LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm not sure what I am asking for but I decided to snoop on my ex (it was my birthday and I kind of wanted to prove to myself that he had forgotten me and I need a kick up the arse) and looked up his old username online. It was all so predictable-still with his new girlfriend , happier since dumping me and all the other tripe I had predicted back in January. I don't know if I want to date anyone as I have a lot of negative things going on in my life right now , and although I miss the closeness of a partner , I don't have a strong desire to meet someone new as my life is complicated. Am I right though? I guess my question is -can a person leave it too long before dating after a hard break-up? I have problems which mean my life is quite isolated but I don't want to end up sitting here with memories for the next decade plus and making excuses. How can you move on if you never date?
Road To Joy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 How can you move on if you never date? If you find the answer to this, post. I'm still very young, younger than most people here on the coping section. So, I know me saying I'll never date again probably sounds naive. But honestly, I can't picture myself trusting anybody else with myself the way I trusted her. She was my first everything, and I sheltered in her in many ways. I have a low self-esteem, and am shy. I used to think a lot my relationship with her was a miracle. I feel as if I don't even know how to date since she's pretty much the only one I ever did.
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 If you find the answer to this, post. I'm still very young, younger than most people here on the coping section. So, I know me saying I'll never date again probably sounds naive. But honestly, I can't picture myself trusting anybody else with myself the way I trusted her. She was my first everything, and I sheltered in her in many ways. I have a low self-esteem, and am shy. I used to think a lot my relationship with her was a miracle. I feel as if I don't even know how to date since she's pretty much the only one I ever did. I'm probably older than you but understand your feelings as I looked on my relationship as nothing short of a miracle. Dating again is the only option if you are like me , I know that I am capable of never dating again and living off memories but I don't want to. He will always be in my heart even though part of me thinks it's stupid as he left me alone and friendless. I'm not the trusting type to be honest but i'm open enough to accept love again as my ex is happy so why shouldn't I be one day?
kizik Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hi, I'm the broken record of this site. This is what I always say, because I have found it to be true from personal experience. Two points: 1. First, we all know it's dangerous to date too soon after a painful breakup. Dangerous for ourselves and our recovery, which requires grief, introspection, reflection and education. But also dangerous for other people. We endanger them by subjecting them to our broken hearts before they are mended. We endanger them by bringing baggage from our past relationships into our new ones. Dating when you're not ready is like a virus. Here's what I mean: my ex and I got together less than a couple months after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend. How did I not see that this was unhealthy for the both of us? Looking back, I think I was blinded by my desire for some relief from my loneliness. This person offered me attention. Support. Sex. Companionship. Laughter. But later, she would offer me condescension, ridicule, anger, spite and disrespect. A classic malignant narcissist, she had attached herself to me when her Narcissistic Supply Source ended with the old boyfriend. Now she was getting tired of my supply, and there was more to be had elsewhere. OK. Sorry about that tangent. The point is that she brought the virus from her old R into her new one with me. She could have broken the cycle, had she taken the necessary time to reflect on her poor behavior in her R with Matt. This is why dating too soon is a virus that infects everyone involved. 2. "How can you move on if you never date?" For me, the answer is in following my obsessions. Passions, projects, obsessions, these are all the same thing. You know what I'm talking about. For some, it's baseball. Football. Yoga. Rock climbing. And so forth. For me, it was playing music in the aftermath of my breakup. Recording music. Writing. Generally being creative. When you create, you make something that is a) therapeutic, and b) eternal. The songs I recorded last summer and the album I made, much of which was inspired by the breakup with the virus-girl, will ostensibly "live forever". Drugs, sex, drinking, fighting, abuse... all these things may feel good, but they only last a few minutes or hours. Creativity saved my life, and it had nothing to do with dating. And what do you know, just when I am so busy with projects I could care less about dating, girls start coming out of the woodwork. The best of luck to you.
Road To Joy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm probably older than you but understand your feelings as I looked on my relationship as nothing short of a miracle. Dating again is the only option if you are like me , I know that I am capable of never dating again and living off memories but I don't want to. He will always be in my heart even though part of me thinks it's stupid as he left me alone and friendless. I'm not the trusting type to be honest but i'm open enough to accept love again as my ex is happy so why shouldn't I be one day? Why do you think you'll never date again?
Road To Joy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Hi, I'm the broken record of this site. This is what I always say, because I have found it to be true from personal experience. Two points: 1. First, we all know it's dangerous to date too soon after a painful breakup. Dangerous for ourselves and our recovery, which requires grief, introspection, reflection and education. But also dangerous for other people. We endanger them by subjecting them to our broken hearts before they are mended. We endanger them by bringing baggage from our past relationships into our new ones. Dating when you're not ready is like a virus. Here's what I mean: my ex and I got together less than a couple months after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend. How did I not see that this was unhealthy for the both of us? Looking back, I think I was blinded by my desire for some relief from my loneliness. This person offered me attention. Support. Sex. Companionship. Laughter. But later, she would offer me condescension, ridicule, anger, spite and disrespect. A classic malignant narcissist, she had attached herself to me when her Narcissistic Supply Source ended with the old boyfriend. Now she was getting tired of my supply, and there was more to be had elsewhere. OK. Sorry about that tangent. The point is that she brought the virus from her old R into her new one with me. She could have broken the cycle, had she taken the necessary time to reflect on her poor behavior in her R with Matt. This is why dating too soon is a virus that infects everyone involved. 2. "How can you move on if you never date?" For me, the answer is in following my obsessions. Passions, projects, obsessions, these are all the same thing. You know what I'm talking about. For some, it's baseball. Football. Yoga. Rock climbing. And so forth. For me, it was playing music in the aftermath of my breakup. Recording music. Writing. Generally being creative. When you create, you make something that is a) therapeutic, and b) eternal. The songs I recorded last summer and the album I made, much of which was inspired by the breakup with the virus-girl, will ostensibly "live forever". Drugs, sex, drinking, fighting, abuse... all these things may feel good, but they only last a few minutes or hours. Creativity saved my life, and it had nothing to do with dating. And what do you know, just when I am so busy with projects I could care less about dating, girls start coming out of the woodwork. The best of luck to you. You mention your passion for music a lot in your posts. When are you going to share it with us?!
kizik Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I don't mention it to brag, it's an example really of how I recovered. This link may get taken down by the LS mods, but it's to my tunes: www.myspace.com/joshnielsen
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 For me, the answer is in following my obsessions. Passions, projects, obsessions, these are all the same thing. You know what I'm talking about. For some, it's baseball. Football. Yoga. Rock climbing. And so forth. For me, it was playing music in the aftermath of my breakup. Recording music. Writing. Generally being creative. When you create, you make something that is a) therapeutic, and b) eternal. The songs I recorded last summer and the album I made, much of which was inspired by the breakup with the virus-girl, will ostensibly "live forever". Drugs, sex, drinking, fighting, abuse... all these things may feel good, but they only last a few minutes or hours. Music has saved me this year to be honest (i'm a music nut) but as I am already the obsessive type and not the average person I knew I was in for a rocky time ahead. I have even written poetry! It just seems unfair that memories still upset me and I have had awful news every month this year , yet he has been in a relationship since we broke up and is happier than ever. Maybe my problem isn't him but with the whole concept of life and why we are here . I don't know but feeling sad after 8 months apart is a position I thought I would be in. Why do you think you'll never date again? I lead a complicated , isolated life and it led to him leaving. It's strange because someone I talk to online wants to meet me but i've never done anything like that before and it's made me think about what happens next.
kizik Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I think you just have to remember that while society tells us that being coupled up is all the rage, it's often the single people who lead more expansive, free lives. Romance'll come again, you just gotta chill and learn to love yourself, yo.
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I think you just have to remember that while society tells us that being coupled up is all the rage, it's often the single people who lead more expansive, free lives. Romance'll come again, you just gotta chill and learn to love yourself, yo. I'm not the conforming type which has led me to the mess I am in now! Nothing wrong with being single if that is what you want/need , problems arise when you are too scared to move on and indecisive about what route to take. If only someone would invent a pill that erased memories.
kizik Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If only someone would invent a pill that erased memories. Or a procedure, conducted by Lacuna Industries that wiped out the memories of Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in their efforts to forget each other, in a wonderful film called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wait...
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Or a procedure, conducted by Lacuna Industries that wiped out the memories of Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet in their efforts to forget each other, in a wonderful film called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Wait... Why would I care about actors? They always seem to move on so quick , guess i'm too old fashioned and should start being like everyone alse and flit from new love to love:(
kizik Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Listen, you HAVE to see that film, it is the best depiction of a breakup ever.
Road To Joy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 LL - I see where you're coming from. I ask myself questions about life and why we're here as well, and it doesn't do me any good. Sometimes I wonder to what extent all this is due to the breakup and what is my own personal mental issues. Depression and anxiety runs in my family, however my depression and anxiety kicked in while I was with my ex (and when the problems with her started). So I don't know if the problem is the loss or me. kizik - I never thought of it as you bragging but you've brought it up and I was curious. I'm sure at least a couple of the songs were about her. Doesn't it upset you to sing them over and over again? Since it reminds you of her and all.
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Listen, you HAVE to see that film, it is the best depiction of a breakup ever. No! It's not ,I prefer sci-fi or world cinema to be honest but this is off topic. My original topis was pants anyway:(
Road To Joy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I agree with kizik about that movie. Though, I think it's alright, not great. Mostly because it's one of my ex's favorite movies. When will I be able to enjoy these things without her coming to mind? Ugh
Author LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 LL - I see where you're coming from. I ask myself questions about life and why we're here as well, and it doesn't do me any good. Sometimes I wonder to what extent all this is due to the breakup and what is my own personal mental issues. Depression and anxiety runs in my family, however my depression and anxiety kicked in while I was with my ex (and when the problems with her started). So I don't know if the problem is the loss or me. My depression , anxiety etc were present before I dated my ex so i've never been the happy clappy type. More moody and silly. I don't know the meaning of life so I am trying to forget it and live in the present , not easy though.
NopeNah Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My depression , anxiety etc were present before I dated my ex so i've never been the happy clappy type. More moody and silly. I don't know the meaning of life so I am trying to forget it and live in the present , not easy though. Then "fix" yourself first and do what makes you happy. If thats dating/relationship stuff, great! If it's work/advancment in whatever field you're in, great! Do what makes you happy!.. Hell if it's sitting alone(nothing wrong with this) for the rest of your life thinking about someone who left you 60 years ago...tear it up! Do what ever makes you happy! Weather it's in the moment, for the future, whatever makes YOU happy is what you need to focus on.
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