My daughter doesn't get a long with my boyfriend...

[rm68]

I am divorced and I have sole custody of my 3 year old daughter. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I briefly dated a few guys before I met my boyfriend and he's the only one I've introduced my daughter to. So far he's been very accepting of her and he often suggests that we do activities that can include her. She used to get along with him quite well up until recently...

 

Lately my daughter seems to act up when my boyfriend is around. She started throwing tantrums often and has been very disobedient. My mother and grandmother watch her while I am at work and they spoil her immensely, so naturally she's more difficult when she is with me and my boyfriend since we are much more strict with her, but recently it seems much worse. Sometimes it seems like she is being defiant and sassy specifically towards him, almost like there's some sort of rivalry between them.

 

Is this a typical phase that kids go through? Has anyone else experienced something similar to my situation? Does anyone have any suggestions on dealing with this, or any advice on being a single mom and being in a relationship at the same time?

 

Parenting feels so new to me, I still have so much to learn about kids and I am clueless to this. My boyfriend has no kids of his own and has never had a girlfriend with a kid, so it's new to him too. I appreciate any advice anyone has for me, thanks in advance!

[TaraMaiden]

Children are born with no spatial awareness as such, and between the ages of 2 and three-and-a-half become consciously aware that they and their primary carer (that would be you) are actually two separate entities.

This sets off all manner of alarm bells and thy play up to keep you within earshot, and in line.

This is not a cognitive decision on their part.

It's just the way it happens.

One:

find her carers who won't spoil her.

This is quite important, because she has to learn that she can't always have her own way. As things stand, it's setting her up for a tumble when she goes to playgroup/school. Shee will have to learn that she's just one of many, and that won't go down well....

 

Two:

If the above is not possible, have a serious and firm talk with your mother/grandmother and explain that the huge difference in your treatment of her is causing problems.

 

 

Three: Agree with your BF on disciplinary procedures, that you will both stick to, and stick to equally.

No smacking, should be the first thing, because teaching through pain and resentment isn't constructive.

 

Don't use her bedroom as a place of punishment, or she will associate it as a place that's not always nice to be in. A bedroom should be her comfort zone and refuge, not somewhere she's put as a means of teaching her right from wrong....

Explain to her, gently, but in ways she understands that whatever she is doing is unacceptable, and that if she does it again, she goes in the naughty corner (or something). [Do you have a playpen in a safe area which she can't get out of? That might be ok..... providing she will be out of harm's way and she can't hurt herself].

Carry out your promise, but don't be overly restrictive, or cruel.

Leave her for 5 minutes, then go in and ask if she is going to be a good girl....

tell her if she is naughty again, then you will put her back.

let her know the consequences of her actions, and follow through.

 

However, when she's good - and whatever she's doing that is good - praise her and tell her what a good girl she is, and how happy you are when she's being so good.

You can never overdo this bit.

Even if she's being a good girl sitting on your lap, tell her you love it when she's so good like this...isn't it a nice cuddle...? What a good girl she is!

 

This should come from both of you.

Your BF should certainly take every opportunity to look like the good guy in her eyes.....

It wouldn't for him hurt to buy her the odd occasional little gift, like a bubble blower, or a pack of balloons, and for him to play with her with them....

 

Go with this.

But do get your mum/grandma to be less inclined to spoil her.

That's a tricky one, I know - but essential, IMHO....

Good luck!!

[missdependant]

I don't know that the issue is that she doesn't like your boyfriend. I think the issue is that there are 4 people telling her what's right and wrong who may not all be on the same page.

 

Everyone needs to be on the same level with discipline, care and positive reinforcement. Your mother, your grandmother, you AND your boyfriend. I know that grandparents are prone to spoiling grand kids, but there should be a limit and they should stay consistent with you. If they cannot do this, I would recommend finding different sitters, or you are going to have handfuls of other problems to deal with. Your daughter sounds like she needs to be taught that she isn't the center of the universe. I recommend teaching her that ASAP, otherwise you are going to have a very self-absorbed, confused, bratty kid.

 

How close is she with your boyfriend? Do they spend a lot of time alone together?

[Touche]

A good little spanking when she's being disrespectful will go a long way towards fixing this problem.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry, Touche, but I disagree.

This will not, at this or any stage, have any possible beneficial effect.

Striking another person, no matter who they are, or how old, is never justified in order to put a point across.

 

This is not a comment aimed at you, but I fail personally to see the difference between striking a child (who cannot defend themselves, and is far less powerful or strong than an adult) and striking an adult - who can hit back - or could charge 'you' with assault....

 

The reason we strike children is because something they do offends us, and we become angry, and want to communicate that in a physical way.

The reason we strike other adults is because something they do offends us, and we become angry, and want to communicate that in a physical way.

 

Why do we think that it's perfectly ok to hit children, but it's not ok to hit adults?

Why should one be viewed as discipline, but the other as assault?

 

Because of the resentful, jealous nature of the child's behaviour pattern, smacking will only alienate her further, and could exacerbate the issue.

[sally4sara]

When I became a parent, I wanted to never resort to physical punishments because I wanted to be the end of a multi generational cycle of abuse.

What I discovered is that sometimes "physical" punishment can be benefitial as long as is is not fueled by anger and impatience.

It is also about knowing your child. I found that around the age of the OP's child (2-4) children can get themselves worn out while simultaniously being worked up and upset over something. Once they are in that state, a loud noise or an open hand on the diapered behind can effectively get their attention without causing any real pain. It was like watching a silent movie.

POP! on the diaper, like a three finger cheer clap, so much less force behind it than the sound would lead you to believe. My son instantly stopped the pointless wail (for a reason he no longer even remembered) and his eyes got very wide! It had never dawned on him that people other than himself could be loud or have an effect on him.

Children at that age sometimes find themselves unable to calm themselves down. It is distressing to them. Even if you cave on whatever caused the tantrum, they don't remember what they wanted and cannot stop their emotional outpour.

The age that this was appropriate for my son might be different for other children. He has never been physically disaplined past the age of four and never with anger. The result for me was a well behaved kid and many years now of other parents asking me how I got so lucky.

[Touche]

I knew you'd pipe in, Tara. It's ok. I don't agree with you. This child will remain spoiled and entitled if this isn't taken care of. Time-outs don't really work.

 

I'm sorry but I don't want to debate the merits of spanking. I get where you stand on it. Many don't agree. The OP can decide what works for her and her child.

 

Also, OP maybe you can tell her that if she behaves with your b/f you will reward her with one on one time. Perhaps she needs more alone time with you?

 

Edited to add, EXCELLENT post Sarah. Totally agree.

[Eve]

Although I am with Touche and Sally on the spanking issue I do have a specific thought on this matter. I was wondering if what you term as the Grandparents 'spoiling' the child could also be being translated within how much time the child is given to complete tasks with you? For example, Grandma might take longer to say help the little one put on her shoes, whereas you may expect this to be done without the cuteness. Hence, the child could be trying to get you to do things like Grandma and is simply frustrated. To me, this could be a sign to consider how much time you are spending on the small things. Those moments mean everything to children and it may be wise to slow down just a little and take time with any explanations, especially if the child is displaying any ambivalence.

 

Instances utilised as such feed right in to a childs level of emotional intelligence and will in the long run counter manipulative behaviours.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[missdependant]

I'm with Sally and Touche on the spanking. Don't beat the child, of course.. in fact, you don't even need to hurt the kid. Just a little startle to teach them that there is consequence to misbehavior is enough. There are plenty of people in the world who turned out fine who were slapped on the hand for stealing or spanked on the butt for throwing a temper tantrum.

[TaraMaiden]

First of all, I thank - and commend - the level of politeness and civility.

I have been called a few choice names in my time, for these opinions, so I am grateful for the courteous way in which people have responded.

 

I would note, however, that nobody has addressed my question as to how anybody could possibly differentiate between the violence against a child, and the violence against an adult.

 

Violence can never be enacted without anger or impatience.

You cannot hit someone and at the same time embrace a feeling of either compassion OR indifference.

All or any act of physical aggression is born from losing it.....

It is indeed, a loss of self-control.

But smacking a diaper is infinitely preferable to a smack on skin.

As you rightly surmise, Sally, it was probably the noise and the shock of the impact, rather than the sensation of the blow itself, that caused your son to stop short.

You were right to do that.

It's the flat open palm against the child's body I cannot stomach.

 

I risk taking the thread off topic, so if anyone would care to discuss this amicably in PMs I'd be happy to do that....

[Touche]

First of all, I thank - and commend - the level of politeness and civility.

I have been called a few choice names in my time, for these opinions, so I am grateful for the courteous way in which people have responded.

 

I would note, however, that nobody has addressed my question as to how anybody could possibly differentiate between the violence against a child, and the violence against an adult.

 

Please. You're too smart for this, Tara. The answer is obvious.

 

Violence can never be enacted without anger or impatience.

You cannot hit someone and at the same time embrace a feeling of either compassion OR indifference.

All or any act of physical aggression is born from losing it.....

It is indeed, a loss of self-control.

But smacking a diaper is infinitely preferable to a smack on skin.

As you rightly surmise, Sally, it was probably the noise and the shock of the impact, rather than the sensation of the blow itself, that caused your son to stop short.

You were right to do that.

It's the flat open palm against the child's body I cannot stomach.

 

I risk taking the thread off topic, so if anyone would care to discuss this amicably in PMs I'd be happy to do that....

 

It's not violence. We've already debated this so now this is in danger of going off-topic. I'd start your own thread. Personally, I have no desire to discuss this in a PM. It's boring already. You either get it or you don't. (General "you.")

[TaraMaiden]

I am a fairy.

 

my name, is Nuff....

 

fairy nuff!

[whichwayisup]

Parenting feels so new to me, I still have so much to learn about kids and I am clueless to this

 

Then do something about it. Go get help, take parenting classes! Put your daughter FIRST and stop pushing your boyfriend in her face. This guy has barely any experience in relationships to begin with, let alone be around a child..

 

Be a mom, spend time with your child and bond with her, not your boyfriend so much.

[rm68]

Thanks for all the input everyone. TaraMaiden, I found your suggestions especially helpful and will keep them in mind.

 

I did want to find another option for the child care instead of my mom and grandmother taking care of her but i wasnt able to find something that wouldn't be a strain financially. I have tried at times to talk with them about my concerns. My mom is more understanding about how I feel and doesn't spoil her as much as my grandmother, although I still catch her letting my daughter have too much junk food and candy. My grandmother simply will not listen and doesn't care. She loves my daughter, but I don't know if she understands the harm that its causing. My grandmother has openly, almost boastfully said that she lets her do whatever she wants. Thinking about it now, maybe I should have taken on the financial strain instead of letting this continue, seeing what a negative impact it will have on my daughter's behavior and health. My daughter will start attending preschool this fall which will be good and bad... good because she will not spend so much time with the grandparents, but bad because I am expecting her to give the teachers a bad time since she will no longer get to have it her way.

 

To answer your question Missdependant, my daughter and my boyfriend don't spend time alone, it is always the three of us. I'd say on average its about once a week that the three of us spent time together. We do things like go to the pool, beach, park, zoo, or spend time at either my place or his and have lunch/dinner, watch dvds. I thought that they were getting pretty close at a point. When he isn't around she would talk about him at times throughout the day, and say that she wants to go and see him. She still says those things now but recently (in the past month) when he is around she'll be more difficult than usual.

 

Eve, thanks for your insight. I do need to slow things down and spend more time on the small things. I'm glad you brought that to mind.

[Eve]

Thanks for all the input everyone. TaraMaiden, I found your suggestions especially helpful and will keep them in mind.

 

I did want to find another option for the child care instead of my mom and grandmother taking care of her but i wasnt able to find something that wouldn't be a strain financially. I have tried at times to talk with them about my concerns. My mom is more understanding about how I feel and doesn't spoil her as much as my grandmother, although I still catch her letting my daughter have too much junk food and candy. My grandmother simply will not listen and doesn't care. She loves my daughter, but I don't know if she understands the harm that its causing. My grandmother has openly, almost boastfully said that she lets her do whatever she wants. Thinking about it now, maybe I should have taken on the financial strain instead of letting this continue, seeing what a negative impact it will have on my daughter's behavior and health. My daughter will start attending preschool this fall which will be good and bad... good because she will not spend so much time with the grandparents, but bad because I am expecting her to give the teachers a bad time since she will no longer get to have it her way.

 

To answer your question Missdependant, my daughter and my boyfriend don't spend time alone, it is always the three of us. I'd say on average its about once a week that the three of us spent time together. We do things like go to the pool, beach, park, zoo, or spend time at either my place or his and have lunch/dinner, watch dvds. I thought that they were getting pretty close at a point. When he isn't around she would talk about him at times throughout the day, and say that she wants to go and see him. She still says those things now but recently (in the past month) when he is around she'll be more difficult than usual.

 

Eve, thanks for your insight. I do need to slow things down and spend more time on the small things. I'm glad you brought that to mind.

 

It does seem that there are some boundary issues but still it is impossible to control everything and everyone that your baby comes into contact with. I know that I am going to spoil my Grandchildren! My children already know this too and they are not even ready to have children! I cant wait! What concerns me the most within your situation is the level of inconsideration shown towards you by the family members. Its like you are still a child to them. It is not good for your baby to witness such things.

 

In my personal opinion structured daycare is by far the best environment for a little one. Children need routines SO much but I do understand the cost implications... I remember those days well! But I too would not be happy with the amount of junk that the little one is being given and the whole, letting her 'do what she wants' to me translates as being lazy and slotting the child into their routine. So no, I would be very anxious about leaving the child with the family members you have described. BUT let us stand back for a moment and consider the benefits of their care. Although they have been far too lax they do love your child. Lets not forget that. You love your child and your boyfriend seems to have a fondness for her too. I would say that although you are the dominant person all the other voices experienced by your girl are important too. Its a double edged sword really - we have no choice but to raise our children in mixed environments and sterile environments can harm a child. What matters is that you encourage the little one to always follow your lead. Try specific behaviours when the little one is playing up, for example, rolling your eyes in an exaggerated form and saying, 'here we go again', (with a soft voice) touch her little nose and say, 'yes, mommy is talking now cupcake, this is busy time'. I hope you get the general flow of what I am saying here. Just please, do not underestimate your role, even though the other adults have in some ways undermined it because of whatever their issues are.

 

What matters is how your little one responds to your voice and your actions and how she is internalising these events. Kids are very smart and adapt quickly. If you are strong, she will be strong. If you are inconsistent, she will be inconsistent. Maybe you could start getting ready for preschool by say paying for structured childcare for one or two days now? Ease her into the coming changes. Dont use this experience as a base to explain all her behaviours. Let her actions be fluid because to her they are.

 

Overall I would say that our role as parents really is about helping our children to begin, sustain and finish a plan of action within different settings. Grandmas is just one setting. How you react in those settings with your daughter could be pivitol. Once again, try specific actions such as your hands on your hips and saying, 'that Grandma and her sweets, the dentist is not going to be happy with Grandmas teeth!' The little one will then know that even Grandma has someone watching over her! People are people and often we cant change them but noone can take away your dignity and self direction, noone, unless you give it to them or consistently give in to them.

 

Just dont give in to them.

 

The little one will absorb the experience in time within other experiences and be fine as long as you do not divide her behaviours into some form of competition with Grandma. BTW, once you sort this out, something else will take its place! That is the nature of parenting but try and just be yourself around the little one and put her little quirks and behaviours as the priority and not any desire to stop her from behaving in ways you dont like. Kids understand this better.

 

Take care and all the best,

Eve xx

 

Whatever you do have fun because the stage where your baby is at passes quickly and really is very beautiful in content. I love 3 year olds! With their little cute voices and spark of mischief in their eyes.. and their little shoes.

[RA1]

I advise not to follow the advice to smack. It may seem to work at the age of 3 but it won't when she is a bit older, so if you smack you are only putting off the day when you have to find a better solution.

 

Your daughter may never accept your boyfriend or maybe not until she is a young adult. Children often feel a possessiveness for their mother. She may be thinking "mum and I were so happy when it was just the two of us and now there is this other person who is getting in the way and stopping me having mum all to myself".