Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Okay so me and my ex girlfriend were dating for ~6 months. Everything was great! We were both happy, and it was the perfect love story. Then Summer hit... We were fine and everything. Then she went on a camping trip with her best friend Samantha. We had fought and argued a lot on that trip. I wasn't used to her being away. For 6 months she was there everyday, and I think I was just too desperate to talk to her. When she came back, I could tell something was different. It didn't feel the same. The way she talked and just the way she looked at me was different. We both noticed it and we talked about it and then stopped talking about it once we talked it into the ground. We couldn't figure out what it was. A few days later I thought things were back to normal, for a week I thought everything was fine. Then she went on another camping trip. It went fine. I thought we were fine. She came back and I thought things were still fine. Then later that night she said that she still felt things were different. I found out that she wanted to end the relationship. She said the spark went away, and that the love faded. She doesn't want us to be broken up and she still loves me so much, but she doesnt know what else to do. She said time wont change it and that she doesnt want to keep trying because if it hasn't changed in 3 weeks then it wont change ever. I went to her house to talk about it and we were talking and she was really upset that she was breaking up with me and she didnt want to but had no other choice she said. I was desperate and she knew it, and no matter what I said or tried to do, tried to talk about, she didnt want to change her mind. She was 100% set on breaking up. I think the reason she grew old of me, was because i never gave her distance to miss me. I was there EVERYDAY for her, whether she wanted to talk to me on the phone or wanted to hang out, I never told her I was busy, etc. I think I gave her too much of me. But now it's over. If I wait, with NC, will she miss me? Will she want to get back together? Because this is killing me.
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Find a member called 'Caliguy'. Read his signature link, "The No Contact Guide". Read it well, then re-read it. And stick to it, 110%.
dxb Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Depends on the girl. NC is the winning strategy though, every time. There are three possible outcomes and every single one of them is a win for you. Outcome 1: She doesn't come back and the time you have apart heals your loss Outcome 2: She does come back but the time you've had apart has led you to move on and want something else. Outcome 3: She comes back and you still want her. See? Every possible outcome is a win. You either get the girl, get another one, or don't necessarily get one straight away but don't have anything stopping you. NC works. Period. Be a rock and cut yourself off because you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain provided you know that any one of the three outcomes is possible. Don't go NC with a specific aim of getting her back; just go NC for the specific aim of sorting yourself out. If you make NC about what she does, it's not really NC.
Thaddeus Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Nobody can make anybody change their mind. No amount of love, of logic, of courtesy, of emotion will change anyone's mind who's already made up their mind. NC is the way to go for all the reasons stated here, and more. It also may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but it will work if you stick with it.
New_life Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Horrible you and I feel like that tradami, the whole meaning of I love you but im confused, what the hell does that mean?? Anyway, it turns out I already tried to fight for her, doesn't work. Just give her the space asap and NC, I feel you can work it out. She just likes the new things she is doing, and is seeing that she doesn't need you to have fun like that. Once it wears off, she will realize the mistake. Meanwhile do the same, go out do new things, try to not think about her.
adamt Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Sounds like she has had doubts in the back of her mind then gone camping and had a great time hangign out with her friend and then realised she isnt into you as much as she thought. Sometimes the ex does something or a situation happens and then realises its not what she wants. sounds liek she wants to hang out with her mates.My situation was kind of similar. her mom got ill and passed away and she now wants to hang out with friends and is changing. its like she wants to catch up over lost time and make the most of things and not have a boyfriend tagging along. all i can advise is move on and worry about the time if she comes back, but dont be waiting around
Thomas X Forever Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 What is with this crazy time line relationship? She falls in love after 6 months? First off, bs. At best, she has a strong feelings after 6 months. Love? No... Secondly, she thinks nothing will change after 3 weeks? Does this girl only have like 2 years to live?
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks for all the responses guys. It's really helpful. When you mean NC, does that mean when she talks to me, I dont talk back? Or just that i dont try to contact her? And Thomas... That's what I dont understand. And it wasn't even 3 weeks. It's not that things wouldn't change, it's just that she doesnt want to try. She's given up.
NopeNah Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks for all the responses guys. It's really helpful. When you mean NC, does that mean when she talks to me, I dont talk back? Or just that i dont try to contact her? And Thomas... That's what I dont understand. And it wasn't even 3 weeks. It's not that things wouldn't change, it's just that she doesnt want to try. She's given up. It means you don't talk to her period! You don't call,text,email,ect...and the same when she reaches out to you... you don't respond in any fashion. She wants no part of your life so, thats what you give her. As you said "she's given up". At this point nothing you say or do is going to change her mind. So, whats the point? If she wants you back she'll be sure you know about it.
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Yeah. But the thing is, she said she wants to be friends. She said she wants to still talk to me, and she wants to go back to how it was before we dated. While we were discussing I decided to ease tensions and joke around and she laughed and everything. I had thought she had changed her mind and we were going to stay together, and we joked around, it felt the same as when we were together, and then she said "Is this being friends okay with you?" and I was completely dumbfounded. She was okay with everything, she was happy, giggly, laughing and content with being friends, but not in a relationship. And I just dont understand how we can have things to talk about and she can be happy with me when we're friends but when we're together she can't. I think she's just confused. But I know for fact she's going to miss me. Because I've never in 6 months, told her I'm too busy to talk to her, hang out with her, etc. And now all of a sudden she's going to be sitting around kicking herself. I think she's confused and just isn't ready to be committed. But what I want to know is.. having NC, I go about my life as normal, but when she talks to me, when is the time that I talk back? When she's begging for me or what? Thank you in advance.
New_life Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you still want her back you can't be her friend. Imagine when she tells you she's going out with someone else, and she's in love, etc. If she wants to be friends its beacuse she knows she wants you in her life. So you be serious, you too are suffering so tell her no, that you want to move on. NC gives you that chance for her to realize that she only has 2 options: you in her life or not. If she calls you, try not to answer until she is willing to accept her mistake and get back together, not as before but slowly.
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 She kept telling me that she still wants me in her life. And that she still wants to be my friend. I told her I could be her friend, it would just take a while. I told her that she can talk to me when she wants. Now do I contact her and tell her that I dont want to be friends? Or just leave it as is and NC letting her figure it out on her own?
NopeNah Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 You can't be friends right now and get over her. Even by her wanting to do this shows that she's a bit selfish in not letting you heal. It'll definatley make her break up with you easier on her if you're still around. She gets to have it all. You're still there whenever SHE wants and she's still free to do whatever. ex: thursday night she wants to hangout,talk to you on the phone,grab a bite,ect..AS FRIENDS. Friday and saturdy night rolls around and she's out having the time of her new life and won't even bother to take/answer your calls, texts..Where'd your "friend" go? It's the ole' "Have your cake" saying..NC is to help you heal yourself. Also, How can she even begin to miss you, if you don't go away?
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Yeah. But the thing is, she said she wants to be friends. She said she wants to still talk to me, and she wants to go back to how it was before we dated. Tough luck, she doesn't get to have it all her own way. And how can you possibly "go back to how it was before you dated"...?? What about all the stuff in between? Does she expect that to not count? Like, 'let's just pretend it never happened....'? Oh please.....! While we were discussing I decided to ease tensions and joke around and she laughed and everything. I had thought she had changed her mind and we were going to stay together, and we joked around, it felt the same as when we were together, and then she said "Is this being friends okay with you?" and I was completely dumbfounded. See? LIke she gives a damn about how you're feeling.... this is all to make sure she's in the best place for her.... she's quite happy just breezing along - hell cares what you feel like! She just wants you there as a fall-guy. (commonly known as 'the patsy'.....) She was okay with everything, she was happy, giggly, laughing and content with being friends, but not in a relationship. And I just dont understand how we can have things to talk about and she can be happy with me when we're friends but when we're together she can't. It's called "Having your cake and eating it..." Not good enough to be with her, but adequate for a laugh I think she's just confused. But I know for fact she's going to miss me. Because I've never in 6 months, told her I'm too busy to talk to her, hang out with her, etc. And now all of a sudden she's going to be sitting around kicking herself. I think she's confused and just isn't ready to be committed. I doubt there is any confusion in her mind at all. She knows what she wants, and thinks she's being sweet, kind and generous by keeping you floating around on a back-burner, as a 'friendly punch in the arm' buddy. She's not. She's ripping your heart to shreds and ripping out the stitches.... But what I want to know is.. having NC, I go about my life as normal, but when she talks to me, when is the time that I talk back? When she's begging for me or what? You never talk to her. You never call her. You never e-mail her. You never text her. You never write to her. You never 'phone her. You never look her up on Facebook/Myspace. You cut her off completely.....and all of the above? You similarly bar her from doing any of it to you. No Contact is purely about accelerating your own opportunity to heal and move on. Nothing else. She can cry, beg, beseech, implore, cajole, plead and wail all she likes. She wanted this. Now - she's got it. Tell her it is complete NC from this moment on. "Please never get in touch with me ever again, until I feel I'm comfortable enough to see you standing in a garden, with another guy, a golden lab and three kids, and feel nothing but genuine happiness for you. I'll let you know when I get there. Until then - it finishes here. "
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 She wasn't happy and giggly cause she knew I was there. She was happy and giggly because she thought I was okay with it. As soon as she found out I wasn't she went to tears. I know she cares, it's just the love just faded. I mean, she's not this horrible person bent on torturing me and what not. And saying what you recomended saying to her, will tear my heart out. But if I have to do it, I have to do it.
New_life Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 tradami, we're right now in the exact same position. she was my best friend i was her everything, and she wants to go back to that friendship. I tried it, said it worth the pain to see her in my life. I found myself with more pain, seeing her with another guy, happy and her telling me about how they go out, etc. So totally agree with TaraMaiden, tell her you can't be friends.
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I plan on it. She had told me that if I cant be friends, tell her. So whatever happens, happens.
banser123 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Tradami, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am in a simialr situation (Section Friends and lovers : need thoughts, I am hurting). It is a horrible feeling, trust me, I understand. She ended it with me last year after dating only for a few months. Said no chemistry and no feelings. I work with her. For 3 months we didnt speak, very akward because we were great friends before we dated. After 3 months of NC, other than seeing her at work which I had no choice, she called me and we talked. We had another break up and are currently not talking but you never know. I know you want to get back but you need to let her initite it. If she really doesnt want it then what is the point. Just be patient and NC her. Hopefully she will realize how good you were to her and realize she made a mistake. if so and you are still available then all the best. In the meantime try to hang in there
Thomas X Forever Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you be friends with her, you're going to die inside. And I truly mean that. I decided to be friends with my first ex girlfriend. The mental scars and damage that that has caused, has not gone away after these years. You will die inside if you don't cut her off. Trust me.
Exit Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 There's nothing you can do. The same basic things happened to me. I was there for her during the entire stressful time she was in school and working 2 jobs. Then as graduation got nearer and she started hanging out with friends a little more often, suddenly it wasn't worth it to her to keep working on our relationship. She finished her big stressful final exam on a Friday, went out with her friends that night, Monday night we got into an argument again, and that's the last time we were together. I don't think it's a coincidence. Like someone else said, NC will work in a number of ways. Either you'll get over her, or she'll come back, or she'll come back but you'll already be over her. You don't have to be completely cold with your NC, if you want, explain to her exactly what you are doing. Say you are sorry, you prefer to give it another chance, but until she comes to the same realization, you have to be alone. This way she doesn't feel like you hate her or you dropped off the face of the earth.
Thaddeus Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you be friends with her, you're going to die inside. And I truly mean that. I decided to be friends with my first ex girlfriend. The mental scars and damage that that has caused, has not gone away after these years. You will die inside if you don't cut her off. Trust me. Quoted for truth. Been there, done that. Will never, ever do it again.
redy2 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 sorry for the pain your going through, ive had that told to me before as well and its never the smae the friendship deal doesnt work. but is it me or when girls dump guys they throw in the want to be friends still more than when a guy dumps a girl? when a guy dumps the gilr he usually doesnt utter that line. least i havent heard of it.
Author Tradami Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I made a mistake. I called her to explain that I dont want to have contact with her. Because I know she cares about me and I dont want to torture her, even though she's torturing me. But she didn't answer. Now I am torturing myself to wonder, what if she's having NC with me? Why didn't she answer? Now what do I do? Do I wait? Do I call her again? Do I wait for her to call me? What if she doesn't call me? How am I going to go on? I can't stop wondering what if. If she does call me, what do I say? Do I ask her how she's doing? Do I just straight up tell her, "Hi, I dont want to talk anymore. Not for a while." Do I tell her I dont want to talk to her, or do I tell her that I cant talk to her? So many questions are going through my mind. Everyone keeps saying to do things to get her off my mind, go hang out with friends. But the sad truth is...I dont have friends.
wow123 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Don't call again. If she does call you back you can tell her that you think it would be best to not be in contact for a while since she no longer wants to be in a relationship. Or you could just not answer and she will get the hint...up to you.
New_life Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 ok, well don't get the what ifs, she probably didnt see the call, have her phone etc. especially since she is the one that wants to be friends. Why don't you just send an email? I sent an email that read: Well this is it, at least we tried to work it as friends, and obviously I can’t be friends right now. Not because I have the feelings I did, but because I can’t yet be your friend and give you advise on other dates. Friends in a future? I doubt it, since we gave up right now, but who knows? And the friends? Well I too pushed everyone away for this person, so Im feeling alone too. I just try to do new things, and try to meet people. Also this forum helps me vent
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