NOTSURE7 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Notsure7 confirms this kind of mentality...men will do anything to have whatever they want, and for a while, this guy evidently wanted both. It's selfish and mean to everyone involved. this man had his cake and was eating it too, he was easily able to profess his love to both his w and the ow,believe me i live it.i think right now his focus is on his W but thats only because she is mad and pressuring him and he knows he must do this to keep the peace and get back to the calm waters we men really love.so yes he will do or say anything right now to get everything back to normal and when that happens is when she needs to start worrying again.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My point is simply that he knew that both his wife and apparently this OW felt "love" for him, and he abused it to the W's detriment, and by his own admission, also to the OW by supposedly "lying" about his affection for her to get in her pants. It's oppurtunistic. I don't disagree that it was opportunistic. But as far as the MW is concerned, she is not a victim of anything...whether aeh's husband is opportunistic or not. If she was single and didn't know he was married, then I'd agree. but the very fact that she is married disqualifies her for victim status. Notsure7 confirms this kind of mentality...men will do anything to have whatever they want notsure7 doesn't speak for all of us men. and for a while, this guy evidently wanted both. It's selfish and mean to everyone involved. not to the MW....its tough sh#t if she might have thought it was mean to her.......tell that to her husband
silktricks Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My point is simply that he knew that both his wife and apparently this OW felt "love" for him, and he abused it to the W's detriment, and by his own admission, also to the OW by supposedly "lying" about his affection for her to get in her pants. It's oppurtunistic. hmmmm and the OW? The married woman? maybe she lied about her affection to get into his pants.... Please understand that SHE IS NOT A VICTIM! She is a co-conspirator. She was married. She knew he was married. Notsure7 confirms this kind of mentality...men will do anything to have whatever they want, and for a while, this guy evidently wanted both. It's selfish and mean to everyone involved. Sheesshhhh --- and women don't? The man is not the only person who was being selfish and mean - so was the OW.
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Neither affair partner is a victim here. Each of them manipulated one another to get what they wanted. Being selfish isn't gender specific. MM and MW each played eachother in some sense, said things in the heat of the moment, maybe it was even meant too, but once each at home with their spouses, like most cheaters, the tune changes. Again, the MW and MM are BOTH responsible for this mess equally.
Author aeh Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Yes, they're both to blame. Notsure, the way I found out was a text that came in that was very incriminating. I wasn't looking for it whatsoever, just happened to pick up his phone to make a call since it was there. Out of curiosity, I am wondering what behavior, etc posters here think would deem a spouse as sincerely remorseful and wanting to end the affair and rekindle things. Just curious.... Yeah, the OW was totally out of bounds, as was my H. But again, I hold no grudge against her because she is not the one who I had the committment with.
Athena Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 aeh- you should read my posts to get a good perspective of what your husband is really like, one quick question, do you have kids? and how long was the A? so i will write to try and help you a bit here,i am a mm with 3 kids and a loving wife, i had an A with a married woman with 3 kids of her own, i too am not considered a player,i too am the loving husband who my wifes friends say you have the perfect husband, i too am a great dad and loving supporting husband, i too am the last person you would expect to ever be having an A but i too am a cheater.i carry on the perfect fassad but in reality i am not all of these things because i am giving myself to someone else.the only difference is my W dosent have any idea. secondly, your H told her he loved her, that raises a red flag for me, i dont beleive he just did that for the sex, i too told my ow i loved her and guess what i beleived that, i had an emotional connection to her as most men do, if it was just about sex he could have gone and paid for it or had a 1 night stand somewhere, this sounds deeper to me having experinced this all first hand, my opinion is that this wasnt just about sex and if that emotional connection is there as i beleive it is, be real careful when the dust settles that he is not right back there, what she offers is very powerful and addicting to him. Now, i am glad that he is telling you everything you want to hear and trying to make amends but thats what we do,we will tell anyone anything they want to hear, actions in this case will speak louder than words, dont be fooled by a cell phone bill that shows no calls or by the fact he is willing to let you talk to her, this can all be easily worked out and he can have alternate emails,cell phones etc, remember he was able to pull this off without a trace for a long time so he is very very capable. i have seen and done it all, as i said i havent had to face the music and i assume if i did i would probably be doing and saying all of the same exact things your H is saying, i am not saying to not give him the chance just please be careful and keep those eyes and ears open always. Notsure, I am intrigued -- why are you on these boards if you have gotten away with infidelity scott-free? I sure don't know of ANY WH that would Willingly have to face the possible messy outcome... what makes you look on these boards, and read about the pain and the crap that comes with the territory of affairs? Are you trying to give it up? You trying to make yourself gain the confidence to face your W and tell her?
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Out of curiosity, I am wondering what behavior, etc posters here think would deem a spouse as sincerely remorseful and wanting to end the affair and rekindle things. Just curious.... From my experience as an OW, I can tell you what behaviors mean nothing in terms of real remorse, maybe that will helpful to you to watch out for. My xMM used to say to his BW that he was so sorry for hurting her (and I believe he was, but accoring to him, he never said he was regretful of the affair itself). He'd cry and sound very sincere I'm sure. He'd often swear up and down that we were not in contact anymore and our contact never lost a beat. He just stopped using his cellphone. I got him a phone on my account, so that's what he'd use to contact me. BW found the "secret" phone at one point and threw it out, but he just replaced it within a day. He also got more careful about deleting caller ID at the house and would call me from work a lot. Something else he got into doing....when she'd ask him if he was in contact with me, he wouldn't deny, but wouldn't answer. He'd change the subject or make her feel guilty for asking. (Later, he used this same trip on me). He even went to marriage counseling, but even his BW said it didn't appear that he was willing to do the real work - he was just going to save face with the family, so that it would look like he worked on things. Obviously, since he was still in contact with me and swearing that he was leaving his W, he wasn't really working on the marriage with any degree of integrity (not that he was working too hard on getting out of it either!).
Author aeh Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Interesting, Mistyk. I'll definitely be going forward with eyes wide open. My H has expressed complete regret about it (don't they all? or most anyway?) and that to think of her makes him sick because of the pain it has caused myself and in return, him. He definitely is worried that I might do something to even the score bc there have been other interested men and I flat out told him that that doesn't sound too bad right now!! I have told him I know he could be talking to her on his work phone. He is meeting me every day for lunch (that was when the majority of it took place) or coming home for lunch and is home right after work and leaves for work as late as possible. He has taken off 4 days of work in the last two weeks to stay home with me. He is calling a MC today. I have been cordial and sometimes even waaaay more than cordial (you know how the roller coaster goes) but also quite indifferent. There are other options out there for me, if I want them, but I am going to take two to three months before making any hasty decisions. Anything is a possibility. He tells me that if I leave him, he still wouldn't be with her and he is reading one of those books I mentioned, Not Just Friends and said that the workplace scenarios described are so on target for how it evolved and that he won't let himself get in any situation which "opens a window". We'll see....
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I hope he's sincere aeh. For all I know my xMM may have said he was sick at the thought of me too when he was trying to calm things down, but I will never know. He trickled info to the BW as well, and after about 6 months from d-day, he told her he was in love with me. I think he was hoping she's kick him out with that knowledge, but she did not, of course. (In some ways he was trying to force her to make the decision to split ways because he was too much of a coward to do it himself). In the end, he didn't tell her that much pertaining to his involvement with me, which I have mixed feelings about. Sometimes I think she deserved to know just what kind of creep she's still fighting for (I say that because even though I 've left him, he is still "moved out"). Other times I figure it would only hurt her to know the details. (Things like: that for their anniversary last year MM took his W to the beach for the weekend, but he also took me. I stayed a few miles away in another hotel with a friend and we met up a few times. Same thing when we both took our family vacations last year - we went to the same place the same week and met up. D-day was right after that vacation, incidentally, because she saw me and recognized me from the neighborhood. A little too coincidental.) His reading the books is a good thing, but not a guarantee. My xMM read those books too to soothe his W (or, at least, that's the spin he put on it for me), but he was still seeing me without any disruption of course. He even watched "Fireproof" - the Kirk Cameron movie about saving marriages on the brink of divorce. If you have any doubts and the resources to do so, consider putting a GPS unit on his car when things calm down a bit and he's no longer coming home for lunch all the time. Or, if you have at&t for cell service, there is a GPS locating feature designed for parents to be able to find their kids (see if they are where they are supposed to be). It might be worth the peace of mind after the dust settles, because some MM take advantage of the complacency that comes after the dust settles from d-day. Had my xMM's BW done this, she could have saved herself a year of back and forth - believing his lies that he was not in contact with me only to find some small evidence that he was and then he'd swear again and she'd forgive him again, etc. She'd have been able to see that he had a consistent pattern of lying and that it wasn't just the email and phone contact that she found out about. Believe it or not, part of why i cut it off with him is because he treated her so badly - just left me feeling yucky about the whole thing, and the obvious uneasy feelings of how he'd treat me in the future.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Notsure, I am intrigued -- why are you on these boards if you have gotten away with infidelity scott-free? I sure don't know of ANY WH that would Willingly have to face the possible messy outcome... what makes you look on these boards, and read about the pain and the crap that comes with the territory of affairs? Are you trying to give it up? You trying to make yourself gain the confidence to face your W and tell her? athena-i started reading these boards because in all honesty it shocked me how many people are in these situations.i also cannot beleive how many are so similiar to me and my situation, i read the boards to gain perspective on myself and to see what others in similar yet somewhat different scenarios have to say and what they have done and what the outcomes were.if you read my posts you can better understand me. I think in a way i am trying to help people ,yes i need alot of help myself but i feel like it might be comforting for someone trying to understand there WH to gain persepctive from someone who is honest about who and what they are and do and i have gone through and continue to go through many of the experiences that people are witing about .i guess in a strange way it helps me feel like i am helping someone if i cant help myself.sort of like bank robber telling the bank his secrets, but i only answer boards that pertain to the exact situations and i only do it to try and help. please read my posts especially the one called all in my head trying to get it out and you will better see what i am all about, but yes i am currently trying to either give it up or face my w.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Interesting, Mistyk. I'll definitely be going forward with eyes wide open. My H has expressed complete regret about it (don't they all? or most anyway?) and that to think of her makes him sick because of the pain it has caused myself and in return, him. He definitely is worried that I might do something to even the score bc there have been other interested men and I flat out told him that that doesn't sound too bad right now!! I have told him I know he could be talking to her on his work phone. He is meeting me every day for lunch (that was when the majority of it took place) or coming home for lunch and is home right after work and leaves for work as late as possible. He has taken off 4 days of work in the last two weeks to stay home with me. He is calling a MC today. I have been cordial and sometimes even waaaay more than cordial (you know how the roller coaster goes) but also quite indifferent. There are other options out there for me, if I want them, but I am going to take two to three months before making any hasty decisions. Anything is a possibility. He tells me that if I leave him, he still wouldn't be with her and he is reading one of those books I mentioned, Not Just Friends and said that the workplace scenarios described are so on target for how it evolved and that he won't let himself get in any situation which "opens a window". We'll see.... NJF is a great starter book. I bought it myself and read it 6 months before I confessed. But get other sources too, the book falls on the side of very optimistic outcomes. As Reggie pointed out, there are a lot of sources out there to feed your optimism and take your cash. Another great book is Emily Brown, Infidelity and their Treatments. Written by a therapist for therapists but still a easy read and the number of success are about about 30% less for fulfulling marriage (staying married is not the goal but a fulfilling marriage is) after infidelity. And AEH, this is your life, 38 and attractive?, you got more options now for yourself and starting over and your H needs to know this. If you let him off easy, HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN. I've seen it play out over and over this way on these infidelity boards. Your H is saying the right things but watch him, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years out. You'll know better if he's sincere. I'm going to tell you story I read about on the "other board" and some here may be able to relate to this. A man carried on a 30 year affair, left his wife in his early 60s when the last went to college. He chose in his mind to do what's best for himself and his kids. He took the best years of his wife's life and she's still angry about it. Do you blame her? How much more difficult for a woman to start over in her early 60s. She probably thought she was going to retire with him. To me that is narcissism at a total extreme. He played GOD with her life IMO. Good luck with your recovery.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Yes, they're both to blame. Notsure, the way I found out was a text that came in that was very incriminating. I wasn't looking for it whatsoever, just happened to pick up his phone to make a call since it was there. Out of curiosity, I am wondering what behavior, etc posters here think would deem a spouse as sincerely remorseful and wanting to end the affair and rekindle things. Just curious.... Yeah, the OW was totally out of bounds, as was my H. But again, I hold no grudge against her because she is not the one who I had the committment with. yes alot seem to get caught by text message. like i have said i never got caught so its hard for me to say what would deem a H sincerely remorseful but in thinking about it ,its really a hard situation, your H does sound like he is saying and doing all the right things but being a WH i know full well that its easy to say things,i live a complete lie and i am not bragging because beleive me i am not proud but i do it very well,but i live in personal hell so what the point really, anyway my point is that your H is doing this all now because its fresh and new and yes he has realized he did something wrong but you have to ask yourself, , if he didnt get caught by you, would it have ever stopped?, i can tell you i doubt it.maybe it would have with this ow but there would be another, so i find it quite curious that all of the sudden this ow disguts him etc etc. but i guess you have to give him the chance if you both want it and see where it goes, just never let your guard down.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 NJF is a great starter book. I bought it myself and read it 6 months before I confessed. But get other sources too, the book falls on the side of very optimistic outcomes. As Reggie pointed out, there are a lot of sources out there to feed your optimism and take your cash. Another great book is Emily Brown, Infidelity and their Treatments. Written by a therapist for therapists but still a easy read and the number of success are about about 30% less for fulfulling marriage (staying married is not the goal but a fulfilling marriage is) after infidelity. And AEH, this is your life, 38 and attractive?, you got more options now for yourself and starting over and your H needs to know this. If you let him off easy, HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN. I've seen it play out over and over this way on these infidelity boards. Your H is saying the right things but watch him, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years out. You'll know better if he's sincere. I'm going to tell you story I read about on the "other board" and some here may be able to relate to this. A man carried on a 30 year affair, left his wife in his early 60s when the last went to college. He chose in his mind to do what's best for himself and his kids. He took the best years of his wife's life and she's still angry about it. Do you blame her? How much more difficult for a woman to start over in her early 60s. She probably thought she was going to retire with him. To me that is narcissism at a total extreme. He played GOD with her life IMO. Good luck with your recovery. if you dont mind me asking, what made you confess and did you have kids? i agree with all of the things ofg says,you really wont know if he will do it again and how he really feels till down the line. after i had my first EA and it was over i took some time off and eventhough my W had no idea i tried hard to stay out of trouble but low and behold i found myself in a full blown A and the only thing i gained was i became smarter and better at it and i took even more risks,my point again dont trust that if he did it once and is sorry that it cant happen again. thats a shame that the man waited until he was 60, thats the exact dilemma i am going through now, but again goes to my point aeh if you didnt catch him would he really have ever stopped.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks Dexter for sticking up for me. Yes, they are both to blame. My WS and the MW. He is researching MC's for us to go to. I told him I am too angry right now to think about working on the "trust enhancing exercises" with him (after the further revelations about the hotel and going to her house--did I mention that--he had at first denied it, just as he did the hotel....after much pressing that came out, too) I did read Glass's book, Not Just Friends as well as After the Affair. I thought they hit a lot of things dead on. Boy, it evolves from minute to minute. It's very normal for you to be utterly pissed at the OW but as I've read Dex's other responses on the board don't put more on her than H. And certainly don't act on your feelings toward her. If she's out of the picture, keep her out. And IMO, I think WH's sometimes feed into this BW v. OW dynamic to take the heat off the them.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 this is not about the ow,this is about the H, my ow actually tells me i should work on my marriage and we try to help eachother but at the end of the day your H and only your H makes his choices. i cant imagine books or movies will change anyone.maybe help or give confidence but i cant imagine real change. yes it will make you feel good to blame the ow and if you choose the route of telling her H that might give you a sense of power but at the end of the day she did not make your H have the A with her, he knew full well what he was doing, he can blame everything and anything he wants but when a man has an A and makes the decision to cheat and then also lies and covers up his trail, he knows what he is doing. aeh- you are better suited on keeping an eye on your H and as long as your H forgets about the ow, then you should too.
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Aeh - It's the sorting out of whether he's truly sorry AND making the neccessary changes, or just sorry he got caught. NS7, I read a portion of your other thread, and in many ways you sound a lot like my xMM. He was paralyzed by indecision. Hopefully you will trust my words where he would not - whatever pain you feel right now in living a lie will only get worse and there is only one way to get relief: make a decision and stick with it. My xMM did nothing til he was forced and then did it halfway to try to keep us both and now he's alone. These situations are so volitile - they CANNOT continue. You'll hurt yourself and everyone around you if you try to make it continue (status quo), and I can guarantee the pain of that will be much worse than any temporary pain you experience when you act on your decision without waffling. And lastly, if you choose to leave your M, do it b/c it's not working, not for the OW. She may not leave her M, but that's irrevelvent if you have the right reasons for leaving your M in the 1st place. You will finally live an hoest life. Sorry for the TJ.
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 And IMO, I think WH's sometimes feed into this BW v. OW dynamic to take the heat off the them. YES YES. Totally agreed. Also may be that they get off on the idea of 2 women fighting over them.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Aeh - It's the sorting out of whether he's truly sorry AND making the neccessary changes, or just sorry he got caught. NS7, I read a portion of your other thread, and in many ways you sound a lot like my xMM. He was paralyzed by indecision. Hopefully you will trust my words where he would not - whatever pain you feel right now in living a lie will only get worse and there is only one way to get relief: make a decision and stick with it. My xMM did nothing til he was forced and then did it halfway to try to keep us both and now he's alone. These situations are so volitile - they CANNOT continue. You'll hurt yourself and everyone around you if you try to make it continue (status quo), and I can guarantee the pain of that will be much worse than any temporary pain you experience when you act on your decision without waffling. And lastly, if you choose to leave your M, do it b/c it's not working, not for the OW. She may not leave her M, but that's irrevelvent if you have the right reasons for leaving your M in the 1st place. You will finally live an hoest life. Sorry for the TJ. i agree you have to make sure he is not just sorry because he got caught. misty- i appreciate the words of advice, i am so caught up in this right now and i know something has to change.i know i can never leave for the ow yet i would probably use her as the reason.somedays i almost wish i would get caught just to have to face the music,because i really beleive that if confronted i would tell the whole story like i did in my post.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 if you dont mind me asking, what made you confess and did you have kids? Yes I have school age children. I confessed because from the moment the A started there was always deep internal conflict about what I was doing. I tried to get out of the A many times and without confessing, xMM would call, email, show up at my kids school and I'd fall right back in. And I had no one to go to about my problem. Me and xMM had a "secret bond" and I was going to break it. So I confessed to stay out of the affair, to let my H know what happened so he could decide if he wanted to stay married to me after what I did, and to reopen the abilty to have closeness and intimacy with my H. H knew this and it moved him (he looked at me with tears and said, "you have everything to lose by telling me" and I'm certainly no hero for doing so) and has helped rebuild trust tremendously and at a faster pace than those who were caught becuause you never know if they would have come clean on their own. For me, the last was impossible w/o H knowing the full truth. I had a lot to lose, I haven't worked for a decade, I don't come from a family that could help me, I live in an affluent area. But I wanted my integrity back too, and I rather live in studio as an honest person than a liar in comfort. The meaning of love can be so confusing when you're in an affair, IMO. Even though being in an affair was a very unloving thing to do to my H, at the core I love him and had NO option but to confess. And at the core, I can tell by some posters, they do not love their spouses. So I post here, to learn, to help and to heal. For all you cheaters/former cheaters, there is something deep within that needs healing and that's why when the going got tough you chose this path. BS need to take note too that they're married to a wounded soul that more than likely goes further back than your marriage. Sweep the A under the rug and you set yourself up for this to happen again. JMHO. NotSure7 keep posting, it's great to have your perspective. BWs can possibly learn about the inner workings of their WHs, men they may have never known and the information is important in making decisions that will be in everyone's best interests.
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 misty- i appreciate the words of advice, i am so caught up in this right now and i know something has to change.i know i can never leave for the ow yet i would probably use her as the reason.somedays i almost wish i would get caught just to have to face the music,because i really beleive that if confronted i would tell the whole story like i did in my post. NS7 - A recipe for disaster. My xMM felt relief when he got caught (he did something he knew might get him caught, indirectly). But he also expected (but definitely didn't hope) his W to make good on her promise to kick him out if she ever caught him cheating. Of course, that didn't happen. He told her that he was in love with me and that although he loved her, he was not in love with her. He said their marriage was broken from the beginning, (started as a rebound for both and problems were immediate after marriage) and that they were just not compatible. He said he found that I was much more compatible with him, not "better", just more compatible with him specifically. Once our A was revealed, anything valueable he had to say about the problems in their marriage that preceded the A went on deaf ears. The BW has disrupted his professional life and dragged their 2 kids into the emotional fray. I left my M when the EA started with xMM. I did not get busted until after my M was over. I KNEW I was not leaving for him and as painful as it is that things didn't work out with MM in the end, I am at greater peace for it. People come into our lives for a reason, but it isn't always the reason we want it to be. If you think you may want to leave the M because of the M itself, do it before you get caught. It will save EVERYONE, especially your kids, a tremendous amount of pain. If you want to stay in the M, make sure you do it for the right reasons. No woman wants a man to stay with her out of guilt, a sense of duty/obligation, or the classic "the kids". If you can't love her the way she deserves and could be loved by someone else, you owe it to her to let her go.
MistyK Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 So I post here, to learn, to help and to heal. For all you cheaters/former cheaters, there is something deep within that needs healing and that's why when the going got tough you chose this path. BS need to take note too that they're married to a wounded soul that more than likely goes further back than your marriage. Sweep the A under the rug and you set yourself up for this to happen again. JMHO. I agree. Aeh, Is you H going for individual counseling as well? That'd be a real good sign that he's interested in really changing his ways to prevent this from happening again.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Yes I have school age children. I confessed because from the moment the A started there was always deep internal conflict about what I was doing. I tried to get out of the A many times and without confessing, xMM would call, email, show up at my kids school and I'd fall right back in. And I had no one to go to about my problem. Me and xMM had a "secret bond" and I was going to break it. So I confessed to stay out of the affair, to let my H know what happened so he could decide if he wanted to stay married to me after what I did, and to reopen the abilty to have closeness and intimacy with my H. H knew this and it moved him (he looked at me with tears and said, "you have everything to lose by telling me" and I'm certainly no hero for doing so) and has helped rebuild trust tremendously and at a faster pace than those who were caught becuause you never know if they would have come clean on their own. For me, the last was impossible w/o H knowing the full truth. I had a lot to lose, I haven't worked for a decade, I don't come from a family that could help me, I live in an affluent area. But I wanted my integrity back too, and I rather live in studio as an honest person than a liar in comfort. The meaning of love can be so confusing when you're in an affair, IMO. Even though being in an affair was a very unloving thing to do to my H, at the core I love him and had NO option but to confess. And at the core, I can tell by some posters, they do not love their spouses. So I post here, to learn, to help and to heal. For all you cheaters/former cheaters, there is something deep within that needs healing and that's why when the going got tough you chose this path. BS need to take note too that they're married to a wounded soul that more than likely goes further back than your marriage. Sweep the A under the rug and you set yourself up for this to happen again. JMHO. NotSure7 keep posting, it's great to have your perspective. BWs can possibly learn about the inner workings of their WHs, men they may have never known and the information is important in making decisions that will be in everyone's best interests. thanks for that, i wish you the best of luck, yes i will continue to post because i am the epitome of the Wh, if you ever looked at my life you would never beleive i do what i do and yes i agree my soul was wounded long before marriage.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 NS7 - A recipe for disaster. My xMM felt relief when he got caught (he did something he knew might get him caught, indirectly). But he also expected (but definitely didn't hope) his W to make good on her promise to kick him out if she ever caught him cheating. Of course, that didn't happen. He told her that he was in love with me and that although he loved her, he was not in love with her. He said their marriage was broken from the beginning, (started as a rebound for both and problems were immediate after marriage) and that they were just not compatible. He said he found that I was much more compatible with him, not "better", just more compatible with him specifically. Once our A was revealed, anything valueable he had to say about the problems in their marriage that preceded the A went on deaf ears. The BW has disrupted his professional life and dragged their 2 kids into the emotional fray. I left my M when the EA started with xMM. I did not get busted until after my M was over. I KNEW I was not leaving for him and as painful as it is that things didn't work out with MM in the end, I am at greater peace for it. People come into our lives for a reason, but it isn't always the reason we want it to be. If you think you may want to leave the M because of the M itself, do it before you get caught. It will save EVERYONE, especially your kids, a tremendous amount of pain. If you want to stay in the M, make sure you do it for the right reasons. No woman wants a man to stay with her out of guilt, a sense of duty/obligation, or the classic "the kids". If you can't love her the way she deserves and could be loved by someone else, you owe it to her to let her go. thanks misty- i often think about just getting myself caught but then i quickly say well if i am not leaving why would i want to tell her and ruin her peprfect little world but in reality if she knew she would know its not a perfect world but a lie, see i dont think i could leave the M without giving her the reason why, i think i would need to reveal all and get a fresh start, i guess i also worry that she will draw the 3 kids in and also that eventhough i have done so many things to her she would beg me to stay. i dont want to take over this post so i think i will post a new post of my own today, i appreciate your advice,most dont understand what i am going through and are only quick to judge.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I agree. Aeh, Is you H going for individual counseling as well? That'd be a real good sign that he's interested in really changing his ways to prevent this from happening again. Yep, and doing it on his own volition. I started therapy and reading a year before I confessed on my own. H thought it was depression and of course that was part of it. When things came to head, H could put the pieces of the puzzle together and my being therapy helped the rebuilding trust factor.
OFGnomore Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 thanks for that, i wish you the best of luck, yes i will continue to post because i am the epitome of the Wh, if you ever looked at my life you would never beleive i do what i do and yes i agree my soul was wounded long before marriage. You sound so much like my xMM. Keep posting. I'll try not to judge but I will call you out stuff.
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