chslt77 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I know there are plenty of these but I want to get my story out there and get some advice for it. So here it goes. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and a half. About two weeks ago I went and did some snooping on facebook, not sure what I was thinking. While on there I saw a conversation she had with another guy she met at her job. It sounded innocent but some of the things said bothered me. She told him she likes long walks around campus at night... Anyways, i confronted her about it. She assured me that nothing was going. but i couldnt believe her. so that went on for a few days and i asked if she had spoken to him again she said yes. so i blew up blew everything out of proportion. well, she asked what i wanted and i said i wasnt sure but she kept on asking and i told her i dont think i can do this i want to break up. that was last week. that next morning i called her and said i was sorry that i was not thinking clearly and just blinded by my own anger and stupidity. but she said she couldnt do it, i basically begged cried a little bit and just came accross as weak. all she was saying was she wanted space to figure it out. not a day went by that i didnt think about her. i wrote letters and emails telling her i was sorry and telling her all the things i would do to fix this and us. i told her i trusted her and if i could just get the chance to show her she would see. but nothing. she doesnt respond to anything, she doesnt answer my calls or texts. i guess that she really has had enough and moved on but it hurts like hell. i left her alone for 3 days, i didnt say anything to her and let her think about it. then i texted her asking how her 4th was and that i miss her. still no response. im beginning to think that this guy she was talking to is a little more than a friend now. ive heard and read that things are serious. cuddling and she said she wanted to jump his bones.. it hurts to know that someone you still care so much for can just replace you without missing a beat. i dont know what to do, im trying to act like im ok and let it be known im fine but i cant pretend anymore. if this new thing doesnt work out with this guy would i look like a fool to take her back if she came back? she is the girl i always thought about marrying and having a serious life with. but it just seems like the space she wanted was just an easy way out for her. she is tricking herself into thinking shes ok and that this new relationship is better. what can i do to show her its a mistake? also its her birthday tomw i got her a card and a little present. i want to call and see if i can give it to her in person but i know she wont answer and itll make this whole thing worse. i know this story is all over the place but its hard to explain everything going on without making it confusing. any help or suggestions would be great.
dxb Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Mate, you dumped her. You had a reason, maybe a good one. Maybe not. but the irony is that you were so worried about her cheating that you've driven her into the arms of the person you're worried she was cheating with. She's not yours anymore. You need to let go. If you try to tell her that this new relationship is a 'mistake', you'll just end up looking like a spoiled child who wants his toy back now he can't have it. I've been there and done that. She's on the rebound. It'll probably fizzle out. But you can't back together because you don't have the trust to keep her and if you did get back together, you'll bring this whole sorry chapter back up again and you'll be right back where you started. Block her and delete her off your Facebook friends list. Delete her contact numbers and email addresses. Delete, bin or at least hide the photos. Take some space and time for yourself - and then look for someone new.
bookit Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Give her some time, dont contact her in anyway, both of ye need space to think about this properly. At the moment you are basically showing her that you are needy and insecure, that you have to have her in your life in order to survive, this is in no way attractive and will only repell her. I wouldnt delete her of your FB, msn etc.. it looks petty and childish to be honest, you can block her facebook updates without her even knowing so that would be a far better option. I guarantee you that after a few weeks of no contact from you that she will contact you, this space of time should give you an idea if you really want her back or if the breakup was for the best, afterall you cannot have a relationship if there is no trust.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Dude you LEFT her... Sometimes there aint no coming back from that. no matter how hard you try or do. You should have thought about that and everything before you left. I'm sorry that's just the way it is. If she has someone else in her life now, leave it alone and move on, why do you want to go back to someone you left of your own free will. I mean now you are her ex boyfriend. Let her heal without your interference. Maybe this new guy will do right by her. Why the hell did you leave in the first place?
Author chslt77 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Why the hell did you leave in the first place? i left because at the time i felt like i wouldnt be able to move past it. but the more i thought about it i realized it was nothing.. it was a stupid mistake, i was just being stubborn. i guess i never thought she would actually follow through with it like this. im an idiot i know..
SweetyBear Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I am also my own victim of making a hasty breakup decision and then not being able to take it back. It sucks, but I am trying to take responsibility for my actions. It's been three months and lots of broken dates on his part for getting together to work it out. Every time we have talked on the phone, he says he wants to discuss it and try again, we make plans to do so and then those plans fall through every time. I don't know if it may have been better to just do what everybody's saying on your thread and chalk it up to a bad mistake, learn from it and move on. I can tell you that if she doesn't want to work it out, nothing you say or do will make her come back to you or even talk to you. I'm three months in and haven't given up, which also means I haven't moved on and I don't feel any better about this situation than I did in the beginning.
Author chslt77 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 thats what i am afraid is going to happen. i dont want to sit around and wait or feel like i messed up so bad that i wont be able to move on. we made plans to meet for coffee on her birthday so i could give her the card and a small present. think ill just try to keep the conversation light as if we were friends. itll be hard to hold my emotions and thoughts back but i think itll work out in the long run. im slowly starting to accept what has happened and the mistake ive made. all i can do is move on and hope i get a second chance. ill be sure to not mess things up that time though. i wish you the best of luck. maybe if you were to go to him to talk things over the plans wouldnt fall through. have you tried that?
SweetyBear Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I've definitely thought of the whole just showing up thing, but I don't feel that's right to do. He's legitimately a very busy person and I could make some grand gesture like that and have it not work out and then I'd just be even more crushed. I guess I have to accept that if he won't even make the effort to follow through on our plans, he's probably just not really open to a reconciliation no matter what he says with his words. It's tough and I'm not doing well at all with it. I hope things go well for you when you meet up with your ex and give her the card and present. Seriously. Something's got to work out sometime for somebody, doesn't it?
Author chslt77 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I've definitely thought of the whole just showing up thing, but I don't feel that's right to do. He's legitimately a very busy person and I could make some grand gesture like that and have it not work out and then I'd just be even more crushed. I guess I have to accept that if he won't even make the effort to follow through on our plans, he's probably just not really open to a reconciliation no matter what he says with his words. It's tough and I'm not doing well at all with it. I hope things go well for you when you meet up with your ex and give her the card and present. Seriously. Something's got to work out sometime for somebody, doesn't it? haha yes it does. trying not to think its me because that will do nothing. the break up just happened between us so i figure id give it a few weeks of talking and trying to reconcile things between us. if it goes nowhere then ill just cut my losses and move on. i know she'll be back some day, but when that day comes ill already have moved on past her. it always seems to work out that way. as for you, if you truly care enough about him and you think you can work it out try it. whats the worst that could happen? he wouldnt be there or wouldnt want to talk about it right? at least you know that you did all you could. but they just werent willing to make an effort to work things out. find out when he is not busy call him and put him on the spot.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I'm embarrassed to say this but in my past there were times when I wanted to break up and provoked the split. I think this is what your gf has done to you. She met this new guy and he excites her and she was glad (even prodded you) that you broke up. Please stop begging and contacting her because as a woman myself, nothing is more unattractive than a man begging and crying after you when you don't want him anymore. If she does come back to you and you still love her - yes give her a second chance. I don't think you will ever really feel secure with this girl though.
Olylama Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Please stop begging and contacting her because as a woman myself, nothing is more unattractive than a man begging and crying after you when you don't want him anymore. I agree with this person. this is also what i am trying to do - Dude get it together she chose someone else. Crawling back to her like you did increased her disrespect for you. Pick yourself up and move on that will be the most attractive thing you could do for yourself. she will respect you for this. If she does come crawling back shag her like the cheating B***h she is. she will love the passion you are showing her, it will be great sex but hey it's not going to ever be the same. It's Broken now. Do good things for yourself you are wounded, treat your scars they will scab over and you will be better for it next time round. good luck. look forward to reading how your meet goes.
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I think your gf wanted this split and was just too chicken to initiate it head on. I think she had eyes for this other dude long before you saw her facebook posts. It's pretty textbook reverse guilt. She wants out, she creates an ambiguous event to inspire a fight. She claims you are the crazy one for thinking what you think.... You break up with her...She justifies not going back to you because you were wrong for confronting her in the first place. So now... You feel guilty, and she feels justified to carry on with this other guy. She manipulated you, and she orchestrated this situation, don't kid youself.
Author chslt77 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I think your gf wanted this split and was just too chicken to initiate it head on. I think she had eyes for this other dude long before you saw her facebook posts. It's pretty textbook reverse guilt. She wants out, she creates an ambiguous event to inspire a fight. She claims you are the crazy one for thinking what you think.... You break up with her...She justifies not going back to you because you were wrong for confronting her in the first place. So now... You feel guilty, and she feels justified to carry on with this other guy. She manipulated you, and she orchestrated this situation, don't kid youself. yeah looking at it now thats what it seems like happened. sucks for it to have been like that because had i known that at the time, definitly wouldnt have given in to her petty games. but knowing this just helps me move on quicker. it wasnt working for her then maybe it will later maybe it wont but i am most definitly not going to sit around and wait for her to come to her senses. i think your post was definitly the most truthful and might have helped the most. all i can do now is act like the bigger person and that it is no longer affecting me. looking back from when i posted this thread to this point now i have changed a lot and its weird. this thing helpped so much. and to all you guys who posted thank you a bunch, even though ive never met you guys i wish i could. ill post again tomorrow letting anyone who is interested how the coffee meeting went. JUST NEED TO STAY STRONG!!!
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I think your best course of action is to pretend you are indifferent to her. I think you have to reconcile with the fact that it's not your fault. You were justified in doing what you did- breaking it off. Good luck with your meeting tomorrow hun, cheers and hugs, D
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Wait, wait, wait, she was emotionally getting involved with someone else??? Then you did the RIGHT things by ending the relationship. I thought you left because you know you wanted your "freedom" lol. Wow she wanted someone else? What are you gonna do, how can you get back, maybe , just maybe being apart from each other was the best thing that happened to you! Realize this is she could honestly jeopardize your relationship then she didn't care about it at all.
NopeNah Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Like many others have said...Looks to me like she got caught! Then flipped the script on you by having you dump her. Be glad she's gone, cancel your meetup and return the gift.
Author chslt77 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 so for all of you who care to know how it went and how i am feeling right now please, continue to read. surprisingly i feel awesome right now. we met today for coffee, and just talked. not about us or getting back together or how were feeling. all we talked about was our 4th of july weekend, how her family is doing, what shes got planned in the following months. just small chat. i made it a point to not say anything serious or complicated and did a great job of not looking like i was at all in any pain. a couple of times i could tell my face was reflecting my emotions, i let her pick up on it and quickly changed my mood. if it makes any sense... also, for her gifts, again very simple. a card that said nothing but enjoy your birthday. and in it i wrote happy birthday, i hope you have a great day with your friends and doing whatever it is you want to. she really liked the card and actually paid attention to the detail of its design on the front which was made of felt which i didnt notice. i got her a reed diffuser which at the time i didnt remember but a while ago she bought one, and it didnt have any reeds in it.. she mentioned that and i was excited that i picked a good present without even knowning it, made it seem like i put a lot of thought into it. also i got her coconut smelling shampoo and conditioner.. now this had a reason to it. for spring break she came to my house in florida and that is the shampoo i had there and she was using it. when we came back to school i bought it and she also used it when she would shower here. also, my favorite smell happens to be coconuts and she knows this, but the funny thing is she dosent enjoy the smell that much. anyways my plan was for her to remember me everytime she used it and bring up past memories, better memories. and holy crap! it worked. today she texted me after i made it a point to not text her after we met. she said my hair smells delicious thank you again for my gifts. i simply said "i thought that you would like it and im glad to here you used it. your hair seemed to smell a bit... off today when i saw you" just trying to pick on her a little to make her smile, i used to do it while we dated, nothing mean or too bad but just little remarks that made her laugh. anyways after that little convo this afternoon i said nothing to her. now, another thing about our trip. a news team came up to ask and asked her if she could answer some questions about a certain governor in our state. she was a little hesitent and trying to get out of it but then i came in. i said will it be on the news today? they said yes. i asked can you guys put a little banner at the bottom that says happy birthday ____!!! they laughed and told her happy birthday. i looked at her and she smiled.. i knew it was a good move on my part.. now, one more thing. it took me a while to realize this and actually put it together but, when we were talking she told me how last thursday she went shagging (the south carolina state dance) and had a good time. while we were dating she asked me several times if id take her but like a fool never did because well, im not very good at cutting up a rug. but, she said shes going this thursday again and that me and a few of my friends should go sometime (not specifically saying when). at the time i brushed it off and didnt think much of it. now i kind of see it as an informal invitation to possibly go. she may have been a little nervous or scared to ask me, at least thats what im thinking. so i asked my friends they agreed to go and so thats the plan. im going to text her thursday and just say "i was thinking about going shagging today, if you guys decide to go maybe ill see you there?" very informal in no way saying im going will you go with me or prying to see if she is going. just simple. but im still a little unsure if i should ask her. would it be better to just show up hoping shes there? because that could look a little crazy on my part. but then again saying something may scare her away from going, bit of a dilemma. sorry one more thing. this is what my wholeeeee plan was with going shagging on thursday. i know shes not going with me and there will be other guys in her group and there. and i will see her dancing with other people.. but im not going to let it bother me and if it does, not to show it. show her im fine with it and i do trust her. see what im getting at? ill ask her to dance with me, maybe a few times. but ill also dance with other girls and have a good time. make sure she knows im having fun and not bothered by the fact that she is dancing with other people. because, the real reason we broke up was because of mt\e trust issues. all this, just one step forward to proving to her that im going to be different. that i can trust her, and that although not wanting to, im giving her the space she wants. i feel absolutely incredible right now because i have a plan. i just hope it doesnt get squashed like a bug. but if it does ill get over it go to a strict NC policy and in a couple of weeks she if she wants to meet for lunch or another coffee break. sorry for the length and it you happened to make it through any ideas or opinions would be awesome. anything critical keep it light try not to crush my hopes too bad. thanks everyone.
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