phineas Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I am sorry what you went through. If my son had come in contact with POSOM, I don't know what I would have done. The worst part about that is I found tons of pictures where she went with OM & my son to all the fun places I wanted to take him. which reminds me, whenever she told me she was going to the pumpkin farm for example or pick apples with my kid she'd tell me she was going with her single mom friend & if I tried to go she'd start an argument with me saying we didn't need to spend every waking moment together. (keep in mind with her work schedule we only saw each other on weekends) she'd also tell me she needed her space. (which I now know meant she was going to be with OM & she didn't want me to call her cell & bother her) She actually fabricated this mother & daughter. Telling me they got together then brought the kids back to the house where they napped together on the carpet. This person never existed! So yea I know she brought him over. OM was the single mother & kid.
MistyK Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think some MM/MW have the desire to cheat on the marital bed for passive aggressive reasons (particularly ones having "exit affairs"). I was with my xMM once in the marital bed. When done, I told him at least twice to change the sheets, even if only because I thought his wife would notice the stains, but he didn't. I think some part of him got off on the idea that she was sleeping where he and I had sex - he had an amazing amount of resentment for his W, and that's just one way it played out. In another aspect, I think it allowed him to feel like he melded the two unreconcileable worlds...me, and the world of his wife an family, if only for a little while. There may be a whole littany of complex reasons cheaters use the marital bed.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think some MM/MW have the desire to cheat on the marital bed for passive aggressive reasons (particularly ones having "exit affairs"). I was with my xMM once in the marital bed. When done, I told him at least twice to change the sheets, even if only because I thought his wife would notice the stains, but he didn't. I think some part of him got off on the idea that she was sleeping where he and I had sex - he had an amazing amount of resentment for his W, and that's just one way it played out. In another aspect, I think it allowed him to feel like he melded the two unreconcileable worlds...me, and the world of his wife an family, if only for a little while. There may be a whole littany of complex reasons cheaters use the marital bed. What were YOUR thoughts of doing it in "their" bed? Lizzie indicated that this may be a 'female boundary' thing, which I disagree with...most men I know would be equally devestated to learn that their wife brought the OM into their bed.
PhoenixRise Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I think some MM/MW have the desire to cheat on the marital bed for passive aggressive reasons (particularly ones having "exit affairs"). I was with my xMM once in the marital bed. When done, I told him at least twice to change the sheets, even if only because I thought his wife would notice the stains, but he didn't. I think some part of him got off on the idea that she was sleeping where he and I had sex - he had an amazing amount of resentment for his W, and that's just one way it played out. In another aspect, I think it allowed him to feel like he melded the two unreconcileable worlds...me, and the world of his wife an family, if only for a little while. There may be a whole littany of complex reasons cheaters use the marital bed. Ok but Misty Why on Earth would YOU have sex with MM in the marital residence in the same bed where you Knew he was sleeping with his wife? Did you have resentment toward her? Did you take it as a sign that he loved you and not her? What? Did his wife ever know about this?
PhoenixRise Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I can say without any doubt that if my H had ever brought OW into my home or had sex with her in my bed it would have been on and poppin. Reconciliation would have been impossible. It was hard enough just dealing with the fact that there WAS an OW. An action like bringing someone else into the marital bed is a hostile act on the part of the WS and the AP. I would have taken it as such and reacted accordingly.
Spark1111 Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 The car and cell phone are gone. Her gifts and cards thrown out. I almost threw out the romantic painting that hangs over our bed, not because she had ever been there, but because I thought the marriage was a sham so the picture was too. (I didn't.) I insisted we visit the same restaurants he had taken her, so I could begin to create new memories in them, and to regain personal self-empowerment. I wouldn't continue to drive by them and be be "triggered" with thoughts of them together. I agree with all the successful reconcilers here. The affair was the betrayal. Had he not been willing to do whatever I needed to heal from the affair, that would have been a deal breaker for me. But he was. Now, two years from DDay, with a lot of hard work and counseling under our belt, I can calmly play the "what if" game. Putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. What if I called my lover every morning after you left for work, and he called me every night to say good night while you slept? What if every time I told you I had to work late or travel for a business trip, I picked my lover up and we went out together? What if I orgasmed with another man during the day, but came home and made love to you that night? He cringes in horror; we cry together and go forward. But to answer your question? Yes, I would have thrown the bed out and set it on fire. Painted and redecorated the room to make it my own again.
MistyK Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 What were YOUR thoughts of doing it in "their" bed? Lizzie indicated that this may be a 'female boundary' thing, which I disagree with...most men I know would be equally devestated to learn that their wife brought the OM into their bed. At the time, he wasn't sleeping in their bed with her (according to him), he was sleeping in another room, and they hadn't had sex for about 2 years. I was uncomfortable with it, very uncomfortable- it felt like invading someone's space (because it was, of course). But I went with it because I loved him, because I wanted him to be comfortable - he was not comfortable coming to my house even though I was seperated, and I guess I figured that their M really must be as "over/dead, etc" as he said if he was wanting to have sex with me in their bed. And in a more goofy way it was like claiming territory - that if he was lying to me and still sleeping with her I could take some sick comfort in knowing I had been there with him as well. And I probably did have some anger towards his W. It's easy to get sucked into a littany of complaints about the BS when you're a sympathtic OW/OM. AT that time, I was very angry at her for him, it wasn't until much later that I realized how sick that was.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Thanks for the honest answer, Misty. I appreciate that.
In_Repair Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I've been in MW's bed... couch... the kitchen counter... the floor... I think I probably had sex with her in their new house before he did. No, I'm not proud of it, and it was a really terrible thing for us to do. Those "heat of the moment" type deals never bothered me because I never thought that far into it. Once though when he went out of town, she invited me to come stay overnight with her... THAT was kind of strange and I felt like I was twisting the knife that I had already stuck in his chest. I think it is probably a bigger deal for women. Maybe not by that much, and I'm sure it varies greatly, but my STBX wife's reaction was very surprising. This is a woman that left me to be with another man, but after getting wind that I was dating, she actually had the nerve to ask, in an angry tone, if I was bringing women back to our house and in our bed!
GorillaTheater Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 If my wife had a PA, that would be it. The only thing left would be to sign the paperwork. Her doing him in our bed would only be one more stab in the gut, with a little extra blade-twisting.
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