Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 we probably talked a little over 3 months before meeting, this was on chat and by phone. i have no idea why his marriage ended...he never told me. even if i asked him, im sure he would come up with an excuse to make himself look better. we may have had sex too soon, but i dont know....the emotions were there for me and i thought for him as well....maybe i was wrong about that. if i could go back maybe i would have waited longer. it may or may have not helped the relationship. well, its a fact I can be over sensitive, and make a big deal out of things, but i also know that i dated my share of "jerks" and i know im not just getting upset for no reason. i do wish i had handled some things differently, its just hard when someone is so insensitive. im sick of being mistreated. Could you define 'long time'? For example, my wife and I met online (over a decade ago) and talked online for about a month before meeting, due to distance (about 60 miles at that time). I'm trying to get a sense of how the relationship developed. So, you know that he had a prior GF and that he was married for 10 months, so evidently had a LTR with that person as well, prior to being married. What prompted these disclosures? At that time, was he proactive, or reactive (meaning you asked him specific questions)? Do you think you had sex too soon? Why? You didn't mention your relationship history. Evidently, some personal friends/family agree that you 'maybe make too big a deal out of things sometimes'; do you think that this is a pattern for you, or unique to this relationship? What I'm doing here is essentially the same work our psychologist did interviewing us in MC. Building a framework for understanding. It's easy to say he's insensitive and you over-react, but does that really help you? IDK. Apparently, so far, it's unclear. What do you want to happen? Tomorrow?
torranceshipman Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I changed my mind...I will post on here one more time, as I just saw your really catty reply.... Going by your screen name, and your recent horrible situation with your man, clearly you are in a bad place, and life isn't going too well for you right now. I'm taking the higher ground and saying...good luck to you, and I hope it all works out. I have a lovely life and am a very happy, lucky person, so I don't have any bad feeling toward anyone - I wish everyone could have such a cool time of things like I do these days - but I do know that people who are very bitchy usually are very unhappy - and that does sound like it is the case with you. So I hope that your fortunes turn round soon. Personally, I wouldn't wish unhappiness on anyone, so no matter how bitchy you are being to me, I do not wish to reciprocate it. Good luck with everything...and try not to attack other people that are nice/normal to you, as I think it might really badly be ruining your relationships... p.s. if you really were a cheerleader, you need to work on the cheerleader spirit, girl
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 What a coincidence ..you come back on this thread to take another shot on getting on my LAST nerve. if you have as little concern for someone's emotions as you appear to, like i said its best to get off this thread and find a hobby. there are ways of telling someone what you think and maintaining some compassion and respect. Fact is you don't seem like a nice person and UPDATE you have reciprocated being bitchy! For your info, you know nothing about my past relationships so that doesn't give you the right to make assumptions as to why they didn't work. Also, if you are so happy go lucky "torrence" then you wouldn't be spending so much time debating with an unhappy person on this forum. if i was that happy, i sure wouldn't be living on here 24/7. my guess is your are bored and your love life sucks so you have the need to interrogate others about theirs. and yes im going through a bad time, I'm not usually this upset nor unhappy. its life...people sometimes get down, it only takes compassionate/nice people to understand that. I don't get what some people get out of coming on here, and instead of giving advise in a proper, civilized manner, that offend someone, and expect the person to not take up for themselves. nothing wrong with giving advise and your opinions, but its obvious some of these post are coming from people begging to start confrontation.....so I may have a few things to work on personally, but you clearly do as well... I changed my mind...I will post on here one more time, as I just saw your really catty reply.... Going by your screen name, and your recent horrible situation with your man, clearly you are in a bad place, and life isn't going too well for you right now. I'm taking the higher ground and saying...good luck to you, and I hope it all works out. I have a lovely life and am a very happy, lucky person, so I don't have any bad feeling toward anyone - I wish everyone could have such a cool time of things like I do these days - but I do know that people who are very bitchy usually are very unhappy - and that does sound like it is the case with you. So I hope that your fortunes turn round soon. Personally, I wouldn't wish unhappiness on anyone, so no matter how bitchy you are being to me, I do not wish to reciprocate it. Good luck with everything...and try not to attack other people that are nice/normal to you, as I think it might really badly be ruining your relationships... p.s. if you really were a cheerleader, you need to work on the cheerleader spirit, girl
whimsical_memory Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Wow, so this is a pattern you have of attacking people? Good luck in your future! And may any man that attempts to be in a relationship with you have tons of patience and the ability to put up with you.
carhill Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 we probably talked a little over 3 months before meeting, this was on chat and by phone. i have no idea why his marriage ended...he never told me. even if i asked him, im sure he would come up with an excuse to make himself look better. Was this delay in meeting due to LD issues or was one of you otherwise unavailable for dating? I ask because of your response below: we may have had sex too soon, but i dont know....the emotions were there for me and i thought for him as well....maybe i was wrong about that. if i could go back maybe i would have waited longer. it may or may have not helped the relationship. This is an issue when developing an emotional attachment to someone whom one does not know in person. It can be almost unreal. Many aspects of the person are glossed over or disregarded. well, its a fact I can be over sensitive, and make a big deal out of things, but i also know that i dated my share of "jerks" and i know im not just getting upset for no reason. i do wish i had handled some things differently, its just hard when someone is so insensitive. im sick of being mistreated.I hear your frustration and share it. Such caused me to move to divorce my wife. It was in MC where I learned about emotional setpoints and compatible emotional styles. If you're sensitive in general, understanding this dynamic is even more important. It helped me understand that my wife is not a 'jerkette' but rather that our emotional styles are so incompatible that finding a middle ground was unhealthy for both of us. We get along fine as long as we're not intimate and married. Think back to when you and this man were talking online for three months. It was different, wasn't it? Where did that go? What was really there? See, it's easy to tell you to lose the jerk (or tell tell me the same) but, IMO, the more difficult task is finding out why we need to do that; what is it about us that causes this dynamic to occur. How can we understand ourselves better to make more informed and healthier choices in the future? Food for thought
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Wow, so this is a pattern you have of attacking people? Good luck in your future! And may any man that attempts to be in a relationship with you have tons of patience and the ability to put up with you. you and your buddy TORRENCE or whatever the heck her name is........started the attacking. Do not turn this around on me. Now, no one else that has responded to this thread, has been so rude and obnoxious as you two. You know that I'm already upset as can be about my BF situation, and you are being really inconsiderate about it. You don't know me nor my BF enough to be making assumptions like you have. Maybe you and the other girl could have tried asking a few questions about my relationship(like a normal person) before jumping all over me and coming to such conclusions? Again, I appreciate advise, but I think it was stated in a nasty manner with NO compassion or respect. ok, so you wonder what man would put up with me huh? lets see SINGLE mother of three........real interesting
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 um the delay in meeting was because i wasn't sure if i even wanted to meet him for certain reasons...then after a while , i started to develop feelings. maybe i should have went with my instincts to begin with..there were quite a few things, that i questioned as to why maybe i shouldn't meet this person in the first place, but i decided to give it a chance. we have had some arguments before, online mostly lol....but maybe one on the phone, and believe it or not the only 2 arguments in person were related to intimacy...in the beginning we were fine in that aspect..not sure what happened later on. over the past few months we seemed to argue more and more, maybe that was a good sign its not going to work. Was this delay in meeting due to LD issues or was one of you otherwise unavailable for dating? I ask because of your response below: This is an issue when developing an emotional attachment to someone whom one does not know in person. It can be almost unreal. Many aspects of the person are glossed over or disregarded. I hear your frustration and share it. Such caused me to move to divorce my wife. It was in MC where I learned about emotional setpoints and compatible emotional styles. If you're sensitive in general, understanding this dynamic is even more important. It helped me understand that my wife is not a 'jerkette' but rather that our emotional styles are so incompatible that finding a middle ground was unhealthy for both of us. We get along fine as long as we're not intimate and married. Think back to when you and this man were talking online for three months. It was different, wasn't it? Where did that go? What was really there? See, it's easy to tell you to lose the jerk (or tell tell me the same) but, IMO, the more difficult task is finding out why we need to do that; what is it about us that causes this dynamic to occur. How can we understand ourselves better to make more informed and healthier choices in the future? Food for thought
BWLoca Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 So, next time when he wants to get off, you roll over and say you're tired. Or make sure it's all about you next time. But if after the way you reacted, he can't pick up the phone to see if you're mad/hurt, there shouldn't even be a next time. It's not silly for you to want to know that he cares about your needs, but the crying, sleeping in another room...that was still you looking for validation of his feelings. And you chasing after him the next morning only made it okay for him to treat you that way because your actions are saying to him "you're right, I'm wrong." And if he wants to act like he doesn't have time, treat him that way.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 after posting this thread, i actually recall a few times where he showed his a**, because he didn't get off. it wasn't anything extreme, but it almost caused another dispute when we were at the beach about 4 months ago. i remember him almost pouting and acting like he was in discomfort over this. its absolutely ridiculous. the thing is the times he hasn't got off during sex, i always show compassion, even if i feel i cant' go anymore. anyways, i found out today through someone he knows, that he possibly was trying to hook up with another girl while we were still together. this is incredibly heart breaking. also, i heard he has already gone out on a few dates..so yeah there won't be a next time. apparently he initiated the breakup by ignoring me.(still never said a word to me)..and moved on quickly..that was real nice of him, after just the other week, telling me he loved me with all his heart ect ect....... So, next time when he wants to get off, you roll over and say you're tired. Or make sure it's all about you next time. But if after the way you reacted, he can't pick up the phone to see if you're mad/hurt, there shouldn't even be a next time. It's not silly for you to want to know that he cares about your needs, but the crying, sleeping in another room...that was still you looking for validation of his feelings. And you chasing after him the next morning only made it okay for him to treat you that way because your actions are saying to him "you're right, I'm wrong." And if he wants to act like he doesn't have time, treat him that way.
BWLoca Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm sorry to hear it ended that way. You'll definitely find someone who appreciates you as you sound like a very caring person. I would just chalk it up to a lesson learned. Actions speak louder than words. He says he loves you but is he treating you in a loving way? Call me mean but if I felt like I couldn't go anymore, then I just wouldn't. He's not going to die if he doesn't get off.
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