aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I had previously posted in the breakup section about my bf ignoring me after argument. anyways, i was thinking I would ask someone's opinion about the argument we had. This is pretty personal and sorry if I offend anyone, but unfortunately argument was related to sex lol. Anyways, on Wed night, I was feeling a little moody, which Im sure didn't help the argument. I had told him earlier while we were sitting on couch that I think i was sexually frustrated.....in a cute way that is. Ok, so keep in mind the Monday of this week...I JUST helped "him", if you know what I mean. we ended up being intimate that night, and usually my bf would act like he really wants me to climax during sex. he would literally mention it during sex. this time, if i remember correctly, he was asking me if i wanted him to climax...and then he did probably less than 10 min. he has always held out, and he acted like it had been a while so he couldn't control it. I do not mind this at all, but keep in mind i had already told him specifically i was horny that night lol. its fine if he orgasms and i dont, BUT.....after he was done he didn't even act like he cared if i did, or say anything regarding it. i then went to the bathroom for a min as usual, and when i came out, he had went into kitchen got a drink, and apparently went to computer messing with computer games .....i went and sat down on couch again in living room next to him . i couldn't help myself, i was in an even worse mood. dont get me wrong i love just having sex with him and being close, but of all nights i really felt like i needed to climax and i wondered why he didn't seem to mention it or seem to care. i asked him if he knew i didn't get off and all he said was "oh...im sorry" in a careless way. i tried to control how i felt, and went on into bedroom and he was shortly coming to bed. i told him i couldnt sleep i was frustrated and asked why he didn't offer to help me and honestly everything seemed to be about him tonight. we got into an argument over this, and all he did was turn away from me and say" i have to go to sleep....i have to work tomorrow".....eventually i start crying..yeah i know stupid, but he was turning his back to me and i felt alone and so frustrated! i felt like he was being so thoughtless. i don't know if i overeacted..i felt i did a little, but the thing is i wasnt mad because he got off and i didn't....its the fact that he acted like he cared less if i did.....and of all nights when he knew i was very frustrated. my question is.....was he being insensitive and a jerk, or what? then i got so upset i slept in other room and couldn't hardly sleep all night....the next day.....i again tried to talk to him about this and basically make up, but he acted like he didn't have time and he had to go to work....which was true but still. its like he wanted to avoid me or discussing anything. i know a big deal was made out of something silly, but at the same time what girl wants to feel like a guy doesn't care about her needs, especially during making love? he hasn't spoken to me since......so i don't know..i feel a little bad about how i acted but was it all my fault .i dont think so........what do you think? thanks:(
kyle1234 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 maybe its too early for sex to be in the relarionship...if your having these fights maybe you too should focus more on getting along better and becomeing better friends
torranceshipman Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Tbh, the guy was a bit insensitive, but I'd have been freaked out by your reaction if I was him. It sounds like SO much drama - sulking, being angry, crying, trying to push to make up in the morning before work - I personally couldn't handle that...sex is meant to be fun, and there seems to be an absence of fun here!! That said, if he really cares about you, I don't think this is a dealbreaker but you seriously (in my opinion) need to chill out more and find out a far better way of expressing your feelings (as I did think you had a valid reason to say something - its just the way that you communicated it).
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 He was being insensitive. That said, you handled it very poorly. You are responsible for your own orgasm.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 i see i finally got some replies..ok "im responsible for my own orgasm", what the hell? i thought one of the reasons for sex was to help please someone..... do you not see the point..he didn't act like he cared about me during sex? also, i did try to handle it in a reasonable way, but he only acted more insensitive and didn't have nothing really to say or nor did he act like he wanted to help me that night....the reason i started crying is because he was turning his back to me. and i realized what a jackass he was being towards my feelings and needs....whatever thanks for the dumb advise lol
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I agree with you. He was being an insensitive ass. However, at the risk of being repetitive, you are in fact responsible for your own orgasm, and the sooner you internalize that, the better off you will be. Now, that does not mean your partner does not have a responsibility to you, nor does it mean that I am telling you to masturbate in lieu of sex. But it does mean you have to accept responsibility for your actions. Were I in your shoes, I would have "suggested" that he had a job to finish before he moved on to whatever was next. If that failed, I would indeed have literally taken matters into my own hands. I am not absolving your partner, he needs to man up and do the right thing too. Personally, I do not consider the job done until my partner is unable to walk right for at least an hour or two.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 you don't even know this person. actually the previous time we had sex, i had some issues of discomfort due to a problem i have.....after trying a few positions in which was uncomfortable to me.....he acted like he was upset and fed up and abruptly said "lets just stop" and walks off and im literally still laying there with my legs open....i never said i wanted to stop or nothing, i didn't even really complain, but he could tell by facial expression it wasn't all that pleasing, plus i said yes it was a little uncomfortable....once again i felt he was disrespecting me and wasn't being considerate. i was so upset...i don't understand why he handled it that way. its already difficult for a woman to deal with issues like this, but he only worsened it instead of comforting me. that night i just wanted to be close to him and have sex and he acted like a jackass no doubt. i think this past time we had sex, maybe i was still remembering the way he acted the time before, and that is where some of my anger and frustration was coming from....... and no i still don't get the comment that im responsible for my own orgasm. i realize technically you are , but my point was that he didn't shown his concern for pleasing me......when you really love someone , like he told me he did, you WANT to please them....whether its during sex or what not. also, how was my reply verbally abusive...i respect others opinions, but its just hard because i feel he was really being a jerk to me although i know i made too big a deal out of it.
torranceshipman Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 We keep agreeing with you that yes, he was being insensitive. BUT you need to understand that your method of communicating with him is way too over the top and you need to be more laid back/chilled out/diplomatic, etc. I think taking responsibility might be a key issue for you here. Often people don't respond the way you want, or they do something that is very unfair, but you still need to take responsibility for your own happiness...this will dictate the way you will choose to respond to work out the most attractive outcome for yourself. Overreacting is not going to help anyone...you might even decide the situation is past saving and dump him, as he is so insensitive. Or you might change the way you are reacting, and work out if you're making his reaction worse by your being a bit histrionic....
LovieDove24 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am agreeing with above poster about you two not being ready for sex in the relationship. Mucks things up if you're not emotionally stable as a couple.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 its funny how only MEN have responded to this thread....i'm not saying men do not know how to give constructive criticism, but they also see things differently than women. im surprised the last comment was from a woman LOL. if some had bothered to read what i wrote, im FULLY aware that i overreacted and could/should have handled the way i acted differently....did anyone even read about how he acted the previous time we had sex? you have to admit that was completely insensitive towards me especially being that i couldn't help i was in discomfort, and i have every right to be upset about that...........the thing is, i have apologized to him for this last time, overreacting and all and im aware it was mostly my fault, and he has yet to say ONE word to me for about 12 days now. its not like it was entirely my fault either. i guess i did scare him off or something, but if i apologized for this, i think after 8 months, i at least deserve a word from him. he needs to realize he is insensitive all the time, and not just in the bed. its interesting, how i was upset with him, but i still was trying to call him and contact him, but he totally ignores me.
torranceshipman Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm female. So, you're doing it again....you get advice and you don't listen - there's just this long rant from you about how everyone is being unfair, that only men really post (you're jumping to incorrect assumptions because you don't like what you hear). Read what I said: AGAIN I'll point out that many posters agreed with you that he is insensitive BUT you need to change your own behavior too. I'm really sorry that he's stopped talking to you, and maybe it is over, and that sucks, but the fact remains - you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. If you both did something bad in this situation, then you both need to look at your actions... Sorry to hear he isn't even speaking to you, though - that's really immature of him after 8 months of dating - tbh, he doesn't sound very nice...
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 torrenceship"man", is female? I could have sworn by your reactions, you are 100% male. I noticed your profile says gender, rather not say. It seems to me you might try focusing more of your energy figuring out your sexuality rather than responding to my posts. lol jk.....anyways, I've listened to all the advise on this thread and appreciate it. I just think a few of the comments, could have been a little more sympathetic towards a WOMAN"S feelings, and I'm wondering if you really read everything I wrote. The only comment I totally didn't agree on and think was inappropriate was "im responsible for my own orgasm". Also, you say he was only a bit insensitive and based on how he acted both times we had sex, i would say that was way more than a little insensitive, but everyone does have a different opinion. Torrence..You had to attack me and call me childish over this, i have a miserable attitude and keep on and on. I was hoping to have a little more sympathy from someone who understands how women feel when a guy doesn't treat them the best.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm with sxyNYcpl on this one. YOU and you alone are responsible for your orgasm. If the partner you have chosen doesn't satisfy you and that's important to you - then leave. It's like having a broken vibrator and getting pissed and crying rather than just throwing it away and finding a new one. Since he IS an insensitive ass, why is this so hard? He DOES sound like a jerk. He made a total poor move. YES, it's important to have that intimate connection. Since this is something important enough to you to start a fight, it's obviously important to you - kick the trash to the curb. Let him go find somebody that doesn't mind being his cum dumpster without any reciprocation. I do think you over-reacted. I would have mentioned my needs and had I gotten the flip reaction that you got, I would have gone in the other room, very vocally gotten myself off...then I would have either left (if I was at his place) or told him to get the **** out.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I'm with sxyNYcpl on this one. YOU and you alone are responsible for your orgasm. If the partner you have chosen doesn't satisfy you and that's important to you - then leave. It's like having a broken vibrator and getting pissed and crying rather than just throwing it away and finding a new one. Since he IS an insensitive ass, why is this so hard? He DOES sound like a jerk. He made a total poor move. YES, it's important to have that intimate connection. Since this is something important enough to you to start a fight, it's obviously important to you - kick the trash to the curb. Let him go find somebody that doesn't mind being his cum dumpster without any reciprocation. I do think you over-reacted. I would have mentioned my needs and had I gotten the flip reaction that you got, I would have gone in the other room, very vocally gotten myself off...then I would have either left (if I was at his place) or told him to get the **** out. I guess I was hoping it was a misunderstanding and he wasn't a jerk. I don't know. I just wanted to know he really loved me and wanted to please me....but it is what it is.
kyle1234 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 its funny how only MEN have responded to this thread....i'm not saying men do not know how to give constructive criticism, but they also see things differently than women. im surprised the last comment was from a woman LOL. if some had bothered to read what i wrote, im FULLY aware that i overreacted and could/should have handled the way i acted differently....did anyone even read about how he acted the previous time we had sex? you have to admit that was completely insensitive towards me especially being that i couldn't help i was in discomfort, and i have every right to be upset about that...........the thing is, i have apologized to him for this last time, overreacting and all and im aware it was mostly my fault, and he has yet to say ONE word to me for about 12 days now. its not like it was entirely my fault either. i guess i did scare him off or something, but if i apologized for this, i think after 8 months, i at least deserve a word from him. he needs to realize he is insensitive all the time, and not just in the bed. its interesting, how i was upset with him, but i still was trying to call him and contact him, but he totally ignores me. so you dont think guys can give advice to girls? of course we see things diffrently but thats the beaty of it if we all saw things the same... we be all following each other into a abyss...i know your upset cuz alot of guys are stuff u thier ass...hang in thier hun
JustLooking123 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I doubt this one incident is the entire story. The sex issue is probably just one example of an overall relationship dynamic - dramatics, neediness from her met with insensitivity from him, and a sprinkle of bad attitude. I agree with the others - your orgasm is your responsibility. Sure, he was kind of an ass, but so were you!
kyle1234 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I doubt this one incident is the entire story. The sex issue is probably just one example of an overall relationship dynamic - dramatics, neediness from her met with insensitivity from him, and a sprinkle of bad attitude. I agree with the others - your orgasm is your responsibility. Sure, he was kind of an ass, but so were you! replace ass with a bunny:bunny: name calling doesnt get you anywhere
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 someone please explain why its my responsibility to have an orgasm? and what does this mean? who even says that? lol
JustLooking123 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 replace ass with a bunny:bunny: name calling doesnt get you anywhere I was just using the same terminology as the OP.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 someone please explain why its my responsibility to have an orgasm? and what does this mean? who even says that? lol Uh. That's like asking why it's your responsibility to feel good about life. It's not somebody else's job - it's yours. If that's a part of your life you feel is important to share with your SO, then find a man that agrees with you. I TOTALLY agree that you should have that if you value that. I don't, really. It's odd, I guess. I can take it or leave it with a partner. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm a little harder to get off than most females. I've just come to terms with the fact. Men get disappointed when I don't get off quickly. So I've gotten used to just enjoying orgasms by myself. Guys are pretty selfish - they don't seem to care most of the time. If you want a guy that cares, then go find one. I know they DO exist.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Uh. That's like asking why it's your responsibility to feel good about life. It's not somebody else's job - it's yours. If that's a part of your life you feel is important to share with your SO, then find a man that agrees with you. I TOTALLY agree that you should have that if you value that. I don't, really. It's odd, I guess. I can take it or leave it with a partner. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm a little harder to get off than most females. I've just come to terms with the fact. Men get disappointed when I don't get off quickly. So I've gotten used to just enjoying orgasms by myself. Guys are pretty selfish - they don't seem to care most of the time. If you want a guy that cares, then go find one. I know they DO exist. hmm i dont know..that seems a little odd to me. i think in a loving relationship, a man should really be about pleasing you in bed which includes an orgasm. i shouldn't have to worry about doing it myself all the time. i dont care if i always have one, its just because he acted like he didn't care if i did this time. my bf always seemed to care before, maybe that explains why he is ignoring me now..he doesn't give a ........anymore:lmao:
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 OP, I went back and read your first thread here, which only received one reply. A few questions: 1. How old are you and your BF? Did you know each other prior to dating? 2. Did you discuss your relationship experience with each other during the early part of your dating life? If so, how did that go? 3. How long did you date before becoming sexually intimate? 4. Have you talked with a girlfriend IRL about the issues you've been having with your BF? If yes, what was her response? Thanks!
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 OP, I went back and read your first thread here, which only received one reply. A few questions: 1. How old are you and your BF? Did you know each other prior to dating? 2. Did you discuss your relationship experience with each other during the early part of your dating life? If so, how did that go? 3. How long did you date before becoming sexually intimate? 4. Have you talked with a girlfriend IRL about the issues you've been having with your BF? If yes, what was her response? Thanks! I'm 28 and he's 25..i know possible problem right there haha jk. We did discuss our previous relationships somewhat with each other at first, but come to think of it he only mentioned his last gf briefly, and i don't recall him saying much about her...he never really mentioned others...oh and he didn't even bother to tell me until like after 5 months of knowing him that he was married for 10 months a long time ago...which i don't think is a good sign. he said he was scared i would get upset and not date him...i did tell him i've been hurt before and lied too... i actually i had met him online, so we talked a long time before meeting o the phone that is and online, but i guess sex happened right away when we met. its a little embarrassing, and i don't' feel like telling anyone i personally know about this situation(the sex one that is). as far as him being insensitive, they have told me yeah he does seem inconsiderate about things, and definitely for ignoring me like he has....but also they agree i maybe make too big a deal out of things sometimes.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 i actually i had met him online, so we talked a long time before meeting o the phone that is and online, but i guess sex happened right away when we met. Could you define 'long time'? For example, my wife and I met online (over a decade ago) and talked online for about a month before meeting, due to distance (about 60 miles at that time). I'm trying to get a sense of how the relationship developed. So, you know that he had a prior GF and that he was married for 10 months, so evidently had a LTR with that person as well, prior to being married. What prompted these disclosures? At that time, was he proactive, or reactive (meaning you asked him specific questions)? Do you think you had sex too soon? Why? You didn't mention your relationship history. Evidently, some personal friends/family agree that you 'maybe make too big a deal out of things sometimes'; do you think that this is a pattern for you, or unique to this relationship? What I'm doing here is essentially the same work our psychologist did interviewing us in MC. Building a framework for understanding. It's easy to say he's insensitive and you over-react, but does that really help you? IDK. Apparently, so far, it's unclear. What do you want to happen? Tomorrow?
Recommended Posts