asuman Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I've been doing pretty well with my situation and making steady progress, I feel. (Recap: we dated for 2.5 months; she was open about dating other people; I still foolishly fell for her; she broke it off and I discovered she now has a regular boyfriend). I was sad about what happened, and I let it all soak in. I took the high road and sent her a peacemaking email, and she wrote back a flattering response (she was probably just elated that I relieved her of any guilt). I didn't reply back to that email, and that's the only communication I've had with her. That was 1-2 weeks ago. The last day or two I've been internally debating whether I have the right to be pissed off at her, as I process all this and forget about her. She didn't lie to me per se. Quite the contrary, after the 3rd date she sent me an email telling me, "I hope this isn't premature or presumptuous, but I wanted to be sure that you knew that I typically don't date just one person at a time at first." (This was stuck in the middle of a chatty friendly email btw. It weirded me out.) I ultimately thought nothing of this because it had only been our 3rd date, so I replied (in a nice way of course): Well duh, we haven't talked about being exclusive so what's the big deal? So, she'd disclosed this early on. But our dates, in the meantime, were progressing. There was no sex involved, but we started having some pretty nice intimate, romantic physical moments together. She stayed at my place until 4 in the morning one night, with some making out and just talking through the whole evening. I felt like things were going really well. It is true in hindsight that as soon as the dates ended, she was not very communicative with me, which gave me a strange feeling and left me confused. Yet she would go out of her way to go out with me the instant I'd ask her out (one time, for example, I asked her out and she said she had plans with a friend, but she'd just tell the friend to see her the following day so she could go out with me). Not once did she say she couldn't go out with me; and she was free every single time I suggested a night out. It was right in the middle of this, after the 7th date, that I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. I got a very weird vibe from one of her responses to my email or text one day, some time after that date, and within a week or so she called me to say we would not be going long-term but that we should still "hang out". (I declined the offer, as awesome as her table scraps sounded.) I then found out that she was dating 2 of us at the same time. Guess who came in second? Part of me feels now like she told me the truth so I can't be mad. Yet I also feel like she shouldn't have let things get as far as they did with me if there was something genuine going on with the other guy. She shouldn't have made out with me, or held hands with me, or even gone out with me after the 3rd or 4th date when all that stuff really began to happen. I can't decide if my anger is justified or not. Even if it is not, I will say that I'm angry at her choice. I do accept that she chose him and not me, and I will move on from that decision. But wtf? I'm better looking, smarter and more interesting than that tool. What the hell is wrong with her? I'm mad.
adamt Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Even if it is not, I will say that I'm angry at her choice. I do accept that she chose him and not me, and I will move on from that decision. But wtf? I'm better looking, smarter and more interesting than that tool. What the hell is wrong with her? I'm mad. Its easier said than done(i'm doing the same) but pointless torturing yourself over unanswered questions. Ive got loads I could ask the ex but just have to accept they will remain unanswered and eventually lose the energy to want them answered. I have been analysing all the things that may or may not made the difference but i have to realise that it wil not bring her back. and if she wanted to be with me she would have wanted to work any issues out.
Ronni_W Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 (I declined the offer, as awesome as her table scraps sounded.) A, we could debate all day whether you have "the right" to feel angry, whether it's "appropriate", justified, whatever. Won't really matter what we conclude because, at the end of the day, you're still just feeling pissed (whatever the actual degree of pissed-ness might be.) Why not just use the feeling to complete the next step of grieving/healing? I'd suggest that probably is what this feeling is about, anyway -- you're ready to take that next step towards something 'bigger and better'. Get it out of your system however feels best: Bash a pillow with a baseball bat, scream at the top of your lungs, go and have the most furious gym workout of your life. Or. Write a poem, paint a picture, bake a cake. After one or more of that, cry and cry. Embrace the anger, control the anger, work the anger -- use it to help you feel, ultimately, better
Author asuman Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 A, we could debate all day whether you have "the right" to feel angry, whether it's "appropriate", justified, whatever. Won't really matter what we conclude because, at the end of the day, you're still just feeling pissed (whatever the actual degree of pissed-ness might be.) Why not just use the feeling to complete the next step of grieving/healing? I'd suggest that probably is what this feeling is about, anyway -- you're ready to take that next step towards something 'bigger and better'. Get it out of your system however feels best: Bash a pillow with a baseball bat, scream at the top of your lungs, go and have the most furious gym workout of your life. Or. Write a poem, paint a picture, bake a cake. After one or more of that, cry and cry. Embrace the anger, control the anger, work the anger -- use it to help you feel, ultimately, better Good advice Ronni. Except I won't try and bake a cake because that would just make me even angrier, and possibly send anyone who ate it to the hospital.
Author asuman Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Paintball helps. That did it for me. Shooting people. I like it.
Exit Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Asuman I honestly think you are at the point of needing to let go. You post around the forums that you're starting to accept what happened, saying you didn't feel so terrible knowing that she was dating 2 people and simply had to choose one or the other, yet you're still waking up angry. You can type all you want that you're better than this guy she chose, but obviously it's been a blow to you ego. She gave you signs all along that should have warned you to protect your heart instead of falling head first for her, she told you in an email that she doesn't date just one person at a time. I would have left her right then and there. Only 2 months together and 7 dates? I don't think you should be so attached to somebody that quickly. What the heck was so fantastic about her? I feel like you should practice letting go of this one, because if 2 months tears you up like this, I'd hate to see you have to deal with a major loss of 5 or 10 years. If you truly believe she made the wrong choice -- great. Then move on. But maybe part of what's keeping you angry is a bruised ego. Obviously she found something more interesting in the other guy. It doesn't mean he was "better", it just means she saw something in him that was more appealing to her personally. A different girl presented with the same 2 guys might have made a different choice. This girl is draining your life force from you after only 7 dates. You should be right back out there on the dating scene. Instead of being angry and bitter, be grateful that after only 7 dates, she became distant, and you were able to figure out what was going on. She could have dragged you along for much longer. She could have dated both of you for months and months and then decided who to leave behind. Be glad you didn't waste more time on her.
Lyssa Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Exit, I understand what you're saying and I also understand what Asuman is going through. I feel the same way as you do that he should really let go esp since he has written all over board (as you put it) that he is finally accepting it.. now I am not speaking for him but for some people, breaking up with a partner is like losing someone to death - you go through stages of grieving. I've gone through both - an ex broke up with me that left me brokenheart. Then almost 2 years ago I lost my dear mother and I went through the 5 stages of grief (this one I actually went into depression). My ex came to the funeral and then we talked... I realised that when he broke up with me - I went through those 5 stages too. So perhaps, that is what Asuman is going through. What you, me or Asuman went through - they are not the same things. It may be similar but we deal with it differently. So let Asuman vent, be angry etc... I'm sure given more time, he'll be completely over her.
Author asuman Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Exit, I understand what you're saying and I also understand what Asuman is going through. I feel the same way as you do that he should really let go esp since he has written all over board (as you put it) that he is finally accepting it.. now I am not speaking for him but for some people, breaking up with a partner is like losing someone to death - you go through stages of grieving. I've gone through both - an ex broke up with me that left me brokenheart. Then almost 2 years ago I lost my dear mother and I went through the 5 stages of grief (this one I actually went into depression). My ex came to the funeral and then we talked... I realised that when he broke up with me - I went through those 5 stages too. So perhaps, that is what Asuman is going through. What you, me or Asuman went through - they are not the same things. It may be similar but we deal with it differently. So let Asuman vent, be angry etc... I'm sure given more time, he'll be completely over her. I think Exit misunderstood the point of my post. It was meant to be a vent, nothing more, nothing less. It's actually been six days since I found out about the boyfriend so I think it's pretty normal for me to be pissed at this particular moment. Is this in part about my ego? YES. I've never denied that. What kind of a psychological freak would I be if I felt nothing in reaction to this situation? Thank God I do! I don't need the lecture on how I would deal with a long-term relationship breakup. If you (Exit) have in fact followed my posts you would know I've had 4 serious ones in the past. I don't think my reaction to basically falling for a chick (not falling in love, but falling nonetheless) and then having the rug pulled out is excessive. I'm just pissed this morning and want to rant about it to people who will listen and understand. Two days ago I was not pissed. Today I am. Ups and downs are normal. I would know because I've been there. And nor have I ever said that I'm over it. I just said I'm making good progress, which I feel I am. Grr.
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I've appreciated your responses to my posts so I though would chime in. It's hard for us to know what triggers these type of reactions. Sometimes it is a short relationship or sometimes it longer. The fact is you have some feelings of anger - and they are real. You are allowed to post on here are you see fit. There is a chance this particular situation has triggered something bigger than this girl and that's what is going on. Perhaps? Whatever the case, i support your right to post here and think Exit was a bit harsh though I do understand his side. Sometimes we don't know why the mind works the way it does.
Author asuman Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I've appreciated your responses to my posts so I though would chime in. It's hard for us to know what triggers these type of reactions. Sometimes it is a short relationship or sometimes it longer. The fact is you have some feelings of anger - and they are real. You are allowed to post on here are you see fit. There is a chance this particular situation has triggered something bigger than this girl and that's what is going on. Perhaps? Whatever the case, i support your right to post here and think Exit was a bit harsh though I do understand his side. Sometimes we don't know why the mind works the way it does. Thanks for your response. I don't think anything bigger than this girl is going on. I really think my original post reads worse or more serious than my mind is actually working. I promise everyone I'm not walking around all day with a scowl on my face, my fists clenched, and steam coming out of my ears. I've been on a date or two since the last time I saw this girl and they were fine. I simply woke up this morning, and as the crush that I had on this girlie wears off a wave of irritation crept up inside me and needed to be let out over the fact that I got so excited about her and then *bang*... brick wall to the head, and goodbye. I'm a picky guy when it comes to dating, and I don't get interested in long-term relationships very easily. This girl, I became interested in very quickly compared to other situations for a number of reasons, but I seriously misread her in all my excitement about her. I just let my guard down because I didn't anticipate this turn of events occurring. I thought she was into me, so I just let things flow naturally. Usually when I've gone out with someone more than 4-5 times, it turns into a relationship. Well not just usually. Until this time, always. So, live and learn and on to the next one. I can assure that I will go through more ups and downs in the coming days or possibly weeks. I am definitely feeling better with each passing day though, as I gradually poop her image out of my brain.
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