an assessment. Read the rest of the thread and you'll see I did let it go. I read your whole thread, and still felt like you were upset over something very small. I hate having my words blown out of proportion, so I feel for your guy. In any case, it sounds like you've let him out of the doghouse. Good for both of you.
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