I want him, but he doesn't want me.

[nastyapple]

Hello all,

I've just joined this community because I seem to be unlucky in love, and I could use all the advice I can get. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about relationships, and those I can talk to haven't really got anything constructive to say, much as they try.

 

So... My situation. My boyfriend of just over a year and I have split. I'll try my best to explain the entire situation in the hope I'll get some helpful responses.

 

We were best friends before we were a couple for around 4 years, although our friendship went through stages where we would talk nonestop, and then not talk at all for periods of a few months. At the time I was with my first love - although not my first serious relationship (I was with another guy before that one for around a year), and he was rather controlling. I'd like to think I was young and naieve, because I loved him desperately and allowed myself to be controlled. I did not have many friends because he wouldn't allow me to even talk to guys without kicking up a fuss. I find that I get along with men better than women for some reason. He told me that if I ever drank, he would not speak to me ever again. His mum was at the time, an alcoholic and I knew how hard he found this, so I didn't touch a drop. He critisised my friends - I had about 1 friend that he approved of, and all the rest caused conflict between us. At the time, I loved him so much that I thought it would be easier to just go along with his wishes rather than argue. Whenever my then friend, the guy I've just been with, would call or text me inviting me to go out, even in a group, I would always make an excuse as to why I couldn't go. I thought it would be easier to just make some sort of excuse rather than admit the real reason I wasn't seeing him.

 

Anyway, I frequently had arguments with this guy. We both were crazy about each other, although we relied too heavily on each other. Both of us would let our arguments become very heated, and would say things we didn't mean, play mind games and basically just tear each other down. My friends couldn't understand why I was with someone who would cause an argument over merely even talking to a male, and who would purposely control me. He made me feel insecure, small, self conscious... Basically destroyed my confidence. To this day, I still doubt myself because of the things he said. Now I'm older, I can understand that I shouldn't have allowed myself to be pushed around that, although I gave as good as I got at times... and therefore carry a fair amount of blame too. I was with this guy through the last few years of school, through college and even when we were picking our universities. It was an intense relationship, and we were serious about each other, even at the age of 14/15 when we were meeting and I was with my first ever 'proper' boyfriend. We broke up many a time during the relationship. He broke up with me once (I can't remember why now), and we didn't talk at all for months. He cut me out, and I got the message and gave up trying. We would look past each other whenever we were in the same environment, we deleted each other's emails etc. I really thought it was 'THE' end, because I'd hear from mutual friends how 'over me' he was, and in response I'd act like I was over him. We both pretty much made out like we hated each other. In this time, I had a brief relationship with my now ex. We weren't intimate, and we weren't together very long, but a relationship nonetheless. We had a few brief relationships in the time we were friends, mainly when I'd broken up with the guy I was in love with. I suppose in all honesty, you could say I was using him as a rebound. I ended up getting back with the guy I was in love with then, and after all the hard times, we'd still managed to find our way back together, despite not even saying so much as 'hello' in months. We thought this meant 'true love' and we had another year together where we did have some good times, but he became even more controlling, even when I gave him no reason to start a fight. I felt like a shell of a person I once was.

 

I broke up with the guy the guy I was with. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, although I felt like I finally had to make the cut. I started going out a lot, I had a couple of brief relations with guys, but nothing serious. I started talking frequently to my ex (then friend) and we went on nights out together a few times. We became incredibly close. He was my shoulder to cry on, he was always there to talk to. He made A LOT of effort in making sure I was doing alright, he'd call me just to see how I was doing. He took care of me when I went out and ended up wayyy too drunk, because I evidently wasn't in the right mindset and overdid things. i felt like I was suddenly allowed all this freedom and didn't know where to start, or who to be. We ended up getting together as a couple, and we slept together. The guy I had just broken up with treat it as any other break up, and did not take it seriously until months had passed and neither of us had said a word. He came crawling back, begging and begging me to be back with him. He called me, text me, emailed me, rang my house phone... everything. He said he had become so complacent due to our constant arguing, that he thought he could do whatever he wanted and not think of the consequences. I believed him when he said he loved me and that things would change. I felt it was too late for me to go back though, I was already in a relationship with someone I knew was crazy about me, and I knew it would break my heart. The first time he said he loved me, my response was "don't say it unless you mean it". I guess I was scared of getting hurt.

 

Make that terrified.

 

That's why I broke up with him. I was scared of being in a relationship. I wasn't ready for it. I was still hung up on my ex. I knew he wasn't right for me, or healthy for me, but I couldn't help obsessing over what he was doing, and whether he was feeling the same way I was. Wondering whether he missed me like I missed him... I did care about the relationship I was in. I had never felt so respected by a man. I just felt it wasn't fair on him. We continued to see each other, spend time with each other, going on nights out together and sleeping together. He introduced me to his friends. We were even sleeping together, being intimate and just generally acting like a couple. All his friends asked why we weren't together when we clearly adored each other. I realised that whether I liked it or not, I was falling for the guy. I explained to him how terrified I was to through another awful break up and have another bad relationship. He promised he would never treat me the way my ex just had, and that if he ever did, he wouldn't deserve me. I decided to take a chance and invest my heart in being with the guy I'd been best friends with. I'd never trusted a boyfriend as much as I did with this guy. I felt so safe, so secure. Like I could be myself and he would always support me in what decisions I chose to make.

 

We were a fantastic couple and for months we were very very happy. We grew closer and closer, he met my family and I met his. He stayed the night at mine, and I stayed the night at his. It was the first time I'd ever done this with a boyfriend. One day I found his phone and I found text messages to another girl. He was calling her 'babe' which he called me, he was clearly flirting and one message mentioned kissing her. It broke my world and he started crying saying he was drunk. I asked him why he hadn't been honest enough to just admit he'd made a mistake and he said he was scared to lose me, because I believed he hadn't cheated. We broke up, I went through days of crying myself to sleep and sitting in lectures at uni with a blank expression on my face and I decided I loved him and missed him too much and made the move for us to be together again. This was in February this year, and we were officially together the second time in May last year.

 

Since then my trust in him was knocked. My guard was right up, I'd almost look for the next time he'd hurt me. And he did. He let me down. He was HOURS late turning up to my house, he lied when he messed up. The number of things he had done to hurt me were countless. And this time, I hadn't gave as good as I got. I treat him like gold. I took care of him when he was sick, forgave him when he hurt me and helped him in every way I could. I made him breakfast in bed whenever he spent the night. I listened to his worries.. I tried my absolute hardest. I never lied. Not even a white lie. I adored him. Every time I was happy it would seem he'd start something to make a mess of things.

 

He was however, a loving caring boyfriend. When we were together, I was happy. I loved being around him. He bought me presents, took care of me and cared about my opinion. I am not going to make him out as an ogre when he wasn't. But he did hurt me time and time again. It's obviously hard to go into the ins and outs of things, but I loved being around him, we had some very good times together and is without a doubt the best partner I have had.

 

Over the past few months, we have argued over many things. They have never been my doing. And that may sound disdainful, but I have never started any argument. He has done something wrong, and I have said something about it, and he has broken up with me/argued with me. I have never been able to let him walk out of my life without putting up a fight for him.

 

We have just broken up, and this time it is for good. He broke up with me. He says he loves me and that he cares, but he can't take the fighting. I told him that it wears on me too, that I think we are a fantastic couple, but he HAS to be honest, and loyal or else I won't trust him. And it won't work unless I trust him. Every time I start investing my trust, he lets me down and it's back to square 1. I know it can work. He is always afraid he'll lose me if he tells the truth and admits he's let me down. I tell him that everyone makes mistakes, I don't expect perfection, I expect honesty. I told him that I would be upset, but I would forgive him, because he'd been honest. Unfortunately, I didn't realise the pattern of WHY I didn't trust him, and what it would take for me to trust him until now.

 

Now I realise all I need is reassurance that he is going to be honest and loyal, and the trust will follow when I know that I have no reason to be questioning him or our relationship. He broke up with me , and he doesn't want to be back with me. For days now I have been feeling AWFUL. I had a driving test earlier, and I failed it because I couldn't think of anything but. I had been up this morning being physically sick because of the pain of missing my ex. It is awful. He has never fought for me in all the relationship... well, not really. I feel I have lost him for good this time and it is killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can barely breathe when I think about things.

 

I know this is a rambled story and possibly hard to understand, maybe it's a little vague in places too... It's hard to explain how things got so out of hand. I really am in love with this guy, despite him hurting me so many times. I know I am young, and there are 'plenty more fish in the sea', but he is the only one I want. I know it can work. I have FINALLY seen the solution to our problems, but he just has lost hope 'almost entirely' he says. He still says he loves me, and still says he cares. He hasn't tried speaking to me since our break up, but then, he never is the first to make the move. I don't know what to do. I really want to be with him, and feel I should fight for what my heart wants and needs. But on the other hand, I feel like if I love him, i should care for what makes him happy, and his wants and needs more than my own. If this is what he wants, maybe i should try and support it. I just know it can work so much.

 

I saw a quote 'if you love something, let it go. If it is truely yours, it will come back to you'. It gives me a little bit of piece of mind, but what if I give up and lose something that I could have saved?

 

My ex, the one I was with for 4 years has entered my life again. We are growing closer, and talk on the phone most days. We slept together not so long ago. We both still love each other, but agree that we are not in love. We agree that we will always be very special to each other, but we do not work. Strangely enough he has not long broke up with his girlfriend, and he wants her back, but she doesn't want him. A little bit of me thinks it means something that after all this time, and I'm talking YEARS, that we are once again together. He has changed, I have changed. We no longer argue and control each other. Then again, I think too deeply and fall too hard. I do not want to give up on the guy I have just broken up with, but I don't know if I should. And if I should, I don't know how to go about it. I never got over the guy I was with for 4 years, and I have never denied this, not even to the guy I was most recently with.

 

I hope you can give me some thoughts and feelings on this.

[kyle1234]

breaks up are hard...and you almmost always miss the one your with...i know you get the feeling maybe it will wok the second time..but if you couldnt work things out the first timee its best you two move on...but stay friends

[nastyapple]

I would like to stay friends. Ideally I'd like to be with him, but I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all.

 

I go between thinking I'm madly in love with him, to thinking I'm not in love with him at all.

[kyle1234]

you go from feeling you love him to not loving becuz thats how emotions work..they flucrate..they go up and down..love isnt a feeling...love isa commitment...ask yourself? do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy no matter what happens or how you feel... even when you feel unloved will you still love him..if not i suggest being friends...if soo go for it girl

[nastyapple]

well, i feel like I go through the works with emotions. I'm either missing him so badly I feel like death, or I'm angry at him, deciding I'm not in love with him anymore and he's a waste of time for messing me about and making me feel this way.

 

He has messed up more than once, and I have loved him just the same. I think I could spend the rest of my life with this person - I've forgiven all his mistakes and the feelings I have for him have never changed.

 

I guess I just get angry at him for hurting me so badly. I don't know how he feels, I can't even guess at it because there's so many mixed signals so I really don't know what to do.

[BCCA]

I would like to stay friends. Ideally I'd like to be with him, but I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all.

 

Is it really though? Dont you think that even if you were just 'friends', you would always have that thought in the back of your mind it could be more?

 

I think trying to be friends IS nothing. Its a demotion, and its really not what you want. Youre only willing to settle for it because its that or nothing, and you think that being his friend might get you closer to getting him back than the alternative, but I can promise you thats not true. If he said he would never, ever even consider getting back together with you, would you be his friend?

 

I go between thinking I'm madly in love with him, to thinking I'm not in love with him at all.

 

Youre confused. You love what you think he and you could have, but your not in love with who he is right now.

 

'if you love something, let it go. If it is truely yours, it will come back to you'

 

This is BOGUS!!! If you truly loved someone, you wouldnt let them go if you didnt have to. This is more for people who didnt have a choice, like their bf had to move, or joined the military, or had to go back home with family.

 

In the adult world, when you let someone go, youre saying that youre willing to risk it for something better. You know what you had, but are thinking someone else might fit you better. Once you let someone walk, dont ever expect them back.

[kyle1234]

the above poster gots it all right..if you love him you wont even think about letting him go

[nastyapple]

Well when we were in the early stages of our relationship, I was uneasy as I didn't want to ruin a 4 year long friendship that meant so much to me. He made me promise we'd try and be friends, because he said I meant too much to not be in his life at all. I think it is extremelly sad to suddenly not have any contact with someone you have shared so much with. I am friends with all of my ex's, and although I am not best friends with one of them, I am still very close to the one I was with for 4 years.

 

When I said I go between thinking I am in love with him, to not being in love with him at all, I feel it has to do with the shift in emotion I feel every so often. When I'm in stages of anger, I tell myself that I'm not in love, that this wouldn't be happening if I were, and that he is wrong for messing me about.

 

But when it comes down to it, I have loved him just the same regardless of all the mistakes that have been made. And if I'm honest with myself, yes, I do still love him.

 

I wasn't sure what to make of the quote. If you let someone go, usually they get the impression you're 'done' and move on. I think if you believe in something strong enough, you should fight for it.

 

I'm just a walking contradiction I guess. I'm not sure what to believe.

[nastyapple]

the above poster gots it all right..if you love him you wont even think about letting him go

 

 

I have never given up on him before, no matter what we have argued about or how difficult a situation has been. I saw this quote, and thought maybe it was true, and if he wants to be apart from me, I should let him go. I am scared that if I do give up a fight, he'll think I'm no longer interested.

[kyle1234]

do what your heart tells you...nothing any of us says can persuade what your heart is telling you...and who cares what anyone sees you as...if you too are contasntly fighting...thats a bad sign..try to move on

[nastyapple]

I don't want to fight for him if there is nothing to be fought for. It will only push him away further. But I don't want to give up, or I could lose him for good.

 

He never said NEVER again. He just said he can't expect me to wait, because he doesn't know how he'll feel in a week, or a month etc, but did say he didn't think he'd change his mind.

 

He rang me today, asking to meet and I said I'd ring back to arrange.

I rang back and he said it didn't matter.

 

Can you see why I'm so f***ed up?

[kyle1234]

I don't want to fight for him if there is nothing to be fought for. It will only push him away further. But I don't want to give up, or I could lose him for good.

 

He never said NEVER again. He just said he can't expect me to wait, because he doesn't know how he'll feel in a week, or a month etc, but did say he didn't think he'd change his mind.

 

He rang me today, asking to meet and I said I'd ring back to arrange.

I rang back and he said it didn't matter.

 

Can you see why I'm so f***ed up?

 

 

how he will feel in a week or a month....seriously this guy seems sooo confused..he acts like its his right to have you in his life...it should be a blessing...not a obligation...and no i dont see...your not f**cked up

[nastyapple]

My head feels like it's going to fall off, I feel such a mess! I can't eat, I can't sleep and when I do, I dream about him, my heart skips a beat when my phone rings thinking it's him, I was sick on Monday morning I was so worked up... I feel f***ed up!

 

I am so confused as to what he feels and wants, I don't know what to do at all.

[kyle1234]

im sorry babe..but it sounds like this is turning into a compulsion...a ifatution(love compusion)

[nastyapple]

The first guy I was with, I thought I was in love with, but looking back, I was just infatuated.

 

This time I am definately in love. I would do anything with him. I have done everything I can possibly think of throughout the relationship to show how strongly I care.

 

I am truely heartbroken.

[kyle1234]

if he cant see your genuine heart he aint worth your time...heres a bunny smile you are still young.. this isnt go to screw you over for life..hell thake another bunny :bunny::bunny: do aas the bunny does and live life to the fullest!

[nastyapple]

Haha, thank you kyle1234, that cheered me up a little.

yay, bunnies.

[kyle1234]

:bunny:no problem..glad the bunnys helped...how are you feeling today?

[nastyapple]

 

I'm really confused today, I've made another post about it actually. He's been contacting me a lot, and I don't know what to make of it.

 

I think the post is called something like mixed messages, is he interested? if you want to follow it up!

 

I hope you're okay.

[kyle1234]

im doing ok...and i will try to find it...why is he contacting you more?

[nastyapple]

It's all explained in the thread (the thread is under second chances). He's rang me a few times and text me, just to see how I am apparently...