Touche Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I spoke with my friend and she told me that the reason that they seperated was because they began fighting constantly, about every little thing. She said mostly it was over money because she got laid off and had to take a less paying job. She's very upset but she did say that she was just sick of arguing over the same thing. Shows, they don't have coping skills. Can't tough it out. Can't resolve things. We ALL get to a stage (well almost all of us) where we start bickering and fighting over little things. And yes, the big things like money, etc. The thing to do when you get sick of arguing over the same things over and over again is to sit down like two adults and come to a happy compromise. Not continue to argue about it. And not divorce over it, for heaven's sakes! Sheesh! Again, marriage is for the mature only. Obviously they have zero communication skills. That's sad, LB. I'm sorry for your friends. A 20 year old and a 25 year old is the same age to you? Okay then, that's obviously why you have that opinion. A 5 year difference from 20 to 25 is pertty significant to most folks. At 20: living at home, part time job in school. At 25: moved out, full time job, owns car. Not even comparable! One of the smartest people I have ever known was a former professor, and I will never forget the advice he once gave me.........he told me people can change but it is rare. The only thing that changes a person is a life altering experience. He said a person is who they are once they hit 16 years old. They may change a little, but a selfish 16 year old will grow into a selfish 50 year old. You underestimate 20 year olds. Society is the reason why divorce rate is so high. Now of days we encourage divorce, marriage is not valued anymore. It's pretty much just a reality TV show now. I'll go one further and say that by the time we're in elementary school our personalities are set. We are mostly who we'll be for the rest of our lives. Think about it. What did you mean about underestimating 20 year olds? Were you talking to me? If so, how did I "underestimate" them?
Lizzie60 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I think it's good that divorce is easier to process these days. People change drastically as they age and there's no reason to think that a person you're compatible with at 25 will be good for you at 50. That you manage to "stick with" a marriage is not an indication of success - you could be miserable! I'm not saying you should split up at the first speedbump.... but by all means, if things obviously aren't working out - divorce! I have to bow to this post.. it's exactly what I think...
fooled once Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I agree. When a couple is having communication problems, what advice do they get? Play games, use passive aggressive behavior. "He/she doesn't do little things for me like they used to." What advice is given? "Start paying them less attention, so they come around!" They are not advised to use a skill set to work through problems, IMHO Often problems start out on a small and reasonable scale, they are never dealt with only compounded, to the point the person feels "okay time to walk away" when it's turned into a monster. If there's one thing I'm most thankful for in my relationship, it's that I know the masks are off. He knows all my negative traits, he knows what I do that would push his buttons or set him off. I know what he does that would push my buttons or set me off. We have a lot of room to grow, but we're just starting out, and I do everything I can to keep us growing in a positive manner. I'm learning a lot, but I want to be that couple who works out problems and becomes stronger. But yeah, I believe "back then" people HAD to work it out. If they didn't, it wasn't quite as easy or accessible as it is now to just get a divorce and viola. I don't think staying together was necesarily indicative though of a happy relationship, it's just that two people "needed" eachother in their respective roles back then so much more. I totally agree about the games young people seem to play now. And the "retail therapy" that so many women do when they get mad at their spouse Yet they are in debt up to their ears, but hey, go shopping when the going gets tough. I hear so many times "well, if things don't work, we will just get divorced". Gosh, if you are thinking that even BEFORE getting married, why bother? Instead of communicating, working through issues, marriage counseling, etc., many just jump to divorce
Touche Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Interesting views on this. I guess I stand in the middle. Don't get married if you REALLY don't think it will be forever. And if it's not working and you've done your very best to work it out, for God's sakes, GET OUT! Life is too short. Really. I'm sure not one for staying at all costs (I have a divorce behind me after all.) But if the love is there and you are mostly compatible, you owe to yourselves (and any kids you have) to really try to work it out. If handled right, what may seem like a huge problem today can be a long forgotten SOLVED problem tomorrow.
mental_traveller Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I think it's good that divorce is easier to process these days. People change drastically as they age and there's no reason to think that a person you're compatible with at 25 will be good for you at 50. That you manage to "stick with" a marriage is not an indication of success - you could be miserable! I'm not saying you should split up at the first speedbump.... but by all means, if things obviously aren't working out - divorce! I guess the question is why get married at all if this is how you think? It seems strange to marry, expecting it to end in divorce - just cohabit or live close together in separate places.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I spoke with my friend and she told me that the reason that they seperated was because they began fighting constantly, about every little thing. She said mostly it was over money because she got laid off and had to take a less paying job. She's very upset but she did say that she was just sick of arguing over the same thing. IMO, that's no reason to divorce. What ever happened to "through thick and thin, in good times and in bad"?? That's horrible.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 IMO, that's no reason to divorce. What ever happened to "through thick and thin, in good times and in bad"?? That's horrible. Yeah, I know I feel sorry for her. I guess they just couldn't get through it. She actually said that she was willing to work it out but her husband was stubborn and wouldn't stop fighting with her about it. I might have posted this before but I recall one of her away messages on AIM that I will always remember because it shocked me. She said: "I am either going to kill or divorce my husband, he really pushed it this time!" Quite an eye opener.
Touche Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 How was it an eye-opener, LB? Just curious. Also, I'm curious about how they resolved other issues in the past? Didn't they ever have problems before they married? And how did they solve things then?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 How was it an eye-opener, LB? Just curious. Also, I'm curious about how they resolved other issues in the past? Didn't they ever have problems before they married? And how did they solve things then? Well, she never mentioned any issues or anything that they had in the past..like prior to getting married. She said they started talking about marriage about 1 month into their relationship and 8 months later they were engaged. Maybe they did have some issues and she just never told anyone because she didn't want others questioning her or trying to advise her not to get married. I guess what I meant by eye opener was that I had no idea they even had any issues in their marriage let alone getting a divorce.
sb129 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 For the record, I would NEVER write something like that about my H on an internet board/IM/FB etc without at the very least talking to him first and trying to work the problems out with him. (in fact, I wouldn't do it at all. Our problems are our business) Thats disrespectful and immature IMO, and it suddenly brings your issues to the attention of everyone else, which isn't always a good thing. (LS is different- its anonymous)
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 For the record, I would NEVER write something like that about my H on an internet board/IM/FB etc without at the very least talking to him first and trying to work the problems out with him. (in fact, I wouldn't do it at all. Our problems are our business) Thats disrespectful and immature IMO, and it suddenly brings your issues to the attention of everyone else, which isn't always a good thing. (LS is different- its anonymous) Are you talking about her away message? Yeah, I was kind of surprised about that one.
sb129 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Yes, the one where she said she wanted to either divorce or kill her H. Says a bit about her level of maturity when dealing with conflict, which in turn suggests perhaps why the marriage isn't working out.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Yes, the one where she said she wanted to either divorce or kill her H. Says a bit about her level of maturity when dealing with conflict, which in turn suggests perhaps why the marriage isn't working out. Yeah, I know. She's posted some stuff on facebook as well, like that she is angry at a "certain someone" or stuff like that. I think it is a combination of the fact that they didn't know each other long enough before getting married and their young age. I think the two go hand in hand also because they weren't mature enough to find out enough about each other prior to getting married. I think they just decided to see what they wanted to see and not what they were really like.
shadowplay Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Sorry to be a grammar snob, but I hope the apostrophe in the title was accidental.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Sorry to be a grammar snob, but I hope the apostrophe in the title was accidental. Haha, yes it was, there wasn't anyway to edit it.
shadowplay Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Haha, yes it was, there wasn't anyway to edit it. OK, sorry to bug you. It just kept irking me.
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 they weren't mature enough Does she sleep with a teddy bear too?
Touche Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Does she sleep with a teddy bear too? Well, she may want her teddy bear now since she'll be sleeping alone soon.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Well, she may want her teddy bear now since she'll be sleeping alone soon. Haha, yeah. I don't think she has one.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Posted July 13, 2009 Does she sleep with a teddy bear too? I don't think so but there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if she did.
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