luvwveers Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 My divorce was final a year ago. I was in a an emotionally abusive marriage for almost 20 years with a habitual cheater. It was very, very hard to get away and I am finally feeling ready to move on. I have 2 grown daughters (23 and 18). My oldest lives out of state and my youngest lives with me. She will be a freshmen in college this fall and plans to commute to school. So my question is how do tell my daughter that I have a new male "friend"?? She has only ever seen me with her father and has made comments over the past year that she didn't want me to have a boyfriend. I was ok with that up until recently. I want male company again. I don't want a serious relationship but am feeling like I have to sneak around my own home (which I have 2 jobs to pay for everything). Is it ok to be open with her that he is coming over and I need the privacy??? She is rarely home anyway.
girl68 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 As a daughter of a mother who was also divoriced around that age as well I think I can represent how she might feel. First of all, no she does NOT want to know he mother is having or has the desire to sex. Period, no ifs ands or buts. She doesn't want to know as far as she is concerned you had sex twice once to concieve her sister once for herself. You are now a woman who doesn't have sex. Yes, I am entirely aware that this isn't true. But this is who she feels (as did I). It's almost as if you wish your daughter to be a virgin until she's married- (kinda like "yeah right") I think you need to have an open and honest talk about why she doesn't want to see you with a man. Not about when you'd like to have sex. Tell her you're interested in dating, and what you hope to get out of dating. She definately doesn't want to hear about how her mother would like to have non-serious fling after fling. So don't say it like that. So I guess in a sense, yes you have to be discreet and careful about what you say. Yes, she's not stupid so don't go around lieing either. If she is rarely home, you shouldn't have a problem finding the alone time. She finds the time and the places to have sex without you knowing, you should be able to do the same.
Author luvwveers Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I am not planning on having fling after fling. I have finally found someone I am interested in and after living in a loveless marriage for a long time I am pretty excited. I know she doesn't want to know about me having sex and wasn't planning on discussing those intimate details. I wanted to start out spending time alone with him so that she wouldn't be subjected to him until I get to know him better myself. I have seen him out a few times but we are to the point that he'd like to come over and watch movies, enjoy dinner at home, etc. I will have a talk with her. If we can discuss her sex life we can discuss my dating life.
girl68 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Wait a minute. Don't be bringing him over until you are sure she's okay or at least fore warned. If you want to be spending alone time with him but are not ready to subject your daughter to your new friend don't be bringing him around. Sorry, that goes against what you feel. Spend time at his place, or at a hotel if you're really not ready to introduce them. That or ensure she will not be home until he leaves.
Author luvwveers Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I have no intentions of bringing him around her until I have talked with her and let her know that I have an interest. She and I have a close relationship and I'd never put her in that situation. I realize this is a touchy thing for her and am trying to educate myself in the best way to deal with it.
girl68 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Just try to be honest. Not TOO honest, just like this is how I feel and what I'd like, then ask her how she feels about that. Seeing your mom affectionate towards another guy takes a loooooooooooong time to get used to. My mom started dating a year after her divorce it took me another 5 to "get over it".
Author luvwveers Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 That is what I was thinking but its nice to hear it from your point of view. I appreciate it. She and her father are not close at all. He has hurt her by forcing a girlfriend in the picture. Especially when she knows that this woman was around before I left. Tough stuff on her and I don't want to make it worse.
girl68 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 That's probably what she's afraid of; having a man take her mom away. Goodluck.
asireen Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I was in a an emotionally abusive marriage for almost 20 years with a habitual cheater. It was very, very hard to get away and I am finally feeling ready to move on. I have 2 grown daughters (23 and 18). It is very commendable you put up with this till your youngest daughter was 18 (almost). Some day, they will really appreciate it, perhaps when they too have more life experiences. Yes, it is time to move on, wish you the best.
HsMomma Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 My divorce was final a year ago. I was in a an emotionally abusive marriage for almost 20 years with a habitual cheater. It was very, very hard to get away and I am finally feeling ready to move on. I have 2 grown daughters (23 and 18). My oldest lives out of state and my youngest lives with me. She will be a freshmen in college this fall and plans to commute to school. So my question is how do tell my daughter that I have a new male "friend"?? She has only ever seen me with her father and has made comments over the past year that she didn't want me to have a boyfriend. I was ok with that up until recently. I want male company again. I don't want a serious relationship but am feeling like I have to sneak around my own home (which I have 2 jobs to pay for everything). Is it ok to be open with her that he is coming over and I need the privacy??? She is rarely home anyway. I come at this from a different perspective altogether, OP. I was a single mother for years when my daughter was younger - her father & I divorced when she was 4. Because of her age, when I met my now husband, the two of them didn't meet for quite some time, and when they did it was that he was "Momma's friend" & we'd all go out somewhere together. I did not bring him into our home until we had decided to get serious in our relationship. We "dated" for several years before we got married but we never lived together until after the wedding (my choice - I don't judge those who do, but for ME, it wasn't right). Here's the big thing - when our relationship DID get serious, and we made the choice to be intimate, I NEVER had sex in my daughter's & my home. I felt like that was her sanctuary & I wasn't bringing that element of an adult relationship into her home. Again, though, my daughter was much younger than yours. Your daughter is, in the eyes of the law anyway, an adult. While I understand she may feel a bit threatened by a new man in your life, she is certainly old enough to comprehend that you want to spend time with/get to know this person better, and you should not have to sneak around for that. Having said that, though, my suggestion would be this: sit her down & talk to her similarly to the way you expressed your original post - calmly & coolly explaining that you feel you are now ready for a male's company. In introducing the two of them, I personally would make it where they met initially someplace neutral, i.e. a restaurant. It would be, I would think, much less uncomfortable for her to meet him when it's not in HER home (which is how she sees your home). As far as spending alone time together, can you not spend time at his place until he & your daughter get to know one another a bit more? Can you ease into having him over for supper/movies/etc.? Food for thought - as I said, I come at this from a different perspective - not necessarily right or wrong - just different.
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