Shes cheated on me, we've broken up but the sex continues

[Olylama]

Now lets see, I appreciate any advice.

 

My story in a nut shell - 2 months out of a 7 year relationship. One child 3yrs old. I originally found out a year ago she cheated on me. I could see it in her eyes when i picked her up from the airport. But wasn't confirmed until i hacked her email and found some mail in her deleated folder which she didn't empty. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me about her trip to Melbourne but she said no nothing, she lied black and blue to my face untill i eventually said hey I know what you did. she lied to me even then. I couldn't believe she could lie so easily looking me in the eyes. I lost trust for her at that point and i backdated all the times i should have been suspicious for about 2 years in situations i blindly didn't think anything of. I practicly walked in on her and our best friend on the couch but i was so trusting i didn't think anything of it. Well i moved out got a flat close by as i couldn't bare to be far from my son. 6 weeks of being single and she was coming over and shagging my brains out really amazing sex, they say break up sex is great and it was. Well i eventually got back with her forgave her for doing what i guess she had to do.

 

Her reasoning - she is a lot younger than me shes 27 I'm 40 she hasn't had her crazy youth years yet.

 

A year latter we are getting on well all happy families. She is the door girl for a local nightclub her job keeps her out till 3am on the weekends. She started to come home at 7:30 sometimes 9am saying she went to a party afterwards. Thats cool with me for a few weekends but then my stupid man brain klicked. Oh thats right my trust was broken a year ago maybe i should be suspicious.

 

I got sneaky. I purchased a spy program online and logged her keystrokes on our home computer. I just wanted to know the truth no matter what it was. I found out she was a player in town the queen of flirting. She had 5 or 6 guys actively trying to pull her they were gorgeous young boys. Sunrise walks on the beach holding hands cuddling under a blanket kissing her neck. I got all the details from e mails to her girlfriends. This was all kind of innocent as she actually didn't put out for any of them she just adored all the attention she was getting. No matter i felt cheated on as she was putting herself out there on a platter for all to admire with no respect for me her faithful loving husband at home looking after our child. I kept reading all here messages live chats etc. for a few weeks. Sometimes i would ask a question i new the answer too to see her lie to me. which she did with ease. Enough was enough when i read she actually slept with one of the guys who was the most persistent. I confronted her on this one she said "No i didnt sleep with anyone last night i swear" this is where i gave up my secret about how i new she did, i told her his full name and that i knew. The look on her face.

 

Is this too long are you still reading?

 

She flipped out got very angry, vicious even. She now knew i knew everything she must have felt a little bit guilty you would think but no.

 

I moved out of our house she kept everything we had accumulated over the 7 years. I dont really care.

 

The hate she had for me has disappeared now but i still have some anger towards her. She has sex with me occasionally well 16 times last month it is great. I do still have feelings for her and want our family to be together again but she is still putting it out there with the parties and boys.

 

I need to let go of her and get my life together shes dragging me along at her convenience. I know some of you will say i have to stop shagging her but i will find this hard to do as it is really hot sex and she is a hottie.

 

Any tips for Mojo restart?

 

Regards to you.

[Athena]

I need to let go of her and get my life together shes dragging me along at her convenience. I know some of you will say i have to stop shagging her but i will find this hard to do as it is really hot sex and she is a hottie.

 

Looks like you are treating her no different than the younger sex boys she has on the side!

 

So -- what'll you be? Husband or sex-toy?

Give her an ultimatum, if you still want her that is, and makes sure she makes drastic changes.

 

I personally do not buy the 'she missed out on her wild youth days' b.s.... and you know it.

What do YOU want?

[Olylama]

What do YOU want?

 

Hmm, good question Athena. I guess i want what i cant have - A loving relationship with Respect and Trust. Without that there is no use.

 

I guess i am after someone who will tell me to get a grip and don't sleep with her.

 

I just don't want to have to start again.

[Athena]

Hmm, good question Athena. I guess i want what i cant have - A loving relationship with Respect and Trust.

Yup, you sure CAN have that! Just not with her. Cuz she is a woman who cannot form an attachment and give you commitment. You are asking her to be something that she is not.

 

I guess i am after someone who will tell me to get a grip and don't sleep with her.

Looks like you are a normal, healthy person who CAN form emotional attachments then... okay, here goes ... Olylama, STOP IT! Don't sleep with her anymore. She is driving you crazy. You are remembering only the good parts of her. She is no good for you. She will damage your healthiness ... keep away from her, okay?!

 

I just don't want to have to start again.

 

Are you kidding me?:)Starting a New Relationship with Someone is wonderful! Remember all those crazy falling-in-love feelings?!

[Athena]

I am passing the Stop It Therapy on to you (from Owl): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE

[Olylama]

Ok so i need to "stop it"

And yes i can see that the thrill of finding a new partner will be exciting but what is it that keeps me clinging onto her. Our Baby maybe? it makes it a little more complicated.

Hey Thanks Athena.

[Olylama]

This is my first thread thing. I've found it really great so far in the few replies i have had from Athena. From what I've read on other threads this is such a good way of supporting our fellow humans along on their journey. I feel a little bit better. I look forward to giving my comments/advise to others.

[Athena]

Ok so i need to "stop it"

And yes i can see that the thrill of finding a new partner will be exciting but what is it that keeps me clinging onto her. Our Baby maybe? it makes it a little more complicated.

Hey Thanks Athena.

 

Oly, check out the "Infidelity" board, and the OW/OM (other woman, other man) boards too, because they deal with a lot of cheating there. I find it very helpful to read.

 

Anyway, my H (husband) cheated several times. Here's what I think -- it's a severe character flaw, a selfishness, and a lack of healthy personal boundaries that allows a spouse to cheat.

You know that it is Nothing YOU did... it's what your W had within her. And she is not going to change -- unless, and this is unlikely -- she realizes what she's done and WANTS to change....

 

I think in answer to your question of 'what keeps me clinging to her' -- several things like, love, habit, hope, future, past history, honor, title of marriage, addiction, pride... all these things can be keeping you to her. However, the main one is you have suffered Betrayal of Trust by your loved one. In a way, you have been Broken. You will never be quite the same again... that scar on your heart will always be there, even if the broken heart mends itself perfectly well and functions again...

 

Go check out the infidelity boards and also post something there. I am sure you will get more answers as people get back on their computers on Monday!

 

Keep yourself strong for your son's sake. Your wife is not worth it. But you are.

[door-mat]

Hey a difficult situation to be in!!! but be careful as you are still sleepin with her you may make yourself seem unavailble to others. Do you want to start again? because whilst you are sleeping with her that may never happen!!

[jessicasilver]

if you really want to move on and stop having feelings for her you need to stop it! it will ruin any chances with other girls in the future if it continues! however if you really want her back then continue as you r

[Olylama]

Hey a difficult situation to be in!!! but be careful as you are still sleepin with her you may make yourself seem unavailble to others. Do you want to start again? because whilst you are sleeping with her that may never happen!!

 

Your Right. I have been going out a bit with my single mates and putting it out there that i am single. But my hearts not really into it. I live in a small town very beautiful with a bizarre population oddity of having more women then men and the women who are here are very beautiful. I know sounds wonderful hey (For a Hetro Man) but I guess i am a romantic at heart and very loyal. I'm still loyal to her even when shes at parties dancing with guys letting them touch her bum.

 

Yes as long as i keep having sex with her i will not be open to meeting the person who might love me.

[Olylama]

if you really want to move on and stop having feelings for her you need to stop it! it will ruin any chances with other girls in the future if it continues! however if you really want her back then continue as you r

 

Do i really want her back? That is the question hey? If i do want her back i probably could do it i know what i have to do. Just No Contact for a while let her think i'm over her and she will be begging for me to move back in and continue. But i know this will be temporary.

 

Do people like her really change their ways? Are 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances worth a try or a waste of everyones time?

[dxb]

Here's what I'd say when it comes to dealing with a cheater.

 

Say someone cheats on you. That's a dealbreaker. That's an ultimate sign that the relationship isn't as important to that person.

 

And then say you take that person back.

 

What sort of signal does that give to the cheater? They have done something that completely undermines the concept of a relationship and puts you through immense pain, and they don't have any consequences!

 

I'm not saying that cheaters will always cheat again. But I am saying that if you take one back, you effectively say to them that you don't mind if they do it again. Which means they are much more likely to.

 

She's getting loads of sex and to put it bluntly, you're getting the sloppy seconds. Don't you deserve better than that? Don't you deserve a sexual relationship with someone who respects you?

 

At the very least, if she's sleeping with other guys, you're throwing yourself wide open to the chance of catching something.

 

If you have a kid together then you need to work on some way of having a platonic relationship, for the kid's sake. But there certainly shouldn't be any other form of relationship between the two of you for any other reason.

 

You need to let go though. She obviously doesn't respect you, and no offence but I can see why - you don't respect yourself. If you're still loyal to her when she's letting other guys touch her up at parties (or worse), she's going to see you as a doormat, a lay that's around when she can't find another one.

[Olylama]

At the very least, if she's sleeping with other guys, you're throwing yourself wide open to the chance of catching something.

 

The thing is I know shes not sleeping around from my sneaky keystroke logging. She has some confidence issues with her body that stops her from getting down and dirty with them. She is a very pretty 27 year old she knows shes hot.

She has a few stretch marks from our son which she is very conscious of.

This time round I think she's only slept with one guy out of the 6 guys she is entertaining with her receptiveness.

 

Its like she addicted to the attention it overrides everything.

[mark982]

you say "she only slept with one guy outta 6,this time around" like it's a honorable thing. i'd really stop sleeping w/ her,before she gives you something that you can't cure.

[wontgohomewou]

I'm only 20 and I wouldn't deal with **** like this. She is your WIFE for christsake and you're basically letting her go out and have fun with guys. You really need to set an ultimatum with her. I know that a child will complicate things and you probably want what is best for your child, and that is VERY noble of you, but sooner or later you are going to realize that you're making a huge mistake forgiving her all the time. Do you have any self-respect? Seriously, what in the world is wrong with you? She cheated on you multiple times and acts like she's still single, why in the hell are you going to keep forgiving her? If I were you, I would tell her 'Honey, this is your last chance. I am tired of getting hurt by you and you are a bad example for our son. If I catch you cheating, going to after parties, kissing any guys, I swear to our son's life that I will divorce you and take everything we have'. Something like this will scare the eff out of her and you will look like a man who isn't going to be disrespected. She may be hot and she may give great sex, but are you really going to demean yourself just for little things like that? You also really need to stop having sex with her. That's how she wins your 'love and approval' back, you give in every single time. You say your town has beautiful woman, if things don't work out with your wife then go out with your friends and meet another gorgeous gal, someone that is at least loyal.

[Olylama]

I'm only 20 and I wouldn't deal with **** like this. She is your WIFE for christsake and you're basically letting her go out and have fun with guys.

 

Thanks for reading my story and your comment mate you seem wise for only 20.

[megluvstahoe]

OMG.......

~ I'm going through something very close to this as well (Except no kids- I'm so Sorry!)

~ I will try not to make it as long as yours though (lol)!

~ This is my very first thread/ blog thing too, but I wasn't sure where else to turn! My friends and family are tired of me talking about this.

The 411 (info)~ Me and my so called boyfriend are in limbo right now. He's 39 about to be 40 & I'm 25! Yeah kinda crazy, but he doesn't look his age at all.

~ I found out through out our 3 1/2 years together he's cheated on me with 4 other women **THAT I KNOW OF** Each time he’s never comes clean about them- I always have to find out. The last one I know of- was 2 weeks ago< she called me saying “He Loves me and she wants him to hate her so she can get away from him?!"> I guess they were together for almost a year!! Ya, I was totally angry~ How could he do this again! I Give this man what ever he wants <Sex all the time, Money, Time, Etc.> (Not a very good thing, because it’s not a challenge for him then). He’s very Jealous & always says I must be cheating!

**In Fact his excuse for cheating (every time)~ I thought you were F***ing around on me!

~ Just like someone said on this thread (He had no punishment for his actions~ What the Heck did I expect~ I just showed him he’s able to walk all over me and I’ll take it!)

~ But he's my little dilemma ~ He's so Hot and our Sex- totally off the chain (Yes I was with him this weekend~ Like a dumb Ass!

~ I totally Love him and it's so hard to stay away and I REALLY Believe he’s in love with me (the trust is totally gone)~!

~ I am just looking for a little honesty & respect her~ Is that too much to ask?

~ I feel kind of stupid writing this, because I already know what my answer is.

~ I honestly feel like were totally addicted to each other~!

And if one of my girlfriends came up to me with this so called Problem~ I would tell her he's freaking CRAZY & Stay away from him!

P.S. He even put a tattoo of my name on his chest over his Heart!

Sorry everyone I am totally hurt & I hope I’m making some sense.

[girl68]

Going back to the begginning: this is what happens when older men date young chicks. 13 year age gap??? Dude, she was only 20 and you were 33! Aiiiiya... that should have set you off right there.

[Athena]

Do i really want her back? That is the question hey? If i do want her back i probably could do it i know what i have to do. Just No Contact for a while let her think i'm over her and she will be begging for me to move back in and continue. But i know this will be temporary.

 

Do people like her really change their ways? Are 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances worth a try or a waste of everyones time?

 

To Megluv -- when you start your own thread you have to hit "New Thread", when you post on somebody else's thread you won't get any answers to your question. Try again.

 

To Oly -- You ask whether people like her really change their ways? Why Should they???

They feel ok with lying to your face, they get the admiration they desire, and then the Consequences are almost minimal -- they truly believe you 'will come around' each time... so why would they cut out what they like -- messing around with others, if nothing terrible happens to them as a result?

 

Even if she had to LOSE you because of her cheating, that wouldn't be enough to stop her... people like this, with a severe character flaw, put themselves and their selfish needs first, above anyone else's. She's not considering your pain, she's not considering that your son will have a broken home if she continues... she simply doesn't consider anyone else's reality but her own.

And -- what she does is a calculated risk -- in other words, she is quite prepared to LOSE you... as long as she gets to do what she needs (it's like getting a drug she needs, this Admiration). Check out the psychological terms Narcissist, Narcissism, and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because she might be this, and understanding the diagnosis will help you understand what she does and that there is no cure. You simply have to walk away because if you stick around, there is only more of the same.

 

My H was married before he and I met. He was married for 6 and a half years to someone his own age. He had about 5 affairs in that time, then he felt guilty or something and decided to come clean with her, admitted all his affairs and suggested they try harder in their marriage. She promptly divorced him, and remarried within 6 weeks (turned out she had also been cheating on him at the end of their marriage, but he didn't find this out for sure for several years, although of course it's kinda obvious, right? Who gets married right after a divorce UNLESS they knew each other before...).

 

My H 'lost' his family --> W and daughter thru that divorce. He was devastated. Remorseful. He cried about how HE had come forward and admitted his cheating ways to his wife, only to be 'punished'. He said he'd learned why he should never cheat in a relationship... then we started dating and got married. I fully believed and trusted that he had 'learned his lesson'.... WRONG!

After two years he messed around with a neighbor while I was away visiting family with our son. I didn't find out about that until he cheated again years later with a woman from his work -- took her away for a weekend to a top hotel where he and I had gone to celebrate our then- recent wedding anniversary!

 

So I forgave him when he was caught out, and esp. since he cried and showed remorse. I had no idea that he continued to cheat and have three more long affairs, consecutively, which I found out about a few years later.... long story short, I didn't divorce him, instead I almost fell apart emotionally, fell into a depression, and tried to look at myself, wondering why I 'wasn't enough for him'? (he says I was, but I was sure I wasn't, since he was cheating on me).

 

Again and again he has cheated... culminating in the most recent uncovered affair of his this past March... that adds up to 8 affairs in our 23 years of marriage! Ugh! You ask if 'people change'? Nope... not even when my H lost his first wife and child thru infidelity, not even in our own marriage... the SOB continues to selfishly prey on available, unwitting OW (other women), who then get dumped as soon as he's had enough of them, by telling them 'Well, you know I am married....' -- a built-in excuse... and he just took it for granted that I would always be around for him, because he does not want to lose me at all, but now that it looks like he has lost me, he is devastated, and yet STILL I highly doubt he will ever curb his cheating... so... do they change? Umm, I guess they become more skilled at lying and running around on you, thinking they are way too clever to be caught yet again... I guess they believe that the 'rules' are for OTHER (dumb, or less special) people -- but they are 'entitled' to whomever, and whatever they like.

 

Why on earth would you give her 'one more chance'??? You are only going to have your heart broken. It's not about your son -- you can still be in his life as much (or as little) as you want... it's about TRUSTING your wife -- and you don't trust her, because she is untrustworthy... why would you lie to yourself and say, 'Maybe she can change'? Don't be blind... she is not showing any signs of true regret, remorse, nor is she breaking her back to quit her ways... it's just YOU that is showing wishful thinking.

 

You gotta do what's healthy for you. Not be her prop-up pseudo H. Drop her and pay her NO attention (that's how to hurt her back, since she feels she only has self-worth when Others pay her lots of attention).

 

One day her 'beauty' and figure will not be as desirable... and she will be left with nothing... no good character, no good self-esteem, no honour, no great Track Record, and no man, esp. not a decent man, will want her around for more than a one night stand. Why would you devote the rest of your life to a POS like her?

[Olylama]

Thanks Athena your a legend.

 

Me Ex has found out i am consulting this forum for advice.

 

Should i let her read all the amazing things people have said to me?

She will probably post something, in fact i know she will.

Do you all want to hear her side?

 

Hmm what to do she is REALLY wanting to read your comments.

[wontgohomewou]

Thanks Athena your a legend.

 

Me Ex has found out i am consulting this forum for advice.

 

Should i let her read all the amazing things people have said to me?

She will probably post something, in fact i know she will.

Do you all want to hear her side?

 

Hmm what to do she is REALLY wanting to read your comments.

 

Hahaha I don't care what she has to say. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on your husband. But it will be entertaining!

[Athena]

Thanks Athena your a legend.

 

Me Ex has found out i am consulting this forum for advice.

 

Should i let her read all the amazing things people have said to me?

She will probably post something, in fact i know she will.

Do you all want to hear her side?

 

Hmm what to do she is REALLY wanting to read your comments.

 

Hi Oly, well, I see you have put up a photo -- quite a handsome man you are, so your W better watch out!

 

It's up to you to let her read your posts... I mean, she might try and make us understand why on earth she is cheating on you?! Just wondering if she would post here on Breaking up, or on the Infidelity boards? She'd be reamed there...

[Olylama]

No I don't think i will let her view this forum i want some things kept to my self. This is my therapy not hers. This has given me the energy and the will to realize i deserve more. What she is and was doing is wrong. I may send her a few cut comments to her via e mail which may help her in the future.

 

I think she thinks she can have me back at any time she wants. She can have her cake and eat it be single for a while have as much fun as she likes while i babysit our son. I love having my son more than anything but i cant help resenting that she uses that time to her self to get dressed up and puts it out there for the guys stays out till lunch time sleeps all day then does it all over again.

 

I am through with her. BUT what will i do when she comes over my place at 3 in the morning looking completely hot and extreamly horney? How can a scorpion guy like me with a strong sex drive stop myself from taking her. That will be my true test.

 

Who am i kidding i will of course let her in and we will go at it like monkeys. The trick is i need to stop loving her and hoping that everything that has happened in the past will be erased from my mind somehow.

 

It's not going to go away is it?

[Athena]

I may send her a few cut comments to her via e mail which may help her in the future.

Don't do this. If she does a search on the Internet with the few cut comments you send her via email, then LoveShack will come up! Try it yourself, you'll see... this is a Public Forum...

 

I am through with her. BUT what will i do when she comes over my place at 3 in the morning looking completely hot and extreamly horney? How can a scorpion guy like me with a strong sex drive stop myself from taking her. That will be my true test.

There's nothing wrong with having sex with her. But, it seems like you will be intimately bound/connected to her if you continue to have sex... so... perhaps you should try to cut that out soon. Besides, if you want to stop thinking and obsessing about her, you might want to go No Contact as much as possible, apart from communication about your son... maybe try the 'minimum' contact -- that is texting to communicate about your son. Look after yourself.

 

It's not going to go away is it?

"It" being what? The natural desire you have for your ex, whom you still love? Sure, that will go away with time, but NOT if you continue to feed that drive for her.. you have to cut her out in time, if you wish to forget her. Otherwise you will be just a sucker she gets to choose when she wants to bang you, and your needs will be ignored if they don't match hers... she's all about herself.