Again I ask.... What is normal when it comes to amount of sex....

July 7, 2009

I thought I was normal, until I got here. A middle aged man, told he has a high sex drive and a wife who has little interest. Before we have the usual questions or comments. This is not about what we are doing wrong, does it work, does she have an orgasm, she's probably faking it, are we unhappy, do I pull my weight, are we still attracted to each other, have we gained weight, let ourselves go, hygiene questions...... For the record we are a perfect couple;)....

I have always wished for sex 2-3 X's a week, which I think is average and no big deal. My wife thinks I'm nuts and this is way too much.

We have read about sexless marriages, where once a month (only as a favour) or none at all is posted often.

However though I have read the exact opposite about what I consider extreme sexual appetites. 2-3 times a day, every day, at least every other day, sexually voracious women in there 40's-50's....

I don't know what is normal and I doubt my wife does.

Needless to say I am no sex addict by this forum....

July 7, 2009

IMO, there is no "normal" amount of sex a particular couple should be having. It's up to the two of them to decide what is the right amount.

That being said, at least 2-3 times a week seems to be average for a lot of couples that I know. I think that if it drops from that amount there may be a problem with communication or incompatible sex drives.

I do know for myself though that sometimes I am just too freaking tired to even think about sex. It's no reflection on my fiance, I'm extremely attracted to him and love him more than anything. Sometimes you just really aren't in the mood.

July 7, 2009

Generally there's a pattern of ebb and flow in a marriage.

First year or so you're banging so much that you miss appointments.

Then things settle down. Kids, mortgages, career pressures arrive on the scene. Wife is always tired. Sex diminishes. Not uncommon for marriages to become virtually sexless.

Kids grow up and eventually (hopefully!) leave home. Career is well-established. Mortgages are getting paid off. This often coincides with a woman's sexual peak in her late 30s. Frequency of sex usually increases. It won't get back to first-year levels, but it's more frequent than the "tired" years.

July 7, 2009

I've read, but am frankly too lazy at the moment to find the cite or look at the methodology, that "average" for a married couple is about 67 times a year.

July 7, 2009

Found some stats:

# 1% of married men reported they have never had sex in the past year, 13% reported only a few times in the past year, 43% reported a few times in the past month, 36% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).

And from here:

Americans appear to have the most sex at 132 times a year, with the Russians close behind at 122 times a year, the French at 121, and the Greeks at 115.
The countries with the lowest frequency of sex are Japan (37 times per), Malaysia (62) and China (69).
Couples living together report having sex 146 times per year.
Married couples make love 98 times per year.
Single folks are having sex the least at 49 times a year.
Four percent of the respondents to the survey claim to have sex daily.
57% say they have sex at least once per week.

July 7, 2009

No amount of sex is average. When two people are happy with the amount they have, then this is enough.

Personally, (yes, I am saying this), two to three times a week would be too much for me. For my wife a couple of times a month is plenty...and yes that is what we have . I think if we had it once a week, I would be happy.

We have a family and children. I think this makes a difference in the amount of sex. With our schedules and the children in the house, we could never fit two or three times a week. In fact, once a week would be hard.

Thaddeus, based on your statistics, I just discovered that I am Japanese.

July 7, 2009

Woody Allen in "Annie Hall" has a great line. Annie and he are having conversations with their respective psychiatrists about how often they have sex.

When his psychiatrist asks how often they have sex, Woody responds "Hardly ever, maybe 2 or 3 times a week."

When Annie answers the same question from her psychiatrist, she says "Constantly, at least 2 or 3 times a week."

So, perception is everything.

July 7, 2009

Woody Allen in "Annie Hall" has a great line. Annie and he are having conversations with their respective psychiatrists about how often they have sex.

When his psychiatrist asks how often they have sex, Woody responds "Hardly ever, maybe 2 or 3 times a week."

When Annie answers the same question from her psychiatrist, she says "Constantly, at least 2 or 3 times a week."

So, perception is everything.

As good a line as there ever was. The point is no one will say what is normal, but people certainly know when it is very little, I think.

However I read so many here, who are giving rabbits a run for their money and I must say I am envious......

July 8, 2009

I hate to bring the average down, but in my marriage it's 1-2 times per week. Those friends that the subject has come up with (and whom I don't think are BSing) report about the same. I think that couples married 10 years or more that honestly connect 4-5 times per week are few and far between...

Mr. Lucky

July 8, 2009

I'm in a somewhat similar boat, though in my case, my wife has some health issues that make it hard for her to enjoy sex, which then adds to her already lower sex drive.

I'm, by my nature, a '2x daily' guy. I could totally be happy and content with 1x daily during the week, and 2x on weekend days, no problem.

My wife is more of a 1x weekly person by nature, and since her problems started, it's been more like 1x monthly, with occasional dips to 1x quarterly.

I've had a really hard time with this, and it affects our relationship - I push, which polarizes the discussion, and reduces her interest, etc. Then I get hurt and withdrawn, which doesn't help. It's a well known cycle, described best that I've seen in the book 'The Sex-starved Marriage'.

The funny part is that until recently, just as the Annie Hall quote, both my wife and I have taken the position that our natural preference is 'normal', and the other person was therefore 'not normal'... when in fact, we're just pretty far out on opposite ends of the continuum.

Unfortunately, I don't really see an impactful change coming for me. My 'minimal' schedule if 1x on weekdays and 2x on weekend days is 468 times a year... 324 if you figure that for various reasons you only have sex 36 weeks a year, taking 16 off for travel, houseguests, monthly cycles, etc.

Since she's down for 12x annually, that leaves a gap of 312x a year. Even if she went sex-crazy, and multiplied her sex drive by five, we'd still have a 250x annual gap in what we consider 'normal'...

man, now I'm depressing myself...

July 8, 2009

I'm, by my nature, a '2x daily' guy. I could totally be happy and content with 1x daily during the week, and 2x on weekend days, no problem.

You may need a harem with different wives assigned different days - or maybe even times of day ...

Mr. Lucky

July 8, 2009

I do believe that there are frequencies that are "normal" and "abnormal". However, what is "normal" or not really matters less than whether or not you and your partner are HAPPY with your sex lives.

I think if you need sex more than 2x a day, regularly, everyday for months on end, then you are probably dealing with some kind of abnormal sexual addiction. Needing sex this much could lead to bad things, like drugs or one night stands with strangers just to meet your sexual needs.

On the alternative I think if you only desire sex once per month or less you have an abnormally low libido. This can similarly result in problems such as difficulty with intimacy and emotional imbalances. Low sexual libido can also be the consequence of a variety of physical and mental health problems.

I agree with Thaddeus about the ebb and flow over the years.

That said, if your wife has abnormally low drive, you can try to "fix" it. Things you might not even realize could be affecting her sex drive. A couple months ago, my girlfriend switched birth control pills. She's self-conscious enough to realize that afterwards she didn't "feel" like herself sexually. Her desire was much less than it had been, and she knows that isn't normal for her. She changed birth control pills again a couple weeks ago, and is now MUCH happier, and I'm quite happy as well. I'm not saying your wife's problem is necessarily what hormones she's taking, but that, other medication, job, health, etc could all be affecting her sex drive and she might not even know it. She might not have to just settle and accept that she has a low sex drive.

July 8, 2009

I agree with the ebbs and flows of sex in a relationship.

BUT....

Kids grow up and eventually (hopefully!) leave home. Career is well-established. Mortgages are getting paid off. This often coincides with a woman's sexual peak in her late 30s. Frequency of sex usually increases.

WHAT? Are you thinking that women start having children at age 15, and that we have all bought houses at age 20 with 15 year mortgages??

In actuality, a woman who has two children when she is 26 and 29 and whose kids go to college and then get jobs and apartments before they are really finished being "in and out of the nest" would be closer to 45-50 when the kids leave - just in time for menopause, vaginal thinning, loss of estrogen/testosterone production and lack of lubrication.

And mortgages are more typically paid off when a couple has been married for 25-35 years.

As to the OP - normal is what is good for you both as a couple. The more you fret about it, the more abnormal you will feel, and the more dissatisfied you will be with your sex life.

July 8, 2009

As other posters have said, it's all about perception, really...there is no absolute norm.

I tend to be happier with very frequent sex and have an abnormally high drive compared to most of my friends and prior boyfriends. Our first couple of years together my partner and I had sex every day, two or three times on the weekends, and we were both thrilled with that status quo. Things started to slow down because of HIM, not me; settled into a long-term relationship, he's perfectly happy with every other day, or 2-3x per week. I admit, that chafed me a little at first as I didn't feel ready to bank the fires quite yet, as it were. Also, he had just switched jobs to a more interesting but much more demanding position, and had more work-stress to contend with. I got a little frustrated occasionally and felt less desired, but I could understand where he was coming from and tried to adjust myself mentally.

BUT, then we had our baby, and now I'm more like one of those stereotypical 'tired wives' also mentioned upthread. Our son is a terrible sleeper, hasn't made it through the night yet, so I'm in a constant stupor of sleep deprivation and my drive has dwindled. Now we have sex on average 2-3x per week, still, but I'm much more okay with that . To be honest there are still times I'd rather step it up a little, but we're both exhausted and stressed. I guess what I have really let go of is the need/desire for the prolonged, inventive, athletic sessions. As long as we can still have those more intense nights a couple of times a month (and we do, thankfully), I'm perfectly happy now with more friendly but mechanical quickies 3x a week, just to get the job done.

I really can't say how that will change as our lives continue to change together, but...I'm sure it will.

July 9, 2009

As other posters have said, it's all about perception, really...there is no absolute norm.

I tend to be happier with very frequent sex and have an abnormally high drive compared to most of my friends and prior boyfriends. Our first couple of years together my partner and I had sex every day, two or three times on the weekends, and we were both thrilled with that status quo. Things started to slow down because of HIM, not me; settled into a long-term relationship, he's perfectly happy with every other day, or 2-3x per week. I admit, that chafed me a little at first as I didn't feel ready to bank the fires quite yet, as it were. Also, he had just switched jobs to a more interesting but much more demanding position, and had more work-stress to contend with. I got a little frustrated occasionally and felt less desired, but I could understand where he was coming from and tried to adjust myself mentally.

BUT, then we had our baby, and now I'm more like one of those stereotypical 'tired wives' also mentioned upthread. Our son is a terrible sleeper, hasn't made it through the night yet, so I'm in a constant stupor of sleep deprivation and my drive has dwindled. Now we have sex on average 2-3x per week, still, but I'm much more okay with that . To be honest there are still times I'd rather step it up a little, but we're both exhausted and stressed. I guess what I have really let go of is the need/desire for the prolonged, inventive, athletic sessions. As long as we can still have those more intense nights a couple of times a month (and we do, thankfully), I'm perfectly happy now with more friendly but mechanical quickies 3x a week, just to get the job done.

I really can't say how that will change as our lives continue to change together, but...I'm sure it will.

All I can say is wow....

I hate the comment that there is no such thing as normal..... There is..... I put it at 6-9X's a month (1 week is period).... Those that have it daily I'd say unequivocally are over-sexed and those averaging 1X a month are definitely way under-sexed.....

I'd rather be in the first group....

July 9, 2009

All I can say is wow....

I hate the comment that there is no such thing as normal..... There is..... I put it at 6-9X's a month (1 week is period).... Those that have it daily I'd say unequivocally are over-sexed and those averaging 1X a month are definitely way under-sexed.....

I'd rather be in the first group....

Was the eye-roll strictly necessary?

My intention was to illustrate that within the few years of our relationship, what was once 'normal' for us, no longer is. We have only been together four years; presumably, our normal sex life will be different again in ten years, due to whatever circumstances, and then somewhat different again ten years after that.

I still think that what is normal for one couple and one set of circumstances will seem unusual to another couple from their different perspective. After all, you say that to have sex once daily means one is OVERsexed, as if you are judging that a bad thing...to me, that is perfectly normal, particularly for a new relationship with the fires still burning hot.

You seem to be looking for a statistical average, but I don't see how those can apply across all marriages. Happily vs. unhappily married, young vs. older couples, child-free vs. with children, on hormonal birth control/antidepressants, healthy vs. ill...all of these factors will skew that kind of data.

July 9, 2009

I still think that what is normal for one couple and one set of circumstances will seem unusual to another couple from their different perspective. After all, you say that to have sex once daily means one is OVERsexed, as if you are judging that a bad thing...to me, that is perfectly normal, particularly for a new relationship with the fires still burning hot.

Agree. My girlfriend and I have been together almost 2 years, and there are some weeks where we have sex daily. Perfectly normal for us. We both know and expect that things will continue to fluctuate as time goes on.

July 9, 2009

happy with once a week, although it's more once every 10 days... but it's a big improvement from once a month of about a year ago...

July 9, 2009

However I read so many here, who are giving rabbits a run for their money and I must say I am envious......

I'm not sure if perception plays a part there as well.

Anyway, are you asking the question of how much sex is 'normal' to bolster your position in asking for more sex from your wife?

Oh and I should say we have sex at least four times a week. And to put that in context - we've been married for only just over a month, his two children are adults and don't live at home, we both work full time and I like getting 8 hours sleep a night.

July 9, 2009

Was the eye-roll strictly necessary?

My intention was to illustrate that within the few years of our relationship, what was once 'normal' for us, no longer is. We have only been together four years; presumably, our normal sex life will be different again in ten years, due to whatever circumstances, and then somewhat different again ten years after that.

I still think that what is normal for one couple and one set of circumstances will seem unusual to another couple from their different perspective. After all, you say that to have sex once daily means one is OVERsexed, as if you are judging that a bad thing...to me, that is perfectly normal, particularly for a new relationship with the fires still burning hot.

You seem to be looking for a statistical average, but I don't see how those can apply across all marriages. Happily vs. unhappily married, young vs. older couples, child-free vs. with children, on hormonal birth control/antidepressants, healthy vs. ill...all of these factors will skew that kind of data.

I was applauding you and did not mean it to be negative. Hey I wish it was daily, and no it won't be.

I would say predominantly anyone who has it once a month or less, wouldn't disagree they are under-sexed (or have a very low sex drive).

July 9, 2009

I would say predominantly anyone who has it once a month or less, wouldn't disagree they are under-sexed (or have a very low sex drive).

I would call it "sexless" marriage... I think it's agreed generally that a marriage in which the frequency of sex is once/month or less is indeed a "sexless marriage"...

July 9, 2009

I would say predominantly anyone who has it once a month or less, wouldn't disagree they are under-sexed (or have a very low sex drive).

While I think once a month is too little, others would disagree.

By defining someone who only wants it once a month as having a low sex drive, you are actually setting standards as to how much sex is normal. Someone who has it every day would consider once a week "a low sex drive." Someone who has sex once a year may consider once a month as "normal."

In this case, it is all relative and no standard can be set IMO.

July 9, 2009

I didn't notice an "Intro" forum but I'm new here so 'hi there, folks'.

TooDP,

I'm not aware of a "normal" for frequency except to say that "normal" in a healthy marriage could be a frequency which most likely challenges the low sex drive spouse and reasonably satisfies the high-SD spouse. Obviously, if their SD's don't match a couple needs to come to some mutually agreed upon frequency.

My dh and I are pretty evenly matched with SD and desired frequency. I've been told that that is rare in a marriage. We have sex most days and some days we do both morning and night. He's out of town on business 1-2 nights every couple weeks so those are our "sex break days".

July 9, 2009

I was applauding you and did not mean it to be negative. Hey I wish it was daily, and no it won't be.

I would say predominantly anyone who has it once a month or less, wouldn't disagree they are under-sexed (or have a very low sex drive).

Then I misread you, sorry. As for the once-a-month definition: from my own perspective, I would never argue with that. I once had a relationship with sex levels that fell that low, and it was a problem for me. Of course, we were both young, no kids, only together a year and a half...in our case it was a signifier of bigger problems in the relationship.

July 10, 2009

Of course, we were both young, no kids, only together a year and a half...in our case it was a signifier of bigger problems in the relationship.

Absent the feeling from BOTH partners that once a month was appropriate frequency, I think that in all cases it signifies a bigger problem. If the two people involved can't come to a consensus on something as important and vital as sex, then there's something else missing - communication, consideration, regard, respect, etc.

What I don't believe is the posters that say "We never/hardly ever have sex, but other than that our relationship is perfect". Doesn't add up...

Mr. Lucky

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Again I ask.... What is normal when it comes to amount of sex....

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