sweetnlow Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 One my friend's gave birth to a bouncing baby boy this morning. Great news, I'm so please for her and her hubby. They are so together and completely loved up, the baby is going to have a wonderful home and amazing life with them. In all the happiness though, I can't help feeling a little sad. My relationship is a mess. I'm years off ever getting married (despite being with him for almost ten years) and I don't even know if I want kids. Which leaves me completely confused to how I'm feeling. It's selfish I know. But I suppose my friend's happiness and achievement it shining a big scary light on what I don't have and making me question what I want in life. Is this normal? Is this my biological clock ticking....?
Scottdmw Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Is marriage something that you want? If it isn't, I wouldn't worry too much. If marriage is something you're looking for in your life, I would suggest that if you've been with a guy for 10 years and he isn't interested in marriage, he may never be. Have you had a heart to heart conversation with him about this? Scott
Author sweetnlow Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I do want to get married, but amn't desperate to do it right now. As long as I know it's on the card type of thing. My boyf wants to marry too, but there is lots of family complications (his side, it would be a mixed marriage) and he won't even consider marriage without me committing to having kids. I'm not yet convinced I want kids (only child, never really been around babies or kids - it's difficult to imagine having one of my own!), I'd prefer to iron out the kinks in the relationship, settle into it and then, yeah, maybe kids. Problem is everytime we talk about it, we end up arguing.
Scottdmw Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Well, kids definitely sounds like a good issue to figure out before you get married. The family complications can also be an issue, although one that's a lot more out of your hands. In some sense the families will pretty much think what they think, and you guys have to make your own decision about what to do given that. I definitely have friends that never had a strong desire or liking for children, but after they had their own their feelings completely changed and they were glad to be parents. Biology tends (though does not guarantee) to make that happen--we are in a sense hard-wired to love our children. I'm not sure how old you are, but that definitely plays into it too. Around age 35 women's fertility starts to take a nose dive, after 40 it's difficult and unlikely to have children at least using your own eggs. What are the arguments about when you talk about marriage and children? Scott
Author sweetnlow Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I'm 33, and figuring I need to start making some decisions soon. He's 36 and not getting any younger either - altho' it's much easier for guys!?! Our biggest problem is his family doesn't even know I exist. He fears they may disown him if it did come out, so has bided his time. We don't live together full time. He lives between his parents and my flat. Which is unsettling for me, as at time it feels as if we don't have proper relationship and I find it difficult to see beyond this phase to kids. At the moment he can always 'escape' problems, in real life he wouldn't have that luxury. My issue is that I need to understand how his family dynamic would impact our relationship before making any major decisions, be that marriage, children, etc. His parents have a strong influence in his life, and I don't know how that would change if they knew about me. His argument is that he needs me to commit to marriage and kids before he tells his parents. I understand his position, but all I'm asking for is some bedding time. Rock and a hard place and neither one of us appears open to compromise.
Scottdmw Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 That sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I personally have some experience with a slightly similar issue. I was engaged to a woman whose parents for whatever reason didn't like me, and generally made it very difficult for us to be together. They had made some threats along the lines of disowning her, although I'm not sure if they were serious. I definitely see the conflict. There doesn't seem to be an easy way for you to move forward, and I think I would definitely feel stuck if I was in that position. BTW, to answer your original question, I can't say anything from personal experience but from what I understand it's pretty normal to feel “baby jealousy” like you describe. Kind of natures way of prodding you along I guess. In your situation I think I would lean towards him needing to be honest with his parents first. I mean, it's a risk either way for one of you. But, it just doesn't seem like a very good way to handle things when a person can’t tell their parents the truth. It is a tough one though if they truly would disown him. Scott
LovieDove24 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 The fact that his parents have no idea you exist after ten years is the most troubling thing I read in this whole post. None at all? They don't know his girlfriend exists...or is of another race? This important detail shows not only an unlikelihood of marriage but also shows a lack of importance placed on your relationship. Get him to introduce you to his family, or sweetie there will be no wedding. Im actually quite disturbed how much you minimized the fact that you are his 10 year long "dirty little secret."
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