Mountainlove Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hello I just saw my boyfriend again for 2 weeks and even though we had a great time there was something which really started to annoy me... We had a conversation about ex relationships and he told me that he is still friends with his ex who he was seeing for 3 years. He said that maybe once a month they meet up for coffee. When he told me I did not really minded...Well I am not friends with any of my exes but I know some people are and as they only meet once in a while I did not mind. The confersation moved then over to jealousy and I said that in some past relationships I was jealous and in some I wasn't. I don't know how things moved from this stage but he suddenly said that I should not be jealous about him and the friendship with his ex and that I should never ask him to choose between me and her because I would loose. That comment really hurt because I now feel that his ex comes before me. In the past I decided to move to him to be together with him meaning I will leave all my friends behind but knowing that he would even put an ex girlfriend who turned friend before me makes me really upset. I really don't know what to think anymore. Am I being stupid? Do I over react? I really feel like texting him now saying that if an ex is more important than me, he can have it his way but not with me at his site anymore. Please help!!!
hoping2heal Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hello I just saw my boyfriend again for 2 weeks and even though we had a great time there was something which really started to annoy me... We had a conversation about ex relationships and he told me that he is still friends with his ex who he was seeing for 3 years. He said that maybe once a month they meet up for coffee. When he told me I did not really minded...Well I am not friends with any of my exes but I know some people are and as they only meet once in a while I did not mind. The confersation moved then over to jealousy and I said that in some past relationships I was jealous and in some I wasn't. I don't know how things moved from this stage but he suddenly said that I should not be jealous about him and the friendship with his ex and that I should never ask him to choose between me and her because I would loose. That comment really hurt because I now feel that his ex comes before me. In the past I decided to move to him to be together with him meaning I will leave all my friends behind but knowing that he would even put an ex girlfriend who turned friend before me makes me really upset. I really don't know what to think anymore. Am I being stupid? Do I over react? I really feel like texting him now saying that if an ex is more important than me, he can have it his way but not with me at his site anymore. Please help!!! You need to make this decision for yourself. None of us know your relationship as well as you do. I can tell you, that no ex would ever come before my current partner. If my partner ever said that to me, it would hurt a lot but it would be bye bye bye! I would never settle for second best. Again though, you know both sides of the story and what is going on. I can only post on the limited information given.
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 The reasons they're an ex- is because of an irreconcilable incompatibility. If that problem is still not enough to make you - current partner and as it stands, more compatible - more important, and the one to choose if asked - then you can just f...orget about it. I'd tell him if she'd win, then she can have him. You don't care to be current, yet still 2nd-best. Get the hell outta here!
Rollercoasterr Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you'd lose to her, then why isn't he with her? You don't EVER need to be someone second best. That is disrespectful to you. If she's more important to him than you, then let him have her. He's obviously holding some kind of feelings for her if he'd pick her over his girlfriend! This seriously makes me FURIOUS when men act this way. Argh!
2sure Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 He is laying the ground work for treating you like crap. By telling you up front you better not expect to come before or even interfere with other relationships he may have. If you accept this, you have all but put it in writing that you are ok with this type of treatment.
Island Girl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I would have left that visit with a "Good-bye. It's been fun. Don't call me again." What happens if you need him for whatever reason - an urgent situation - and she calls needing his assistance too?? He goes to her side while you sit waiting for him next in line??!! SCREW THAT! When you choose a partner in this world then, in a healthy relationship, that partner is FIRST before ALL ELSE. A strong and healthy relationship has both people feeling that same way. If he has already told you there is someone in his life that you are less important than - well then, it is time for you to end it and look elsewhere for your happily ever after because this won't be it. Unbelievable. I can't believe he said that and the thought you'd stick around! You surely aren't going to...are you?!!
Lostgurl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Just. Go. I know how horrible it feels to be in this position. If you stay, it will eat you up. Why be someone's second best? Find someone that will put you before their moldy old ex.
Adunaphel Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I do not think you are overreacting, but I'd investigate into what he meant before leaving the relationship. I guess there is a slim chance that he just meant "never ask me to drop a friend or someone who has been very important in my life for you". Perhaps he has issues from previous relationships that are coming out. Anyway discuss this asap with him... and stand your ground.. as 2sure said it is easy to escalate into being treated poorly. If he really meant it... well, I hope you find the strength to walk away and do not settle for being second best.
Els Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Wait.. you didn't ask him to clarify??? What exactly did he say? My gut reaction is of course to call him a loser etc... but then I wondered, what if he'd just said 'If you ever try to forbid me from keeping in contact with an ex, I'd leave', or something of the sort? That would be a different barrel of fish entirely! I strongly suggest you call him (not text him) immediately and ask him exactly what he means and what it would entail. If it truly means that he would put you behind her in everything (wtf?? why would any sane guy want to do that?), you definitely should go.
LDR Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 You are not overreacting. As the previous posters said, if you are in a relationship, you should come first. . . you should never be 2nd. The nerve he has to tell you that you are 2nd to his ex! How long ago did they break up? Who broke up with who? If she left him, he might still be harboring some feelings for her, specially if the relationship lasted 3 years.
Bearandsue Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If I cannot be first above all before me then there is no relationship. I am the Jealous Psycho girlfriend(or should I say Wife hee hee). That would not fly with me. I wouldn't stay with someone who had the gall to say that to my face. It might be a sign of worst things to come.
rachel m Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I would definitely be upset. How long have you been together? If it's only been a couple of months, then his comment was immature, but perhaps warranted on the basis that you two are still getting to know each other. If, however, the relationship is serious, then you do need clarifications. Make sure to tell him this isn't about the ex, but about how he perceives your relationship.
Colorado Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 That must be hurt, mountainlove, I read your bf's comment twice, i was thinking either way you shouldn't give up your friends and your own life, you know what? he is not only giving priority to his ex, but also he is saying his needs, his lifeway are more important than you, if you try to change him, you will lose.
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