OFGnomore Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Just reading another thread how her H had sex in their home. Also had an off topic discussion about this with another member about the sanctity of the marital home/bed. Does anyone else agree that this plays a part in reconcilation? Possibly a big part? I think it's another level, a deeper level of betrayal, to bring a lover into the family home. IMO, it DOES make a difference. Insult to injury at the very least.
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 it would show me a deep level of disrespect from the cheating spouse... willing to disregard at any cost - huge red flag for anger and bitter feelings toward the spouse.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 It might not be anger...it could be utter disregard and lack of care...apathy rather than anger. I'd say that it does play a HUGE factor in recovery...every time the BS looks at that bed, they'll have triggers out the wazoo. The few posts I've seen from people dealing with this nearly always resulted in them insisting that the bed be replaced.
silktricks Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Had my husband brought her into our home I doubt that I would have been able to forgive him - and I certainly would never have set foot in the house again. It would have been on the market the next day. He took her for a ride in his car and I wouldn't ride in it again. We sold it and bought a new one.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Very symbolic and a tangilbe sign of just how little respect and regard a cheater that does this has for his/her spouse and family. On another site, a BS was enraged by this abd had her WH burn the bed in the backyard. I suggested that she insist he eat the bed, piece by piece. He shat on it, so now he can shat it.
NoIDidn't Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Had my husband brought her into our home I doubt that I would have been able to forgive him - and I certainly would never have set foot in the house again. It would have been on the market the next day. He took her for a ride in his car and I wouldn't ride in it again. We sold it and bought a new one. I agree. My H gave her a ride in his car too, but it was a company car. And he had already just gotten a new one that she hadn't been in by the time I found out. If she had been in my house or met my children without my consent, it would have been ON!!! (In divorce court, that is).
In Like Flynn Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Mine brought her OM into our house a few times and into the spare bedroom. Swears never in the marital bed!!! I asked her why and she gave me the I wouldn't do that to you etc!!! But eventually I got her to admit it was only because it was easier to conceal in the spare. I have images of them making out on the couch, in the kitchen etc.
65tr6 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My wife did bring her lover to my home. Yes i felt very sick when I heard it from her. Did that play a role my decision to reconcile ? No, not really. To me, the day she started the affair, she had crossed the line. I didnt differentiate too much between what she had done during the affair. I dont think it was the anger that played a big role on her part. It was the fact that I was out of town and she had to see him. It was the OM who insisted that he come down and pay a "visit". About bed being replaced ? I don't know - it did not matter to me. (man, i can feel the triggers already as my hands shake typing this !). Then where do you stop ? Replace cars, floors, house ? Might as well replace your significant other instead. In the overall scheme of things, no it does not play a HUGE role - assuming that the wayward is now an xwayward and totally remorseful for what he/she had done. I understand everyone is different. I dont think it was total lack of respect (that's what i thought) but it is more like complete apathy like owl said or being under the influence of "in love". You never know what they do in those circumstances. I am not saying there aren't any cheaters out there who do it out of spite, arrogance, revenge. I am sure there are. That could be a huge red flag in such cases.
2sure Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I was violated, the marriage was violated, and my home was violated when he betrayed me. Yes, if he has brought OW into my bed it would have made me more angry . But the betrayal would have been the same.
65tr6 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 IMO, it DOES make a difference. It is interesting. I read few posts above. Men who are willing to reconcile dont seem to be "bothered" by it while for women it is a deal breaker. I wonder if the gender plays a role here. I would be curoius to see responses from betrayed women who went through this. Anyone out there ?
stuckinoz Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My wife did bring her lover to my home. Yes i felt very sick when I heard it from her. Did that play a role my decision to reconcile ? No, not really. To me, the day she started the affair, she had crossed the line. I didnt differentiate too much between what she had done during the affair. I dont think it was the anger that played a big role on her part. It was the fact that I was out of town and she had to see him. It was the OM who insisted that he come down and pay a "visit". About bed being replaced ? I don't know - it did not matter to me. (man, i can feel the triggers already as my hands shake typing this !). Then where do you stop ? Replace cars, floors, house ? Might as well replace your significant other instead. In the overall scheme of things, no it does not play a HUGE role - assuming that the wayward is now an xwayward and totally remorseful for what he/she had done. I understand everyone is different. I dont think it was total lack of respect (that's what i thought) but it is more like complete apathy like owl said or being under the influence of "in love". You never know what they do in those circumstances. I am not saying there aren't any cheaters out there who do it out of spite, arrogance, revenge. I am sure there are. That could be a huge red flag in such cases. Excellent point...Where & how do you stop the preverbial snowball affect? I like your post here - It shows that people CAN move on past affairs & you don't have to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner" If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct? So many times I see here in LS people that just can't let go. Whether their spouse was caught in an affair a week ago or 10 years ago. They just keep at it.
silktricks Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Excellent point...Where & how do you stop the preverbial snowball affect? I like your post here - It shows that people CAN move on past affairs & you don't have to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner" If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct? So many times I see here in LS people that just can't let go. Whether their spouse was caught in an affair a week ago or 10 years ago. They just keep at it. Hmmmm - forgiving and forgetting takes time. A varying amount of time, but time. What takes place over that space of time changes you. But to get to the space where you can truly say you've forgiven you have to be able to not think about what happened every minute of every day. Sometimes to get to that space you need to remove painful triggers. As I said earlier, we sold a car because she'd been in it. If my husband had refused to do so, that would have meant something to me. The fact that he was willing to do so also meant something. Different people need different things in order to heal. Because one person needs to "throw out the bed, the car, the bath towels & every other thing that may have been touched by the affair partner" doesn't mean they cannot - given adequate time and love by their spouse - get over the affair. It doesn't mean they are weaker or stronger, it just means that's what that person needs.
mark982 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 when my wife cheated,i like alot of others had my bed replaced,just the thought of laying there in the same bed where she has sex w/ another man made my skin crawl,she couldn't see the big deal(one of the reasons she's a ex)
65tr6 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you choose to forgive & stick it out - then you have to learn to let go. (to some degree) Correct? Pretty much. Easier said than done but it CAN be done. It takes a lot of courage and self-belief to do this - To constantly motivate yourself, keeping negative thoughts out, replacing them with positives. I dont know what your story is but there is a good reason why they say it takes years to truely recover. If you cannot start the process of forgiveness then I am not sure how much progress you can make in your recovery or anything for that matter. Oh, another point. Holding on to that resentment about OM/OW is probably not going to help either. Ofcourse I think still OM was a total coward and a complete POS and that is where I stop. I hear/read about the MCs advising BSs not to get into affair details with their waywards and I can see their point. In my case, I had to know everything. What has happened is happened. Question is are you willing to forgive and move forward ? If no, then recovery is not for you no matter how "good" or "ugly" the affair is or was. All affairs are ugly. They destroy blind trust, innocence, families....you get the point. But that in no way means, you cannot rebuild.
Andy L Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Just reading another thread how her H had sex in their home. ..... the marital home/bed. I think it's another level, a deeper level of betrayal, to bring a lover into the family home. IMO. Insult to injury at the very least. Dear, 1) Not in my opinion.. but many people think so. For me, the problem on cheating is not where it happen... 2) Was it your case with the OM? In your own home/bed?
Author OFGnomore Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Dear, 1) Not in my opinion.. but many people think so. For me, the problem on cheating is not where it happen... 2) Was it your case with the OM? In your own home/bed? No, foolishly I went to xOMs house to end it and that was the last time I was with him.
Darth Vader Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 when my wife cheated,i like alot of others had my bed replaced,just the thought of laying there in the same bed where she has sex w/ another man made my skin crawl,she couldn't see the big deal(one of the reasons she's a ex) That's the thing right there. Many feel like the WS is dumping on the marriage and on the BS. The bed, well because it's the martial bed. And the spouse, because that's where they've slept at and or will have to sleep there in the future. To the other guy whose hands are shaking as you type your post, get rid of that bed man! Your wife has to realize how much she disgraced your marriage and martial bed. Personnally, I couldn't/wouldn't sleep there, the bed would have to go, and her with it!
wildbill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Just reading another thread how her H had sex in their home. Also had an off topic discussion about this with another member about the sanctity of the marital home/bed. Does anyone else agree that this plays a part in reconcilation? Possibly a big part? I think it's another level, a deeper level of betrayal, to bring a lover into the family home. IMO, it DOES make a difference. Insult to injury at the very least. Would the infidity be any better if they screwed in her bed?
wildbill Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 That's the thing right there. Many feel like the WS is dumping on the marriage and on the BS. The bed, well because it's the martial bed. And the spouse, because that's where they've slept at and or will have to sleep there in the future. To the other guy whose hands are shaking as you type your post, get rid of that bed man! Your wife has to realize how much she disgraced your marriage and martial bed. Personnally, I couldn't/wouldn't sleep there, the bed would have to go, and her with it! Man you did right tell to take her nasty bed with her. Who wants to sleep in a bed where some other guy shot his wad.
phineas Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I believe my wife brought OM to my house. She denies it but neighbors saw her with a man that wasn't me go into the house a few times. She claims it was her brother they saw but he lives out of town & only visited twice for a week each time. My brother saw her taking one of two logical routes to get to my house with another man in her car. I do not believe they screwed on the bed because the bedroom itself looked like a giant closet at the time & was just very messy. She probably did him on the futon in the kids room because we kept that clean for the kid to play in. She has that now. My then about 2 yr old son was saying mommy & daddy took a shower to my family often & kept mentioning some man's name. (turned out to be OM actually & we wern't showering together either) My wife was essentially dateing this man for 6 months while my kid was 1yr to 1yr 6mos & bringing him along showing affection to OM in front of him. taking "family" type pictures together with my son. That is a far worse betrayal than any marital bed stains she may of made with another man.
65tr6 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 That is a far worse betrayal than any marital bed stains she may of made with another man. I am sorry what you went through. If my son had come in contact with POSOM, I don't know what I would have done.
murguia1943 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 While I have experienced many an affair I never denigrated my husband by having sex with another in our house let alone our bed. I can not imagine doing this. A wife who does this is no longer thinking of her husband and has no care for his feelings or his respect.
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I would suggest that a wife having an affair...period...is "no longer thinking of her husband and has no care for his feelings or his respect." I personally wouldn't draw much additional comfort if my wife had said "well at least we didn't do it in OUR bed!". But I do understand how this could be an additional trigger for someone betrayed in this fashion...if they KNEW that their spouse was "with" someone in a bed that they saw and slept in every night.
Lizzie60 Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I only read a few posts.. but I agree with 65.. it could be a gender thing.. I think men, in general, are not so sensitive (romantic) about those things.. The MM that have been caught with me.. brought me to his home and we had sex in the marital bed.. That was HER first question when she interrogated us.. Did you bring her home.. did you have sex in OUR bed?... he said no.. then she turned to me and looked straight into my eyes.. I couldn't lie to her.. we had set him up together so I felt the need to 'help' her see how miserable he was... and that he would never ever stop cheating on her. Was it a deal breaker for her.. no.. they are still together.. (it's been 6 years now).. He tried to get back with me a few years later.
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 I only read a few posts.. but I agree with 65.. it could be a gender thing.. I think men, in general, are not so sensitive (romantic) about those things.. The MM that have been caught with me.. brought me to his home and we had sex in the marital bed.. That was HER first question when she interrogated us.. Did you bring her home.. did you have sex in OUR bed?... he said no.. then she turned to me and looked straight into my eyes.. I couldn't lie to her.. we had set him up together so I felt the need to 'help' her see how miserable he was... and that he would never ever stop cheating on her. Was it a deal breaker for her.. no.. they are still together.. (it's been 6 years now).. He tried to get back with me a few years later. If women are more "sensitive" about this...how did you feel about going to his home and doing it in "their" bed???
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