TeacherGuy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hello everyone, thanks for reading my post... She's married, I'm not. I know her for several years from work. There has always been an attraction there, and we have always liked and respected each other greatly. I once told her if she was single I would've asked her out. We have NEVER done anything together beyond work. I always wanted to spend time with her, but never asked out of respect for her being married. I recently ended my employment (nothing bad happened, just changing to something else)and am getting ready to move to another city. We have been in touch online the past months, and this week she asked to meet me for coffee, Friday evening. She was dressed really beautifully, bare legged (she has gorgeous legs) - I never saw her look so good. We had unwavering eye contact the entire time, and talked long into the night. There was also some arm touching, on both our parts. Now, I was ready to chalk it up as just a friendly gesture since I was leaving town. She knows I think she's beautiful, so I thought maybe she dressed up for me just to live up to some of the compliments I've payed her in the past. But then at the end of the night, we hugged and she immediately asked to see me again next week. She even told me where she wanted to go, and I agreed. Honestly, I want to be with her. Not just physically - I have very strong feelings for this woman. There's a side of me that wants to make her mine. I know that's probably crazy. My mind says "don't" but my heart doesn't want to listen, and it usually wins when it comes to matters of love for me. So I'm afraid of what might happen, because I have never cheated in my whole life, and the idea of possibly being involved with someone cheating makes me very uneasy. But I feel such love, such adoration and affection for her. It's so hard to say no. I have never been in a situation like this before, and I'm dizzy from it. I already agreed to seeing her again next week. I don't even know if that's wrong or not in light of her being married, but I can't wait to see her again. Is she just being friendly? Am I just misreading things? Any thoughts and opinions are welcome.
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Do not see her. Don't go against your better judgement - Reread your first paragraph! We have NEVER done anything together beyond work. I always wanted to spend time with her, but never asked out of respect for her being married. She is married and don't forget that! Don't be the OM even if your body parts are telling you otherwise. All you'll be is a side-dish, nothing more, nothing less. She won't leave her husband for you, and you'll end up breaking your heart by allowing yourself to fall for a MW. She is enjoying this as it's feeding her ego. She KNOWS you want her.. Chances are right now she's not thinking of ANYONE but herself which puts her in a stupid and dangerous way of thinking. RUN fast away!
Author TeacherGuy Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 :o:o Oh man, this is hard. I already agreed to see her again, and I want to see her so badly. It makes me so happy just to be around her. Maybe it's not going to lead to anything more? Maybe she is just enjoying my attention and affection for her. Maybe that's all it will be, just enjoy each other's company over a meal one last time before I leave. That wouldn't be so bad would it? Also, is it wrong for me to just have these meetings with her? Maybe I sound stupid but I really feel confused, my head is almost spinning because I have always wanted her attention outside of work and suddenly I have it.
bentnotbroken Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 You already know the answer to all your questions or you wouldn't be here looking for that one green light to tell you to go.
Author TeacherGuy Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 You already know the answer to all your questions or you wouldn't be here looking for that one green light to tell you to go. Yes. I guess you're right. I just don't want to face it. Well, thank you.
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 IF you choose to go ahead and meet her just be prepared for what comes next. I think deep down you KNOW this is totally wrong, you know that it's a big waste of time to chase after a MW that you 'want' yet you don't really want to control yourself. One name - Steve McNair. You have NO idea what her husband is capable of - I mean what if he finds out and goes after you? That is, if you do end up having sex with her, having an affair with her. You cannot be 'friends' with her because it's feeding all sorts of feelings inside of you. SHE is acting totally inappropriately by keeping the door open a crack. Attention is what she wants/likes and if you fall into this, you will be the one who is gonna be hurt and broken hearted.
sensesfail Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I say, go for it, man! You're leaving anyway, and she knows what she is getting into! She is not looking for a relationship with you.
Author TeacherGuy Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 IF you choose to go ahead and meet her just be prepared for what comes next. I think deep down you KNOW this is totally wrong, you know that it's a big waste of time to chase after a MW that you 'want' yet you don't really want to control yourself. One name - Steve McNair. You have NO idea what her husband is capable of - I mean what if he finds out and goes after you? That is, if you do end up having sex with her, having an affair with her. You cannot be 'friends' with her because it's feeding all sorts of feelings inside of you. SHE is acting totally inappropriately by keeping the door open a crack. Attention is what she wants/likes and if you fall into this, you will be the one who is gonna be hurt and broken hearted. I just wrote her a little goodbye email, and explained that it wasn't good for us to see each other again. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. sensesfail, Maybe you're right, but you see - I WOULD want a relationship with her. There are many wonderful single women out there, and I need to remember them.
Trimmer Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I say, go for it, man! You're leaving anyway, and she knows what she is getting into! She is not looking for a relationship with you. You know, I can almost do the "live and let live" thing with your attitude about pursuing married women. I don't agree with it, but just stay away from me and my family - I suppose if it works for you then it doesn't sound like I'm going to change your mind. But here you have someone who clearly is struggling, and anyone with an ounce of understanding or empathy can see that going down this path would lead him eventually into pain because of who he is. He's not you, he doesn't look at married women like you do, he doesn't share your lack of concern, and it would turn out painfully for him. So given that, your advice for him to continue on is like cracking a beer open for an alcoholic, handing a syringe to a junkie or giving someone a push toward a cliff. Jump off yourself if that's your thing, but not everyone shares your view, and with some empathy you would be able to see that, and still understand that your approach is not for everyone. So - and I'm being very careful here to follow LS guidelines and comment on the advice and not the poster - I find your advice to be moronic, and completely inappropriate to this poster's situation. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. If you're in this much turmoil and pain at the thought of stepping back, doesn't that tell you just how far in you were? Think of the respect you have for her and her marriage, and think of the pain and turmoil that would ensue if you did pursue something, or, as so many people innocently claim, if "something just happened..." So many cases of infidelity start out with a lack of honesty with oneself. That's where people get the false insulation to claim that they are "just friends", that it was "only a meal", that "nothing really happened," and then later, once they've passed the point of no return, that "I don't know... something just happened" as if they didn't make those choices all along the way. Be honest with yourself. If marriage means something to you, if you really do have respect for it, don't discard that. Don't fool yourself that the warning signs (e.g. that pain in your stomach) don't really mean anything. Don't ignore reality and then claim that you are just letting things "happen." Make choices, according to who you are, what you believe, and the things you respect - choices that you can stand behind, now and later.
RamChops Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I just wrote her a little goodbye email, and explained that it wasn't good for us to see each other again. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. sensesfail, Maybe you're right, but you see - I WOULD want a relationship with her. There are many wonderful single women out there, and I need to remember them. You did completely the right thing. Provided you can get out of town without her coming back at you, you (among others, including her and her H) have avoided a world of pain and regret. Stay strong; other honest, single women will appreciate a decent man with your morals.
Gamine Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Rather than romanticizing the situation over an intense sexual attraction and infatuation DECIDE (yes, choose) to see things pragmatically. Rather than imagining the intensity and living in that realm imagine the worst possible outcome and make that the reality. Let's see how much of a turn on it would be to have you fall in love and her dump you. Or, perhaps she sees you as a way to have an affair (the quickie version) because you are leaving anyway? Or, imagine it goes on... it becomes a living hell for you, her husband finds out and beats the crap out of you? Steve McNair (football quarterback) was shot dead by his OW when he wouldn't leave his wife and 4 children. Did you know that nearly 75% of the folks in prison for murder are there out of crimes of passion? None of it is a turn on. Bite your lip, punch yourself in the leg, slap yourself in the face, bend your finger backwards. Whatever it takes. Don't go. Take this as a wake up call that maybe you are ready to fall in love and move on. I guarantee that you'll find someone where you're headed. You have a choice not only to love, but to love RIGHT. She's the equivalent of the wallet filled with cash sitting on the sidewalk... oh yeah... there's an ID and all inside of this wallet. Do you hand the wallet over to the police or do you greedily run away with the cash?
Reggie Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I just wrote her a little goodbye email, and explained that it wasn't good for us to see each other again. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. sensesfail, Maybe you're right, but you see - I WOULD want a relationship with her. There are many wonderful single women out there, and I need to remember them. Read some of sensefails posts. He is very wise.
Thaddeus Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 TeacherGuy, just don't. Please. The damage that may ensue just isn't worth it.
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I just wrote her a little goodbye email, and explained that it wasn't good for us to see each other again. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. As much as it hurts you now, it's better this way. Imagine having that affair and having to try to walk away in 6 months or a year from now! It would be much more painful and harder for you then. Right now atleast you have yourself respect and you've spared yourself the rollercoaster ride of being an OW.
Owl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Sending that email was a great first step. But, here's the thing. You're drawn to her, and you know that she's drawn to you. And...you know that it CAN'T BE. My suggestion to you would be to block her email, take steps to make it difficult for her to contact you over the next few weeks. Give her that so that she can renew her focus back onto her marriage, and off of you. Hard? Yes. But it's the right thing to do.
vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I think you should think of it as in the long run for reasons that: 1. You will save yourself from a messy situation and don't have to deal with no drama. 2. You won't be labelled as the OM & that's something that a lot of ppl are not proud of. 3. You owe yourself to be in a better relationship when you know that you're the only one in that woman's life. I agree that the e-mail is a great step to letting her go... it's going to be hard after that bc who knows if she tries to tempt you to see her still. Stick to your decision and don't go back. Good luck.
4everloveu Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Nothing is good being OM. I knew a guy being OM for many years. Until now he still waiting for her to get a divorce. Please save yourself a headache and heartache. I have told him many times to leave cuz she isn't going to leave her H.
Teslacoil Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I just wrote her a little goodbye email, and explained that it wasn't good for us to see each other again. I'm in tremendous pain over this. I know sending that email is the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned and others. I pray to God that I have the emotional strength to send it to her. This hurts so much. You're not out of the woods until you actually SEND that email and follow through by not seeing her. You just need to get over her, and do it now. It's easier to get out of the pool when you're only ankle deep. Don't make a mistake and go in up to your knees or worse.
Author TeacherGuy Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks everyone for your input... Just so you know, I did the right thing. There won't be a second meeting. I may be a lonely man, but I'm a man who can look himself in the mirror. Good night and best wishes to all of you.
carhill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Check back with her in 15 or 20 years. You never know .... I did what you did (good on ya for that) many years ago. If the connection is really there, it will always be there (and has been for us), even when you're old and flabby and gray. The key is in how you handle and direct that energy. Take it and focus it on the single women you meet and I think you'll be surprised. Good luck!
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Just so you know, I did the right thing. There won't be a second meeting. I may be a lonely man, but I'm a man who can look himself in the mirror. Maybe you did the right thing. But maybe you missed the greatest chance in your life. You'll never know, because you were too scared or emotionally/morally repressed to find out.
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Maybe you did the right thing. But maybe you missed the greatest chance in your life. You'll never know, because you were too scared or emotionally/morally repressed to find out. Integrity = "emotionally/morally repressed"? That's an interesting take.
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Integrity = "emotionally/morally repressed"? That's an interesting take. Glad you like it. But seriously: If she is ready to forget her vows of marriage, the marriage is ****ed, no matter what he does. This 'taking responsibility for other people's decisions'-thing...it seems to be quite popular here, but I never really understood it. She's old enough to make her own decisions, to follow her own set of priorities.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Utterer, what other name do you post under here on LS? You use the acronyms, and talk a lot about how people post here on LS...so you've been here a while. Why the 'new' name?
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Utterer, what other name do you post under here on LS? You use the acronyms, and talk a lot about how people post here on LS...so you've been here a while. Why the 'new' name? I stopped posting here more than year ago, but i forgot my login details and I don't have the email account anymore I registered with. Also, I registered the original account because of a situation I had problems dealing with, but I'm over that for quite some time now...
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